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Monday, June 21, 2010

LOCAL NEWS

 MAN ATTEMPTS TO CLEAR SEARCH HISTORY,
DISCOVERS WIFE HAS BEEN WATCHING MORE PORN THAN HE HAS



44-year old Gene Miller of nearby Ellensville thought he had covered all his tracks.

“I’d either stay up late, under the pretense of having ‘extra paperwork,’ or get up real early, under the pretense of ‘getting up really early,’” Miller told us. “Once the wife and kids were asleep, it was what I like to call ‘Miller Time.’ I’d log onto the family computer, hit the main stops…you know, ‘redtube.com,’ or maybe ‘youporn.com,’ and just have at it. Take matters into my own hands, if you’ll pardon the phrase.”

For months this went on, with Gene naively believing he was pulling the wool over the eyes of his unsuspecting wife, Dolores, until the day when one of Gene’s co-workers suggested it would behoove him to clear his computer’s Internet search history. “I had mentioned to Stan at lunch one day that I had only recently discovered the wonder that is free, unlimited Internet porn. Stan made the recommendation that I clear my search history, so that the wife wouldn’t find out what I was up to.”

Gene was not the most computer savvy person in the world, and it took him awhile to carry out all of the steps his co-worker laid out for him. But when he found his computer’s search history, he made a shocking discovery.

“I recognized all the sites I had been hitting right away, but there were a lot of racy ones on there that didn’t ring a bell. Things like ‘herecomesthejudge.com’ and ‘fistingbythepool.com.’ At first I thought it had to have been a technical glitch, but then I noticed the log-on times for these sites were all between the hours of 10 am and 3pm Tuesday and Thursday...which is precisely when the twins are in Pre-K. It was then that I put two and two together.”

Dolores, for her part, was unapologetic.

‘I ain’t watching’em for the dialogue, I can tell you that,” she shouted over the din of the jukebox. “My motto is, ‘If you can’t get it at home, you can get it on video,’ and let me tell you, getting it on video has been a hell of a lot easier of late. Now get me another vodka and tonic, babe.” It was noted by this reporter that she was wearing a dress that had to have been at least two sizes too small…
 
DD (Vic Venom reporting)

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