The Daily Drivel

THE DAILY DRIVEL HAS MOVED TO www.thedailydrivelnews.com

2010-12-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

WE'VE UPGRADED TO http://www.thedailydrivelnews.com/ come on over.......

LOCAL DELIVERY MAN IS FORCED TO CHANGE BUSINESS NAME

2010-11-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

Memphis, TN- Fred Bickle feels like a modern day David who tried to fight back against Goliath. Unlike the Biblical David, this version didn't stand a chance in a fight with a Goliath represented by high priced lawyers.

Bickle started a local delivery company using the name Fred Ex, and the slogan, "The Whirl on Time" which is a not so subtle twist on Fedex's "The World on Time". It is unclear what exactly is meant by the term 'whirl on time', and Bickle gave a cryptic response:

"We all know that a whirl goes fast, don't we? Well, I'm doing that, and I'm also doing it on time. Plain and simple. I'm certainly not copying their lame slogan, I didn't even know they had a slogan," said Bickle.

It would appear that the global delivery company has a justified case of copyright infringement and a ruling by the Tennessee State Court recently confirmed as much, ordering Bickle to stop using the name and slogan immediately.

"Why would a billion dollar company give two hoots about a guy making local deliveries in the back of a beat up van? I shouldn't even be a blip on their radar," said Bickle.

The Fred Ex delivery business is just the latest failure in a long line of them for Bickle, which have included: Mr. Field's Cookies, Kentucky Fried Turkey and Motel 7.

"I'm not a man who gives up easily, I have this van that I plan to put to use. I'm thinking of painting it brown and calling it "DOWNS", which stands for Delivery of Whatever's Needed Service. I'd like to see them attempt to sue me over that one. I already have a catch phrase ready- What can Down do for you? Now, that, is original, if I do say so myself."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

2010-11-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Schmucks, Madoff here. First let me say, our cell block Halloween Party was a smashing success. I'd like to thank Darryl for his help with the decorations, Earl for his assistance with the food, and Garnett for his sewing skills with the costumes. I couldn't have done it without you fine gentlemen. Kudos to you all.

Also, I'd like to thank Corrections Officer Manell for judging our "Dancing Behind The Bars" contest, and to our winning couple, Lamar and Manfredo, congratulations gentlemen, your tango was perfect. For a few fleeting moments I felt like I was enjoying an evening in a club in Buenos Aires, instead of this flea bitten hell hole. Thanks to all who pitched in, which really added to the success of the whole event. Of course old Bernie did most of the work, which appears to be par for the course in here, but that's neither here nor there. Happy to do it.

Now, that I've said that, let's delve into some of the other not so nice business that must and will be addressed. Someone is stealing from me. Ironic as that statement sounds, it happens to be true. Some of you reading this are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your heads at Madoff complaining about being ripped off. Well, to you I say, go invest your money with Morgan Stanley, and then we'll talk about who is the bigger thief. Anyway, back to my particular plight. Besides my wife Ruth and a bowl of creamy rice pudding there are a scant few things left in my life that I really give a crap about. I had 3 things in here that kept me sane in a world of utter insanity in this vile cement jungle:

1) a tattered copy of the book "Goodnight Moon"
2) a slightly rusted metal slinky (my first toy)
3) a 1938 wheat penny (the year of my birth)

One by one, all 3 of these items have disappeared. This does not make Bernie very happy. None of these items are worth anything to the incarcerated animal that took them, but to me, they mean the world.
My bedtime ritual consists of: fending off potential sodomists with slick double talk, a little play with the slinky, a flip of the penny for good luck, and a reading of Goodnight Moon....

"Goodnight comb, Goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody and Goodnight mush."

Then off to sleep.This has been my nightly ritual for as far back as I can remember (minus the sodomy of course, although Ruth and I did experiment a little now and again, but that is neither here nor there). Don't judge me, you too, I'm sure, have some nightly ritual that you do to get to sleep. You know who you are, so you know where Bernie is coming from. Just because I've been imprisoned does not mean I have to change all my habits. Well, that is, until some sub-human decided to take what was mine.

I cannot sleep. Bernie cannot function without sleep. Some can, and I'm jealous of those that can, but I cannot. I am asking the confused person or persons who has stolen these items from me to please return them. No questions asked. There may be a financial reward if the offending party returns these treasures to me. Am I broke? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. The only way to find out is the safe return of these items.
Until then, Madoff will be pacing his cell, not sleeping.
Madoff out

The Freak and The Beard Help The Giants Win The World Series

2010-11-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

Arlington, TX- The Giants won the World Series in 1954 with the help of players like,'The Say Hey Kid', Hoot and Hoyt, Windy and Dusty. They dominated the Cleveland Indians in that World Series, sweeping them in 4 games. Most baseball analysts expected many more championships from that team, but it never happened. The Giants moved from the Pologrounds in New York to San Francisco in the year 1958, the colorful nicknames slowly disappeared or retired, and the World Series crown has eluded them ever since.

The Freak

Since their move in 1958, the Giants have played in 3 World Series, losing them all : 1962 to the Yankees, 1989 to the A's, 2002 to the Angels. While there have been numerous talented players on the Giants roster over the years, players like: Willie McCovey, Jack Clark, Will Clark and Barry Bonds, they could never seem to win the whole thing. Until now.

The Beard

"The 2010 Giants finally won the World Series, defeating the Rangers in 5 games, not because they had more talent, but because they had much better nicknames. Just like they did in 1954. They haven't had that in 55 years," said baseball announcer Joe Buck, "over the years they've had -Barry Bonds, Will Clark, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, great players with boring names. Now they have 'The Freak' [Tim Lincecum] and 'The Beard' [Brian Wilson]. As far as the Rangers, they didn't stand a chance with players named- Cliff Lee, Josh Hamilton and , yawn, Michael Young. They really need to add some punch to those names if they want to compete with these guys. "

Along with The Freak and The Beard, the Giants have a rookie catcher with a porn star's name- Buster Posey, a journeyman 1st baseman with a name that sounds like a spoiled little school girl- Aubrey Huff, and a 3rd baseman called- 'Kung Fu Panda' [Pablo Sandoval] who also goes by the nickname, 'The Round Mound of Pound'. The Giants are rich with colorful names, and most teams cannot compete with that.

"The names on this team sound like cartoon names from the 1970's. I can imagine a show on Saturday morning 1976, with names like these airing right after "Hong Kong Phooey" and "The Great Grape Ape". That's what makes this team so unstoppable," said announcer Tim McCarver, "The poor Rangers didn't stand a chance, it was almost unfair. I think if Kung Fu Panda hadn't been in a slump and had played the whole Series, the Rangers would have been swept."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

WHITE TEACHER ATTEMPTS TO USE RAP LYRICS TO TEACH STUDENTS

2010-10-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Lexington, Ky- Mr. Ernest Jurgens, an english teacher at Lafayette High School in Lexington, Kentucky, has a new topic this semester in his English Lit class. Mr.Jurgens, who tries to keep his finger on the pulse of pop culture in order to connect with his students, is attempting to teach and analyze rap lyrics with his students.

"I'm down, yo, with the lingo," mused Mr. Jurgens, in the extremely uncomfortable way a 48 yr old white man sounds when trying to act hip.

"I know what's cool, I was a teenager once too, you know," said Jurgens, "if I think outside the box, it will interest the kids, and BOOYAH, we've got some learnin' goin' on in this shizzle."

When asked what a shizzle was, Jurgens shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "it's all relative, nobody quite knows what most of these words mean, in this case I'm assuming shizzle to mean my classroom. You see, I'm speaking to them just like they speak to each other. I'm breaking ground here, be-yotch."

Jurgens first class of the day Monday morning was asked to analyze lyrics from the Eminem song, 'Love the way you lie', as read by the teacher in a cringe- inducing attempt to sound ghetto-

"I told you this was my fault, look me in the eyeball,
Next time I'm pissed I'll lay my fist at the dry wall,
Next time, there won't be no next time,
I apologize even though I know it's lies,
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back,
I know I'm a liar, If she ever tries to f#*%in' leave again,
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."

Jurgens, tucking his shirt back in his pants after getting all worked up, asked for volunteers to analyze "this modern day urban poem" as he called it.

The students, doing their best not to laugh, looked around at each other until one brave student raised his hand.

"I think, he has a really bad temper, and he, um, hits his girlfriend, and I guess lies about it," said the student.

"That's right Kyle, or better yet, fo shizzle my nizzle. He is angry with his girlfriend, or ho, and gets physical with her and, yes, then he lies. But to whom? Her? The authorities? Himself?" Maybe a little of all three, huh, Kyle," said Jurgens with a smug look on his face.

Jurgens next tackled the Jay-Z song, '99 Problems'-

"If your havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
(dramatic pause by Mr. Jurgens, as he put on a Yankees cap and turned it to the side)
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe

got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."

"Who is going to tell us, what some of the problems are facing this young man, or should I say, gangsta?" asked Jurgens.

A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "I think he grew up poor, and now he has money, so people want to shoot him or something."

"That's right, Brittany, very good. He's dealing with jealousy from other young men, who, perhaps are still living in poverty, or the 'hood'. He's also dealing with violence, racism, and negative stereotypes, but apparently he has no problems finding women, because the bitch ain't one. Anyone else have anything to add?"

The class was silent.

After the class was dimissed, Jurgens was aked why he chose to dissect rap songs for his English class.

"I'm trying to keep them interested, there's only so much Shakespeare and Dickens that a teen mind can tolerate, it's boring to them. Heck, it's boring to me as well, I've been teaching the same damn books for 25 years. I've always found music to be the common ground that bridges the generation gap, so I mix it in. This year it's rap, yo," said Jurgens attempting to pose with arms folded," wait until they see the song that I picked for the mid-term, 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-lot. That song is rich with subtle nuances and playful double entendres. Let's see what kind of essays the kids can come up with for that one. I can't wait, it'll be off the hook."

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

MUPPETS GET HORNY AFTER KATY PERRY'S APPEARANCE

2010-10-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

Sesame Street- Katy Perry's appearance did not air on Sesame Street, as producers deemed her attire inappropriate for the 'Sesame Street image'.

The singer's sexy outfit, while much more subdued than her usual attire, seems to have caused quite a reaction with several of the muppets.

Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, even Oscar the Grouch have all been acting erratically since the Katy Perry guest spot, especially around women.

"I can't even walk down the street without getting catcalls and comments from some of them lately. I expect that from Cookie, he's as horny as they come, but I'm shocked that Elmo is acting this way. I always thought he was gay," said Abby Cadabby.

Things came to a head yesterday, when Tyra Banks made a surprise visit to Sesame Street. The sight of the beautiful model and talk show host in skin tight jeans turned some of the muppets into uncontrollable libidinous creatures.

"Elmo suddenly has weird feeling in area below Elmo's stomach. Elmo first felt like this when singing with pretty Katy Perry. Elmo's fur is getting tight. Elmo must have you Tyra Banks," shrieked Elmo in his high pitched falsetto, as he pounced on Banks, kissing her ears and neck.

"Me make love to you woman! Me so horny! Ummm numm numm numm," joined in Cookie Monster, "you make me want to change my name to Nookie Monster."

"Bring her over here, I want to get her in the can," bellowed Oscar the Grouch.

Grover was removing his 'Super Grover' cape and helmet, and was about to join the furry orgy, when luckily, Bob McGrath, Luis, and several members of the crew were able to intervene before any damage was done.

"In over 40 years, I can assure you, I've never seen them act this way before," said a confused Bob McGrath, "we've had plenty of nice women of the program before, but none have aroused the muppets quite like this. I guess that Katy Perry appearance really stirred them up. Poor timing on Tyra's part, I guess we should have had Joan Rivers or Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan on, I doubt the muppets would have attacked either of them."

Order has been temporarily restored to the one time "safest street in America". Several of the muppets are undergoing counselling, and one muppet in particular, Cookie Monster, has been placed in a clinic for Sexual Addicts.
For now, the producers are sticking with guests who are less likely to evoke such strong reactions from the cast.
"Bob Costas, Ellen DeGeneres, Howie Mandel, these types of personalities. We'll play it safe, for now. I don't think booking Sofia Vergara from the show 'Modern Family' is such a good idea at this time," said a producer, "that woman might cause a relapse in some of them, especially Cookie."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

DISCARDED PLASTIC BAG STUCK IN TREE WAS IMPORTANT, ONCE

2010-10-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

New Paltz, NY- A white plastic bag stuck high on a tree limb tries to pass the time by thinking about memories from a not so distant past. A past when it was important and actually served a purpose.

"I came home with them [the Prescott family] from Mega mart, and I was a valuable member of their family for quite some time. I was the one that carried Cassie's art project to school, and Mrs. P told her, 'honey please bring home that bag'. And she did," said the bag.

"I was the holder of little Teddy's stained underwear when he had the accident at the park. Poor, embarrassed little Teddy, I saved the day," remembered the bag, as its voice was reduced to a saddened whisper.

The bag has been stuck in the tree for the last 2 weeks, and knows that the fall season brings much heavier winds.

"The winds are really starting to pick up. This is going to end in one of 2 ways," said the bag, "either a strong wind carries me right off this branch to freedom or, gulp, I get ripped apart and become several pieces of plastic blowing all around. Obviously I'm rooting against the latter."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

RANDY QUAID AND WIFE ARRESTED AS SQUATTERS

2010-10-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

Montecito, Ca- Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested this week as trespassers in a home that they no longer own. Allegedly, the Quaids caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Montecito, California home, breaking expensive mirrors and replacing them with pictures of themselves. According to court documents, the Quaids sold their former home to a movie studio exec named Bruce Berman, back in 1991.
Why, almost 20 years later, the Quaids suddenly believe this home to be magically back in their ownership is anyone's guess.
It does, however, follow a bizarre pattern the couple has undertaken in the past decade or so:

2000- Randy Quaid stormed behind the counter of a local pizzeria in Santa Barbara demanding free spaghetti and meatballs, claiming that he sold the owner of the restaurant ten dozen tomatoes grown on his property that he was never compensated for.
"This goddamn sketty sauce was made with my goddamn pa-matoes, and me and the missus are sure as hell gonna have some!" screamed Quaid to a basically empty restaurant, "my goddamn pa-matoes. Did you hear me? If you stiff a Quaid you'd better expect to pay the piper."
The owner of the restaurant, Luigi Pantangelo, tried to placate the outraged Quaid by giving him a free pot of spaghetti and meatballs to make him go away.
"I dunno who a this nutjob is, and I a don't care. I want him outta my pizzeria. Bad for business to have a nutjob like a this screaming. I buy a my tomatoes from a da same company I buy all a my produce. Why I'm gonna buy a tomatoes from some nutjob? From a his backyard? Getta the hell outta my store."

2003- While shopping in Beverly Hills, the Quaids came across a miniature collie tied to a parking meter outside of a clothing store. Evi Quaid untied the leash and the couple walked with the dog while they continued their window shopping. The frantic owner came out of the store and chased the Quaids down the street. The dog's owner, Roz Silverstein, confronted the Quaids and demanded her dog back.
Randy Quaid told Silverstein to "get bent" and refused to return the animal.
"Where I come from, whatever you put at the curb is considered unwanted by the person that put it there. If we put an old chair at the curb, have at it. If we put an unwanted rug at the curb, enjoy it. Do you see what I'm saying? Same theory applies here, as far as I'm concerned. You put a nice little poochie at the curb, someone's gonna take it. And guess what? We did. Evi wanted it, so, that as they say, is that," said Quaid to the crowd that had gathered around. Beverly Hills police arrived and immediately made the Quaids return the dog to Silverstein. A publicist for Quaid released a brief statement saying the incident was just a minor misunderstanding.

2005- Quaid accosts an 11 yr old boy riding a red Schwinn bicycle down Bear Valley Pkwy in Escondido, Ca. Quaid determines that this is the same bicycle that was stolen from him 40 years prior. The fact that Quaid grew up in Houston, Texas and this was Escondido, Ca, did not seem to faze the actor, nor did the fact that this was a new bike, obviously not 40 years old.
"You can try and change things, hell, you can replace every single part on the bike, which is obviously what they did, but I know what I know. I'd know that ol' Sting-Ray from a mile away, I loved that goddamn bike. You can't fool a Quaid. We're reunited and it feels so good."
The bike was, in fact, a Sting Ray, which had been discontinued for more than 30 years, and had just returned to the market in 2004. The style of the bike was totally updated from that of its predecessor, but Quaid was undeterred in his belief that this was his old bike. He pushed the young boy to the ground and hopped onto the 20" juvenile bike, whose frame immediately bent under the weight of the 260 lb Quaid.
"They ruined my old Sting-Ray! Ruined her! They changed everything! Why? Why? Why?" sobbed Quaid.
Quaid settled out of court on an undisclosed amount with the family of the young boy.

The list of incidents goes on and on, and are much too numerous to list here.

In a day and age when people such as Joaquin Phoenix are pretending to have lost their minds and are trying to dupe an unsuspecting audience, it is refreshing to see the antics of a celebrity who actually is crazy. There are no cameras following around Randy Quaid to document these acts of insanity, and for that we can only say, 'Thank You'. Keep making us smile big fella.

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

OHIO MAN LAMENTS LACK OF VOWELS

2010-09-19T05:46:00.000-07:00

Shaker Heights, OH- Zbygniew Khrystich, a machinist at nearby Smithson Industries, is a first generation American of Polish-Russian descent who has made his hard-working, immigrant parents proud. A respected union leader and local zoning board member, he and his wife, Elena, are also the proud parents of two teenage daughters, the eldest of which is beginning her sophomore year at Cleveland State this fall. The 52-year old (who could easily pass for a man ten years younger) enjoys a round of golf every Sunday after Mass, weather permitting, with the same three friends he’s known since high school, and their families often vacation together come wintertime. In many ways, he is the personification of the American dream…and yet, he is unhappy.

“For most of my life,” Khrystich explained,” I was plagued by the notion that something was missing from my life, and I’d never know true happiness until I found what it was.” It was only recently, after some sessions with a therapist, that Khrystich began to suspect that the source of his unhappiness: his own name.

“We have a large Italian community here,” he continued, “and when I’d see some of those names- Aiello, Napolitano, Esposito- I would feel a strange sense of unease, as though they were members of a fraternity that would never accept the likes of me.” But Khrystich credits Dr. Shlomo Mendelbaum, his psychologist, with helping him unlock the mystery. “Now I know that it is my deep-rooted envy of their melodious, vowel-enriched names that has made me unhappy all these years.”

“Ziggy, as I like to call him,” explains Dr. Mendelbaum, “has harbored such deep resentment all these years toward these people, despite their outward kindness and acceptance of him in the community as one of their own.” Even his wife, Elena, by all accounts a devoted wife and loving mother, has stirred his sense of unrest. “She has more vowels in her name than consonants,” Dr. Mendelbaum explained. “It’s almost unfair.”

Further complicating the matter is the fact that Khrystich’s parents, Thaddeusz and Ludzmilla, are alive and well and living nearby, and would be horrified if their beloved Zbygniew attempted to distance himself from his ancestry. “Every Christmas it’s the same- pierogies and borscht, pierogies and borscht,” Khrystich continued, becoming more animated. “Do you have any idea what that looks like when it’s all on the same plate? I’m tired of food that looks like something hacked up by a bulimic Cossack. Christ, I’d give my left nut for a lousy slice of turkey.”

But Dr. Helmut Dinckelacker, another local psychologist who once treated Khrystich, begs to differ. “I don’t think it is ze lack of vowels,” he explained in his heavily accented English, “so much as it is ze abundance of consonants zat is ze problem. I suggested to him zat perhaps he drop an ‘h’ or two from ze surname, or maybe even change ze ‘y’s’ to ‘i’s’, but he just called me an idiot and stormed out.” Dr. Dinckelacker then shook his head and sighed. “Without even paying ze bill, I might add.”

When asked for a reply to Dr. Dinckelacker’s comments, Dr. Mendelbaum was unimpressed. “Oh, please. That quack is clueless; his patients never stop calling me. In fact, I’m thinking of naming the 3,000 square foot extension I’m building on my house ‘The Dinckelacker Wing,’ with all the business I’ve gotten from him over the years.”

Khrystich, for his part, seems resigned to his fate. “Well, Dad just had a checkup, and his cholesterol’s lower than mine, so it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” he said with a sigh. “And both of Mom’s parents lived well into their nineties, so it looks like I’m stuck for now. But once they kick, you’ll be able to find me in the Yellow Pages under ‘Alopecia Areata.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

ACCORDING TO HER FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE- TAMMY COLLINS IS SO PSYCHED ABOUT CALLING IN SICK AND HITTING THE BEACH TODAY

2010-09-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

Tammy Collins updated her Facebook status to let everyone know her plans to call in sick to work and head to the beach.

Miss Collins's history of giving out too much information on her status updates have become legendary, and have usually resulted in some sort of backlash against her.

The following are samples of some of her posts over the past year:

Jan, 1 2010 (10:07 am)- Tammy Collins can't believe I had sex with the valet parker guy at last night's New Year's Party in the back of that crappy Subaru- Hope Dan doesn't find out. LOL

This post led to the subsequent divorce of Tammy Collins from Daniel Slater, who read her status 7 minutes after she posted it. It also contributed to the firing of Enrique Vega from his job at Villa Roma catering hall, and the lawsuit filed by the Hoffmans, owners of the Subaru.

Mar, 10 2010 (1:31 pm)- Tammy Collins hates her job as hostess at The Blue Water Bistro on West Elm Street. You wouldn't believe how filthy the kitchen is. YUK !!!! OMG-They reuse food there from people who didn't finish their meals. DISGUSTING!!!

Miss Collins was promptly fired 3 hours later when she arrived at the restaurant by the manager, who was alerted of the post by one of the waitresses. An inspector from the local Board of Health made a surprise visit 2 days later, and the restaurant was closed by the end of the week.

May, 22 2010 (4:16 pm)- Tammy Collins is having a horrible time at her neighbor Tanya Moseley's BBQ. Too many black people here. I feel like I'm in a Spike Lee movie, I think I'm the only whitey LOL. I can't wait to get the heck out of here.

Tanya Moseley received an alert on her Blackberry a few minutes later and immediately threw Miss Collins out of her backyard, and hasn't spoken to her since. Tanya Moseley had been used by Miss Collins as a reference for a job interview, and, well, you can imagine how that phone conversation went.

Jun 6, 2010 (9:34 am)- Tammy Collins is so looking forward to her 10 yr H.S. reunion tonight. I hope that Christina (the bitch) Morales and Julie (the ugly slut) Fitzpatrick aren't there. GOD I HATED THEM SOOOO MUCH !!!

Christina Morales Carpenter and Julie Fitzpatrick were, in fact, in attendance at the McKinley High School Ten Year Reunion at the Summit Hotel and Conference Center. The evening did not go as planned for Miss Collins whose car needed to be towed after it was "mysteriously" given 4 flat tires and a shattered rear window. Julie ("the ugly slut") Fitzpatrick did, however, seem to have a good time that evening, leaving the reunion with Tammy Collins's date, former valet parking attendant, Enrique Vega.

Aug 17, 2010 (8:11 pm)- Tammy Collins cannot believe her cousin Sara's children are such homely and spoiled brats. Just spent the day at their house. WOW these kids are rotten little bastards!!! NO MANNERS... NO PERSONALITY... I'm sorry to say but Sara and her husband Jack aren't much better- I guess you can't blame the kids with parents like that. JK- NOT..LOL

Sara's daughter Tess read the post a few days later. Tess had "friended" her aunt Tammy a few months ago and always checked the status of her favorite aunt. Tess is now in therapy two days a week. Tammy and Sara are no longer speaking.

As of the publishing of this story Tammy Collins was happily spending a lazy day at the beach. Undoubtedly at approximately 9:01 tomorrow morning she will be looking for new employment.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

NY JETS COME TO TERMS WITH DARRELLE REVIS

2010-09-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

Florham Park, NJ- Darrelle Revis has finally ended his months long holdout and accepted a 4 year contract from the NY Jets. The star cornerback and his agent had previously turned down several prior offers from the Jets, leading some to speculate that he would hold out and not play at all this season.

Although Revis was asking for over $16 million per year, he settled for $46 million over the 4 years, with $32 million of it guaranteed, which breaks down to....well....4 into 46, 11....and carry the...oh whatever, let's just say it's a lot more than you and I make and we'll call it a day.

In a Daily Drivel exclusive, we were able to get a copy of the demands made by Revis and his agent:

I, Darrelle Shavar Revis, do make the following requests from the New York Jets:

1. $16 million per year for a minimum of 4 years ( Half of which must be guaranteed).

2. The owner of the team, Mr. Robert Wood Johnson IV, must learn to say and spell my name, and stop referring to me as, "Darryl Rivers" and "Dontrelle Willis". It would be especially helpful when I try to cash paychecks.

3. Please have Rex Ryan wear clothes at ALL TIMES. If he needs to shower or take a soak in the hot tub, do it at home, or at least 1 hr AFTER all players, personnel, their families, and generally anyone with sight, has left the premises.

4. I need Joe Namath to stop "hawking" my ladies when I bring them around, which includes my mom, aunt and grandmother. This ain't the 1970's any more, the cat is creeping us all the hell out.

5. Please have fire marshall Bill or Ed, removed from his seat on the 50 yard line, and placed in one of the upper seats. He's way too annoying. Weird, I guess there's never any fires on Sundays?? We need to look into that.

6. Talk to Gov. Patterson about changing the name of Long Island to "Revis Island". If not, Long Island, then perhaps, Staten Island or at the very least- Randall's Island.

7. Find out once and for all if Joe Namath is wearing a wig. That is way too much hair for a man pushing 70 years old. And I really need him to stay away from my ladies. Did I mention that?

8. I like Mark Sanchez, but see if Peyton Manning is available. Come on Mr. Johnson, use some of that baby shampoo fortune your granddaddy left you and get us a proven winner.

Joe Namath pretending to listen to Rex Ryan,
while watching a young woman adjust her top.

(The rest of the demands are unprintable in a family publication.)

With the two sides finally coming together, the team can now concentrate on the upcoming season, instead of off field distractions. The season opens Monday night Sept 13th against the Baltimore Ravens, and Darrelle Revis and the Jets should be ready for the challenge.

When asked if Revis being on the field will change the game plan for the Ravens, Linebacker Ray Lewis had this to say:

"Helllll Nooooo. No excuses now when we whip their asses. They have all their players, good for them, they're gonna need them. Revis and Buttheads. I like that, it has a nice ring. Almost as nice as my Superbowl ring. Game on son."

The signing of Revis insures the Jets of having the premier cornerback in the league locked up for the next 4 years. Will he and the Jets live up to all the hype? Only time will tell. The first test is Monday night.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

DOG NEEDS THERAPY AFTER WATCHING OWNERS HAVE SEX

2010-08-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Mobile, AL- "Rufus" the pooch will not get out from under the Gobinski's bed. He is too upset. He has seen and heard too much.

In a bizarre case of extreme animal cruelty, Buddy and Dot Gobinski have been fornicating in front of their black labrador retreiver, Rufus.

Poor Rufus has witnessed this horrible display one time too many, and now the poor dog refuses to move from under the bed. He has been under there 4 days and counting.

"The traumatized dog has witnessed something that more than likely has scarred him for life. He may not ever be the same again," said animal psychiatrist Dr. Dan Fortuna," it may take months or even years of therapy to make this poor animal right."

The Gobinskis have been married 12 years and still have sex at least once a day, unlike most other married couples who have been married for that length of time. Their love making rituals often involve "role playing" and sometimes things get quite bizarre.

"Buddy and I are a couple of free spirits, we enjoy sex and like to play games to, you know, spice it up a little. We are not afraid to openly show our affection for one another. Rufus never minded before. He's 6 years old now, his puppy days are a distant memory. I'm surprised at his reaction to our love making, he's seen it all before," said Dot Gobinski.

The final straw for poor Rufus may have been the latest bit of role playing done by the Gobinskis. They played "the hungry baker and the glazed doughnut" and poor Rufus apparently had seen enough, and hid under the bed where he still remains.

"That poor animal. After what he's seen I'm surprised he didn't try to impale himself on a sharp implement and commit hari kari. More power to the Gobinskis for enjoying a healthy sexual relationship, but let's face it, Angelina and Brad they are not. We have our work cut out for us trying to get Rufus back to normal. The first step is getting him out from under that bed, he won't budge," said Dr. Fortuna.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

PATIENT HORRIFIED TO LEARN SURGEON IS SAME GUY WHO USED TO CHEAT OFF HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY CLASS

2010-08-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Portland, OR- Nathan Pitts had a terrible day. He woke up late for work, brushed with his son's toothbrush by mistake, sliced part of his ear lobe while shaving and bit into an apple that was rotten in the middle. All this before 8 am. Little did he know that this would be the best part of his day.

Nathan Pitts, while checking his Blackberry for messages between sales calls, crashed his Toyota Prius into a truck as he carelessly merged onto the expressway. The next thing he remembers is waking up on a gurney in the hospital, and looking into a vaguely familiar face.

"I wasn't sure what happened or where I was exactly. The man in the white doctor's coat standing over me looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. Until he spoke, and then memories from over 25 years ago came flooding back in," said Pitts, "it was the voice of the boy that used to ask me to drop my shoulder so he could copy my answers on the Biology tests in high school. I almost blacked out again when I found out that he was the surgeon who was about to operate on me."

Pitts's memory did not betray him. Dr. Terrence Ferguson was indeed the same boy who used to cheat off of him in high school, and whose nickname back then was "Roach Clip".

"I was distracted in high school, as most of us are. Girls, music, sports, and yes the occasional joint. That was high school. That's what you did. I took some time off after high school, traveled and sorted my life out. I eventually went to college and then went to the island of Grenada and got my medical degree at St. George's University School of Medicine. It's all legit. Don't worry," said Dr. Ferguson.

Pitts's accident left him with various injuries including: several cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen and a punctured lung, which required emergency surgery. Dr. Ferguson performed the surgery, and proclaimed the operation a success.

"Piece of cake. I could have done that one with one hand and my eyes closed, and as a matter of fact, I think I did. Late night of partying last night," Said the doctor as he winked at the recovering patient, "just kidding old pal. Now we're even Pittsy. I couldn't have gotten through that boring Biology class without your help."

Pitts is recovering nicely, but still has a nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong.

"They tell me to relax and say everything is fine, that I'll be as good as new very soon. How can I possibly relax? I was just operated on by "Roach Clip"! The guy was as dumb as a rock. He couldn't even dissect a damn frog, and this is the same guy that just had his smelly brown fingernails inside my body. Oh God, I swear to you he screwed this up somehow! He probably left a scalpel or some sponges or something inside of me. Or worse yet, he removed something that he wasn't supposed to. I need to increase my life insurance policy immediately."

DD ( Betty Diddit reporting)

POPCORN WITH "POP" KAHN

2010-08-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hello again my fellow movie lovers. This week we are going to move from the theaters to the living room. The release of Jennifer Lopez's movie, "The Back Up Plan" on DVD got me to thinking (which is usually a dangerous endeavor). While Miss Lopez is certainly easy on the eyes (I could pitch a tent and live on that rump quite happily for quite some time), her acting and subsequent movie choices are generally abysmal. The "Back Up Plan" is no exception. Pure unadulterated crap.
I started thinking about "cross-over" stars, like the aforementioned Miss Lopez, and wondered who is the most talented and successful, if any, of any of these sort of people.

Let's start with singers who have attempted to become actors.
Now, I may be mistaken, because I don't really like to do all the boring research, but I think J Lo (that's her aka on the streets or so I hear) started off as a dancer, a "Fly Girl" I believe they were called on the show "In Living Color". I could be mistaken, but truthfully, I don't care. So, I'll tell you what we'll come back to her in a bit. We'll continue, unless you have something better to do.
I didn't think so.

The latest crop of "cross overs" (singers to actors) is becoming very crowded. Singers such as: Justin Timberlake, Miley Cirus, Britney Spears, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, have all made their jump to the big screen. Of this new crop, we'll have to go with Jennifer Hudson, since she won an Academy Award (1 of only a very few "cross overs" to achieve this distinction. We'll get to the rest in due course, keep your shirt on). My personal favorite, however, is Beyonce. I could watch her lounging around the pool in a bikini and become quite captivated, which is exactly what I've done. Investing in a powerful telescope is the best gift I've ever given to myself.

Let's move on. For the record, I don't accept Rap music as singing. As a matter of fact I don't even accept it as music. I call Rap- Retards Attempting Poetry. My wife hates when I say that, she calls me close minded. I really don't care, I'm old and I say whatever the hell I want. That's one of the benefits of being old. Now, even though I have zero tolerance for (c)rap , I'll allow it as music only for the benefit of this article. I have to, it seems every rapper eventually segues into acting. I don't know why this is, it just is. Who the hell knows?
It must be some unwritten rule that regular shmoes like you and I aren't privy to. You rap then you act.

The list is endless and most of these "singers" aren't worth spit as "actors" so I'll whittle the list down to a few of the ones that I think are worthy of mention. I believe the grandaddy of all these rappers turned actors is LL Cool J. I've seen worse, I'm calling you out DMX (figuratively of course, don't come looking for me to put a cap in my ass, or whatever the hell they say). Alright, let me list a few of these ridiculous "names" with the creative spellings, and I'll tell you who I think is the best. P- Diddy, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Eminem, Mos Def, Snoop Dog, Common. Of these, I'll go with Mos Def, he's not bad, but the best of the rappers turned actors comes down to just 3 names. Queen Latifah, Marky Mark and the one and only Fresh Prince, Will Smith. Mr. Smith is the clear cut winner in this category. I can't believe he was actually once a rapper, he probably can't either. Thank God he moved on.

Now, let's go "old school" and go back to the beginning. It all started with one man, The King, Elvis Presley. He jumped into acting back in the 1950's and cranked out one clunker after another through the 1960's. I'm sorry, but as an actor Elvis was awful. He had a screen presence, I'll give him that, but his acting and movies stink. Save your letters, ok, because I don't read them anyway.

On this list of old timers, along with Elvis are the following: Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. Let's add some ladies to the list: Barbara Steisand, Bette Midler, Cher and oh what the hell, Madonna. This is a powerful list, and while I'm sure most of you would go with Ol' Blue Eyes (Sinatra), I'm going with Cher. Once again, save your lousy letters, I'll use them to line my bird cage if you send them, no offense. Sinatra did win an Academy Award for his acting, but in my humble opinion, Cher has more range as an actor/actress, and she also has a much better body. Now, listen, Streisand is probably the most talented, because she is a competent director as well, but I can't stand her holier than thou persona. So that's that. Cher wins this round.

Alright, let's throw one final cross-over list into the mix, containing athletes and dancers. This list is pretty thin, as not many have made the successful transition. The most famous is former body-builder Arnold Schwarzenegger (or however the hell you spell that mess of letters). He would definitely be the most successful, and he's been in a few good movies (Terminator, T2, True Lies) and plenty of bad ones. The rest of the list goes like this: Jim Brown (football), OJ Simpson (murderer, oops sorry- football), Chuck Norris (karate), Bruce Lee (martial arts), Carl Weathers (football), Bob Uecker (baseball), Mikhail Baryshnikov - I have no idea if I came close to spelling that right, nor do I care (ballet dancer), Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (wrestling) and let's end where we began with the ample buttocks of Jennifer Lopez (Dancer). Let's face it, the acting on this list is pretty lame. We have to go with J Lo on this one, although maybe I'm going senile, but The Rock has shown some potential (if he can stop making kid friendly garbage that even kids hate).

I love lists, so here is my Top 10 all-time "cross-over" actors:

1. Will Smith (2 time Best Actor nominee- Ali and The Pursuit of Happyness)
2. Cher (Best Actress Academy Award for- Moonstruck)
3. Frank Sinatra (Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for- From Here To Eternity)
4. Barbara Streisand (Best Actress Academy Award- Funnygirl)
5. Beyonce (No acting nominations, yet, but in a word, delicious)
6. Jennifer Hudson (Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for- Dreamgirls)
7. Queen Latifah (Best Supporting Actress nominee- Chicago)
8. Mark Wahlberg (Best Supporting Actor nominee- The Departed)
9. Jennifer Lopez (Golden Globe nominee Best Actress- Selena)
10. who cares ?? It sure ain't Hulk Hogan... I've grown bored with this, and I'm sure you have too

Until next time, don't choke on any kernels......I'm Pop Kahn

Ravings of a Madman: (or Brief Anecdotes by a Guy Who Knows How You Should Be Living Your Life a Whole Lot Better Than You Do)

2010-08-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

A New Daily Drivel Column

By Paco Quintana

Brief Bio:

I am a middle-aged elementary school teacher who lives in Queens, New York. That’s all you need to know about me. Why? Because this column is not about me, it’s about you, the general public; a thorn in my side since 1967!!

I Don’t Like Old People

O.K., before you write me off as a horrible, insensitive person, do me a favor. On any given week day (when most productive people in this country are working), get in your car and drive to your local supermarket. When you are stopped at an intersection about a block from your destination you may begin to wonder why, even though the light has changed from red to green, you are still not moving. Now, look directly in front of you at said intersection. You will see a little, old person (usually a woman, but we’ll get to that later) pushing a shopping cart across the street. This doesn’t sound like any great offense, except for the fact that she started across when the walk symbol was almost expired. Now, after you have been stopped at this intersection for twenty-five minutes you begin to think that you will be moving fairly soon. Keep on dreaming! A tiny piece of paper has fallen out of Ethel’s cart. Oblivious to the fact that she is now directly in front of an 18- wheeler, Mabel abandons her cart to pursue what turns out to be a coupon for 7 cents off Colgate toothpaste. Even though Blanche hasn’t had teeth since the Reagan administration, she pursues this coupon with reckless abandon. Since this coupon is now stuck behind your front tire, Agnes bangs her decrepit hand on your newly washed hood and indignantly motions for you to back up so that she can get her precious document (which by the way expired in May/06). Finally, Matilda retrieves her precious coupon, spits on the hood of your car, gives you the evil eye, and finishes her exodus across the street. You are now free to begin the next phase of your geriatric adventure only slightly older than Harriet was when she began her merry jaunt across the boulevard.

As you enter the parking lot you discover an obstacle course of oldies (my cute little name for these vile, misanthropic creatures). Even though these ancient malcontents are only half the size they once were, their automobiles of choice are always twice as big as the vehicles the rest of us (whom I’ll deem society’s productive citizenry) drive. If you’re familiar with the 1972 Pontiac Bonneville, you’ll note that the hood of this automobile is slightly longer than the field of the new Meadowlands Stadium. When a 4 foot 5 inch oldie with smudge filled bifocals attempts to drive this monstrosity the result is disastrous; disastrous for us, since these odorous villains are obviously immune to injury or death.

Somehow you manage to park your vehicle and make your way into the store. Once inside you breath a sigh of relief, there are at least as many productive people in there as there are oldies. In a street brawl you may come out on top; however you suddenly remember how dirty these prehistoric cretins can fight. You don’t want to go home with a set of dentures hanging from your… well you get the picture.

After several altercations with these cantankerous, old fossils, who never get out of your way and will wrestle you to the ground for that one semi-ripe avocado, you finally make it to the checkout line and…. (Now, don’t b.s. me…..we’ve all been there, so take that stupid look off your face and start being honest with yourself; one old broad + 76 expired coupons + you = the fiery pits of Hades!!!!)

I think I’ve made my point. Now let’s get some things straight. I am a firm believer in the fact that people don’t change. That nasty, nefarious, closed minded, old bat was just as nasty, nefarious, and closed minded when she was twenty. So, what happened to all the nice people, didn’t they get old too? Well, here’s the answer to that question; no, they’re all @#$#%^ dead!!!!!!! That idiot with the big nose from Oyster Bay, Long Island got it right, “Only the good die young”.

What’s that? Some of you may be thinking, “Hey Quintana, what about the old men, you only ranted about the women?” Well to that I’ll just kindly ask you to open your eyes and look around. Do you see any old guys? Did you know you grandfather, or was he around by the time you turned ten? The answer to both of those questions is no. Why? Because there are no old men!!!! They just don’t exist. They’re basically the stuff of legends and fairy tales.

I know what you’re thinking, “Quintana, you’re horrible!!!” Well, maybe I am…in fact maybe I’m so bad that I will one day be the world’s first and only old man. But somehow I doubt it. With all those old battleaxes in front of me on the checkout line, I’ll never make it.

Quintana out!

"THIS DAY IN HISTORY"- WITH PROFESSOR LARS VON STREUDEL

2010-08-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

On this day in history, in the year 1957, weak swimmer Jason Voorhees drowned in murky Crystal Lake. His untimely demise was blamed on 2 horny camp counselors attempting to do the horizontal hokey pokey, instead of checking on the whereabouts of young Jason Voorhees. This may or may not be true.

The bigger question was, and is, why was the boy such a terrible swimmer? Was this not a summer camp called, "Camp Crystal Lake"? Shouldn't someone going to a camp, whose very name mentions a large body of water, have some sort of swimming skills? Where was his buddy? Why was he alone? We all know the rules of summer camps. Everyone has a swimming buddy for this exact reason, so that you don't go drowning in the lake.

Somehow, someway, Jason Voorhees thought a night swim was a great idea, while possessing absolutely no swimming skills, on Friday the 13th of all days. Now the Voorhees family will never be confused with Rhodes scholars, that I can assure you, but this idea was dumb, even for a Voorhees.

Did Jason Voorhees drown in the lake or not? We don't know. His young body was never found.
What we do know is 22 years later, on Friday the 13th, camp counselors at the newly renovated and re-opened "Camp Crystal Lake" were butchered by a very angry gentleman wearing a hockey mask and carrying a very large machete. Is this the work of that same lousy childhood swimmer? Perhaps. I don't think there were too many people seeking revenge on counselors at "Camp Crystal Lake" except for those who died in their care. That is a short list. A very short list containing one name, and that name is not Michael Phelps.

This has been- "This Day in History" I am Prof. Lars Von Streudel

K-ROD INTENTIONALLY HITS FATHER-IN-LAW

2010-08-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

New York- Mets relief pitcher Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez has given up a lot of crucial hits this year, but none quite as big as the hits he gave to his father-in-law last night.

According to eyewitnesses, the father-in-law made a funny comment about K-Rod's weight, and the Mets closer started throwing punches at the older gentleman.

"The father-in-law was just trying to be funny, pointing at his [K-Rod's] stomach and asking how many months along he was. K-Rod can be a bit of a baby and started yelling curses in Spanish and began hitting the old guy. He's used to giving up a lot of hits, but these hits were certainly not earned," said the unidentified clubhouse source.

K-Rod was taken into custody in Queens and charged with Third Degree Assault, which is a misdemeanor. The father-in-law, meanwhile, was taken to the hospital suffering from a bump on the head and scrapes to his face and scalp.
The final line on K-Rod's night: 1 walk (in handcuffs), 2 hits, and No balls.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

MAN MAKES HIS OWN DINNER

2010-08-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Flint, MI- Howard Ketcham came home from work last night, changed his clothes, washed his hands, and sat down at the dinner table. After several minutes, a mild panic took over Ketcham's usually calm demeanor, as he realized his wife wasn't home, and there was no dinner waiting for him.

Ketcham sat there for quite some time, waiting hopefully for his wife to come home and serve him his long awaited meal. A few minutes turned into a few hours, and finally with hunger pains driving him forward, Ketcham entered into unchartered territory, the kitchen.

He fumbled around pulling out all the food he could find in the fridge and pantry, and stared at the stove for 15 minutes before attempting to turn on the burner.

Howard Ketcham had never cooked a meal in his 54 years, and in fact, had only been in his kitchen twice before. Once the day they moved into the house and the other time by accident, looking for the bathroom.

"I'm not much for the kitchen," said Ketcham," I leave that stuff to Marge [Ketcham's wife]. I'm old fashioned, you know, I do the outdoor stuff and she does the indoor stuff. That's how my parents did it, and that's how we're doing it. It's worked very well, until now, that is."

Ketcham made a valiant attempt to cook his first meal, and while the fruits of his labor were not aesthetically pleasing, the result served its purpose- a man was fed. The kitchen was destroyed in the process, and may never be the same again, but Howard Ketcham is pleased with his efforts.

"Listen, I'm not gonna quit my day job any time soon to become a short-order cook, but I made a meal damn it. I'm proud of that. It wasn't pretty, and it tasted like shit, but I made it with my own two hands. That's more than my father could've said for himself."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

LOCAL IDIOT REFUSES TO POSE FOR DECENT PICTURE

2010-08-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Local idiot, Horace R. Finkle, ruined another celebration this weekend. Wanda Niedermeyer's retirement party was supposed to be a happy occasion, surrounded by family, friends and co-workers. The local VFW hall was packed with guests, who came to help Niedermeyer celebrate her retirement. A photographer was hired to document the events, unfortunately, Horace R. Finkle was up to his old tricks and over half the pictures have to be thrown out.

"That idiot ruins everything," said Niedermeyer's husband Drake," he wasn't even invited, and yet he's in almost every photo. Wanda is so upset, the memory book I bought for the party will only have a handful of nice pictures. I hate that jerk!"

Finkle, it seems, refuses to pose normally for a picture, and is usually making a weird face or doing something extremely stupid, ruining the moment. His antics have been going on for quite some time, and most of the local residents are fed up with him.

Finkle's refusal to take normal pictures is up for speculation, and Dr. George Levas, a renowned authority on psychological behavior, was consulted regarding this matter. The following is a small portion of the 3 hour response given by Dr. Levas:

"Believe it or not, alcohol only plays a small part in this type of behavior. Yes, it can pronounce and magnify an already existing problem, but this is a classic case of self loathing and an utter contempt for the rules of modern society. Someone like this is uncomfortable in his own skin and, in turn, tries to make those around him uncomfortable as well. This man was probably born with this disorder, and nothing short of a frontal lobotomy will cure him. Extreme? Perhaps. Necessary? Most definitely."

Edna Finkle, Horace's mother, confirms Dr. Levas's theory that he was born with this annoying trait.

"This is nothing new, he's been doing this crap his whole life," said Edna Finkle, "He's been weird since birth, he was even making ridiculous faces in pictures as a newborn. He ruined all the class pictures grades K through 11, and his high school graduation picture was so stupid they refused to use it in the yearbook. Just a blank spot with his name next to it. What a complete idiot. He needs help."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

YOGI BERRA RELIEVED THAT RALPH HOUK DIED

2010-07-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

New York- Yogi Berra slept like a baby last night when news reached him that former Yankees manager Ralph Houk died earlier in the day. Houk, who was 90, died quietly and peacefully in Florida after a brief illness according to family members.

"What a relief," said Berra, "I really thought either me or Whitey [Ford] was gonna be number three, but it turned out to be Houk. I don't mean to belittle his passing, not at all, Houk was a good guy and a good baseball man, I'm gonna miss him."

The theory that death comes in threes seems to be valid after the passing of 99 year old Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard, 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, and now 90 year old former Yankees manager Ralph Houk. All in a little over a week of each other.

"I was feeling the pressure, I really was. I've been a mess for the past week or so. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. I fell on my face a few days ago and busted up my nose pretty good and had to be rushed to the hospital. I thought that was it. Whitey even sent me a card, thinking that I was next. I missed the Old Timer's Game at the stadium, and I'm sure most of you thought I was next too. Not so fast," said Berra.

Ralph Houk, who had 2 stints as manager of the Yankees from 1961-1974, led the team to back-to-back World Series championships in 1961 and 1962. He was known to have a combustible personality and his hot temper clashed immediately with Steinbrenner, who bought the team in 1973. Houk resigned in 1974, and even though he won 2 championships, his association with the Yankees and his legacy have been diminished over the years because he helmed the team during the winless and lackluster years of 1964-1973.

"I almost forgot about Houk when I was trying to think of who might be next. How could I forget old Houk? Well, hopefully, the grim reaper's quota is full for awhile. I plan on being around for a bit, especially to see [Derek] Jeter get hitched, and to win my bet with [Alex] Rodriguez.
As a catcher, I took my fair share of balls off the face. At least I was wearing a mask at the time. He's gonna wish he was in Houk's place when I win. He's seen balls up close traveling at 85 plenty of times, but he's never seen them up close that have been traveling for 85 years."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

REPEATED VIEWINGS OF ‘JERSEY SHORE’ SAID TO BE OF GREAT COMFORT DURING PATIENTS’ FINAL DAYS

2010-07-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

Practioners of palliative care, better known as hospice or “end-of-life” care, have stumbled upon a remarkable discovery. It seems that many terminally ill patients are finding it much easier to accept their fates after watching a few episodes of MTV’s smash hit “Jersey Shore.” The show, which features six young Italian-Americans in various stages of undress sharing a house for the summer, has been hugely popular with a younger audience since it’s inception, but it now seems to have found a new, much older audience.

“You must understand,” said Dr. Daniel Mifsud, a doctor at the Edgar J. Fishbein Hospice in Secaucus, New Jersey, “that for these people, most of whom have faced a long and arduous battle with their illnesses, it is often difficult for them to accept the fact that there is little left to be done. Our goal here at hospice is to make their remaining days as comfortable as possible, both for the patients themselves and their families.”

But it was only recently that members of Dr. Mifsud’s staff noticed a strange trend. It seems that once the patients watched a couple of episodes of the hit show, they found a strange inner peace, and often died, quietly and comfortably, not long afterward. “I was watching an episode on the nurse’s station TV late one night,” explained Carol Mannion, a nurse practitioner on Dr. Mifsud’s staff, “and an older gentleman could see the TV from his room. He was a cranky old fellow, very bitter about his fate, but he immediately asked me what channel the show was on. I put it on for him, and he watched two episodes back-to-back. He died about ten minutes later, with a strange smile on his face.”

Floyd DiMarco, whose mother, Charlotte, was nearing the end of a long battle with stomach cancer and was also a patient at the Fishbein Hospice, noticed a similar phenomenon during Charlotte’s final days. “The first two months that Mom was there, she pretty much had that morphine drip going constantly,” he said. Drifting in and out of consciousness, she was largely oblivious to the presence of her son and daughter-in-law, until she overheard them discussing the show one evening. “Out of nowhere, she became more alert than she had been in months. She opened her eyes, and asked us to put MTV on.” Coincidentally, it was the July 4th holiday weekend, and the network happened to be running a “Jersey Shore” marathon. “See, Mom was a fighter. She’d been sick for years, and resisted the idea of palliative care with whatever strength she had left. But once she got a load of Snooky and ‘The Situation,’ she suddenly came to grips with her plight.” She died shortly thereafter, but not before assuring her son that she was at peace, and ready for the inevitable end. “This may sound strange,” DiMarco said, “but I think she was almost relieved. It’s certainly helped me through the grieving process to know that Mom died peacefully, if not willingly.”

The comfort provided by palliative care professionals, while undoubtedly of great value to patients and their families, is unfortunately also somewhat costly, and beyond the means of those who are either uninsured or have plans which do not provide for end-of-life care. But these findings, as pointed out by Bill Cameron, an executive with EmblemHealth of New York, the state’s largest health insurance provider, may enable some families who may not be able to afford palliative care to ease the suffering of a loved one’s final days, nonetheless. “It’s too early to say for certain,” said Cameron, “but at this point, I’d say ‘Screw Hospice.’ Just prop the old geezer in front of the TV, pop in the Season One DVD, and make sure your suits are clean, because it won’t take long.”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

YOGI BERRA SWEATS OUT THE WEEK AFTER THE DEATHS OF BOB SHEPPARD AND GEORGE STEINBRENNER

2010-07-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

New York- Yankees legend Yogi Berra had trouble sleeping all week. On Monday he received the news that 99 year old Yankee announcer Bob Sheppard had passed away, only to hear 2 days later that 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner had also passed. It was sobering news for the 85 year old Berra.

"Sheppard was CLASS through and through, George was something that rhymes with class, if you remove a few letters. I was sad, but not surprised about Shep. He was almost a century old, which is like 100 years, but I was thrown for a loop when I heard about George. And only 2 days apart. That's the part that got me. They say these things come in threes, so I've had cold sweats all week long," said Berra.

Berra is now officially the oldest living person associated with the Yankees, followed by 83 year old ex- pitcher Whitey Ford.

"What's the statue on these things coming in threes? 1 week? 1 month? 3 months? I don't know, I was never any good with numbers, but I guess it's a race between me and Whitey for the third slot. Although, don't count out [Dwight] Gooden, have you seen what he looks like lately?"

Berra's limited mobility prevented him from attending Bob Sheppard's funeral and he doesn't plan on attending the memorial service for George Steinbrenner.

"I'm staying put," said Berra," I sent my symphonies to the families, telling them how sorry I am. I don't think I'll be leaving the house for awhile. I don't wanna take any chances, I plan on sticking around for a bit. I have a secret, long standing bet with Alex [Rodriguez] that I would live to see [Derek] Jeter get married. He said I'd be pushin' up daisies long before Jeter would settle down. Well, guess what, he [Jeter] got engaged last year, so I'm almost there.
I can't wait to rub it in Alex's face, which is actually the bet. The winner gets to rub his 'you know what' in the loser's face, which shows you how smart he [Alex] is. The bet was his idea, not mine. If he wins the bet, that'll mean that I'm dead. I really can't lose. I didn't even make it through the 8th grade, what's his excuse?
It doesn't matter, cause I'm winnin' that bet. That's what's keeping me going, the look on his [Alex's] face when he loses and realizes what's about to happen. Sorry Whitey, you're up next. Say hello to Shep and the Boss for me."

(Alex Rodriguez agreed to be interviewed for the story, but when the question was asked about the bet with Yogi Berra, he promptly hung up the phone. Read into that what you will. Laszlo Ferrar reporting) DD

LEBRON JAMES CHOOSES MIAMI HEAT- BREAKING THE HEARTS OF CLEVELAND, NEW YORK, CHICAGO AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY

2010-07-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

Greenwich, CT- After months of speculation as to which uniform Lebron James will be wearing next season, the wait is finally over. In a televised 1 hr interview on ESPN last night called, "The Decision", James announced his intention to sign with the Miami Heat alongside friends and NBA superstars Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. The 'decision' has left those outside of the Miami area upset and highly critical of James's announcement.

While fans in Miami rejoiced and celebrated after hearing the news, citizens of Ohio, most notably in Cleveland, were inconsolable. Several groups got together to have #23 jersey burning parties. Cleveland residents weren't the only ones devastated by the news, fans in cities such as New York, Chicago, New Jersey and Los Angeles also voiced their displeasure with James's choice.

"I'm so upset," yelled Elsa Oliphant, a 62 yr old florist from Queens, "I was so sure that he was coming to the Knicks that I made a floral arrangement 6' 8" tall in his image wearing a Knicks uniform. It's made entirely out of various colored carnations and took me an entire week to make. What am I supposed to do with it now?"

"He led us on," said Carlos Silva, a Chicago based tax attorney," he played a selfish game, toying with several teams, knowing full well that he was going to Miami all along. He tarnished his image with that ridiculous 'interview' last night. Jordan never did anything like that. This guy wants to be like Mike, good luck. He's not even worthy of rinsing out MJ's Hanes briefs."

The General Managers of the teams that were spurned by James have vowed to put it behind them and improve their teams by any means necessary, through free agency, trades or working to improve existing players on their rosters. One former suitor of Lebron James, however, is more deeply hurt than the rest. That suitor is former game show panelist and current contributor to The Daily Drivel, Charles Nelson Reilly. Reilly showed up at Lebron's agent's office in Cleveland last Friday and made an ambiguous offer to the confused basketball player.

"The two o'clock meeting was bizarre," said Leon Rose, James's agent," my secretary said Charles Nelson Reilly is here for you, and I thought it was strange that Charles Barkley, Don Nelson and Pat Riley were all here together. I didn't quite understand, but I told her to send them in. When the door opened and this person waltzed in wearing some sort of toga we were all in complete shock. No one moved. Lebron sat there the whole time with his mouth slightly open staring in disbelief as this person made some sort of sales pitch. I couldn't quite focus on his presentation because I was dizzy from all the perfume he was wearing. He smelled like my grandmother. I'm still not quite sure, but I think he was asking Lebron to be his house boy or something. He said something about having a big hole to fill and that Lebron was the right fit. Lebron never said a word. Just stared. The whole 'meeting' lasted ten minutes, he left his number on the desk and skipped out. Literally skipped. It was surreal."

Charles Nelson Reilly watched the Lebron James interview in his hot tub alongside pals, Rip Taylor, JM J Bullock and Paul Lynde, and was in complete shock that he wasn't picked.

"We had a connection, it was kismet when our eyes met, dontcha know. I cannot believe that he picked the Miami Heat over me. Oh! Oh! I refuse to believe it. I have so much more to offer him than they can. This can't be right! I'm at a loss," said a befuddled Nelson Reilly. "Well I've waited this long, I guess I can wait 5 more years. In the meantime, I think I'll put my "feelers" out there and see if I can make another offer. I'm curious about this Rudy Gay. Something about his name intrigues me. Can't quite place my finger on it, but trust me, I'll get to the bottom of it. I always get to the bottom. Oh! Oh!"

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

*(Editor's note- Rudy Gay agreed to a 5 yr- $84 million deal with the Memphis Grizzlies last week, I don't have the nerve to tell Charles myself, maybe one of you can send him an anonymous note. Thanks, JB)

THE DISCERNING PALATE WITH CHAUNCEY ST. BERNARD

2010-07-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

RESTAURANT REVIEW: MARTY SCORSESE’S MEAN STREETS STEAKHOUSE

Bend over, Ben Benson, and push off, Peter Luger! There’s a new king of New York Strip on the New York strip, and his name is Marty Scorsese. Yes, that Marty Scorsese. “Sparks” are indeed flying on the Big Apple restaurant scene, and you don’t have to be packing a Smith &Wesson at Smith & Wollensky to know that the auteur-turned-restauranteur, working in conjunction with executive chef Sonny Kerpous, has arrived in a big way.

You’ll be greeted by a maitre’d whose sense of humor is dry, and a double martini that’s even drier. Do try the house’s signature cocktail, the Bloody Marty, garnished with a Kosher dill “Travis Pickle.” The wine list is extensive, and heavily slanted toward the crimson. Peruse it while sampling the fare from the complimentary “Bringing out the Bread” basket, which includes the housemade “Last Temptation of Crust” baguette, and biscuits rightfully advertised as “So good, you’ll want to kiss the ‘Joe Don’ Baker.” Also memorable is the “Rupert Pupkin Blueberry Muffkin.”

Obligatory appetizers include Clams “Casino,” “Shutter Island” Oysters, and the delectable “Fast Eddie Felson’s Fried Calamari.” Less memorable are the “Sharon Stone Crab Claws,” whose best days are clearly past.

But beef is the reason you’re here, and Bill the Butcher himself would be proud of this array, proudly heralded on your menu under the heading, “Are you talking to Meat?” There’s the “DeNiro Delmonico,” the “Leonardo Loin,” the “Raging Bull Ribeye,” (your waiter will actually shout, “You bother me about a steak?” as it is delivered to the table), the Harvey Keitel-inspired “Prime Rib au Judas,” and the show-stopping “Paul Sorvino Porterhouse,” a steak so big you’ll have enough leftover to soothe two black eyes in the morning. Steer clear of the forgettable “Cape Steer,” a bland petite filet, but do not skimp on the exquisite side dishes, which include “Aviator Asparagus,” sauteed baby “Depart-ichokes,” “Mary Magdalene’s Mushrooms,” and the must-have “Max Cady Mashed Potat-y.”

Desserts are so-so, save for the “Gangs of New York Cheesecake,” and the Jodie Foster-inspired “Iris,” described on the menu as, “A saucy little tart served with a glass of 14-year old port.” Just remember to bring plenty of cash, because green is “The Color of Money” well-spent at this gem, which sadly doesn’t take credit cards. So usher in the “Age of Indulgence,” at Marty Scorsese’s Mean Streets Steakhouse. I’d tell you to go ask Alice, but good luck finding her, because Alice doesn’t live here anymore.

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

2010-06-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK AT IT..........DISCUSSING THE FREE AGENCY OF LEBRON JAMES.........

Paul- Hello America, it's been awhile since we've chatted. Charles and I have been quite busy, keeping our eyes on the world's athletes for you. So much has been going on, isn't that right Charles.

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- We've been watching soccer, or futbol as it's known in most of the world, tennis, auto racing, you name it, we've been watching it. Isn't that right Charles?

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- My partner Charles over here is the laziest, most unprofessional sports reporter in the business. Isn't that right Charles?

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- THAT'S IT!! CHARLES!! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Charles- Whoa. Whoa there big fella. Don't get your panties in a twist. No need to yell.

Paul- I had to get your attention Chuckles, our fans are dying to hear from us. What in the name of Rip Torn has you so distracted today?

Charles- I was just gazing at the new screensaver on my laptop- LeBron about to "jam one home" as they say.

Paul- Is that so? What, pray tell, do you know about jamming one home?

Charles- More than you know sister, more than you know.

Paul- You are a vile creature Chuck. But, while we're on the subject of Mr. James, July 1st or better yet, midnight tonight, begins the most highly anticipated free agent class in the history of professional basketball. Along with LeBron, we have: Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Dirk Nowitzki, Joe Johnson, David Lee, Amare Stoudemire, and several others.

Charles- LeBron is definitely the cream of that soup.

Paul- He is talented, but don't discount the others. I wouldn't mind getting my hands on that Johnson or a big German Dirk, now that's a big man who knows his way around a ball.

Charles- You know that I have a meeting with LeBron on Friday afternoon after the Knicks and Bulls are done talking to him.

Paul- You do? For what possible reason?

Charles- I'm throwing my hat in the ring and making an offer for LeBron's services.

Paul- Impossible. You are not the owner of an NBA team.

Charles- So.

Paul- What do you mean so? You cannot make LeBron James an offer.

Charles- Watch me.

Paul- What kind of an offer are you going to make him.

Charles- Pool boy. Masseuse. Whatever. Don't worry, I'll have an opening for him, dontcha know.

Paul- You realize he's going to be getting at least $16 million, for one year, and he's looking for a multiple year contract. Do you have that kind of moolah Chuckles?

Charles- Of course not. But I'll tell him the contract will have a back end load.
He'll get a huge lump in the end. Oh Oh.

Paul- You truly are vile.

Charles- You're just jealous. I can't wait for Friday, I have the perfect kimono and matching feather ear rings to wear. He won't know what hit him, especially after I douse myself with half a bottle of Chalimar.

Paul- Good Luck Chuck. Stay tuned fans, this could get ugly. Until next time.

LIFESTYLES SECTION

2010-06-24T09:49:00.001-07:00

ENTERTAINING AT HOME WITH

PAM PUTZNAGEL: PARTY PLANNER PAR EXELLENCE

Well, it may only come once every four years, but I for one absolutely love the World Cup. The pride, the pageantry…and especially the parties, which give me the opportunity to break out some of my little used recipes from around the globe. If you’re looking to wow your friends and neighbors at your next World Cup-themed party, these are sure to be a hit.

This year’s tournament is being held in South Africa, and six different countries from that culinary goldmine of a continent are represented. Rest assured, your friends from Cameroon and Cote d’Ivoire will go ballistic for the following, which is my interpretation of a Cameroonian classic:

CURRIED ZEBRA (serves 8-10 as an appetizer)

2 pounds boneless zebra meat, cubed Juice of 2 limes

2-3 tablespoons Serengeti Seasoning 1 cup Medjool dates, pitted

¼ cup vegetable oil 2 tablespoons chopped parsley

2 tablespoons each minced garlic and ginger Salt and pepper, to taste

½ cup monkey urine vinegar

2 heaping tablespoons brown sugar

Toss the meat with the Seasoning and let marinate, at least 4 hours but preferably overnight. Heat the oil in a large earthenware pot over high heat until shimmering, and then brown the meat on all sides, in batches if necessary, and remove. Add the garlic and ginger, and saute for one minute. Deglaze the pot with the monkey urine vinegar, and bring to a boil. Add the meat back to the pot, along with the brown sugar, lime juice, and dates, and simmer over medium heat for approximately 14 hours, until the meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. I SAID IMMEDIATELY !

Those of you going for more of a European flair would do well to serve up a heaping bowl of this Sloth Stew to your Slovenian and Slovakian comrades:

SLOTH STEW (serves 12)

2 Slovenian tree sloths, 8-10 pounds each (preferably live) 2 cups cubed potatoes

3 tablespoons Romanian Rub 1 quart Dalmatian’s milk

½ cup vegetable oil ¼ cup chopped parsley

1 large red onion, thinly sliced Salt and pepper, to taste

½ large fennel bulb, thinly sliced

If using live sloths, promptly kill them with either a gunshot to the head, or by clamping jumper cables onto their nipples and hooking them up to a car battery (although they may continue to scream and twitch, you can be sure they are dead now). Working quickly, skin and debone the sloths; dice the meat into ½ inch cubes, toss with the Rub, and marinate for at least 4 hours, or preferably overnight. While the meat is marinating, place the bones, viscera, and severed head in a large stock pot, cover with cold water, and bring to a boil. Simmer the sloth broth for 3-4 hours, skimming any scum that rises to the top. Strain the broth and set aside; you’ll need 6-8 cups for the stew (any leftover broth can be frozen). Heat the oil in your largest Dutch oven over high heat until shimmering, and then add the meat, in batches if necessary, browning on all sides. When meat is browned, move to a platter and set aside. Add the sliced onion and fennel, and sauté for 2-3 minutes, until just beginning to brown. Add the potatoes and Dalmatian’s milk, bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and simmer for approximately 3 ½ days, until meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!!!

Both of these dishes keep well, and are excellent reheated a few days later, but you know my motto: “With dishes this delicious, leftovers are suspicious.” Don’t miss my next installment, when I’ll show you how to liven up your 4th of July bash with my world famous Feral Cat Fricassee. Bon Appetit!!!

THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

2010-06-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

Greetings. I hope you are all having a great summer so far. I am. I'm in the best shape of my life. Eating well, exercising all day long, making new friends. I can't complain, really. Life is simple in prison. I am somewhat of a celebrity in here, mainly because I stole more than the entire prison population put together, times 100. They respect that. I give them tips on money management, investments more so than laundering, but I dabble in that also. Old habits as they say. I'm really not a bad guy. Not like the fershtinkener media would have you believe. Madoff has a heart you know. I happen to be a very charitable gentleman, that part is never mentioned of course. Madoff is the devil, or the next closest thing. Hogwash!

Madoff is not a monster.

Did I let billions of gallons of oil seep into the Gulf of Mexico? No.

Did I push Gary Coleman down the stairs and let him bleed to death while I yawned my way through a 911 call? Certainly not.

Did I undercook millions of mini meatballs giving thousands of tots the trots like the so-called

'Chef Boyardee'?

Not on my worst day.

Did I ever cheat on my beautiful wife with hordes of sleazy women like Jesse James and Tiger Woods?

Well, maybe I should quit when I'm ahead. You get the point. There are far worse among you than old Bernie. If anything I am a modern day Robin Hood, "I stole from the rich, and, oh well, I can never remember how the rest of that saying goes. No matter, you catch my drift.
The neanderthal guard is signaling for me to stop typing. This is the one true torment of prison life, being told what to do by a schmuck who makes $55,000 a year ($42,400 after taxes). I had more than that in loose change in the cushions of my couch back home. Alright, Alright, I'm stopping you putz.
Madoff out.

LOCAL NEWS

2010-06-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

MAN ATTEMPTS TO CLEAR SEARCH HISTORY,

DISCOVERS WIFE HAS BEEN WATCHING MORE PORN THAN HE HAS

44-year old Gene Miller of nearby Ellensville thought he had covered all his tracks.

“I’d either stay up late, under the pretense of having ‘extra paperwork,’ or get up real early, under the pretense of ‘getting up really early,’” Miller told us. “Once the wife and kids were asleep, it was what I like to call ‘Miller Time.’ I’d log onto the family computer, hit the main stops…you know, ‘redtube.com,’ or maybe ‘youporn.com,’ and just have at it. Take matters into my own hands, if you’ll pardon the phrase.”

For months this went on, with Gene naively believing he was pulling the wool over the eyes of his unsuspecting wife, Dolores, until the day when one of Gene’s co-workers suggested it would behoove him to clear his computer’s Internet search history. “I had mentioned to Stan at lunch one day that I had only recently discovered the wonder that is free, unlimited Internet porn. Stan made the recommendation that I clear my search history, so that the wife wouldn’t find out what I was up to.”

Gene was not the most computer savvy person in the world, and it took him awhile to carry out all of the steps his co-worker laid out for him. But when he found his computer’s search history, he made a shocking discovery.

“I recognized all the sites I had been hitting right away, but there were a lot of racy ones on there that didn’t ring a bell. Things like ‘herecomesthejudge.com’ and ‘fistingbythepool.com.’ At first I thought it had to have been a technical glitch, but then I noticed the log-on times for these sites were all between the hours of 10 am and 3pm Tuesday and Thursday...which is precisely when the twins are in Pre-K. It was then that I put two and two together.”

Dolores, for her part, was unapologetic.

‘I ain’t watching’em for the dialogue, I can tell you that,” she shouted over the din of the jukebox. “My motto is, ‘If you can’t get it at home, you can get it on video,’ and let me tell you, getting it on video has been a hell of a lot easier of late. Now get me another vodka and tonic, babe.” It was noted by this reporter that she was wearing a dress that had to have been at least two sizes too small…

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

The Science Spot with Dr. Harry Proboscis

2010-06-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

This week's question was sent to us from 5th grade student- Sean Granderson in Mrs. Avery's class at Kensington Elementary School:

Dr. Proboscis can you tell me which of these things is the slimiest ?

1 The top of a stone in a shallow stream

2 The hull of 25 yr old a fishing boat

3 A slug

4 A used car salesman
5 A Division 1 College Basketball or Football Coach

Your first guess would probably be the slug, and a fine guess that would be, until we start delving deeper. The slug regulates its body water content thru its skin, and secretes a slimy covering which protects the animal from desiccation (drying out). The foot of a slug also secretes a slimy mucus, on which the slug crawls. Thus when the slug moves, it leaves a trail of mucus and slime behind it. Disgusting? Most definitely. But basically harmless, unless of course you are a crop of soybeans or a stalk of corn.

Another excellent choice would be the slippery stone in the stream, whose slime is created by a combination of bacteria and moss growing with the aid of sun light and moisture from the shallow stream. The slippery slime isn't totally apparent until you try stepping on a stone while navigating the shallow stream. Then you realize how truly slimy the stone was as you find yourself lying on your rump. Ouch!

The hull of the boat is similar to the stone in slime content, but with the added treat of barnacles, which are actually crustaceans that adhere themselves to the side of the boat, amping up the slime factor. Unsightly? Yes. Annoying? Yes, especially if it's your job to clean the boat. But also harmless to humans.

Our next candidate is the unseemly used car salesman. This creature is an entirely different form of slimy, synonymous with lying, greed and a complete lack of ethics. A very close cousin to the American 'cold calling' stock broker, but even more prone to slimy behavior. This creature, unlike the previous choices, is in fact, harmful to humans. This creature would probably wear the Slimy crown if not for our final contestant, and in fact our winner:

The Division 1 College Coach

This, according to all our vast scientific studies, is the unquestioned champion when it comes to slimy. This nasty creature incorporates all the attributes of each of the former contestants and ratchets up the slime quotient by incalculable numbers. Please Beware of this creature!

The Division 1 College coach, much like the slug, leaves a trail of slime wherever it ventures and similar to the used car salesman, will do so with a complete lack of ethics. The coach will destroy a respected school and its reputation and leave just before the investigations are made. Seemingly unfazed and unscathed, the coach will then turn up at another respected school to wreak the same havoc, spreading a thin layer of slime on all those in contact with said creature. The coach will: win numerous games, accumulate vast wealth, accumulate vast wardrobe from Brooks Brothers, become moderately famous, marry an attractive slightly younger woman, have sexual intercourse with numerous even more attractive much younger women (unbeknownst to aforementioned wife), lie to virtually everyone it comes in contact with (most notably recruitment of high school boys and girls and parents of said boys and girls), encourage "boosters" of the college to give highly recruited athletes certain "perks" (including cash, cars, jewelery, homes, prostitutes) and then plead ignorance when said "perks" are uncovered- all while excreting a slimy mucus from its epidermis, only partially concealed by its Brook Brothers tailor made form fitting suits, and shiny Bruno Magli designer shoes.

Boys and girls, scientific research does not lie.

Thank you Sean for your question, hopefully that clears things up for you.

Until next time, I'm Dr. Harry Proboscis, and this has been The Science Spot.

(Please send all questions/ inquiries to The Daily Drivel- Att: Dr. Proboscis)

Sporting News

2010-06-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

BETTY WHITE ADMITS TO AFFAIR WITH TIGER

In what was merely a confirmation of a long-standing suspicion, octogenarian actress Betty White admitted today that she did, indeed, have an affair with golfer Tiger Woods during his philandering days.

“I just didn’t see the point in continuing with the ruse,” the actress said. “I’m 88 freaking years old. Who the hell am I trying to protect?” The not-so-startling admission comes on the eve of Woods’ appearance at this year’s U.S. Open golf tournament, being held on the Monterey peninsula in California, at Pebble Beach. Woods won the 2000 Open on this same golf course by a record 15 strokes, but his hopes for a repeat will surely dampened by this latest scandal.

“Tiger would often give me a “booty call” when he was in L.A.,” White continued. “He told his wife he was visiting his ‘family,’ seeing how he grew up here and all, but that was a crock, obviously. The paparazzi hounded him from the minute he got off the plane, but once they followed him here, they figured he was just paying a visit to a dear old lady in need of some companionship. Little did they know I was rocking his world the whole time.”

White’s sordid admission comes in the midst of a career renaissance for her, as she has recently been a guest host on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” and is co-starring in a new cable TV series, “Hot in Cleveland, “ premiering this fall. And while this latest revelation may prove disastrous to Woods’ attempts to revive his sagging golf career, it will surely do nothing but increase White’s visibility. “I see nothing wrong with the timing of this confession,” White argued. “Why shouldn’t I wait until now, when Tiger is about to tee off in the most difficult golf tournament in the world, and I’m shooting a new series? He used me for his own devious needs, and I’m just returning the favor. Like my slutty old friend Rue McClanahan always said, ‘Get while the gettin’ is good.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

2010-06-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

URINAL CAKE ANNOUNCES FIRST LEG OF TOUR

Grammy-winning death-metal trio Urinal Cake, fresh off the critical and commercial success of their groundbreaking album, You’re a Peein’ Union, today announced the first ten dates of their You’re a Peein’ Tour. The dates are as follows:

Monday, June 28: Dingleberry Downs, KOSOVO

Wednesday, June 30: Franz Fleishwolff Field, BULGARIA

Thursday, July 1: The One Coliseum Inn, LUXEMBOURG

Sunday, July 4: Stadium de How She Likes It, LIECHTENSTEIN

Tuesday, July 6: PissPottPark, POLAND

Friday, July 9: Baron Mikel Scicluna Stadium, MALTA

Tuesday, July 13: Monty Hall, MONTENEGRO

Thursday, July 15: Rufus del Fuego Coliseo, PORTUGAL

Sunday, July 18: L’Arc de Archduke, BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA

Tuesday, July 20: Club Thanksgiving, TURKEY

Warming up for the band on all of the above dates will be the avant garde synth-pop septet Tsunami Tourist Trap. Plenty of good seats available for all shows. In early August, the band will kick off their tour of the war-torn Middle Eastern and Russian caucuses, stopping in Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, and numerous other countries ending in “-stan.” They are not, however, expected to play their hit single, Anwar Sadat Has an Open Mind on this leg of the tour. Opening for these dates will be internationally renowned quadruple amputee “Stump the Band.”

Visit their website at www.bewarethesplashback.com for more information

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

TIRED OF BEING HATED, MONDAY DEMANDS A SWITCH WITH FRIDAY

2010-06-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

Everybody hates Monday and Monday is well aware of it. It's tired of being the most dreaded day of the week, and to prove just how fed up, it hired a top notch law firm to represent it.

"I am sick and tired of all the negativity that surrounds me. It's so unfair, so, so, unfair," said a visibly upset Monday through sobs and gasps.

The most popular day of the week is Saturday (39%), followed closely by Friday (35%), and then Sunday (18%) rounding out the top 3. The rest of the days then drop off severely after that, with Thursday (5%) a distant 4th, followed by Wednesday (2%) and Tuesday (1%).
Monday is barely a blip on the radar when it comes to popular days of the week, and in fact wouldn't even be a blip without Monday night football. Monday's legal team wants to change this miserable perception of their client.

"Monday has been wronged, and this is our chance to fix it. Monday is not a bad day. Not a bad day at all. Several Holidays fall on Monday, like Memorial Day and Labor Day, and every 7 years or so it also gets Christmas and New Year's Day. And yet, even with that, people still loathe my client. What does this poor day have to do to appease you people?" said M. Mark Isenblatt, attorney for Monday.

Monday's reputation has seriously affected its confidence and is considering dropping out of the 7 day rotation all together unless some immediate changes are made.

"Everyone hates me, well, I hate Friday. How about that? Saturday can also go to hell. Those two have it easy. Two smug little jerks if you ask me. But then again nobody asks me do they? I'm the loathsome day that everyone despises. Well guess what, I like me. My mother likes me. Even Tuesday likes me, but that's probably not a good defense, because without me Tuesday would be public enemy #1 instead of me. But, I'll take it anyway because the list of my supporters is very short," said a dejected Monday.

U S Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, feels that the case has some validity, but would hate to see Monday go through a long, drawn out, well publicized trial.

"I happen to be a big fan of Monday, I enjoy my work and look forward to Monday. You may roll your eyes at that, but I'm not alone. I'd hate to see Monday go through a televised trial, where many of Monday's skeletons will be dragged out of the closet and put on public display. It could get ugly, and I personally, do not want to see it, or have to render a verdict on it. Hopefully, a concession can be reached, so that Monday can retain a modicum of dignity. Perhaps offering to name a restaurant chain after it, TGIM. That sounds like a good start," said Ginsburg.

We have to wait to find out the fate of Monday, but for now, it will have to keep its chin up and lead off the work week, whether it likes it or not.

"Maybe we can move Friday's happy hour to me, and then Tuesday will be as hated as I am. Something must be done, I can't go on like this!" said Monday.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

AL GORE DECIDES HIS MARRIAGE CONTRIBUTED TO GLOBAL WARMING, SEPARATES FROM WIFE

2010-06-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

TN- Former Vice President Al Gore is serious about global warming, so much so, that he has cited his marriage as a potential cause. After 40 years of marriage Gore has decided to call it quits with his wife Tipper, mere months after celebrating their wedding anniversary.
Gore believes that his red hot love making has killed plants, trees and even wildlife in the area near his farm in Tennessee. He even speculates that he and Tipper are partly to blame for a hole in the ozone.

"Our love making is legendary, and I apologize for that. I apologize to all Americans, and in fact, apologize to the world. Tipper and I have made love all over the world, putting millions of lives in serious jeopardy. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Irresponsible behavior on my part. Please forgive me planet earth," said Gore at a news conference.
The news has polarized the scientific community. Some calling Gore's statements ridiculous, while others find some credence in his theory.

"I was attending a conference in Geneva, and was jarred awake by disturbing shrieking sounds, like a wolf being crushed inside a garbage truck. Soon after my microwave burst into flames and all the plants in my room wilted. I looked out of my window and saw a haze surrounding the moon. There on a blanket in the middle of the courtyard were the Gores, naked and exhausted. A horrible, horrible sight. One that is forever burned into my memory," said Prof. Harold Brueggemann, " yes, I put stock in Al Gore's theory."

Some politicians are catagorizing Gore's separartion from his wife as smoke and mirrors, trying to gain new momentum for his stance on global warming and climate control which has taken several hits over the past few years as nonsense from meteorologists,ecologists and various scientists.

"Isn't this the plot of that lousy Will Smith movie from a few years ago, Hancock, where Smith and Charlize Theron had to stay far apart because they created too much energy when they got near each other. Something like that. So, I guess Al Gore is assuming the role of a super human force. That ego of his knows no bounds does it?" said Sen. Joseph Lieberman.

Whatever the reason, the Gore's 40 year union seems to have come to an abrupt end, and the news shows, tabloids, and talking heads will have a field day dissecting the whole thing.

For now, it seems that some plant life and perhaps even the ozone are safe for the time being. Until, that is, Mr. Gore starts to get horny.

God help the planet then.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

EX-SLUGGERS MIRACULOUSLY CURED OF VARIOUS AILMENTS

2010-06-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

There is a strange phenomenon sweeping the baseball world these days, which has the medical world completely baffled. It seems that many of the great sluggers of the recent past- such illustrious names as Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmiero, to name a few- have actually seen some of their medical woes heal themselves in recent years. Doctors are at a loss to explain the mystery, which appears to be nothing less than a medical miracle.

Longtime San Francisco Giants’ equipment manager Frank Annunziata was shocked when he happened to bump into Bonds, the ex-Giant, at a recent charity golf outing in the Bay area. Upon first meeting his old teammate, he could not shake the sensation that something about him looked drastically different. “I happened to be playing in the group behind him,” Annunziata said, “and when I saw him on the first tee I couldn’t quite put my finger on what looked so unusual. By the third hole, it finally dawned on me; his head had shrunk at least three full hat sizes.” Annunziata went on to say he distinctly remembered that when Bonds was in his heyday in San Francisco, he (Bonds) would often ask for a new hat, sometimes three to four times a year, and usually requested one that was a size larger than that previously issued. “At first I was worried,” Annunziata continued, “thinking maybe it was encephalitis or something. I asked him about it one time, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he’d been reading a lot of Nietzsche lately. He seemed fine otherwise, so I just forgot about it.”

Meanwhile, trainers for the St. Louis Cardinals are mystified that McGwire, who recently returned to the club as hitting coach, seems to have completely cured himself of the back acne which plagued him throughout his career. “When Mark was still playing,” according to Cardinals’ assistant trainer Mike LaCasse, “he was constantly asking us to see if we couldn’t get a hold of the latest unguents, astringents, and ointments for him. It got so bad at one point that he was embarrassed to take his shirt off. But I saw him coming out of the shower early in spring training one day, and his back was a smooth as a baby’s bum.” When asked if he (McGwire) had discovered some sort of herbal remedy, the ex-slugger was taken aback, according to LaCasse. “All he said was ‘You mean it’s gone? I hadn’t noticed.’ Which I thought was strange, since he was obsessed with it back in his playing days.”

But the miracles don’t end there. Sosa, who insiders claim struggled for years in his attempts to grow even the scraggliest of goatees, has been spotted recently sporting a full beard, to the surprise of his ex-teammates. “We used to give him grief all the time,” ex-Cubs teammate Roy Vasquez said. “He’d try and try to grow it out, but his face back then was as smooth as Mark McGwire’s back is now. Don’t quite know what to make of that.” And Palmeiro, who once served as a pitchman for Viagra, has suddenly found himself swinging for the fences again, without the aid of the Little Blue Pill. “It’s really been quite astounding,” said Palmeiro’s wife, Mitzy. “It’s like he’s seventeen again. Every night, he’s been coming to at me like an ‘a-steroid,’ if you get my drift, wink wink. Thank God for medical miracles, is all I’ll say.”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

The Recession Diet

2010-05-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

MILLIONS LOSING JOBS, LOSING HOMES…AND LOSING WEIGHT!

The recent economic meltdown has negatively impacted millions of lives around the globe. Here at home, unemployment levels have reached an 80-year high, and Americans are losing their homes to foreclosure at a record pace. Spirits are at an all-time low…and not coincidentally, so are our cholesterol levels.

Yes, it seems as though there is indeed a silver lining amidst all the darkness. Due to inordinate amounts of stress, consumer anxiety, and a simple lack of funds, Americans are dining out less, entertaining less, and generally eating less overall these days, much to the delight of cardiologists everywhere. “Things haven’t been this good since the days of the breadlines,” said Dr. Mark Rosenberg, a cardiologist affiliated with the Hospital for Special Surgery in Manhattan. “I’m seeing far fewer cases of what I like to call ‘FTOS’ Syndrome these days. You know, as in ‘Fat Tub of @%&#.’”

Dr. Kevin Luks, a prominent pediatrician with offices dotted across Rhode Island, took those sentiments one step further. “These days, even the kids are slimming down,” he said. “Once upon a time, my practice was nothing more than a parade of roly-poly little punks. But now, I’m seeing a lot less girth out of these snot-nosed little bastards, and I sincerely doubt that it’s the result of an improved exercise regimen, if you get my meaning.”

However, an informal poll of shoppers at a local Walmart showed that, while a tightening of the purse strings has indeed led to a tightening of belts, most Americans are none too pleased by the development. “Who the hell has money for snack cakes,” ranted one disgusted shopper, who identified herself only as “Milly from Philly.” “I’m just trying to keep my lights turned on,” she continued, “even if I no longer get as winded when I climb a flight of stairs.” Tanya Stubblefield, another local shopper, offered a different take. “Sure, I know times are tough, and I can see the stress taking its toll on my husband,” she said. “But I’ll tell you what, I haven’t looked forward to summer this much since I was a teenager, because I am gonna rock that bikini on the beach this year. Look out world!”

One area of consumption which has proven to be somewhat recession-proof has been alcohol consumption, which, perhaps not surprisingly, has been up 30 to 40% in some areas over the last eighteen months, according to recent studies. “But it’s not like the Dom Perignon is flying off the shelves,” cautioned Brad Green, a local liquor store owner. “It seems like all I’ve been selling are gallon jugs of Wolfschmidt Vodka, Gordon’s Gin, and I can’t even keep enough cheap Pinot Grigio in stock.” In a related story, DWI arrests in the area have tripled over the same period.

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

"HOW TO" WITH MR. BACKYARD ENGINEER- DEAN MAVROVITIS

2010-05-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

This week's first letter comes from Stan in Speonk:

MR. B E- The hitch on my trailer is completely rusted, but money's a little tight right now for me to replace it. Is there a way to get rid of the rust?

You bet there is Stan. There is a way to take care of that nasty rust problem. There was a girl that I knew growing up, we'll call her "Blanche". That woman could get the chrome off of a bumper, if you know what I mean. Probably cost you only a few wine coolers. Just joshing of course. What you need to do is get yourself some aluminum foil, crumple it up and soak it in coca cola. Once you start rubbing it on the hitch, you'll be amazed at the amount of rust that comes off. Imagine what that cola does to your stomach. Nasty stuff. That's why I stick to bourbon.

MR. B E- You are a blight to the neighborhood. The chemicals you use in your backyard are dangerous and toxic. My daughter rode her bike through a puddle of liquid in the street in front of your driveway and the bike disintegrated. She came home crying, holding the handlebars and her little horn. That's all that was left. You are a menace Mavrovitis. From an Enraged Neighbor

Enraged neighbor, How dare you sir! Everything used on my premises is disposed of properly and safely. I abide by all the proper town codes. Your daughter's bike probably came apart because a clueless puke like yourself put it together. Is this the same neighbor who's been peeking through my shades at night trying to sneek a peek at my wife? I bet it is. Well, neighbor, you obviously know where I live, so why don't you stop by one of these days. Okay tough guy?

MR. B E- Instead of purchasing one of those expensive Weber grills, I used your advice and made my own barbecue grill out of items I had lying around my property. Thank you, it worked like a charm. I now have third degree burns over 50% of my body and am missing 2/3 of my nose and most of my left ear. What the hell were you thinking when you told me to use liquid oxygen? From Charred in Charleston

Wow, what is this pick on Dean day? Hey Charred, I'm sorry for your unfortunate accident, but let's get something straight, I gave those instructions to someone I believed to be a man, obviously I grossly under estimated your testosterone level. Toughen up pal, it's only skin, it grows back for Christ's sake. I warned you about the liquid oxygen, or as those in the know like to call it- LOX. I said be careful, did I not?
I told you that an ignition source, such as a lit cigarette, must be present BEFORE pouring on the LOX. If charcoal is PRESOAKED in LOX first, an EXPLOSION will result because one briquette presoaked in LOX is approx equiv to 1 stick of dynamite. Isn't that what I said silly? I'm sorry, Charred, but I'm not taking the blame for your ineptness. I've got enough B S going on in my life right now, trust me.

MR. B E- We're thinking about building an extension on our home so that my mother in law can live with us. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what permits and materials I would need.
From Joe in Jersey

Joe, Joe, Joe. Sweet naive Joe. The "materials" that you'll need for this job are as follows:

1 head full of rocks (presumably yours)
2 testicles missing (also yours)
2 overbearing women (1 there already, 1 on the way)
1 life over (that's right yours again)

I can not, and will not, assist you in this foolish endeavor.

(If you do however go through with it, make sure the room you build is poorly ventilated and equipped with a portable propane heater. You can thank me later.)

Office Workers Try to Figure Out Who Spit in The Stairwell

2010-04-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Bristol, Ct- Scandal has rocked the offices of Blanda-Gunnerson Advertising. While walking up the interior stairwell between the first and second floors, an office worker noticed a small, fresh wad of saliva left on the third stair from the top. The gruesome discovery caused quite a stir in the usually quiet offices, as co-workers tried to figure out why and how such a thing could have happened.

"I did a double take," said a visibly upset Karalyn Murray, "that can't be what I think it is, can it? But upon closer inspection it was. Someone actually spit here! Right here in the stairwell where we all have to walk! What kind of a sick monster would do such a thing?"

Speculation abounds. Most are convinced that it was not done by someone in the office, but perhaps a delivery or cleaning person. Theories are in full swing, as the office tries to make sense of the heinous act.

"Why the heck would it be a cleaning person? That makes no sense at all. They would be the ones that would have to clean it up. Dumbest theory yet. Now, if you ask me, I think it might be that UPS guy. I could have sworn I heard him clearing his throat this morning. I think he has a cold. Too much of a coincidence if you ask me," said Ted Glumpkin.

That theory was quickly rebuffed by several other office workers, namely Barbara "Babs" Brisbane.

"Ted is way off base about the UPS guy. He's just jealous because most of the women think he's cute and flirt with him. Ted hates him. Besides, he made deliveries at ten, and the loogie was spotted before that. I think it was Ted if you ask me, he's trying to frame the poor guy."

Work came to a standstill for several hours as the discussion continued, sometimes becoming heated as the accusations began to fly.

"The spit was new, there were still bubbles in it when it was discovered, it has to be somebody in this office. It was way too fresh, it is one of you," said Judy Koppelman, as she squinted angrily at a group standing by the copy machine.

The saliva has divided the office, with former friends blaming each other, starting rumors, and wondering which one of them could be the culprit.

"I'm sick thinking about this. Physically sick. I can't believe that one of these people that I share an office with could be so disgusting. Someone that I share a water fountain with. Someone I talk about American Idol with. Someone I might have had lunch with. I'm repulsed by the whole thing. I'm ready to quit," said Murray.

As of press time no one has come forth as the offending party, and it is highly unlikely that the spitter will ever be found. There has been some talk of DNA testing, but both Blanda and Gunnerson have refused to pay for such tests, and have instead posted a more cost- effective 'No Spitting' sign in the stairwell.
For now the office workers of Blanda-Gunnerson will be suspicious of each other and things may never ever be the same again. DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

PIANIST ATTACKED BY BEE'S NEST

2010-04-20T20:44:00.000-07:00

Pieter Vanderbosch, world class pianist, had to cut short his performance at Carnegie Hall last night due to a bizarre accident. The pianist's penis was attacked by a bee's nest. Easy for you to say.
The attack occurred near the very end of the pianist's concert, during his performance of the "Rach 3", which is the extremely difficult piece formally known as Piano Concerto No 3 in D minor by Sergei Rachmaninoff. The demanding piece is widely regarded as one of the most challenging concertos in the standard piano repertoire and one that most pianists refuse to play.
Vanderbosch was midway through when he started to shake and convulse while letting out a blood curdling scream. Audience members assumed the Rach 3 was taking its toll on the pianist, until they heard him yell, "Bees".

Somehow, a bees nest formed under the piano, and the Rach 3 stirred them up, attacking the pianist at the closest point to the nest, his crotch.

Vanderbosch is in a lot of pain, but claims he will attempt the Rach 3 again in tonight's concert, as long as the swelling in his aching member subsides.

So, in conclusion:

The bee's nest, perturbed by Pieter the pianist, pummeled his penis, preventing his piece de resistance. DD

THE VATICAN FORGIVES THE BEATLES AFTER 40 YEARS

2010-04-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

The Vatican forgives the Beatles. After 40 years the Catholic church finally says it's ok to listen to the music of the Beatles. The official newspaper of the Vatican, L'Osservatore Romano, had this to say, "Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels."

The Catholic church took exception to remarks John Lennon made at the height of the band's fame, claiming they were "bigger than Jesus" and "Christianity will go," Lennon told London's Evening Standard. "It will vanish and shrink ... Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me."

Rest well dear John, the church finally forgives you.

In light of recent scandals which have plagued the Catholic church, it is a head scratching move to discuss the Beatles who have been broken up for 40 years and have only 2 of the remaining Fab Four still alive.

"I didn't know they were harboring a grudge," said Paul McCartney with a wink, "I guess I'll finally be able to sleep tonight."

The Vatican newspaper goes on to say that the Beatles were initially dropped from favor by the church because of their "dissolute lifestyle and use of drugs" along with the enflammatory comments made by Lennon and their supposed satanic lyrics.

Ringo Starr was far less diplomatic is his assessment of the Vatican's new found forgiveness:

"You've got to be kidding me? An organization of kid touchers is going to forgive us? Is that what I'm hearing? Is that correct? I'll take a bloody pass on their forgiveness. I'm fairly sure they have bigger concerns than worrying about us. I'm glad that I don't need to sell any more records at this point of my life, because the seal of approval from those perverts would surely doom our sales. John was right, he went easy on them. They don't want to hear what I have to say about them, that's for damn sure. Preaching forgiveness and tolerance, yet they condemned us immediately and took 40 years to come around. Sounds like the blokes that killed Christ, not the ones who are supposed to be spreading his bloody word. Don't get me started alright! What's next on their agenda? Are they going to forgive Marilyn Monroe for sex out of wedlock? Tell those poofs to mind their own store and not worry about the rest of us. Now piss off!"

And he's the happy Beatle.
We can safely assume Mr. Starr will not be attending Sunday mass any time soon. DD

THE DISCERNING PALATE WITH CHAUNCEY ST. BERNARD

2010-04-15T20:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome, welcome to my trials and trevails in the unpredictable world of food tasting. I have traveled the globe, dined with dignitaries, and savored delicacies (and occasional atrocities) from Aruba to Zimbabwe. To put it mildy, I know food.
I am, of course, Chauncey St. Bernard, but I'm sure you already knew that.
This week I attempted something different and lowered my standards (oh the horror) to sample some 'fast food'. I know what you're thinking, "dear Lord Chauncey how could such a refined and revered beacon of class and distinction stoop so low?"
Well trust me dear readers, it shan't happen again, that I can tell you.
The reason for my treasonous act was simple and innocent. Curiosity.
KFC (yes that greasy old clucker from Kentucky) has created a media blitz with its new chicken "sandwich" called the 'Double Down'. I, like many others, was curious about a breadless sandwich that consists of two boneless chicken filets filled with two types of cheese, two pieces of bacon, and a secret sauce. Intriguing.
I rubbed elbows with the common folk, they of their Walmart purchased attire and Flowbee vacuumed haircuts. A moment of weakness, one I will not be repeating any time soon.
I stepped up to the counter with perspiring brow and heavy heart, and ordered one 'Double Down' sandwich and a diet soda.
I sat down in a filthy corner table, tucked a paper napkin in my shirt collar, blessed myself, and began a frightful journey that will haunt me to my dying days (which could be any day after that "sandwich").
The saliva in my mouth immediately dried up from the enormous amount of sodium contained in the stringy chicken filets and limp bacon. I drained my soda container dry in one panicked sip, and ran screaming up to the fountain for an emergency refill. The patrons stared at me as if I were a three legged leper.

I sat back down, composed myself, and attempted another bite. This time I was prepared with drink in hand. The greasy and repulsive sandwich went through my system instantaneously, treating my intestines like a wildfire burning through a dry forest. Quick and devastating. I felt it coming, but was defenseless against its brutish force as I puckered my sphincter and made a run for the world's most disgusting bathroom. You can imagine the rest, I will spare you the gory details, suffice it to say that those clothes were promptly incinerated upon my arrival home.

I crawled up in a ball in a corner and rocked and cried myself to sleep. Col Sanders literally gave me the bird that afternoon, and my ravaged interior, and posterior for that matter, may never be the same again. If you value your health (and your dignity) please stay away from the cholesterol infused "Double Down" sandwich.

You'll thank me.
Until next time, I am as always, Chauncey St. Bernard.
Bon Appetit !

OBITUARY

2010-03-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

Jaime Escalante, inspiration for Hollywood film "Stand and Deliver", dies at age 79

Jaime Escalante, forever immortalized by actor Edward James Olmos in the movie "Stand and Deliver", died Tuesday at his home. Escalante known as the "lazy postman" was 79. Jaime Escalante joined the U S Postal Service in 1959 and made an immediate reputation for himself as polite, affable, well meaning, but downright lazy.
"He was such a nice guy, but geez Louise, he took a million breaks. You'd look for him and always find him sitting down somewhere on his route. Under a tree, on the lawn, on top of his truck, under someone's front porch. Anywhere but up delivering the mail. Man, Jaime hated to deliver mail, but he loved people, that's why he kept at it all those years," said Tom Corcoran, a retired co-worker.
Escalante was beloved by his customers even though most times they received their mail days or even weeks late, and some times not at all.
"You couldn't get mad at Jaime, no matter how hard you tried. He delivered bills to my house ten days after they were actually due, which ruined my credit and almost my life, but when I looked into those watery brown eyes of his I just couldn't stay mad," said Henry Bumstead.
Escalante was fired over 100 times during his 40 year career as a postal carrier, but his customers and co-workers always rallied around behind him and got him his job back.
Ironically, Escalante died of cancer, after his doctor mailed him his test results, which were found unopened in a pile of mail.
"If he would have come in as soon as we mailed him the news he might have had a chance. I don't think he ever opened his mail," said Dr. Tim Mehta. DD

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

2010-03-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

FOX UNVEILS ITS SLATE OF SUMMER TV SHOWS

The current tv schedule is still in full swing, but Fox has already announced its summer weeknight lineup. The summer tv season gets mucher lower ratings than the regular season which typically ends airing new shows by late May. The summer season generally tests new shows that might be slightly edgier than those shown during the regular season. This summer's Fox lineup is certainly no exception. Here is what we have to look forward to this summer from Fox:

Mondays 8 PM-

"Oh, that Morgo"- A "wacky" comedy about a giraffe named Morgo who keeps fooling the local residents of a small midwest town into believing that he is the mayor, the town doctor, or in one case, a man's long lost wife. He doesn't speak, but does a lot of pointing and shrugging, aided by a variety of fake wigs, mustaches and hats. The case of mistaken identity always ends with the duped party shaking their fist and saying, "Oh, that Morgo!" as Morgo shrugs, removes his disguise, and winks at the camera.

(Brought to you by creator Jorge Silva, who also created the quickly canceled 2008 sitcom, "That's my gay dad".)

Tuesdays 9 PM-

"Cheeto and the Thumb"- An unlikely duo join forces to solve mysterious, unsolved criminal cases. The 2 former arch rival private investigators having used up all their resources, decide to team up in this uncoventional one hour drama that Entertainment Weekly says, "will make you forget everything you think you know about everything you think you know, and may even cause you to question the existence of God. Cheeto and the Thumb is a revelation! A+". There's not much we can add to that.

Wednesdays 10 PM-

"Two Weeks of Dick"- Comedian, actor and frequent drug user Andy Dick will pick families at random out of the yellow pages and move in with them for two weeks. This new reality show will follow Dick and his adopted "family" day and night to document all the planned and unplanned events that make up the life of Andy Dick. He may make the family an impromptu lavish meal while dressed as a geisha or he may be found in the pool shed out of his mind on crack, naked with a few local boy scouts. You never know with Andy Dick!

The family that is able to tolerate his antics for a solid two weeks chooses one of two envelopes. One may contain $250,000 but the other may contain Andy's toenail clippings or possibly his unpaid court and legal expenses. It's a roll of the dice!

Thursdays 8 PM-

"Food Shopping with the Stars"- each week 8 B-List "celebrities" will go food shopping for one hour with a specific list. Join "stars" such as Marla Maples (former Mrs.Trump), Danny Bonaduce(The PartridgeFamily), Kevin Federline (former Mr. Britney Spears), Charlene Tilton (Dallas), Lorenzo Lamas(??), Ron Palillo(Welcome Back Kotter) and others to see who can get all their items and save the most money in an hour. Will they buy Glad or Ziplock?? Will they choose Wonder or Pepperidge Farm?? Will they use paper or plastic?? Don't miss a minute of the gut wrenching action.
DD

VIOLENT GANG WAR BROKEN UP BY THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON ON EARTH- THE SWEET VOICE OF MICHAEL BUBLE

2010-02-20T15:20:00.000-08:00

Compton, CA- A gang war was averted and several lives spared when Michael Buble appeared and saved the day. The gang war was about to become bloody in the back streets of Compton when the pop singer just happened to be driving by. Buble parked his car, jumped out and used his most powerful weapon, his sweet angelic voice. The members of the warring gangs at first decided to "gut the fancy little white boy", but stopped dead in their tracks when Buble began to croon.

"I ain't never heard a voice like that before," proclaimed Tre "T-Pain" Decker, "it gave me a warm feelin inside, like a plate of homemade butterscotch cookies that my nanna used to make me. A feelin like that you know? Damn boy, that motherf*%#er can sing."

By the time Buble finished singing, gang members from both sides were arm in arm swaying to the sounds of his rich velvety voice.

"That cracker is off the hook. He touched my heart today. He sure did," said Javier "Deathblow" Tavares, "I don't know why we were fighting anyway."

If Buble's voice can stop hated rivals from killing each other, then what else can be accomplished by this amazing man?

Possibly world peace?
DD

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

2010-02-05T07:21:00.000-08:00

Hello there, I'd like to welcome you to my movie critique section that I like to call:

POPCORN WITH "POP" KAHN

Pretty ingenius, huh, I made that up myself, I'm Herb Kahn. I've been around movies my whole life.

My reviews and insights have appeared in numerous publications all over the world, and now the editor of this wonderful little news outlet has hired me. Smart move.

The Academy Award nominations were announced this week, so we have a lot to discuss.
Do you realize that they now nominate 10 movies for Best Picture? 10
Have they lost their minds? We could barely scrape together 5 worthy films in past years, and now they want to nominate 10. I don't get this business. The show is going to last 12 hours now. They'll just telecast throughout the night and announce the winner of Best Picture live on the morning news.
Maybe Matt Lauer will present it.
Movies are supposed to entertain, are they not? I want to lose myself for 2 hours and forget my rotten life. Are you with me? Some of the choices in year's past have boggled my mind, but now, I'm at a loss.
Let's take a look at the nominees shall we-

UP-   An animated movie for Best Picture? What gives? Didn't they create a category for animated movies so this wouldn't happen? They have no clue what they're doing over there do they.
The plot of this movie is much like my own life. Man is married, has dreams of an exotic vacation in a South American paradise that never happens, wife dies, man decides to use helium balloons to transport house to said paradise. My life. Except replace helium balloons with heroin and you have my life. And my wife isn't dead. Yet.

PRECIOUS- Do you think that I'm about to plunk down 10 or more bucks to watch a girl get molested by her own father? Twice! Didn't I just say I wanted to be entertained? I can watch the six o'clock news and get my fill of despicable stuff like that. My life is depressing enough, thanks anyway.

UP IN THE AIR- UP? UP IN THE AIR? Huh? What? Is this that same animated movie? Don't worry, I'm confused too. They have no idea in Hollywood what the hell they're doing.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS- Is that even a word, inglourious? I'm fairly sure that basterds is spelled wrong also. Whatever, artistic license I guess. Let Tarantino do whatever he wants, he looks about 30 seconds away from opening fire on the entire room. He makes me nervous. As far as the movie- Brad Pitt doing some crazy accent, scalping nazis. If anyone has it coming it's those damn nazis. I'm not much for gore, so this kind of stuff I can do without.
Just don't tell Tarantino what I said, if anything tell him that I said it should win Best Picture.

AN EDUCATION- Here is a perfect example of how the Academy of Motion Pictures thinks they're so much more sophisticated than you and I. Where was this movie playing? Did you see it? Hear about it? Know anyone who has? I know I don't. How can we decide what the best movie is when we can't watch some of them?

Alright, half way home. Do you believe they nominated 10?

AVATAR- Isn't this another animated movie? Whatever. Gee, what an original plot. I liked it better when it was called, 'Pocohantas' or 'Dancing With Wolves' or ten million other movies with the same beat you over the head message. 'I have more in common with my so-called enemy than I do with my own people.'   Groundbreaking stuff there Cameron.
(By the way enough of this 3D crap, my glasses are goofy enough, I don't need your cheap goggles on top of mine. I want to be comfortable for Christ sakes, I am paying money for this.)

THE BLIND SIDE- Sandra Bullock all tarted up, putting on some southern sass. I'm in. Feel good true life story, sounds like a winner to me. I like Sandra Bullock. I once bumped into her at a restaurant in Santa Monica, and she had me forcibly removed. But that's neither here nor there. A misunderstanding really. I don't hold a grudge, lovely woman. Lovely, lovely woman. She smells like vanilla up close.

DISTRICT NINE- Low budget sci fi movie made in South Africa with no recognizable actors.   Is this movie getting nominated in a year when they're picking 5 movies? Of course not. The producers of this movie are counting their lucky stars that this wasn't released the year before. Good for them. I'm pulling for them, but they don't have a prayer.

A SERIOUS MAN- Another movie that was no where to be found. Surprising because it was made by the Coen brothers. Too similar in name to A Single Man, and to be honest I don't know which is which. One is about a man who, oh what the heck, who am I kidding, I haven't seen either and neither have you. I'm not going to try and B S you. Let's move on, this isn't winning anything.

THE HURT LOCKER- This sounds like where I change after my weekly pick-up basketball game at the local YMCA. I hope it smells better than my locker.
This is a war movie. Serious stuff. Defusing bombs during the war in Iraq. Spine tingling stuff. It's between this and Avatar and I predict this will win. I'm usually right about this stuff, ask my wife. She hates my guts.

Like I said, I like to be entertained. These are my favorite movies of 2009:

I LOVE YOU, MAN ( if you can make Lou Ferrigno funny, then you're doing something right)
THE HANGOVER (if you can make Mike Tyson funny, then you're really doing something right)
SHERLOCK HOLMES (A little too much fancy camera work, but entertaining nonetheless)
ZOMBIELAND (slightly scary, but very funny)
BLACK DYNAMITE (you can't go wrong with a spoof of Blaxploitation movies,well, at least I can't anyway)
THE BLIND SIDE (I'm partial to Ms Bullock as I've explained, I may have even shed a tear or two)
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (that's right a geezer like me likes a kid's movie, so what)

Alright, that's all Pops has for you at the moment. Keep watching and renting and we'll catch up soon.

WIFE HAS ENOUGH OF HUSBAND WHOSE AWKWARD CLAPPING LASTS TOO LONG

2010-01-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

Peoria, Il-    Betty Burke is livid with husband Al, whose public displays of clapping have become more and more annoying.

"This clap of his has finally pushed me to my limit. 30 years of it and I can't take it anymore. He always finishes three seconds after everyone else, to the point where people turn around and look at us. I'm mortified," said Betty Burke.

Al's latest awkward clap was last night at his grandson's music recital at the local high school. After each song, the audience politely applauded, but Burke's clapping went on a little too long, disturbing the musicians, and angering the crowd.

"I thought it was funny the first time, but it happened after each song. There were eight songs, by the fourth one I was ready to wring his scrawny neck," said Arthur Yolmeyer, whose daughter was onstage playing the clarinet.

It seems Al Burke is clueless about his clapping, and didn't realize that he was bothering anyone.

"Gee whiz, I sure am sorry. I didn't know it was such a major issue. When I clap, I give it my all, and I don't want to stop. I'm showing my sincere appreciation to someone or something that I think deserves it. People stop when they want. I didn't know there was an appointed time to stop. Is there? Is there an exact science to how long a clap should last? Well, is there?   Your silence speaks volumes, and I will continue to clap until I deem it to be sufficient. Betty is just going to have to deal with it."

Mr. Burke applauded me right out his front door, and I heard him still clapping as I pulled out from in front of his house and drove up the block.     DD

EDITORIAL FROM GOD

2010-01-31T12:16:00.000-08:00

Hello, it's been awhile since I've heard from some of you (you know who you are, I won't embarrass you here), others I hear from constantly.

Which is fine. I love you all, you know that.

Please let me dispel a rumor that's been going around for quite some time now.

I don't take sides in sporting events. Never have. Never will.

Quite frankly, I couldn't care less. I'm sure that you're aware that I'm kind of busy. Right? You do understand that, don't you? I don't have time for games and sports. I wish I did. Maybe in a perfect world I would (Ha Ha).

When an athlete taps their chest and points toward heaven, or thanks me first when he or his team wins it's sweet, I don't mind , but it's kind of silly.

Do they think I really helped them to win and turned my back on the rest?

What kind of God would I be if I did that? Answer, not a very good one, right.

I don't take sides. I don't help balls go over walls or through hoops, it's just not one of the things that I do.

Thank your team mates, thank your coaches, thank your fans, heck, thank yourself, I had nothing to do with it. I'm not responsible for your opponent's misery, who is now sobbing, and is mad at ME. I didn't do anything. I'm busy, my plate is full.

Alright? Are we clear? Good, I'll see you on Sunday.

Love, the man upstairs.

MAN CRASHES INTO RESTAURANT, ORDERS BREAKFAST AND COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SERVICE

2010-01-12T19:54:00.000-08:00

Butte Falls, OR- The patrons of Waffles "N" Gravy & More on Pine Street were jolted awake by more than owner Maryann Caskey's coffee yesterday morning. A car driven by Bobby Pardue, 33, from nearby Medford, crashed right through the front window of the popular eating establishment during breakfast hours.

"I was behind the counter making coffee when I heard this frightening crash and I turned around to see the front of a car where one of my windows used to be," said Caskey, " I was in complete shock, I stood there, coffee pot in hand, just staring at this incredible scene."

Amazingly, no one was injured.

Pardue emerged unscathed from the '93 Reliant K car, brushed himself off, grabbed a menu from the rack and sat down in a booth where he signaled for the waitress.

"I've been hearing about the breakfast at this place for a long time, so I decided to give it a try since I was in the area," said Pardue," I have to say, I was not impressed. It took forever to get the waitress to come over, and an eternity to get the food. The meal was terrible, and I'm being generous when I say that. How the hell do you mess up pancakes for Christ's sake? Very, very disappointing. It ruined my entire day, I'm so sorry I wasted my time."

Caskey estimates the damage to be about $25,000 and will need to close up for several days while the repairs are made, which will also cost her in lost revenue.

"What an absolute jerk! He ruins my business, and not only doesn't he apologize, he complains about the food and the service. I guess you have to consider the source. His taste for good food is right up there with his superior driving skills," said Caskey.

OBLIGATORY ADVERTISEMENT

2010-01-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

1-877-JOBS4KIDS

Parents, we want to teach your kids the value of hard work and the sense of pride for a job well done.
Aren't you tired of America losing jobs because of outsourcing to foreign nations?
Of course you are!
Well, here's your chance to fight back and make a difference!
Little Johnny doesn't need those piano lessons, let's face it, he sucks. You know it. We know it. Heck, Johnny knows it.

Susie doesn't need to join gymnastics, dance and soccer. Does she?
Aren't you sick of being a chaffeur for that little brat?
Of course you are!
Why are you wasting everyone's time and your hard earned money?
We feel your pain. But guess what, there's something that you can do about it. CALL US!!

Send them to us after school, little Johnny/Susie will learn something valuable in one of our many factory outlets, where he/she will work side by side with other unskilled laborers just like themselves.
They will learn a skill that will stay with them the rest of their lives, unlike those piano lessons that we all know are basically useless.

Companies such as NIKE, THE GAP, IKEA are all on board with us.
Wouldn't you be proud to tell your friends that your child's sweat and tears put together that tv stand or sewed that fancy sweater.
Of course you would.

1-877-JOBS4KIDS

Call Today!!

Let's put the 'I can' back into American!

(EDITOR'S NOTE: WE ARE JUST TRYING TO PAY THE BILLS WITH AD SPACE, WE DON'T NECESSARILY CONDONE THE USE OF SWEATSHOPS)

NEWSFLASH- BREAKING NEWS

2010-01-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

IN A SHOCKING REVELATION, FORMER MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER MARK MCGWIRE HAS ADMITTED THAT HE TOOK STEROIDS DURING HIS PLAYING CAREER.

McGwire Regular Flavor

McGwire Extra Strength

(

IN AN UNRELATED STORY, WATER HAS ADMITTED THAT IT IS, IN FACT, WET.

WOMAN FINDS IMAGE OF JESUS ON FISHSTICK CHRISTMAS DAY

2009-12-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

Denver, Co- Bertha Fluppins was hungry Christmas Day and rummaged through her freezer for something to eat. She wasn't in the mood for the frozen pot pie or the pepperoni french bread pizza, but she came across a package of fish sticks covered in ice at the back of the freezer.

"I don't remember ever buying fish sticks," said Fluppins, "they must have been in there for quite some time. The box was covered in ice and was actually stuck to the back wall of the freezer. I pulled it out and tried to find some sort of expiration date on it, but I couldn't find any. The Lord works in mysterious ways, I never got a chance to eat the darn things, which is good because it probably would've killed me."

Fluppins, undeterred by her hunger, decided to fry up the ancient fish sticks and eat them for lunch. She tossed them in a frying pan, and luckily had the heat up too high, burning most of the fish sticks beyond edible form. Of the six she attempted to cook, only one was only slightly burned, and when she turned it over to cover it in ketchup, she made her amazing discovery.

"I was about to shove the whole thing in my mouth, and just before I did, I took a quick look at it. I did a double take. It was Jesus staring back at me from the bottom of the fish stick! I couldn't believe it! I licked off the ketchup, and held it up to the light, wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but no, there it was plain as day, Jesus. On his birthday of all days."

Fluppins thinks it was devine intervention and believes that Jesus actually saved her life. The expiration date on the box was faded, but was found to be April 1983.

"I think Ms. Fluppins is very lucky that she didn't ingest that toxic fish stick. I don't think she would have been around to celebrate this holiday or any future holidays if she had," said her doctor, Dean Romano," I am hesitant to think Jesus stepped in here. I am more inclined to blame Fluppins's lousy cooking abilities that actually saved her life.
She sees Jesus, and you know what, more power to her. I kind of see John Phillips from "The Mamas & the Papas". I'm not a religious man, but I guess we should all be happy that it was Jesus she saw, because if it was John Phillips it might have gotten her addicted to heroin and then molested her for the next 10 years." DD

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE FROM SANTA CLAUS

2009-12-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

HERE WE ARE AGAIN, ONE WEEK AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS. EVERYONE IS TRIMMING THEIR TREES AND GETTING IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, WHERE DID THE TIME GO? YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT OL' SANTA HAS BEEN UP TO SINCE LAST CHRISTMAS.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU, BUT TRUTHFULLY........ IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
WHAT? WHAT DID SANTA JUST SAY? THAT'S RIGHT I'M IN A FOUL MOOD THIS YEAR.
PEOPLE ARE MISERABLE, THE ECONOMY IS STILL IN DIRE STRAIGHTS, AND MY WIFE IS FAT, I MEAN REALLY FAT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, BECAUSE HER MOM WAS A VERY, VERY LARGE WOMAN.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, WHO THE HECK IS HE TO CALL ANYONE ELSE FAT. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, I AM FAT, BUT GUESS WHAT, I'M FREAKIN' SANTA CLAUS!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FAT, THAT'S MY THING, IT'S WHAT THE JOB CALLS FOR, AND BY THE WAY, I WAS FAT WHEN I MET HER. SHE WASN'T. FAR FROM IT AS A MATTER OF FACT. SHE WAS LEAN AND TRIM. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
WHATEVER, LET'S MOVE ON.

YOU MAY BE A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THIS YEAR IN WHAT YOU FIND UNDER YOUR TREE. WE'VE ALSO FELT THE FINANCIAL STING OF A DOWN ECONOMY AND BEEN FORCED TO "TIGHTEN OUR BELTS" AND CUT CORNERS.

THE Wii FIT THAT YOU ASKED FOR IS BEING REPLACED WITH A JUMP ROPE. YOU WANT AN INTERACTIVE GAME, WELL HERE YOU GO. START JUMPING.

THE iPOD YOU'RE EXPECTING WILL NOT BE APPEARING IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WILL? A PLASTIC KAZOO AND A TAMBOURINE.
GO TO TOWN. MAKE AS MUCH MUSIC AS YOU WANT.

DON'T LOOK TOO HARD FOR THAT KINDLE UNDER THE TREE, BECAUSE YOU MAY NOT FIND IT. BUT I HAVE A FEELING YOU'LL COME ACROSS YOUR OLD LIBRARY CARD THAT I HAD RE-LAMINATED AND WRAPPED UP SPECIAL FOR YOU. READ AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!! WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU WANT!!

THE KIDS MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY CONFUSED WITH THEIR PRESENTS CHRISTMAS MORNING AS WELL.
WE DECORATED A BUNCH OF OLD SOCKS WITH FACES AND MADE SOME DARN TERRIFIC HAND PUPPETS FOR THEM! (SOME OF THE SOCKS EVEN GOT WASHED AFTER WE USED THEM.)
WE ALSO MADE REALLY CUTE CATERPILLARS OUT OF EGG CARTONS AND PIPE CLEANERS THAT THE KIDS ARE GONNA GO CRAZY FOR.

WE'RE GETTING BACK TO BASICS THIS YEAR.
WE'RE STARTING OVER.
REMEMBER IT'S FAR BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE ANYWAY, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IN TIMES LIKE THESE, BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND BE GLAD THAT YOU'RE NOT HO-HO- HOMELESS.

REMEMBER, I'LL BE WATCHING......

THE ONLY WOMAN TO SAY NO TO TIGER COMES FORTH

2009-12-10T20:27:00.000-08:00

Not every woman that Tiger Woods meets jumps into bed with him. Meet Hortense MacTavish, a woman who simply said "No".
As the list of women who had affairs with married professional golfer Eldrick "Tiger" Woods grows longer by the day, it is refreshing to hear of a woman who was not impressed with one of the richest and most famous men in the world.
Ms. MacTavish, a waitress at a pub in Turnberry, Scotland, was insulted and rather enraged that the golfer would even think he had a chance with her.

"I'm not that easy sweetheart, I told him. He offered me a lot of money to come back to his hotel. I said, 'who the hell do you think you're talkin' too?' I mean really, do women really fall for that crap? I can do so much better than that bloke. What a little baby he was, I don't think he's used to being turned down. He had a break down right at the table for Lord's sake," said MacTavish.

Woods met Ms.MacTavish back in July in between rounds while playing in the British Open and immediately tried to seduce her.

"He ordered a cobb salad with dressing on the side, and before I could ask him if he'd like something to drink he's already puttin' the moves on me like I'm some slutty little tart. The nerve of him! I'm a respectable woman, I don't go for those types of shenanigans. Besides, he's not my type, he reminds me of Bugs Bunny, weak chin and big teeth."

Woods was not used to rejection and went back to have one of the worst rounds of golf he had ever played, and ultimately missed the cut for only the second time in his career. Whether or not these two events are related is pure speculation, but there may be something to the notion that Tiger needs sex before he plays.

"Every golfer on the tour has a routine that he adheres to before playing a round. John Daly eats a triple cheeseburger and washes it down with 3 shots of Jim Beam. Phil Mickelson watches old Marx Brothers movies to loosen up. Sergio Garcia brushes his teeth for an hour, usually until his gums bleed. Every golfer has something, a ritual if you will, that's done before he heads out to the clubhouse.
Tiger's has always been rampant sex with loose women. He doesn't consider it cheating on his wife, but instead, staying faithful to his golf game. It's just his ritual, that's all. We've seen the devastating effects when he doesn't get his groove on. For all fans out there, including myself, let's hope there aren't any more women like Ms. MacTavish who would put their own selfish behavior in front of millions of adoring Tiger fans who are expecting to watch a great round of golf," said an anonymous PGA official, "ladies, please, give it up, for the good of the game."

GPS DEVICE RUINS THE LIFE OF LOCAL SALESMAN

2009-11-30T20:01:00.000-08:00

The addition of a Global Positioning System(GPS) device to one's vehicle is supposed to make driving easier, erasing human error and creating a stress free experience. Hal Evans expected such an experience when he purchased his GPS device two months ago, what he got however was anything but stress free.

"The first few days were a pleasure, an absolute pleasure. I do a lot of driving and not having to fumble with maps and directions was fantastic. The turn by turn directions spoken with a clear professional voice were perfect. Driving was a dream. Unfortunately the good times lasted less than a week. That's when the device slowly started to make my life miserable," proclaimed a dejected Evans.

According to Evans, after a few days of driving the voice started to change, saying things with an edgier, almost angry tone, tinged with sarcasm. Evans thought he was imagining it at first, until the voice blurted out some choice insults regarding his driving skills.

"I was cruising along listening to the radio, singing along to one of my favorite songs, 'Come on Eileen' by Dexy's Midnight Runners, and I missed the turn that I was supposed to make. No big deal, right? Wrong! I guess the device wasn't prepared for someone to disobey its orders and its tone suddenly changed. The volume got louder and it yelled 'Left turn! Left turn! Stupid idiot, you missed the freakin' left turn!' I laughed at first thinking it was a pretty funny built in gimmick, but I quickly realized it wasn't.

Evans's daily road trips became battles of will between the two combatants, as the GPS insulted his personal appearance (usually a pot shot about his thinning hair) or his inability to find or keep a girlfriend.

"I thought I had pretty thick skin when it came to personal insults, but this thing was ruthless and incredibly cruel. I can't even repeat some of the hurtful things it said about me. The final insult was when it got me arrested and I lost my job. That was truly the end of my hellish ordeal with this demonic device."

Evans was arrested in a section of downtown Detroit for soliciting a prostitute and subsequently lost his job as a pharmaceutical salesman. He claims the GPS purposely got him lost in a neighborhood known primarily for illegal drug sales and prostitution. The judge was not amused at Evans's excuse and subsequent blame of his GPS device and made an example of him, giving him six months of probation with a fine of $500, impounding his vehicle, and allowing his name and address to appear in numerous newspapers.

"I told the truth and no one believed me. That thing brought me to the worst possible neighborhood, I had no clue where I was. I pulled over to ask this woman for directions, and she turned out to be an undercover cop posing as a hooker. Before I could even ask her for directions, the GPS started blurting out things like, 'How much for a dirty sanchez?' and 'Get in the car, I want to pay you for sex'. Dirty sanchez? I don't even know what that means. The next thing I knew I was under arrest. What a nightmare. I made the mistake of telling it that I was getting rid of it. It got me first. It laughed at me as I was put in handcuffs. I'll never forget that evil laugh as long as I live." DD

MAN EMBARRASSES FAMILY WITH HIS LAME THANKSGIVING SIDE DISHES

2009-11-26T04:25:00.000-08:00

Walter Haynes will not be asked to bring his side dishes to next year's Thanksgiving feast, or any other gathering for that matter. Haynes, who had never cooked before yesterday, decided to take on the monumental task of providing the accompaniments to this year's turkey at his neighbor's house.

"We extend the invitation to several neighbors every year who have family out of state and would normally spend the day alone. We may have to rethink that plan after this year's debacle," said Dennis McGuire.

Haynes was extremely excited by the invitation and wanted to pitch in and help with the festivities.

"He called Monday and said he really wanted to help and bring something. I suggested some wine or perhaps an apple pie, but he demanded to make all the side dishes. I tried to talk Walter out of it, but he was very adamant about it. I assumed that he had made these dishes before. I found out after sampling them that he had never cooked a dish in his life," said a disgusted Debbie McGuire.

Without a recipe or a plan Haynes went to the supermarket late Wednesday night, wandering up and down the aisles, picking random items and tossing them in his cart.

"I was watching this guy, and I could tell he didn't have a clue," said stockboy Jason "Dutch" Winters, "I figured his wife sent him and he forgot his list, because he was just wandering around for about an hour scratching his head and mumbling to himself. He put back as many items as he picked up. Poor guy, totally clueless."

Haynes destroyed his family's kitchen while creating the three side dishes which were ultimately brought to the McGuire's Thanksgiving dinner. The dishes consisted of: canned and burned brussel sprouts over a layer of unseasoned mashed turnips, a loaf of unsweetened cranberry sprinkled with an unknown cheese, and some sort of pulverized eggplant and uncooked rice dish that may or may not have contained spam.

"The side dishes were a disgrace," said enraged neighbor Vic Tuttle, " I wouldn't feed a pig that slop. Several neighbors got sick. My wife threw up that eggplant mess all over the McGuire's new rug. It was terrible. Terrible. Haynes is a menace! He single handedly ruined Thanksgiving for everyone."

Walter Hayne's wife Gladys and their two daughters, are so embarrassed that they are contemplating moving out of the area.

"We can't show our faces in public after this," sobbed Gladys Haynes, "Walter has embarrassed us yet again. He gets something in that thick skull of his and there's nothing that gets through. We were just recovering from his awful rendition of the National Anthem over the summer at our daughter's softball game when he told everyone he could sing. Now this. The girls and I can't go out in public. I think we'll move in with my parents for awhile and let things cool down."

MOVIE REVIEW OF TWILIGHT: NEW MOON BY DRACULA AND THE WOLFMAN

2009-11-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

DRACULA- Wolfman, let me ask you, has a woman ever been torn between us?

WOLFMAN- Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhh

DRACULA- I don't actually mean physically torn, because you're right Wolfie, that's been done. No, no, my dear hairy friend, I meant in love with both of us at the same time. Do you recall that ever happening?

WOLFMAN- OWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- No, me neither.

WOLFMAN- GGGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- Wait, you're right, there was that rather homely gypsy woman back in the 18th century, although I'm not fully convinced that that was a woman. Abnormally large hands and feet, and I could have sworn I bit into an Adam's apple. Blagh, she tasted worse than she looked. Were there any others?

WOLFMAN- SNNNARRRRRRLLLLLL

DRACULA- No, no that one liked you, I couldn't get past first bite with that one, she did not find me charming in the least.

WOLFMAN- RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH

DRACULA- Kind of you to say, but no, no, I guess I just wasn't her type. She only had eyes for you, that one.

WOLFMAN- HOWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- I'm bringing up "all that old sordid business" as you say because of that movie we just saw, 'New Moon'. I found it extremely unbelievable that's why. Have you ever in all your days seen vampires and werewolves that looked like that?
Do they look realistic to you? Because I couldn't believe what I was watching. I had to supress my laughter because initially I thought it was a comedy.

WOLFMAN- GRRRRRAGGHHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- You did too. Oh good, so it wasn't just me. Whew, I feel better. I was lost halfway through and decided to drain the blood from the teenage girl sitting next to me. Thankfully most of the teenage girls in the theater were shrieking, no one seemed to notice.

WOLFMAN- AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- Well excuse me, I get thirsty during these movies. What do you want from me? You're one to talk, you've been leaving your messes around for centuries.

WOLFMAN- OOOWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- Apology accepted.

WOLFMAN- GGGGGRRRRRROWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL

DRACULA- I agree, these types of movies are not for us. I'm with you Wolfie, I will not waste my time on the them anymore. Hungry? Me too. Let's treat ourselves tonight and split a pair of twins.

WOLFMAN- OWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- Triplets you say. HA HA, you are hungry. Alright old friend after you.

INDONESIAN FAMILIES ANGERED AFTER RECEIVING DONATED SHIRTS DECLARING PHILLIES AS WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS

2009-11-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

Major League Baseball (MLB) and the charity World Vision are in the doghouse with some Indonesian families who suffered through a massive earthquake in September.
MLB donates "unsalable" merchandise from losing teams to the charity World Vision, which distributes it to needy people throughout the world.
The items consist of mostly t-shirts which were pre-printed in the event a certain team won the World Series so that winning team players can wear them immediately after the game.
Thousands of shirts are pre-printed for both teams declaring each the World Series Champion, and are shipped to sporting goods stores for sale the very next morning (sometimes at midnight the night of the win)for the clamoring fans.

"This is common practice in all professional sports and has been going on for decades. Time is of the essence. You can't wait for the series to be over, and then place an order with the name of the winning team, it could take several days. The moment would be over and only die-hard fans would make a purchase. We'd wind up losing money," said MLB representative Gary Dryden," The downside is we have thousands of items which can't be sold, in this case shirts, hats, etc declaring the Phillies as 2009 World Series Champions. Instead of burning these items, we donate them to the needy, putting clothes on their backs, and giving us a pretty sweet tax right off. A win-win for everybody."

The concept seems like a no-brainer, but some of the recipients of these shirts and hats are not as thrilled as one would have imagined.

"Where the f*#% am I going to wear this shirt?" said earthquake survivor Vuthypong Therawat, "I lost my home to an eartquake, but I'm not a complete loser. I know the Yankees won the World Series, not the lame Phillies. Everyone knows. Cole Hamels quit on his team and Ryan Howard couldn't buy a big hit. I'm expected to wear a shirt that says that they are the champs, what kind of jackass do you think I am?"

"I am truly surprised by this reaction. I thought that they would be thrilled to be receiving clothing after their devastating loss. What's printed on the shirts should be the least of their concerns. They are living in squalor right now wondering where their next meal is coming from, and they're annoyed what a FREE shirt has printed on the front! Ingrates! Well, you know what, they're off the list. Indonesia is officially off the list. I'm fed up!" said World Vision executive Martin Keenaghan.

"World Vision can kiss my ass," said Therawat, "Why don't they just give us shirts that say 'HOMELESS LOSERS' on them instead. It's basically the same thing. Keep your crappy t-shirts. It's like 95 degrees here, most of us don't wear shirts anyway. Rebuild my home and give me some Goddamn food. Now that would be helpful." DD

FATHER AND SON'S NIGHT OF BONDING ENDS WITH BOTH ARRESTED

2009-11-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

Central Florida- Lloyd Turnip Jr and his son Lloyd Turnip III decided to try and rekindle their strained relationship by having "a boy's night out". The father and son had been embroiled in a 6 month feud which began innocently enough when Lloyd the third insulted his dad's attempt at homemade tapioca pudding and slowly escalated from there to a hatchet fight in and around the family trailer, culminating with each Turnip bloodied, missing several fingers and toes.

"Them Turnips always been trouble, from the day they was hatched," said neighbor Ned Jupps, "trouble with a capital T. They killed my cats with a slingshot the day they moved in, and that's the best thing I can say about them filthy bastards."

The Turnips have, in recent weeks, slowly decided to end their feud, mostly at the urging of Lloyd Jr's ex-wife, Hattie Potts.

"I need those 2 to stay together and the hell away from me. They are 2 of the dumbest creatures to ever walk this good earth. They belong together. I tricked them by telling each one of them that the other was really sorry and had money for the other. Couple a idiots," said Hattie.

The celebratory night out for the Turnips turned ugly and violent almost immediately and ended with father and son locked up for numerous charges. Some of the charges include: Drunk & Disorderly Conduct, Resisting Arrest, Public Lewdness, Vandalism, Trespassing, Arson, Motor Vehicle Theft, DUI, Prostitution, Glue Sniffing and 15 other charges.

"We was just tryin' to have a good time is all," said Lloyd Jr, "shoot, people like to party in different ways. I sure as shit don't tell you folks how to have a good time, so don't be tellin' me and my boy how to. Us Turnips like to turn it up a notch or two, if you know what I mean."

The Turnip boys are likely to face several years behind bars for their conduct, as numerous small businesses and innocent bystanders try to recover from the damage the father and son caused.

"Well, what's done is done. Excuse the crap outta me for takin' my boy out on the town and tryin' to have a little joy in my life. It ain't easy competin' for a boy's attention with all these damn video games and stuff, but I'm tryin' my best" DD

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

2009-10-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK TO WEIGH IN ON THE WORLD SERIES

CHARLES- Well, Paul, it's time for the Fall Classic.

PAUL- You mean the clothing optional Hot Tub Party at Jim Nabor's house?

CHARLES- Oh, Oh, no.....not that Fall Classic, that's in November. I'm talkin about the World Series.

PAUL- Of Poker?

CHARLES- Baseball, you little fop. We're sports reporters, or did you forget that little piece of information?

PAUL- Whoa, slow down there big fella. Who exactly are you referring to when you say "Little Fop"?

CHARLES- I think you know who? Just zip it and save it for later. Our loyal readers want us to break down the World Series, not have one of our infamous cat fights.

PAUL- You're right Chuck, too much drama, why don't you give us some of that CNR baseball insight.

CHARLES- Now you're acting rationally. Let's talk about America's favorite past time, shall we.

PAUL- You mean sleeping with your neighbors and then blogging about it, changing all the names.

CHARLES- No, America's other favorite past time. Baseball. We have quite a match up in this World Series.

PAUL- Why do they call it the World Series when only teams from America and some pathetic loser from Canada get to play for it.

CHARLES- Because that's how its done. That's how its always been. And that's how it will always be. Listen sister, don't go getting all philosophical on me, just give us your predictions and make it quick. I have a Toga Party at Nathan Lane's condo to go to tonight. I have an elegant satin sheet that will be the hit of the party.

PAUL- Whatever, Chuck. I think the Phillies will repeat as champs. That Ryan Howard is a whole lotta man. Way too much man for the Yankees to handle.

CHARLES- Poor, dear Paul. So naive. So clueless. If you want to talk about a man, a real M-A-N, then the conversation begins and ends with Alex Rodriguez. His full glistening lips, his frosted highlights, his ever so subtle use of rougue and mascara. That my dear Paul is a real man. Your Ryan Howard is a neanderthal compared to A-Rod. Oh, Oh, and boy can he sock that ball.

PAUL- Puh-leeze Chuck, you gush about him as if he were LeBron James.

CHARLES- Blasphemy!! LeBron is in a league all by himself. Let's keep that chocolate God out of this shall we, and stick to the World Series. As you have guessed I am picking the Yankees to sweep them.

PAUL- Is that so? Would you care to make a friendly wager Chuckles?

CHARLES- I don't condone gambling, but what did you have in mind?

PAUL- How about the loser has to give Chuck Norris a bikini wax.

CHARLES- LOSER???

PAUL- Yeah, you're right that is more like the winner's prize.

CHARLES- How about the loser has to clean Rosie O'Donnell's bathroom.

PAUL- Oh dear God!! That is repulsive, but alright, we're on.

CHARLES- OK, let's shake on it.

PAUL- OK, Chuck, you can let go now. You do know that you're supposed to shake HANDS when you say that right?

CHARLES- OH, OH hands have so many germs, I'm not a fan of shaking hands.

PAUL- Alright, stay tuned loyal readers, and may the best man win.

AGAINST FAMILY'S WISHES GARY BUSEY ELOPES WITH MONKEY

2009-10-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

Actor and occasional contributor to this publication, Gary Busey, has once again outraged his family and shocked his three fans. This time he may have gone too far. Busey, whose love of animals goes back to his childhood, has possibly crossed the line of acceptable human behavior.
While guest starring on a show about chimpanzees on The Animal Planet Busey became quite smitten with one of his co-stars Sally the Chimp.
After the taping of the program, Busey hung around the set every day for two weeks, smiling that Busey smile and flirting with the primate. The two became inseperable and exactly one month after their first meeting Busey declared his love to Sally.
"Sally is the only one who gets me. I've never felt like this before. I love her man!" screamed Busey to a confused crowd outside the Animal Planet studio.
Many wonder if this is some bizarre publicity stunt or more likely that the actor has finally gone completely insane.

"Gary has always loved animals. I remember him being quite fond of his pet ferret, letting it sleep under his covers as a little boy. His father and I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time, although I do recall he always woke up without his jammy bottoms. There were a few strange incidents now that I think of it. There was that time at the game farm when he french kissed a pig and tried to drink milk directly from a cow. We just figured he was craving attention from his father who actually couldn't stand him. I guess there was a little more to it than that," said Gary's mom.

(2 year old Gary introducing himself to a pig)

Busey, to the chagrin of his family, has run away with Sally and has vowed to find a society that will accept their relationship and not judge them. Possibly West Virginia.

"I don't think this is a stunt, I truly believe that Gary is deeply in love with Sally. I just hope he realizes something very important before he tries to consumate their relationship," said veterinarian and Animal Planet consultant Dr. Kent Tyner,"Sally is actually a male chimp, but having met Gary a few times, I don't think that will stop him." DD

LIBYAN LEADER MOAMMAR GADHAFI PRACTICES STAND UP ROUTINE AT UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY

2009-09-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

United Nations(NY)- Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi grabbed his manila folder full of material and slowly strolled to the podium,a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye. The self proclaimed "king of kings" adjusted the microphone, straightened out the various wraps adorning his body, and proceeded to speak for 96 continuous minutes in a mystifying stream of consciousness.
He began speaking to a full house and 1 hour 36 minutes later his audience consisted of delegates from French Guyana, The Ivory Coast, Bora Bora and 3 cleaning people.

Most members of the General Assembly gave up 15 minutes into Gaddafi's speech.
Gadhaffi, whose name has a different spelling each time it appears, touched on a wide variety of topics, never quite forming complete rational thoughts.

Here are some excerpts from Mummar Quaddafi's mind-bending speech:

13 minutes: "I want to tell you that I still despise Ronald Reagan. He was a terrible leader and a coward of a man, and yet I find all of his old movies completely charming. I have watched them all, hundreds of times. I am torn between my hatred for this man, and my love of his interplay with Bonzo the monkey. I miss him. In another century, under different circumstances, we would have been best friends. Inseperable buddies. Or we would have brutally killed each other. One way or the other, it would have been glorious. Is anyone hungry?
Can I have a falaffel extra yogurt sauce and a fresca with no ice ...."

39 minutes: "If you were stranded in the desert with a goat, a sheep, and a chicken, which one would you have sex with? Why choose just one! True story. Hey, Hey, Yemen, don't you judge me! I see the look that you just gave Senegal. And you too Botswana, I'm sure you have a skeleton or two in your closet...."

53 minutes: "I have ugly feet look at them. No, don't! Look away, they're hideous! They're so hairy and my toenails are all black and uneven. I'm embarrassed of them, yet I wear sandals constantly. I can't help it, they really go with any style of robe, or several layers of robes, and any type of hat, whether it's a kuffi, turban or what have you. I didn't always feel this way, but I do now.
Wake up are you listening to me? I know most of you have jet lag, but this is very rude...."

74 minutes: "The oceans are the future, we must take to them and start breeding humans with gills so that we can evolve and prosper. There is so much more room in the sea, why can't anyone see this besides me. We have gone as far as we can go on the land. We need to start this tonight. Who's with me?...."

88 minutes: "Is anyone else sick of this Megan Fox yet? She's hot and sexy, no doubt about that, but she's crazier than a shit house rat. What's with all the weird tattoos? Has the world run out of beautiful, sexy women that we need to put her picture on the cover of every magazine? Is it me? Am I alone in this? Can I see a show of hands if you're with me? Helllloooo is this thing on?...."

Quaddafy mercifully ended his rambling speech at 96 minutes, as some speculated that he was going to try and break Fidel Castro's record from the 1960's of over 4 hours.
The Libyan leader enjoyed his time in New York on the big stage so much that he just booked a 3 night stint at Caroline's Comedy Club.
It is unclear how audiences will react to him, but it is safe to say that he'll probably get a better reception than Tom Arnold, and will surely be funnier. DD

KER PLUNK GOES MILTON BRADLEY'S CAREER AS CHICAGO CUBS RIGHTFIELDER

2009-09-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

Chicago- The Cubs have seen enough of controversial baseball player Milton Bradley, and have decided to suspend him for the rest of the season. Bradley, who is playing for his seventh team in ten years, angered Cubs management by lashing out at the fans,calling them racists and complaining that the OPERATION is run like a BATTLESHIP.
Bradley has had some sort of TROUBLE at each stop in his ten year career, leading some analysts to believe that he has ANTS IN THE PANTS.
Anger management classes have not seemed to help calm Bradley down who is not only having problems on the field, but also in THE GAME OF LIFE.
Sources close to the player say his animosity toward the fans stems from his perceived lack of support from them due to his focused and intense quest for PERFECTION. Fans find his angry demeanor off- putting, saying he should be as thrilled as a BARREL OF MONKEYS that he's being paid a lot of money to play the game of baseball. A job most people would kill to have.
As for now the Cubs have seen enough of Bradley's tired act and are undecided if they are going to try and trade him. Several teams with post season aspirations are acting like HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS and are already contacting the Cubs to inquire about his availability and want to gobble up his bat for the playoffs.
Winning seems to be the bottom line with most of these teams, who don't seem worried that Bradley's disruptive force, akin to a 150 mph gale force TWISTER, will rip their clubhouses apart.
Who knows? Maybe the next stop for Milton Bradley, the eighth team in ten years, will prove to be the right fit for this troubled player. SORRY, but I don't think so.
SIMON says not a chance. DD

HEADLINES FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY

2009-09-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

MASSACHUSETTS- THE BODY OF SEN. EDWARD (TED) KENNEDY HAS BEEN PICKLED IN AN EIGHT FOOT CUSTOM MADE BOTTLE OF GORDON'S GIN AS PER HIS LAST WILL & TESTAMENT

CALIFORNIA- GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER CALLS RESIDENTS OF AREA OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DEVASTATED BY WILDFIRES WIMPS, SAYING IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO DAMAGE CAUSED DURING FILMING OF RED HEAT

MINNESOTA- BRETT FAVRE DECIDING TO ENTER POLITICS WHEN HIS FOOTBALL CAREER IS OVER, OR MAYBE NOT

NEW HAMPSHIRE- THE LEGALIZATION OF GAY MARRIAGES IN ADJOINING STATE OF VERMONT HAS NEW HAMPSHIRE REQUESTING "HOMO" SEAT BUFFER BETWEEN THE 2 STATES

NEW YORK- METS PLAYER DAVID WRIGHT RETURNS TO ACTION AFTER 2 WEEKS ON DL WITH CONCUSSION, WEARS SPECIAL SAFETY HELMET DESIGNED BY FRED FLINTSTONE PROTEGE THE GREAT GAZOO

FLORIDA- RAPPER Flo Rida DECIDES TO END LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH PROMISCUOUS EX-GIRLFRIEND AND FELLOW RAPPER, I Da HO

WASHINGTON DC- PRES. OBAMA ANGRY UPON RETURN TO WHITE HOUSE AFTER VACATIONING IN MARTHA'S VINEYARD TO FIND THAT MICHELLE LEFT SEVERAL LIGHTS ON AND THE GIRLS FORGOT TO EMPTY KITCHEN GARBAGE, LEAVING HOUSE INFESTED WITH FRUIT FLIES

PENNSYLVANIA- EAGLES QUARTERBACK DONOVAN MCNABB SUDDENLY REALIZES BEGGING OWNERSHIP TO SIGN MICHAEL VICK NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA, SINCE VICK PLAYS SAME POSITION AND WILL PROBABLY TAKE HIS JOB

INTER-OFFICE MEMO

2009-08-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

FROM GARY COMPTON TO ALL MY OFFICE CO-WORKERS

I said good morning when I saw you didn't I?
Asked how your weekend was.
Feigned interest in your longwinded reply.
Well, guess what? I'm done with you for the day.
Do I have to come up with a new greeting or witty retort for you each and every time we pass each other throughout the day?
I'm done. Hear me?
Done.

I'm done with "Jimbo" and his need to tap me on the back or shoulder every time he passes me on the way to the copy machine or water cooler. I saw you and said hello to you at 9:00. What more do you want from me? I acknowledge you each and every time we pass with a head nod or raised eyebrows, and I think that is going above and beyond. That's all I'm willing to give! I've given you ONE verbal daily greeting and that should be efficient. PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME!

I'm tired of "Gina" and her constant complaints about everything from her husband's chronic halitosis to her neighbor's overgrown hedges.
This just in- I don't care! Nobody Cares!
Are you so self involved that you can't see that I have a queasy look on my face every single time you begin one of your rants. I'm constantly back peddaling and pretending to look over my work when you're bitching about the guy that tried to beat you out for a parking space or how they gave you whole milk instead of low-fat in your latte. You just keep on going, not caring that I'm trying to escape your presence. PLEASE STOP SPEAKING!

I've had it up to here (my hand is touching my forehead) with "Andy" and his constant name dropping and butting into everyone's conversations. Mind your damn business when I'm speaking to someone else! I don't care that you have a boat and that you ate at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant while sitting at a table next to Danny Aiello who laughed at one of your jokes and complimented your taste in wine. Save your breath, no one believes a word you say. You're 37 years old and still live with your parents. We'd all own yachts by now if we didn't have to pay for food or rent. GET A LIFE LOSER!

I'm sick of "Tony" and his double entendres for every word with a vague slang sexual reference. You're kidding with this right? This is a man with three teenage daughters who still is enamored with 5th grade sexual jokes.
You can't use words like 'head','come','blow', etc without him making some sort of vulgar remark as he passes by.
You make all the women uncomfortable and give most of the men the creeps.
(All except "Andy" of course who seems to enjoy it.)
GROW UP YOU SICK LITTLE PERVERT!

Alright, I'm starting to feel a little better. I've been bottling all that up for years and my therapist advised me to confront my anger issues by telling people in my life, in a polite and constructive manner, what's been bothering me.
I hope this exercise allows me to move forward in a positive way and finally get off those nasty anti-depressants.
Thanks to all!
( Next week, I'll discuss my wife and in-laws and some issues I have with those a**holes.)

Beyonce Realizes In Horror That She Is Actually Married To Jay-Z

2009-08-26T20:14:00.001-07:00

Beyonce Knowles is living a fairy tale life. She is beautiful, talented and rich. She enjoys not only successful musical and modeling careers, but also a budding acting career. She travels the world staying in the best hotels and dining at the most posh restaurants. She is one of the elite few who only needs to use her first name. Most would be jealous of a life style such as this. Unless, of course that meant waking up next to Jay-Z.

Beyonce herself cannot believe that she is actually married, much less to Jay-Z.
"I have no idea how this happened," said Beyonce," was I drugged? Am I really Mrs.-Z?"

Beyonce's befuddlement is shared by everyone on the planet earth, except of course for Jay-Z, who refused to be interviewed for this story. (He did however send over two obscenely obese men wearing sunglasses and lots of gold to our downtown offices to advise us to "reconsider" publishing the story. The Daily Drivel does not take kindly to threats, veiled or not, but we will be relocating our offices to an undisclosed address by week's end.)

Beyonce remembers working with Jay-Z, amongst others, on her successful solo debut album "Dangerously in Love" in 2003, but doesn't seem to remember much else since then. Until now.

"I'm confused. I feel like I've been in a trance the last several years. Honestly, the last thing I seem to remember is working on my solo album after I left Destiny's Child. Everything since is kinda hazy. Am I really married to Jay-Z? You mean I'm not married to Derek Jeter or Leonardo Di Caprio? Wow, I need to sit down, I'm feeling kinda dizzy. How did this happen?" said Beyonce.

How indeed no one seems to know for sure. Jay-Z has been seen in the company of a mysterious gentleman numerous times over the years. A gentlemen who has also been seen hanging around with performers like Seal and Billy Joel and several years ago with actor Billy Bob Thornton.

The identity of this mystery man is unknown but he is assumed to be some sort of svengali, hypnotizing beautiful women to date, and in some cases, even marry less than desirable men. Speculation abounds as to whether or not this male witch may have conjured up a spell on the unwitting diva, and how she suddenly snapped out of the trance.

"Heidi Klum has the same sort of look on her face that I did for several years. You can see it in her eyes, they're sort of glazed over, especially when she's next to Seal. I know that look. I've had that look," said Beyonce as she poured over several photographs, "here, look at this one of Angelina Jolie from 2000 when she married Billy Bob Thornton and this old one from 1985 of Christie Brinkley when she was married to Billy Joel. Same glassy look!"

Authorities have been alerted to apprehend and question the mystery man as to his involvement with Jay-Z, Seal and numerous other less than handsome celebrities with beautiful wives. The elusive svengali seems to have remained in the shadows for several decades and capturing him may prove to be an impossible task.
One thing we know for sure is that Jay-Z will not be revealing the man's identity or his existence for that matter.

Beyonce, for now, will continue to go about her daily business as Mrs.-Z but she, like the rest of us, would like some answers.

"I think it's time for me to go on a world tour. A year, maybe even two, until this whole thing can be sorted out. Hey, Angelina woke up and is now married to Brad Pitt, so there's hope for women like us." DD

Wrestling Family Challenges All Comers

2009-08-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

Flagstaff, Az- The Drucker family is tired of being pushed around, and dag-nabbit, they're not going to take it anymore.

After years of abuse by relatives, neighbors, and even passers-by, Stew Drucker and his wife, Arlene decided enough was enough. They have taken wrestling classes from famed retired wrestler Mil Mascaras, and are using they're newly acquired skills to gain a modicum of revenge over their former tormentors.

"I've had my ass handed to me my entire life. I was used to getting slapped around by the other kids in the chess club and the marching band when I was in high school. Even as a grown man it was common place for me to get punched out at the supermarket or the dry cleaner. That was my life and I accepted my fate," said Stew Drucker.

Drucker's milque-toast attitude and victim persona even transferred itself to his wife Arlene who, seemingly immediately after saying 'I do', has been routinely beaten over the years. Not by Stew, of course, but by virtually everyone else that she comes in contact with.

"I don't understand it," said Arlene Drucker, "my whole life no one ever laid a hand on me, and then at my wedding reception I was pummeled and repeatedly kicked in the stomach by the maitre'd. It hasn't stopped since. I have no explanation for it."

The Druckers finally decided to do something about it when their son, Crandall, was coming home battered and bruised on a daily basis from kindergarten. That's when they contacted Mr. Mascaras.

"I've never seen a more pathetic family in all my days," said Mascaras," as soon as I met them I had this strange desire to start hitting them. Luckily, I fought back the urge, because I would've killed them, even at 65, I'm still a hell of a fighter."

After months of extensive training, the Druckers are now a force to be reckoned with. They've learned several of Mil Mascaras's signature moves like the 'double chop', the 'monkey flip' and the 'flying surfboard' and are not afraid to use them.

"The other morning the garbage man got in my face and started screaming at me for for putting some grass clippings in with the regular garbage. Normally, I would have been tossed to the floor and had my crotch jumped on by a man like this, but I used a move Mr. Mascaras taught me called a 'Mongolian chop' and needless to say, I don't think the contents of my garbage bucket will be questioned from now on," said Stew Drucker.

The Druckers are so enamored with wrestling and being able to defend themselves that they've begun wearing wrestling masks everywhere they go. This is a tribute to Mil Mascaras, whose name translates to "a thousand masks", and still wears a mask to this day to hide his identity.

"I appreciate how they honor me and my accomplishments by wearing the masks, but I fear I have created a family that is now out of control. They are fighting with people all the time now, they are even starting to beat me. They've become masters at double-teaming an opponent and their young son gives the final crippling blow, usually gouging the eyes or twisting the testicles. I can't control them any longer," said Mascaras with a quivering voice, "I'm sorry. I feel like Dr. Frankenstein." DD

Man Takes Advice From Design On Bathroom Tile Resembling Late Actor Peter Ustinov

2009-08-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

Baltimore, MD- Bernard Avery, a 32 year old freelance writer of crossword puzzles, claims to have received expert advice on numerous matters from an unlikely source. He has made successful investments, avoided a potentially serious medical condition, and learned to speak fluent Russian, all with the help of a squiggly design on his bathroom tile. A design he claims speaks to him and resembles late actor Peter Ustinov.
Avery spends more time in his bathroom than any other room in his apartment, due to an addiction to flossing and a terrible case of irritable bowel syndrome. While the average person spends 25 minutes a day in their home bathroom, Avery tends to spend 7 ½ hours a day in his.
"I was sitting on the throne, like usual, reading the latest copy of O magazine, when this strange pattern on the floor tile caught my eye," said Avery.
"The shape looked oddly familiar, I couldn’t place it right away, but then I realized that it looked like actor Peter Ustinov. The Peter Ustinov from the movie Spartacus, with the curly hair and messy beard. I had been living in the apartment for 2 months and hadn’t noticed it before, but once I found it I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It’s not a dirt smudge or anything, it’s an actual pattern on the tile. I found myself alone late at night in the bathroom talking to the tile, asking it questions like, ’what type of wine do you drink with spaghetti squash?’ and ‘which emerging markets should I invest in?’ I was surprised that I was talking out loud to a spot on the floor tile, but I was even more surprised when the spot answered back."
Avery has developed a unique rapport with the tile, often times finishing each other’s sentences.
"I feel like I’ve known him forever, I can’t believe its been less than 6 months. You wouldn’t think so, but we have a lot in common. We share a love of Russian authors, South American wine and chamber music. He’s quite knowledgeable on a variety of subjects which has really helped my crossword puzzles," said Avery.
The bathroom tile Peter Ustinov has turned out to be very much like his human predecessor, holding court for hours on end on a variety of subjects. Avery is learning many things, but his social life and circulation are suffering from the nearly 1/3 of a day he spends in his bathroom, mostly sitting on the toilet.

"Admittedly, I don’t go out as often as I should. I barely went out before, but now it is rare for me to leave the bathroom, much less the apartment. Even when I’m in the kitchen, I yell things toward the bathroom to keep the conversation going. His voice doesn’t really carry past the bathroom door, so I miss a lot when I’m out of the room. I usually pretend that I hear him, because he doesn’t like to be ignored. I learned that lesson early on, he can become very irate."
The unusual companions, for the most part, seem to enjoy their time together. Avery eats all of his meals in the bathroom, and several times has slept right on the bathroom floor, falling asleep to one of Ustinov’s long winded tales, usually involving Tony Curtis, and what a jack-ass he was.
"He has not only enriched my life, but he actually saved my life once. One day when I was shaving, he said that my prostate looked enlarged from his vantage point. On his recommendation I went to a doctor, and guess what, he was right. The doctor was amazed, we caught it so early that it was almost a non issue. I owe Ustinov a debt of gratitude for probably saving my life. I never would have gone to the doctor on my own. He can be quite persuasive you know."
As for now, Bernard Avery is quite content to keep things the way they are, but there is talk that his rent stabilized apartment building may be torn down to make room for expensive professional condominiums.
"I guess I’ll worry about that when and if it happens. If it does, I will of course, very carefully, chip the tile out and take him with me. He won’t be happy to leave, he loves it here, but I couldn’t imagine my life without that darn tile at this point. As sad as this sounds, it’s my only friend." DD

Pluto: Once Proud Planet, Now Insecure Dwarf

2009-07-26T04:40:00.000-07:00

The former Ninth planet in the solar system, Pluto, is a shell of its former self. After being demoted to dwarf planet status in 2006 by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), Pluto has been in a downward spiral, refusing to gain mass and, in fact, losing some of its icy composition.

"Pluto is in bad shape," said astronomer Dr. Basil Fisher," We are quite worried that the feelings of insecurity and embarrassment after being demoted have led this once proud planet to act recklessly."

Pluto's orbit since its demotion in 2006 to dwarf planet has been chaotic and in some cases downright dangerous, nearly resulting in a collision with the Planet Neptune on several occasions.

"Pluto is a rogue spherical mass these days, operating by its own set of rules. Its stabilty is in question as of late. The orbits of Neptune and Pluto have remained unchanged for millions of years, with the possibility of a collision as virtually non existent. Until 2006. That's when everything changed. Pluto's behavior has become erratic, jeopordizing not only itself and Neptune, but in one instance almost penetrating the gaseous orbit of Uranus. That is totally uncalled for," said NASA scientist Sebastian Musso, "I understand Pluto is going through a very difficult and depressing time, but you don't behave like that."

The members of the IAU who made the decision to demote Pluto based their vote on three requirements for which an object may be classified as a planet:

1-It needs to be in orbit around the Sun. Check.
2-It needs to have enough gravity to pull itself into a spherical shape. Check.
3-It needs to have "cleared the neighborhood" of its orbit. Uh Oh.

According to this, Pluto is not a planet.
What does "cleared its neighborhood" mean?

As planets form, they become the dominant gravitational body in their orbit in the Solar System. As they interact with other, smaller objects, they either consume them, or sling them away with their gravity. Pluto is only 0.07 times the mass of the other objects in its orbit. The Earth, in comparison, has 1.7 million times the mass of the other objects in its orbit.

Thus, Pluto has lost membership in that very exclusive club, "Planets of the Solar System."

The controversial decision to reclassify Pluto has polarized not only the scientific community, but the general public.

"I don't blame Pluto for acting out. He's pissed off man. How do you think you'd feel if one day a creepy group of distant cousins said that you didn't belong in the family and everyone listened and kicked you out? Man, that would really suck! And all for what? Because you weren't big enough? Isn't that some shit! No wonder Pluto is harboring the solar system's biggest Napoleon Complex," said Tom "Rusty" White, amateur astronomer and angry citizen.

Some people are so upset with IAU's decision to demote Pluto that they have been protesting all around the globe in various cities since the 2006 ruling. The latest was in front of Tully's Coffee House in Seattle, Washington, where any angry mob gathered to show support for Pluto.

"Dwarf planet? Dwarf? Am I understanding that correctly? That's the term these genius's came up with? How God damned insensitive can these morons be? Dwarf? Really? In this day and age to label someone that way just blows my mind! Pluto will always be a planet to me as far as I'm concerned. It will always remain the last and most beloved planet in the mock Solar System model that I made out of styrofoam that hangs over my bed. Viva Pluto!" screamed outraged protester Pamela Costidis.

The debate rages on, and scientists and astronomers are monitoring Pluto's orbit very carefully. They may decide to re-classify Pluto and upgrade it back to planet status, but they don't want to rush to any decisions just yet.

"We're weighing our options and taking our time with this one," said Rutger Schtooper, member of the IAU, "it is a huge decision that could cause a ripple effect throughout the galaxy. If we let Pluto back in, then we might be opening the door for other smaller objects like Eris and Ceres to demand planet status. The list is infinite. We have to be very careful who we let into this exclusive club. Even amusement parks have height restrictions to prevent access for smaller riders who might get hurt. I ask you, what bigger ride is there than the Solar System?" DD

MOTHER OF 3 LOSES ALL TRACES OF HER IDENTITY

2009-07-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

Salinas, Ca- A mother of 3 can no longer remember her own name after years of being described as "Sarah's mom", "Kayla's mom", and now finally, "Ryan's mom".

"I haven't gone by my own name for so long that sometimes I forget that my name is, my name is, oh shoot, there it goes again, I can't seem to remember it. God I hate when that happens. Give me a few minutes, I'm sure it will come to me," said the confused woman.

A search at the Bureau of Records reveals that the mother of 3 was born Sept. 18th, 1968 and was given the name Margaret Gallagher.

According to the Spring Valley High School yearbook for the year 1986, Margaret Gallagher also went by the nickname Peg or Peggy, and was also called "Sugar Britches" (for reasons I don't think we want to know) by her first boyfriend, Daniel Leto.

Margaret Gallagher became Margaret Keenan on May 15th, 1995, when she married Kevin Keenan, according to a marriage certificate filed at Town Hall.

"I was introduced to her as 'Kevin's wife'," said friend and neighbor Frank Guma," I never thought to ask her what her first name was. I usually just say 'morning neighbor' and go about my business. They've been living next door for about 8 years and only now did it occur to me that I don't even know her name."

This loss of identity seems to be getting worse with each child she has, and with each new acquaintance she makes, especially through her children's advanced social networks.

She is mostly known as 'Sarah's mom' to the other parents and players of her oldest daughter's soccer team, or "Ryan's mom" at the Mommy & Me Classes at the local library.

There was a time, however, when Margaret "Peggy" Gallagher had her own identity.

"You may not believe it to look at me now, but back in college I had a lot going on. Co-captain of the Debate Team, 4 year member of a local Theater Group, instructor of yoga classes. I was very well known and quite popular with the men, especially the Fencing and Rugby teams.

They all knew my name back then, that's for damn sure. They all wanted to date, oh, hell, what is it again? Oh yes, Peggy, that's it. They all wanted to date Peggy, and guess what, most of them did. I taught those fencing boys the true meaning of the terms "thrust and parry", if you get my drift. I had an identity then. And a bit of a reputation too, but that's neither here nor there."

As our interview with Margaret ended she brought me with her to drop off her miniature dachsund at the animal obedience school and the woman behind the counter smiled and said, "Oh, you must be Bowzer's owner."

Margaret looked at me, sighed and shrugged.

I bet at least a few members of the Rugby team still remember the name Peggy Gallagher.

THE UNSINKABLE B M: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

2009-06-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well they got me. What can I say?

If I told you I had a good reason for doing what I did would you understand?

If I told you I did what I did for love, would that humanize me in your minds?

Well, it's true. I'm a victim too you know. That's the power of love.

As I sit here contemplating my future over the next 150 years, I think of Ruth.

This song I write for her:

Hey there Bubbeleh

What's it like in New York City?

Our penthouse seems a thousand miles away

But Ruth, tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Interrogation spotlights can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

_____________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

Don't worry about the investors

We have that account down in the Caymans

In the name of my cousin Lester

Don't touch it yet

It'll help get us out of debt

Gabeesh, my little pet?

____________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

What you do to me

__________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

I robbed from Peter and from Paul

The stupid schmucks I fooled them all

Ruthie dear, I had no other way

I stole a little, then a lot

Now I'm sleeping on a cot

My back will never, ever be the same

And you're to blame, yes, you're to blame

_______________________________________

150 years seems pretty long

They tell me I did something wrong

They're all just jealous of my acquired wealth

We had homes and boats and cars

But now I sit here behind bars

My reputation will never, ever be the same

Oh, what a shame, my good name

_______________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

______________________________________

I've got so much left to say

But these guards are taking my pen away

Those filthy, rotten, no-good schmucks

I wish I had a couple of bucks

I'd bribe them all to look the other way

But I can't pay

I can't pay

_______________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

You be good and don't you miss me

150 more years and I'll be out of jail

And I'll be making history like I do

You know it's all because of you

We did whatever we wanted to

Hey there Bubbeleh here's to you

This one's for you

____________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

What you do to me

Madoff signing out.

(149 years, 351 days and counting. Ruthie dear, please wait for your Bernie Bear).

WORLD'S FIRST HONEST AUTO MECHANIC DISCOVERED

2009-06-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Worthington, Oh- In what some scientists are describing as a ground breaking discovery, an automobile mechanic who doesn't overcharge unsuspecting motorists for unnecessary "repairs" was actually found alive and working in an Ohio suburb.

"I am truly speechless," said Dr. Laszlo Ferrar, "I had almost given up hope that one actually existed. I've spent the better part of 20 years searching for this elusive creature. There were rumors about possible sightings, but it always ended the same way, in utter disappointment, a 'new' timing belt and a bill for $600. Until now."

Bill James, the world's first honest mechanic, has been repairing automobiles for the residents of Worthington, Ohio, a small suburb of Columbus, for the past 40 years.

James, 58, whose motto, "An honest day's work for an honest day's pay" is unprecedented in the auto repair industry.

This discovery, once unheard of, has now changed the heart and mindset of even the most jaded consumers.

"I brought my '99 Ford Tempo in for an oil change, and do you know what I got? An oil change. An actual oil change. I couldn't believe it!" exclaimed Debbie Casali,"usually when I bring my car to a shop for an oil change I get a bill for a fuel pump and brake pads. I am shocked, I thought there must be something wrong with this man or maybe he was just mentally challenged and couldn't add. He gave me a bill for $21. I stood there dumbfounded, he had to help me to a chair so that I could sit down, I felt a little dizzy by the whole experience."

It is a mystery how a discovery like this has eluded scientists, consumer advocists, and the media for four decades. Some experts are equating this to capturing a unicorn or swimming with a mermaid. A myth, a fantasy, which was written off long ago as the musings of dreamers who were not grounded in reality.

"My colleagues scoffed at my research and told me I had a better chance of capturing the Loch Ness Monster. I've left them all slaw-jacked with this discovery of Mr. James. He may actually earn me a shot at a Nobel Prize," said Dr.Ferrar.

As with any discovery of this magnitude the speculation of a hoax is bandied about. Many in the auto repair industry claim Bill James is a fraud, most notably other repair shops located in and around Worthington.

"Impossible," said Cletus Mayhew of the Firestone Complete Auto Care Center on N. High Street, "James ain't no real mechanic. Can't be. There's no way he charges those prices and runs an auto repair shop. No way! We got lots of overhead to pay for, we can't have you come in here for just an oil change, it's impossible! We need to charge at least $300 on every job or we might as well close our doors. That's the way it is. Every mechanic worth his salt knows that. I'll say it again, James ain't no real mechanic! Remember where you heard that, Ol' Cletus Mayhew over here at Firestone on N. High Street.
And when you come to your senses, bring your car on over, we're runnin' a free diagnostic test this week on all makes and models, but bring your checkbook, just in case we find somethin' wrong." DD

Opinion

2009-06-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Kevin Nelson and I really need your help. I have a job interview on Monday and I was wondering if you think this jacket is a little too retro for me?
I have a fairly impressive resume, but it's the face to face interview that really makes or breaks you.
I don't want to look, well you know, ridiculous. Sometimes a potential employer will size you up before you even open your mouth, and I don't want to lose out because of bad fashion sense.
I think the jacket works, especially with the tie, but hey, you never know, I could be totally off base here.
I do have a dark tweed sports coat with the patches on the elbows, you know real sophisticated, but I've worn that one so many times already that it's getting kind of boring.
How about the shirt? Do you think a little splash of color might be more pleasing to the eye? Maybe mauve or even, let's say, peach?
Something that says, 'Hey mister future employer, Kevin Nelson is a complete professional, but you know what, he has a playful side too. You'd better snatch this guy up before some other mega corporation beats you to it.'
I'm just not sure, but I do want to make a great first impression. When I step into the office I want them to say to themselves,' That's him! That's the man we've been looking for to fill this position.'
I think this look works for me, but I'd like your feedback. You'd never know it to look at me, but sometimes I tend to obsess on things, and take things a little too far. I'd hate to make a bad choice and make a fool of myself.
Thanks a lot, I could really use your input, it would mean the world to me.
Your friend, and hopefully soon to be employed, Kevin Nelson.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

2009-06-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

NEW VARIETY SHOW 'NOSFERATU & FRIENDS' CANCELED AFTER ONLY TWO EPISODES

Ill fated variety show 'Nosferatu & Friends' was quickly canceled by fledgling network CW today due to controversy. The show, which centered around ancient ghoulish vampire Nosferatu, was flawed from its inception.

Trying to capitalize on the pop culture fascination with vampires, a few aggressive network executives thought it would be a good idea to build a variety show around one of the oldest vampires in Hollywood.

"They try to do things on the cheap over there at that network. We've seen some bad ideas thrown together with very limited budgets before from them, but this was an all time low. Nosferatu is not a very well known vampire, especially to the target audience of 18-34 that they were gearing it toward. He is also notoriously unpredictable to deal with, that's why no one in the business has worked with him in over 70 years. This is one idea that literally came back to bite them," said Melissa Marconi, executive producer for ABC.

The episodes of the show which aired the past two consecutive Saturdays at 8, were a disaster from the opening scene. Apparently Nosferatu only groans and hisses and makes other inarticulate sounds, and yet they had him attempting to sing a duet with former 'American Idol' contestant William Hung.
Their bizarre rendition of "I'm too sexy" was assumed to be a joke, but came off as creepy. Nosferatu, with unblinking eyes wide open, just stared and groaned at Hung, and slowly inched closer and closer to him as the song progressed, culminating with his claw-like fingers around Hung's throat. The show then quickly cut to commercial never finishing the song. Hung was not seen again on the show after the commercial break, or anywhere else for that matter.

"It was the worst experience of my life," said a production assistant on the show who refused to reveal her name for safety reasons. "They had dance numbers and sketch comedy routines planned, but Nosferatu would not cooperate. In one sketch he was supposed to be a sheriff who comes busting through the door of an old saloon to save a damsel in distress but instead he attacked the woman himself. It was horrible, it took seven stage crew members to pull him off her. I still have nightmares about that."

Another production problem ocurred when the editors realized that Nosferatu only appears in black and white, and all attempts to colorize his performances were unsuccessful, creating a strange and unsettling visual image.
Each episode was supposed to end with the whole cast onstage singing a group song, but no one wanted to get within 10 feet of the menacing vampire.

"I hope he never works in this town again," said co-star Bruce Brickmeier, a veteran actor and singer who has appeared in countless Broadway musicals, "I've never worked with someone so unprofessional in all my years in show business. He couldn't sing, he couldn't dance, he couldn't act, he was useless. It was like working with Tom Arnold all over again."

Nosferatu's career in show business seems to have come to an abrupt end, and he will probably slink back into the shadows where he has been hiding for three quarters of a century. Unless, of course, he turns his attention to producing, where various ghouls, like Harvey Weinstein, have had quite successful careers.
Only Nosferatu knows for sure what his plans are, and as usual, he's not talking.
DD

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

2009-06-02T20:06:00.001-07:00

YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS HAVE DECIDED TO COME OUT........................
WITH THEIR PREDICTIONS FOR THE NBA FINALS......

Paul- Hello faithful readers, Charles and I have been on an extended vacation, but we flew back just in time to cover the NBA Finals.

Charles- Oh Oh, I'm so glad to be back on American soil. I kissed the ground the minute I stepped off that lousy plane.

Paul- That was a little more than ground that you were kissing there big fella. You know it's customary to give a monetary tip to a man who carries your luggage, I think you went a little overboard there Casanova.

Charles- I didn't have anything smaller than a five, don'tcha know, oh,oh. Besides, money is quickly spent, I gave that man a memory he won't ever forget.

Paul- Yeah, and he'll have the doctor's bills to prove it.

Charles- Meeoww, can I get a saucer of milk for my friend over here. Must you be so vile with your salty little comments?

Paul- Alright, alright, take it easy there Chuck, I'm just pullin' your chain.

Charles- Too late!! Har Har, Oh, Oh.

Paul- Let's get to some basketball, shall we?

Charles- Of course, we are sports reporters after all. I'll tell you Paul, I'm so excited, I can't wait to watch LeBron James in action, that ebony prince is pure poetry in motion. I could watch his moves for hours upon hours, in slow motion, with the lights turned off and surrounded by hundreds of candles.

Paul- Sorry there big fella, but the Cavs lost to the Magic in the last round while you were traipsing all over Paris. Your ebony prince will be watching the Finals from home, same as us.

(cricket, cricket)

Paul- Hello there big fella, did you hear what I just said ?

Charles- Yes. I heard.

Paul- That's it? That's your response? Yes, I heard. Don't be such a drama queen now Chuck, our fans are eagerly awaiting our predictions you know.

Charles- I don't have any predictions.

Paul- Stop! I refuse to continue this article unless you snap out of your prissy little funk.

Charles- Fine.

Paul- Ok then, we have the Los Angeles Lakers with Kobe Bryant against the Orlando Magic with Dwight Howard. You're gonna like this Chuck. Do you know what Kobe's nickname is?

Charles- Unconvicted Rapist?

Paul- Now, we're getting close to some of that acidic Charles Nelson Reilly wit that we know and love.

Charles- Oh, oh, you're right Paul, I am feeling better, please forgive me. All it takes is one snide comment to make me feel better. Besides, LeBron is young, very young, dontcha know, he's barely legal, which is one of my favorite things about him. We still have all his commercials to look forward to, oh, oh.

Paul- What's your prediction for the series there Chuckles?

Charles- Well, if I must, I'll have to pick Orlando in eight.

Paul- Orlando in eight?

Charles- That's right. What's wrong with that?

Paul- You do realize that I'm talking about the city in Florida and not Tony Orlando, right Chuck?

Charles- If I thought you were referring to Tony Orlando I would have said 5 1/2, dontcha know.

Paul- So you're sticking with Orlando in eight?

Charles- Correct.

Paul- How can you make such a ridiculous prediction and expect our readers to take us seriously?

Charles- Don't you take a condescending tone with me sister or I'll walk out of here just like I did on Match Game, when Brett Sommers farted the National Anthem during a taping.

Paul- Oh, please, enough with the Brett Sommers story, I've heard it a million times. Try sitting in the center square next to Wayland Flowers and Madame. He was doing things with that puppet that would have offended the Marquis de Sade.
So save your Brett Sommers stories for someone else.

Charles- Oh, Oh, I'm the last person you want to get into a pissing contest with, as proven by our night in that Hamburg hotel room, so just give us your prediction already.

Paul- Lakers in three, alright there big fella. That's more of a realistic pick, and one that our readers have come to expect from us.

Charles- Whatever. My heart's not in it this year anyway. There's always next year LeBron.

Paul- Anyway, the game will be on any minute and I must get into my game time kimono. I hope you enjoy watching those large, sweaty men bang into each other as much as we do, and we'll talk to you before the next ball drops.

Movie Review of "STAR TREK" by Bill S. Hatner

2009-05-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

To boldly go where no man has gone before. To BOLDLY go where no man has gone before? That phrase meant something once upon a time. Well, I have news for you, a man has been there before. A talented man. A man who can easily make the transition from drama to action to comedy and back again. A man who not only acts, but is a successful businessman, pitchman and philanthropist.

A renaissance man who is just as comfortable on the stage as he is on the back of a horse. A man who can make love to a woman while quoting Shakespeare as he watches the fourth quarter of the game. Now that is a bold man.

That man as you may have guessed is Mr. William Shatner.

I've never met the man, but I hear he is remarkable.

Once upon a time that man, a virile man, a man's man, helmed the Starship Enterprise, not a 90210 wannabe, whose eyelashes are longer than his resume and who looks like he'd be more comfortable in a salon chair instead of a captain's chair.

This is James Tiberius Kirk? I think not!

William Shatner, who has over 50 years acting experience and is the universal face of Star Trek, was snubbed by the director of this remake or pre-quel or whatever they're calling this farce.

They wanted to go in a new direction. Jump start the franchise. Go to the beginning, or so I hear. Funny, Nimoy's phone was ringing but not Shatner's.

Like I said, I've never met the man, but I'm sure his feelings were hurt. Of course they were. He is human after all, even if he appears, shall we say, more than human.

It's not like he doesn't have anything else to do you know. He is an extremely busy and sought after singular talent, who is constantly turning down work, or so I hear.

The way I look at it, it's the director's loss.

As far as the movie goes, I couldn't sit through it. I kept getting a nagging feeling that something was missing, something important.

I think we all know what that is.

J J Abrams, William Shatner's number is unlisted, but I think you might want to try getting in touch with him before you start filming the sequel.

He'll be expecting your call, along with an apology. Just don't call before ten, he likes to sleep late, or so I'm told.

Public Service Announcement: By V P Joe Biden

2009-05-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

Hello there my fellow Americans, Vice President Joe Biden here.
Today is May 5th, a perfect day to further express my views that were first espoused on the Today Show with Matt Lauer.
May 5th, or as our neighbors to the south say it, cinco de mayo, is a fitting day to discuss the terrible disease these generous neighbors have presented us with, Swine Flu.
When Matt Lauer asked me if I would tell members of my family not to use commercial airlines, I answered honestly, something I thought the American public would appreciate.
Apparently not. I guess you want me to tip toe around the issue, but I'm not going to do it.
As a matter of fact I'm going to let you all know how I really feel, public opinion polls be damned.
Stay away from all closed "container like" forms of transportation. Airplanes, subways, anything of that nature as I previously mentioned. I wouldn't even get in my own car at this point.
Do not use ATM vestibules, you might as well pick out your coffin now if you go into one of those death traps.
Keep out of anyplace that sells Mexican food or any place, for that matter, where Mexicans might congregate. Good luck to you poor bastards in states that border Mexico. Its been nice knowing you.
Avoid anyone with a Spanish accent, they could be Mexican. Better yet avoid anyone with any form of accent that doesn't sound American. If you don't you'll be bleeding from every orifice on your body within hours. Trust me, I've seen it.
Lock yourselves in your homes, secure the premises, barricade the doors and windows, load your firearms. If anyone attempts to enter your premises, give them a warning shot and then start firing!
Now, listen, it is not my intention to cause a wide spread panic, I'm just trying to look out for my own, of which I consider all Americans. I want us all to be safe and healthy.
That being said I'm warning anyone who coughs or sneezes within 10 feet of me I will be carrying a sidearm, and I'm a damn good shot.
Final words: Avoid everyone and everything and you might manage to stay alive.
Be safe. Be smart. Be careful.
Good Luck and God Speed!!

New Met Gary Sheffield Has Altercation With Carlos Beltran's Mole

2009-04-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Trouble seems to follow major league baseball player Gary Sheffield around like a dark cloud. The 40 year old slugger, who has played for numerous teams in his long career, has yet another altercation to add to a growing list.
Sheffield, who claims to be very happy as a role player for the New York Mets, said this latest incident is not his fault.
"Listen, I may have had my share of troubles in this league over the years, but in this case I am totally innocent. I let a lot of things roll off my back, especially now that I'm 40, but some things I just can't let slide. I'm a bona fide Hall of Famer, I'm not gonna let some birth mark tell me how to swing the bat and play the outfield. I refuse to be bullied and badgered by a mole on someone's face, no matter how big and ugly it is," said Sheffield.
The problem seems to have started almost immediately upon the arrival of Sheffield to the team. The mole, which is next to Beltran's right ear, seemed to take an instant dislike to the veteran slugger.
"I did nothing wrong, except maybe I stared at it a little too often. I guess I've never seen one that big up close before. Maybe it took offense to my staring and dry heaving. I don't know. This thing hated me from the moment I arrived in the clubhouse. It caused me to miss a routine fly ball in left field the other night, and then made fun of me later for it. That's bush league right there! I won't tolerate that!"
Beltran seems to be unaware of the growing animosity between his mole and Sheffield, and when questioned just smiled and said that it has nothing to do with him and he chooses to stay out of the fray.
Asked why no one else has had any problems with Beltran or his mole before, Sheffield shrugged and cited possible racism.
"Let's get one thing understood, I love Carlos Beltran. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. I have no problem with him whatsoever. But that mole is pure evil man, I'm telling you. It calls itself 'El Capitan' and controls Carlos's actions without him even knowing it. Why do you think he didn't swing at that pitch in game 7 against the Cardinals in the 2006 NLCS? Why do you think he doesn't slide lately? It's that damn 'El Capitan'!"
Sheffield seems to be deeply angered by the mole and there is growing concern on the team that something physical is bound to happen between the two.
"I'm happy here. My time in the league is short, and I want to end it with the Mets, but if that nasty mother keeps messin' with me, I'll bite that raisinette lookin' sucker right off and spit it in the toilet." DD

THEATER REVIEW

2009-03-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

By The BROTHERS BARRYMORE

Our love of fine theater is well documented. My brother Lionel and I search high and low for talented thespians honing their skills on Shakespeare, Chekhov, Tennessee Williams and the like. Theater is in our blood, and that blood, as you surely are aware, flows blue.

Our travels this week bring us, unfortunately, to Hiawatha Elementary School's 4th grade production of "Stone Soup."

Let us begin with the best part of the play, it was, thankfully, one performance only.

A more hideous display I cannot recall. The abysmal costumes and deplorable set designs looked as if they were all home-made.

Could this possibly be true in this day and age?

This dreadful production performed by a group of untalented and immature actors was akin to eating rancid leftovers from a truckstop dumpster.

The performance took place in the school's cafeteria.

Yes, you read that correctly, the school's cafeteria, under flourescent lights no less.

The audience was forced to sit on cold, hard metal folding chairs, which were haphazardly strewn around the room. What an unprofessional way to treat a paying audience!

Well, my brother is being exceedingly kind in his assessment of this performance. My review can be summed up in one word. C-R-A-P.

I can't remember spending a worse evening in all my life.

"Stone Soup"? What a ridiculous name for a play! I thought this was going to be one of those avant-garde Sam Shepard plays. Boy was I mistaken. This slop sounded like it had been written by a mentally challenged ten year old. Stone Soup indeed.

The male lead actor, let me read my amateurish program here, one Zach Bergstein, couldn't stop sniffling and wiping his nose on his sleeve. I was enraged! I was ready to drag him off stage by his hair and scrape that running nose on the sidewalk outside.

The entire cast was awful. Unprepared. Unconvincing.

The audience was full of moronic turds, clapping and whistling incessantly. One beastly woman sitting next to me stood up and clapped each time one particular little boy appeared on stage. She would then plop into her chair, her massive thighs banging into me, and would turn to me and say, "That's my Brandon." This went on a few times until I could take no more. I took my cane with the brass handle and rapped her twice over the head, drawing blood and knocking her unconscious. I have my limits you know.

My brother tends to get a bit dramatic at times, which is completely understandable in a family such as ours. I've had to pay off numerous theater goers over the years from calling the authorities on Lionel, especially when he gets overly physical.

I folded up a fifty and placed it in the woman's coat pocket and wrapped my pocket handkerchief over her head wound, it was dark, no one noticed.

Please don't make excuses for me, dear brother, I am fully responsible for my own behavior. Let's get through this damn review already so I can drink my double scotch.

This shabby production proceeded without an intermission.

WITHOUT AN INTERMISSION!!

Unheard of! Classless pigs!

When the lights finally turned back on (thankfully right after I retrieved the fifty my foolhardy brother placed in that sow's coat pocket) the theater erupted in applause, as everyone, save John and I, stood up and cheered. Cheers? Applause? If I had access to rotten fruit I would have hurled it at these talentless hacks!

In the back of the room was a table full of aluminum tins, containing what looked like home-made cookies, brownies, and powdered sugar coated bundt cakes. These putrid little actors bounded off stage and made a bee line right for these unsavory "treats".

John and I couldn't get out of that building fast enough.

Lionel and I disagree on a great many things: how long to make love to a woman; which hair pomade works best under hot lights; when to stare dramatically past your co-star to convey inner turmoil, but we are in total agreement on this matter. This performance was horrendous.

If you find yourself driving past Hiawatha Elementary School on 'Play Night', pin your accelerator to the floor and keep driving, you'll thank me.

(Next time the brothers will review Celebrity Cruise Line's production of Urinetown) DD