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LOCAL DELIVERY MAN IS FORCED TO CHANGE BUSINESS NAME

Memphis, TN-  Fred Bickle feels like a modern day David who tried to fight back against Goliath. Unlike the Biblical David, this version didn't stand a chance in a fight with a Goliath represented by high priced lawyers.

Bickle started a local delivery company using the name Fred Ex, and the slogan, "The Whirl on Time" which is a not so subtle twist on Fedex's "The World on Time". It is unclear what exactly is meant by the term 'whirl on time', and Bickle gave a cryptic response:

"We all know that a whirl goes fast, don't we? Well, I'm doing that, and I'm also doing it on time. Plain and simple. I'm certainly not copying their lame slogan, I didn't even know they had a slogan," said Bickle.

It would appear that the global delivery company has a justified case of copyright infringement and a ruling by the Tennessee State Court recently confirmed as much, ordering Bickle to stop using the name and slogan immediately.

"Why would a billion dollar company give two hoots about a guy making local deliveries in the back of a beat up van? I shouldn't even be a blip on their radar," said Bickle.

The Fred Ex delivery business is just the latest failure in a long line of them for Bickle, which have included: Mr. Field's Cookies, Kentucky Fried Turkey and Motel 7.

"I'm not a man who gives up easily, I have this van that I plan to put to use. I'm thinking of painting it brown and calling it "DOWNS", which stands for Delivery of Whatever's Needed Service.  I'd like to see them attempt to sue me over that one. I already have a catch phrase ready- What can Down do for you? Now, that, is original, if I do say so myself."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

 Hello Schmucks, Madoff here.  First let me say, our cell block Halloween Party was a smashing success. I'd like to thank Darryl for his help with the decorations, Earl for his assistance with the food, and Garnett for his sewing skills with the costumes. I couldn't have done it without you fine gentlemen. Kudos to you all.

Also, I'd like to thank Corrections Officer Manell for judging our "Dancing Behind The Bars" contest, and to our winning couple, Lamar and Manfredo, congratulations gentlemen, your tango was perfect. For a few fleeting moments I felt like I was enjoying an evening in a club in Buenos Aires, instead of this flea bitten hell hole. Thanks to all who pitched in, which really added to the success of the whole event. Of course old Bernie did most of the work, which appears to be par for the course in here, but that's neither here nor there. Happy to do it.

     Now, that I've said that, let's delve into some of the other not so nice business that must and will be addressed. Someone is stealing from me. Ironic as that statement sounds, it happens to be true. Some of you reading this are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your heads at Madoff complaining about being ripped off. Well, to you I say, go invest your money with Morgan Stanley, and then we'll talk about who is the bigger thief. Anyway, back to my particular plight. Besides my wife Ruth and a bowl of creamy rice pudding there are a scant few things left in my life that I really give a crap about. I had 3 things in here that kept me sane in a world of utter insanity in this vile cement jungle:

1) a tattered copy of the book "Goodnight Moon"
2) a slightly rusted metal slinky (my first toy)
3) a 1938 wheat penny (the year of my birth)

One by one, all 3 of these items have disappeared. This does not make Bernie very happy.  None of these items are worth anything to the incarcerated animal that took them, but to me, they mean the world.
My bedtime ritual consists of: fending off potential sodomists with slick double talk, a little play with the slinky, a flip of the penny for good luck, and a reading of Goodnight Moon....

"Goodnight comb, Goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody and Goodnight mush."

Then off to sleep.This has been my nightly ritual for as far back as I can remember (minus the sodomy of course, although Ruth and I did experiment a little now and again, but that is neither here nor there). Don't judge me, you too, I'm sure,  have some nightly ritual that you do to get to sleep. You know who you are, so you know where Bernie is coming from. Just because I've been imprisoned does not mean I have to change all my habits. Well, that is, until some sub-human decided to take what was mine.

I cannot sleep.  Bernie cannot function without sleep. Some can, and I'm jealous of those that can, but I cannot.  I am asking the confused person or persons who has stolen these items from me to please return them. No questions asked. There may be a financial reward if the offending party returns these treasures to me. Am I broke? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. The only way to find out is the safe return of these items.
Until then, Madoff will be pacing his cell, not sleeping.
Madoff out

The Freak and The Beard Help The Giants Win The World Series

Arlington, TX- The Giants won the World Series in 1954 with the help of players like,'The Say Hey Kid', Hoot and Hoyt, Windy and Dusty. They dominated the Cleveland Indians in that World Series, sweeping them in 4 games. Most baseball analysts expected many more championships from that team, but it never happened. The Giants moved from the Pologrounds in New York to San Francisco in the year 1958, the colorful nicknames slowly disappeared or retired, and the World Series crown has eluded them ever since.


The Freak

 Since their move in 1958, the Giants have played in 3 World Series, losing them all : 1962 to the Yankees, 1989 to the A's, 2002 to the Angels. While there have been numerous talented players on the Giants roster over the years, players like: Willie McCovey, Jack Clark, Will Clark and Barry Bonds, they could never seem to win the whole thing. Until now.



The Beard

 "The 2010 Giants finally won the World Series, defeating the Rangers in 5 games, not because they had more talent, but because they had much better nicknames. Just like they did in 1954. They haven't had that in 55 years," said baseball announcer Joe Buck, "over the years they've had -Barry Bonds, Will Clark, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, great players with boring names.  Now they have 'The Freak' [Tim Lincecum] and 'The Beard' [Brian Wilson]. As far as the Rangers, they didn't stand a chance with players named- Cliff Lee, Josh Hamilton and , yawn, Michael Young. They really need to add some punch to those names if they want to compete with these guys. "

Along with The Freak and The Beard, the Giants have a rookie catcher with a porn star's name- Buster Posey,  a journeyman 1st baseman with a name that sounds like a spoiled little school girl- Aubrey Huff, and a 3rd baseman  called- 'Kung Fu Panda' [Pablo Sandoval] who also goes by the nickname, 'The Round Mound of Pound'. The Giants are rich with colorful names, and most teams cannot compete with that.



"The names on this team sound like cartoon names from the 1970's. I can imagine a show on Saturday morning 1976, with names like these airing right after "Hong Kong Phooey" and "The Great Grape Ape".  That's what makes this team so unstoppable," said announcer Tim McCarver, "The poor Rangers didn't stand a chance, it was almost unfair. I think if Kung Fu Panda hadn't been in a slump and had played the whole Series, the Rangers would have been swept."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)



WHITE TEACHER ATTEMPTS TO USE RAP LYRICS TO TEACH STUDENTS

Lexington, Ky-  Mr. Ernest Jurgens, an english teacher at Lafayette High School in Lexington, Kentucky, has a new topic this semester in his English Lit class. Mr.Jurgens, who tries to keep his finger on the pulse of pop culture in order to connect with his students, is attempting to teach and analyze rap lyrics with his students.

"I'm down, yo, with the lingo," mused Mr. Jurgens, in the extremely uncomfortable way a 48 yr old white man sounds when trying to act hip.

"I know what's cool, I was a teenager once too, you know," said Jurgens, "if I think outside the box, it will interest the kids, and BOOYAH, we've got some learnin' goin' on in this shizzle."

When asked what a shizzle was, Jurgens shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "it's all relative, nobody quite knows what most of these words mean, in this case I'm assuming shizzle to mean my classroom. You see, I'm speaking to them just like they speak to each other. I'm breaking ground here, be-yotch."

Jurgens first class of the day Monday morning was asked to analyze lyrics from the Eminem song, 'Love the way you lie', as read by the teacher in a cringe- inducing attempt to sound ghetto-

"I told you this was my fault, look me in the eyeball,
Next time I'm pissed I'll lay my fist at the dry wall,
Next time, there won't be no next time,
I apologize even though I know it's lies,
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back,
I know I'm a liar, If she ever tries to f#*%in' leave again,
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."

Jurgens, tucking his shirt back in his pants after getting all worked up, asked for volunteers to analyze "this modern day urban poem" as he called it.

The students, doing their best not to laugh, looked around at each other until one brave student raised his hand.

"I think,  he has a really bad temper, and he, um, hits his girlfriend, and I guess lies about it," said the student.

"That's right Kyle, or better yet, fo shizzle my nizzle. He is angry with his girlfriend, or ho, and gets physical with her and, yes, then he lies. But to whom? Her? The authorities? Himself?" Maybe a little of all three, huh, Kyle," said Jurgens with a smug look on his face.

Jurgens next tackled the Jay-Z song, '99 Problems'-

"If your havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
(dramatic pause by Mr. Jurgens, as he put on a Yankees cap and turned it to the side)
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe

 got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."

"Who is going to tell us, what some of the problems are facing this young man, or should I say, gangsta?" asked Jurgens.

A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "I think he grew up poor, and now he has money, so people want to shoot him or something."

"That's right, Brittany, very good. He's dealing with jealousy from other young men, who, perhaps are still living in poverty, or the 'hood'.  He's also dealing with violence, racism, and negative stereotypes, but apparently he has no problems finding women, because the bitch ain't one. Anyone else have anything to add?"

The class was silent.

After the class was dimissed, Jurgens was aked why he chose to dissect rap songs for his English class.

"I'm trying to keep them interested, there's only so much Shakespeare and Dickens that a teen mind can tolerate, it's boring to them. Heck, it's boring to me as well, I've been teaching the same damn books for 25 years. I've always found music to be the common ground that bridges the generation gap, so I mix it in. This year it's rap, yo," said Jurgens attempting to pose with arms folded," wait until they see the song that I picked for the mid-term, 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-lot. That song is rich with subtle nuances and playful double entendres. Let's see what kind of essays the kids can come up with for that one.  I can't wait, it'll be off the hook."

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

MUPPETS GET HORNY AFTER KATY PERRY'S APPEARANCE

Sesame Street-  Katy Perry's appearance did not air on Sesame Street, as producers deemed her attire inappropriate for the 'Sesame Street image'.



The singer's sexy outfit, while much more subdued than her usual attire, seems to have caused quite a reaction with several of the muppets.

Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, even Oscar the Grouch have all been acting erratically since the Katy Perry guest spot, especially around women.

"I can't even walk down the street without getting catcalls and comments from some of them lately. I expect that from Cookie, he's as horny as they come, but I'm shocked that Elmo is acting this way. I always thought he was gay," said Abby Cadabby.

Things came to a head yesterday, when Tyra Banks made a surprise visit to Sesame Street. The sight of the beautiful model and talk show host in skin tight jeans turned some of the muppets into uncontrollable libidinous creatures.

"Elmo suddenly has weird feeling in area below Elmo's stomach. Elmo first felt like this when singing with pretty Katy Perry. Elmo's fur is getting tight. Elmo must have you Tyra Banks," shrieked Elmo in his high pitched falsetto, as he pounced on Banks, kissing her ears and neck.

"Me make love to you woman! Me so horny! Ummm numm numm numm," joined in Cookie Monster, "you make me want to change my name to Nookie Monster."

"Bring her over here, I want to get her in the can," bellowed Oscar the Grouch.

Grover was removing his 'Super Grover' cape and helmet, and was about to join the furry orgy, when luckily, Bob McGrath, Luis, and several members of the crew were able to intervene before any damage was done.

"In over 40 years, I can assure you, I've never seen them act this way before," said a confused Bob McGrath, "we've had plenty of nice women of the program before, but none have aroused the muppets quite like this. I guess that Katy Perry appearance really stirred them up. Poor timing on Tyra's part, I guess we should have had Joan Rivers or Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan on, I doubt the muppets would have attacked either of them."

Order has been temporarily restored to the one time "safest street in America". Several of the muppets are undergoing counselling, and one muppet in particular, Cookie Monster, has been placed in a clinic for Sexual Addicts.
For now, the producers are sticking with guests who are less likely to evoke such strong reactions from the cast.
"Bob Costas, Ellen DeGeneres, Howie Mandel, these types of personalities. We'll play it safe, for now. I don't think booking Sofia Vergara from the show 'Modern Family' is such a good idea at this time," said a producer, "that woman might cause a relapse in some of them, especially Cookie."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

DISCARDED PLASTIC BAG STUCK IN TREE WAS IMPORTANT, ONCE

New Paltz, NY-  A white plastic bag stuck high on a tree limb tries to pass the time by thinking about memories from a not so distant past. A past when it was important and actually served a purpose.

"I came home with them [the Prescott family] from Mega mart, and I was a valuable member of their family for quite some time. I was the one that carried Cassie's art project to school, and Mrs. P told her, 'honey please bring home that bag'. And she did," said the bag.

"I was the holder of little Teddy's stained underwear when he had the accident at the park. Poor, embarrassed little Teddy, I saved the day," remembered the bag, as its voice was reduced to a saddened whisper.

The bag has been stuck in the tree for the last 2 weeks, and knows that the fall season brings much heavier winds.

"The winds are really starting to pick up. This is going to end in one of 2 ways," said the bag, "either a strong wind carries me right off this branch to freedom or, gulp, I get ripped apart and become several pieces of plastic blowing all around. Obviously I'm rooting against the latter."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)