WIFE HAS ENOUGH OF HUSBAND WHOSE AWKWARD CLAPPING LASTS TOO LONG

Peoria, Il-    Betty Burke is livid with husband Al, whose public displays of clapping have become more and more annoying.

"This clap of his has finally pushed me to my limit. 30 years of it and I can't take it anymore. He always finishes three seconds after everyone else, to the point where people turn around and look at us. I'm mortified," said Betty Burke.

Al's latest awkward clap was last night at his grandson's music recital at the local high school. After each song, the audience politely applauded, but Burke's clapping went on a little too long, disturbing the musicians, and angering the crowd.

"I thought it was funny the first time, but it happened after each song. There were eight songs, by the fourth one I was ready to wring his scrawny neck," said  Arthur Yolmeyer, whose daughter was onstage playing the clarinet.

It seems Al Burke is clueless about his clapping, and didn't realize that he was bothering anyone.

"Gee whiz, I sure am sorry. I didn't know it was such a major issue. When I clap, I give it my all, and I don't want to stop. I'm showing my sincere appreciation to someone or something that I think deserves it. People stop when they want. I didn't know there was an appointed time to stop. Is there? Is there an exact science to how long a clap should last? Well, is there?   Your silence speaks volumes, and I will continue to clap until I deem it to be sufficient. Betty is just going to have to deal with it."

Mr. Burke applauded me right out his front door, and I heard him still clapping as I pulled out from in front of his house and drove up the block.     DD

EDITORIAL FROM GOD

Hello, it's been awhile since I've heard from some of you (you know who you are, I won't embarrass you here), others I hear from constantly.

Which is fine. I love you all, you know that.

Please let me dispel a rumor that's been going around for quite some time now.

I don't take sides in sporting events. Never have. Never will.

Quite frankly, I couldn't care less. I'm sure that you're aware that I'm kind of busy. Right? You do understand that, don't you?  I don't have time for games and sports.  I wish I did. Maybe in a perfect world I would (Ha Ha).

When an athlete taps their chest and points toward heaven, or thanks me first when he or his team wins it's sweet, I don't mind , but it's kind of silly.

Do they think I really helped them to win and turned my back on the rest? 

What kind of God would I be if I did that?  Answer, not a very good one, right.

I don't take sides. I don't help balls go over walls or through hoops, it's just not one of the things that I do.

Thank your team mates, thank your coaches, thank your fans, heck, thank yourself, I had nothing to do with it. I'm not responsible for your opponent's misery, who is now sobbing, and is mad at ME. I didn't do anything. I'm busy, my plate is full.

Alright?  Are we clear?  Good, I'll see you on Sunday.

Love, the man upstairs.

MAN CRASHES INTO RESTAURANT, ORDERS BREAKFAST AND COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SERVICE

Butte Falls, OR-  The patrons of Waffles "N" Gravy & More  on Pine Street were jolted awake by more than owner Maryann Caskey's coffee yesterday morning.  A car driven by Bobby Pardue, 33, from nearby Medford, crashed right through the front window of the popular eating establishment during breakfast hours.

"I was behind the counter making coffee when I heard this frightening crash and I turned around to see the front of a car where one of my windows used to be," said Caskey, " I was in complete shock, I stood there, coffee pot in hand, just staring at this incredible scene."

Amazingly, no one was injured.

Pardue emerged unscathed from the '93 Reliant K car, brushed himself off, grabbed a menu from the rack and sat down in a booth where he signaled for the waitress.

"I've been hearing about the breakfast at this place for a long time, so I decided to give it a try since I was in the area," said Pardue," I have to say, I was not impressed.  It took forever to get the waitress to come over, and an eternity to get the food.  The meal was terrible, and I'm being generous when I say that.  How the hell do you mess up pancakes for Christ's sake? Very, very disappointing.  It ruined my entire day, I'm so sorry I wasted my time."

Caskey estimates the damage to be about $25,000 and will need to close up for several days while the repairs are made, which will also cost her in lost revenue.

"What an absolute jerk! He ruins my business, and not only doesn't he apologize, he complains about the food and the service. I guess you have to consider the source. His taste for good food is right up there with his superior driving skills," said Caskey.

OBLIGATORY ADVERTISEMENT

        1-877-JOBS4KIDS

Parents, we want to teach your kids the value of hard work and the sense of pride for a job well done.
Aren't you tired of America losing jobs because of outsourcing to foreign nations?
Of course you are! 
Well, here's your chance to fight back and make a difference!
Little Johnny doesn't need those piano lessons, let's face it, he sucks. You know it. We know it. Heck, Johnny knows it.

Susie doesn't need to join gymnastics, dance and soccer. Does she? 
Aren't you sick of being a chaffeur for that little brat?
Of course you are!
Why are you wasting everyone's time and your hard earned money?
We feel your pain. But guess what, there's something that you can do about it.                      CALL US!!

Send them to us after school, little Johnny/Susie will learn something valuable in one of our many factory outlets, where he/she will work side by side with other unskilled laborers just like themselves. 
They will learn a skill that will stay with them the rest of their lives, unlike those piano lessons that we all know are basically useless.

Companies such as NIKE, THE GAP, IKEA are all on board with us.
Wouldn't you be proud to tell your friends that your child's sweat and tears put together that tv stand or sewed that fancy sweater.
Of course you would.

           1-877-JOBS4KIDS

Call Today!!

Let's put the 'I can' back into American!

(EDITOR'S  NOTE:  WE ARE JUST TRYING TO PAY THE BILLS WITH AD SPACE, WE DON'T NECESSARILY CONDONE THE USE OF SWEATSHOPS)

NEWSFLASH- BREAKING NEWS

IN A SHOCKING REVELATION, FORMER MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER MARK MCGWIRE HAS ADMITTED THAT HE TOOK STEROIDS DURING HIS PLAYING CAREER.

McGwire Regular Flavor

McGwire Extra Strength

   (

IN AN UNRELATED STORY, WATER HAS ADMITTED THAT IT IS, IN FACT, WET.