WORLD'S FIRST HONEST AUTO MECHANIC DISCOVERED

Worthington, Oh- In what some scientists are describing as a ground breaking discovery, an automobile mechanic who doesn't overcharge unsuspecting motorists for unnecessary "repairs" was actually found alive and working in an Ohio suburb.

"I am truly speechless," said Dr. Laszlo Ferrar, "I had almost given up hope that one actually existed. I've spent the better part of 20 years searching for this elusive creature. There were rumors about possible sightings, but it always ended the same way, in utter disappointment, a 'new' timing belt and a bill for $600. Until now."

Bill James, the world's first honest mechanic, has been repairing automobiles for the residents of Worthington, Ohio, a small suburb of Columbus, for the past 40 years.

James, 58, whose motto, "An honest day's work for an honest day's pay" is unprecedented in the auto repair industry.

This discovery, once unheard of, has now changed the heart and mindset of even the most jaded consumers.

"I brought my '99 Ford Tempo in for an oil change, and do you know what I got? An oil change. An actual oil change. I couldn't believe it!" exclaimed Debbie Casali,"usually when I bring my car to a shop for an oil change I get a bill for a fuel pump and brake pads. I am shocked, I thought there must be something wrong with this man or maybe he was just mentally challenged and couldn't add. He gave me a bill for $21. I stood there dumbfounded, he had to help me to a chair so that I could sit down, I felt a little dizzy by the whole experience."

It is a mystery how a discovery like this has eluded scientists, consumer advocists, and the media for four decades. Some experts are equating this to capturing a unicorn or swimming with a mermaid. A myth, a fantasy, which was written off long ago as the musings of dreamers who were not grounded in reality.

"My colleagues scoffed at my research and told me I had a better chance of capturing the Loch Ness Monster. I've left them all slaw-jacked with this discovery of Mr. James. He may actually earn me a shot at a Nobel Prize," said Dr.Ferrar.

As with any discovery of this magnitude the speculation of a hoax is bandied about. Many in the auto repair industry claim Bill James is a fraud, most notably other repair shops located in and around Worthington.

"Impossible," said Cletus Mayhew of the Firestone Complete Auto Care Center on N. High Street, "James ain't no real mechanic. Can't be. There's no way he charges those prices and runs an auto repair shop. No way! We got lots of overhead to pay for, we can't have you come in here for just an oil change, it's impossible! We need to charge at least $300 on every job or we might as well close our doors. That's the way it is. Every mechanic worth his salt knows that. I'll say it again, James ain't no real mechanic! Remember where you heard that, Ol' Cletus Mayhew over here at Firestone on N. High Street.
And when you come to your senses, bring your car on over, we're runnin' a free diagnostic test this week on all makes and models, but bring your checkbook, just in case we find somethin' wrong." DD

Opinion

Hi, my name is Kevin Nelson and I really need your help. I have a job interview on Monday and I was wondering if you think this jacket is a little too retro for me?
I have a fairly impressive resume, but it's the face to face interview that really makes or breaks you.
I don't want to look, well you know, ridiculous. Sometimes a potential employer will size you up before you even open your mouth, and I don't want to lose out because of bad fashion sense.
I think the jacket works, especially with the tie, but hey, you never know, I could be totally off base here.
I do have a dark tweed sports coat with the patches on the elbows, you know real sophisticated, but I've worn that one so many times already that it's getting kind of boring.
How about the shirt? Do you think a little splash of color might be more pleasing to the eye? Maybe mauve or even, let's say, peach?
Something that says, 'Hey mister future employer, Kevin Nelson is a complete professional, but you know what, he has a playful side too. You'd better snatch this guy up before some other mega corporation beats you to it.'
I'm just not sure, but I do want to make a great first impression. When I step into the office I want them to say to themselves,' That's him! That's the man we've been looking for to fill this position.'
I think this look works for me, but I'd like your feedback. You'd never know it to look at me, but sometimes I tend to obsess on things, and take things a little too far. I'd hate to make a bad choice and make a fool of myself.
Thanks a lot, I could really use your input, it would mean the world to me.
Your friend, and hopefully soon to be employed, Kevin Nelson.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

NEW VARIETY SHOW 'NOSFERATU & FRIENDS' CANCELED AFTER ONLY TWO EPISODES



Ill fated variety show 'Nosferatu & Friends' was quickly canceled by fledgling network CW today due to controversy. The show, which centered around ancient ghoulish vampire Nosferatu, was flawed from its inception.

Trying to capitalize on the pop culture fascination with vampires, a few aggressive network executives thought it would be a good idea to build a variety show around one of the oldest vampires in Hollywood.

"They try to do things on the cheap over there at that network. We've seen some bad ideas thrown together with very limited budgets before from them, but this was an all time low. Nosferatu is not a very well known vampire, especially to the target audience of 18-34 that they were gearing it toward. He is also notoriously unpredictable to deal with, that's why no one in the business has worked with him in over 70 years. This is one idea that literally came back to bite them," said Melissa Marconi, executive producer for ABC.

The episodes of the show which aired the past two consecutive Saturdays at 8, were a disaster from the opening scene. Apparently Nosferatu only groans and hisses and makes other inarticulate sounds, and yet they had him attempting to sing a duet with former 'American Idol' contestant William Hung.
Their bizarre rendition of "I'm too sexy" was assumed to be a joke, but came off as creepy. Nosferatu, with unblinking eyes wide open, just stared and groaned at Hung, and slowly inched closer and closer to him as the song progressed, culminating with his claw-like fingers around Hung's throat. The show then quickly cut to commercial never finishing the song. Hung was not seen again on the show after the commercial break, or anywhere else for that matter.

"It was the worst experience of my life," said a production assistant on the show who refused to reveal her name for safety reasons. "They had dance numbers and sketch comedy routines planned, but Nosferatu would not cooperate. In one sketch he was supposed to be a sheriff who comes busting through the door of an old saloon to save a damsel in distress but instead he attacked the woman himself. It was horrible, it took seven stage crew members to pull him off her. I still have nightmares about that."

Another production problem ocurred when the editors realized that Nosferatu only appears in black and white, and all attempts to colorize his performances were unsuccessful, creating a strange and unsettling visual image.
Each episode was supposed to end with the whole cast onstage singing a group song, but no one wanted to get within 10 feet of the menacing vampire.

"I hope he never works in this town again," said co-star Bruce Brickmeier, a veteran actor and singer who has appeared in countless Broadway musicals, "I've never worked with someone so unprofessional in all my years in show business. He couldn't sing, he couldn't dance, he couldn't act, he was useless. It was like working with Tom Arnold all over again."

Nosferatu's career in show business seems to have come to an abrupt end, and he will probably slink back into the shadows where he has been hiding for three quarters of a century. Unless, of course, he turns his attention to producing, where various ghouls, like Harvey Weinstein, have had quite successful careers.
Only Nosferatu knows for sure what his plans are, and as usual, he's not talking.
DD

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS HAVE DECIDED TO COME OUT........................
WITH THEIR PREDICTIONS FOR THE NBA FINALS......




Paul- Hello faithful readers, Charles and I have been on an extended vacation, but we flew back just in time to cover the NBA Finals.

Charles- Oh Oh, I'm so glad to be back on American soil. I kissed the ground the minute I stepped off that lousy plane.

Paul- That was a little more than ground that you were kissing there big fella. You know it's customary to give a monetary tip to a man who carries your luggage, I think you went a little overboard there Casanova.

Charles- I didn't have anything smaller than a five, don'tcha know, oh,oh. Besides, money is quickly spent, I gave that man a memory he won't ever forget.

Paul- Yeah, and he'll have the doctor's bills to prove it.

Charles- Meeoww, can I get a saucer of milk for my friend over here. Must you be so vile with your salty little comments?

Paul- Alright, alright, take it easy there Chuck, I'm just pullin' your chain.

Charles- Too late!! Har Har, Oh, Oh.

Paul- Let's get to some basketball, shall we?

Charles- Of course, we are sports reporters after all. I'll tell you Paul, I'm so excited, I can't wait to watch LeBron James in action, that ebony prince is pure poetry in motion. I could watch his moves for hours upon hours, in slow motion, with the lights turned off and surrounded by hundreds of candles.

Paul- Sorry there big fella, but the Cavs lost to the Magic in the last round while you were traipsing all over Paris. Your ebony prince will be watching the Finals from home, same as us.

(cricket, cricket)

Paul- Hello there big fella, did you hear what I just said ?

Charles- Yes. I heard.

Paul- That's it? That's your response? Yes, I heard. Don't be such a drama queen now Chuck, our fans are eagerly awaiting our predictions you know.

Charles- I don't have any predictions.

Paul- Stop! I refuse to continue this article unless you snap out of your prissy little funk.

Charles- Fine.

Paul- Ok then, we have the Los Angeles Lakers with Kobe Bryant against the Orlando Magic with Dwight Howard. You're gonna like this Chuck. Do you know what Kobe's nickname is?

Charles- Unconvicted Rapist?

Paul- Now, we're getting close to some of that acidic Charles Nelson Reilly wit that we know and love.

Charles- Oh, oh, you're right Paul, I am feeling better, please forgive me. All it takes is one snide comment to make me feel better. Besides, LeBron is young, very young, dontcha know, he's barely legal, which is one of my favorite things about him. We still have all his commercials to look forward to, oh, oh.

Paul- What's your prediction for the series there Chuckles?

Charles- Well, if I must, I'll have to pick Orlando in eight.

Paul- Orlando in eight?

Charles- That's right. What's wrong with that?

Paul- You do realize that I'm talking about the city in Florida and not Tony Orlando, right Chuck?

Charles- If I thought you were referring to Tony Orlando I would have said 5 1/2, dontcha know.

Paul- So you're sticking with Orlando in eight?

Charles- Correct.

Paul- How can you make such a ridiculous prediction and expect our readers to take us seriously?

Charles- Don't you take a condescending tone with me sister or I'll walk out of here just like I did on Match Game, when Brett Sommers farted the National Anthem during a taping.

Paul- Oh, please, enough with the Brett Sommers story, I've heard it a million times. Try sitting in the center square next to Wayland Flowers and Madame. He was doing things with that puppet that would have offended the Marquis de Sade.
So save your Brett Sommers stories for someone else.

Charles- Oh, Oh, I'm the last person you want to get into a pissing contest with, as proven by our night in that Hamburg hotel room, so just give us your prediction already.

Paul- Lakers in three, alright there big fella. That's more of a realistic pick, and one that our readers have come to expect from us.

Charles- Whatever. My heart's not in it this year anyway. There's always next year LeBron.

Paul- Anyway, the game will be on any minute and I must get into my game time kimono. I hope you enjoy watching those large, sweaty men bang into each other as much as we do, and we'll talk to you before the next ball drops.

Movie Review of "STAR TREK" by Bill S. Hatner

To boldly go where no man has gone before. To BOLDLY go where no man has gone before? That phrase meant something once upon a time. Well, I have news for you, a man has been there before. A talented man. A man who can easily make the transition from drama to action to comedy and back again. A man who not only acts, but is a successful businessman, pitchman and philanthropist.

A renaissance man who is just as comfortable on the stage as he is on the back of a horse. A man who can make love to a woman while quoting Shakespeare as he watches the fourth quarter of the game. Now that is a bold man.

That man as you may have guessed is Mr. William Shatner.

I've never met the man, but I hear he is remarkable.

Once upon a time that man, a virile man, a man's man, helmed the Starship Enterprise, not a 90210 wannabe, whose eyelashes are longer than his resume and who looks like he'd be more comfortable in a salon chair instead of a captain's chair.

This is James Tiberius Kirk? I think not!

William Shatner, who has over 50 years acting experience and is the universal face of Star Trek, was snubbed by the director of this remake or pre-quel or whatever they're calling this farce.

They wanted to go in a new direction. Jump start the franchise. Go to the beginning, or so I hear. Funny, Nimoy's phone was ringing but not Shatner's.

Like I said, I've never met the man, but I'm sure his feelings were hurt. Of course they were. He is human after all, even if he appears, shall we say, more than human.

It's not like he doesn't have anything else to do you know. He is an extremely busy and sought after singular talent, who is constantly turning down work, or so I hear.

The way I look at it, it's the director's loss.

As far as the movie goes, I couldn't sit through it. I kept getting a nagging feeling that something was missing, something important.

I think we all know what that is.

J J Abrams, William Shatner's number is unlisted, but I think you might want to try getting in touch with him before you start filming the sequel.

He'll be expecting your call, along with an apology. Just don't call before ten, he likes to sleep late, or so I'm told.

Public Service Announcement: By V P Joe Biden

Hello there my fellow Americans, Vice President Joe Biden here.
Today is May 5th, a perfect day to further express my views that were first espoused on the Today Show with Matt Lauer.
May 5th, or as our neighbors to the south say it, cinco de mayo, is a fitting day to discuss the terrible disease these generous neighbors have presented us with, Swine Flu.
When Matt Lauer asked me if I would tell members of my family not to use commercial airlines, I answered honestly, something I thought the American public would appreciate.
Apparently not. I guess you want me to tip toe around the issue, but I'm not going to do it.
As a matter of fact I'm going to let you all know how I really feel, public opinion polls be damned.
Stay away from all closed "container like" forms of transportation. Airplanes, subways, anything of that nature as I previously mentioned. I wouldn't even get in my own car at this point.
Do not use ATM vestibules, you might as well pick out your coffin now if you go into one of those death traps.
Keep out of anyplace that sells Mexican food or any place, for that matter, where Mexicans might congregate. Good luck to you poor bastards in states that border Mexico. Its been nice knowing you.
Avoid anyone with a Spanish accent, they could be Mexican. Better yet avoid anyone with any form of accent that doesn't sound American. If you don't you'll be bleeding from every orifice on your body within hours. Trust me, I've seen it.
Lock yourselves in your homes, secure the premises, barricade the doors and windows, load your firearms. If anyone attempts to enter your premises, give them a warning shot and then start firing!
Now, listen, it is not my intention to cause a wide spread panic, I'm just trying to look out for my own, of which I consider all Americans. I want us all to be safe and healthy.
That being said I'm warning anyone who coughs or sneezes within 10 feet of me I will be carrying a sidearm, and I'm a damn good shot.
Final words: Avoid everyone and everything and you might manage to stay alive.
Be safe. Be smart. Be careful.
Good Luck and God Speed!!

New Met Gary Sheffield Has Altercation With Carlos Beltran's Mole

Trouble seems to follow major league baseball player Gary Sheffield around like a dark cloud. The 40 year old slugger, who has played for numerous teams in his long career, has yet another altercation to add to a growing list.
Sheffield, who claims to be very happy as a role player for the New York Mets, said this latest incident is not his fault.
"Listen, I may have had my share of troubles in this league over the years, but in this case I am totally innocent. I let a lot of things roll off my back, especially now that I'm 40, but some things I just can't let slide. I'm a bona fide Hall of Famer, I'm not gonna let some birth mark tell me how to swing the bat and play the outfield. I refuse to be bullied and badgered by a mole on someone's face, no matter how big and ugly it is," said Sheffield.
The problem seems to have started almost immediately upon the arrival of Sheffield to the team. The mole, which is next to Beltran's right ear, seemed to take an instant dislike to the veteran slugger.
"I did nothing wrong, except maybe I stared at it a little too often. I guess I've never seen one that big up close before. Maybe it took offense to my staring and dry heaving. I don't know. This thing hated me from the moment I arrived in the clubhouse. It caused me to miss a routine fly ball in left field the other night, and then made fun of me later for it. That's bush league right there! I won't tolerate that!"
Beltran seems to be unaware of the growing animosity between his mole and Sheffield, and when questioned just smiled and said that it has nothing to do with him and he chooses to stay out of the fray.
Asked why no one else has had any problems with Beltran or his mole before, Sheffield shrugged and cited possible racism.
"Let's get one thing understood, I love Carlos Beltran. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. I have no problem with him whatsoever. But that mole is pure evil man, I'm telling you. It calls itself 'El Capitan' and controls Carlos's actions without him even knowing it. Why do you think he didn't swing at that pitch in game 7 against the Cardinals in the 2006 NLCS? Why do you think he doesn't slide lately? It's that damn 'El Capitan'!"
Sheffield seems to be deeply angered by the mole and there is growing concern on the team that something physical is bound to happen between the two.
"I'm happy here. My time in the league is short, and I want to end it with the Mets, but if that nasty mother keeps messin' with me, I'll bite that raisinette lookin' sucker right off and spit it in the toilet." DD