INDONESIAN FAMILIES ANGERED AFTER RECEIVING DONATED SHIRTS DECLARING PHILLIES AS WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS

Major League Baseball (MLB) and the charity World Vision are in the doghouse with some Indonesian families who suffered through a massive earthquake in September.
MLB donates "unsalable" merchandise from losing teams to the charity World Vision, which distributes it to needy people throughout the world.
The items consist of mostly t-shirts which were pre-printed in the event a certain team won the World Series so that winning team players can wear them immediately after the game.
Thousands of shirts are pre-printed for both teams declaring each the World Series Champion, and are shipped to sporting goods stores for sale the very next morning (sometimes at midnight the night of the win)for the clamoring fans.

"This is common practice in all professional sports and has been going on for decades. Time is of the essence. You can't wait for the series to be over, and then place an order with the name of the winning team, it could take several days. The moment would be over and only die-hard fans would make a purchase. We'd wind up losing money," said MLB representative Gary Dryden," The downside is we have thousands of items which can't be sold, in this case shirts, hats, etc declaring the Phillies as 2009 World Series Champions. Instead of burning these items, we donate them to the needy, putting clothes on their backs, and giving us a pretty sweet tax right off. A win-win for everybody."

The concept seems like a no-brainer, but some of the recipients of these shirts and hats are not as thrilled as one would have imagined.

"Where the f*#% am I going to wear this shirt?" said earthquake survivor Vuthypong Therawat, "I lost my home to an eartquake, but I'm not a complete loser. I know the Yankees won the World Series, not the lame Phillies. Everyone knows. Cole Hamels quit on his team and Ryan Howard couldn't buy a big hit. I'm expected to wear a shirt that says that they are the champs, what kind of jackass do you think I am?"

"I am truly surprised by this reaction. I thought that they would be thrilled to be receiving clothing after their devastating loss. What's printed on the shirts should be the least of their concerns. They are living in squalor right now wondering where their next meal is coming from, and they're annoyed what a FREE shirt has printed on the front! Ingrates! Well, you know what, they're off the list. Indonesia is officially off the list. I'm fed up!" said World Vision executive Martin Keenaghan.

"World Vision can kiss my ass," said Therawat, "Why don't they just give us shirts that say 'HOMELESS LOSERS' on them instead. It's basically the same thing. Keep your crappy t-shirts. It's like 95 degrees here, most of us don't wear shirts anyway. Rebuild my home and give me some Goddamn food. Now that would be helpful." DD

FATHER AND SON'S NIGHT OF BONDING ENDS WITH BOTH ARRESTED

Central Florida- Lloyd Turnip Jr and his son Lloyd Turnip III decided to try and rekindle their strained relationship by having "a boy's night out". The father and son had been embroiled in a 6 month feud which began innocently enough when Lloyd the third insulted his dad's attempt at homemade tapioca pudding and slowly escalated from there to a hatchet fight in and around the family trailer, culminating with each Turnip bloodied, missing several fingers and toes.

"Them Turnips always been trouble, from the day they was hatched," said neighbor Ned Jupps, "trouble with a capital T. They killed my cats with a slingshot the day they moved in, and that's the best thing I can say about them filthy bastards."

The Turnips have, in recent weeks, slowly decided to end their feud, mostly at the urging of Lloyd Jr's ex-wife, Hattie Potts.

"I need those 2 to stay together and the hell away from me. They are 2 of the dumbest creatures to ever walk this good earth. They belong together. I tricked them by telling each one of them that the other was really sorry and had money for the other. Couple a idiots," said Hattie.

The celebratory night out for the Turnips turned ugly and violent almost immediately and ended with father and son locked up for numerous charges. Some of the charges include: Drunk & Disorderly Conduct, Resisting Arrest, Public Lewdness, Vandalism, Trespassing, Arson, Motor Vehicle Theft, DUI, Prostitution, Glue Sniffing and 15 other charges.

"We was just tryin' to have a good time is all," said Lloyd Jr, "shoot, people like to party in different ways. I sure as shit don't tell you folks how to have a good time, so don't be tellin' me and my boy how to. Us Turnips like to turn it up a notch or two, if you know what I mean."

The Turnip boys are likely to face several years behind bars for their conduct, as numerous small businesses and innocent bystanders try to recover from the damage the father and son caused.

"Well, what's done is done. Excuse the crap outta me for takin' my boy out on the town and tryin' to have a little joy in my life. It ain't easy competin' for a boy's attention with all these damn video games and stuff, but I'm tryin' my best" DD

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK TO WEIGH IN ON THE WORLD SERIES









CHARLES- Well, Paul, it's time for the Fall Classic.

PAUL- You mean the clothing optional Hot Tub Party at Jim Nabor's house?

CHARLES- Oh, Oh, no.....not that Fall Classic, that's in November. I'm talkin about the World Series.

PAUL- Of Poker?

CHARLES- Baseball, you little fop. We're sports reporters, or did you forget that little piece of information?

PAUL- Whoa, slow down there big fella. Who exactly are you referring to when you say "Little Fop"?

CHARLES- I think you know who? Just zip it and save it for later. Our loyal readers want us to break down the World Series, not have one of our infamous cat fights.

PAUL- You're right Chuck, too much drama, why don't you give us some of that CNR baseball insight.

CHARLES- Now you're acting rationally. Let's talk about America's favorite past time, shall we.

PAUL- You mean sleeping with your neighbors and then blogging about it, changing all the names.

CHARLES- No, America's other favorite past time. Baseball. We have quite a match up in this World Series.

PAUL- Why do they call it the World Series when only teams from America and some pathetic loser from Canada get to play for it.

CHARLES- Because that's how its done. That's how its always been. And that's how it will always be. Listen sister, don't go getting all philosophical on me, just give us your predictions and make it quick. I have a Toga Party at Nathan Lane's condo to go to tonight. I have an elegant satin sheet that will be the hit of the party.

PAUL- Whatever, Chuck. I think the Phillies will repeat as champs. That Ryan Howard is a whole lotta man. Way too much man for the Yankees to handle.

CHARLES- Poor, dear Paul. So naive. So clueless. If you want to talk about a man, a real M-A-N, then the conversation begins and ends with Alex Rodriguez. His full glistening lips, his frosted highlights, his ever so subtle use of rougue and mascara. That my dear Paul is a real man. Your Ryan Howard is a neanderthal compared to A-Rod. Oh, Oh, and boy can he sock that ball.

PAUL- Puh-leeze Chuck, you gush about him as if he were LeBron James.

CHARLES- Blasphemy!! LeBron is in a league all by himself. Let's keep that chocolate God out of this shall we, and stick to the World Series. As you have guessed I am picking the Yankees to sweep them.

PAUL- Is that so? Would you care to make a friendly wager Chuckles?

CHARLES- I don't condone gambling, but what did you have in mind?

PAUL- How about the loser has to give Chuck Norris a bikini wax.

CHARLES- LOSER???

PAUL- Yeah, you're right that is more like the winner's prize.

CHARLES- How about the loser has to clean Rosie O'Donnell's bathroom.

PAUL- Oh dear God!! That is repulsive, but alright, we're on.

CHARLES- OK, let's shake on it.

PAUL- OK, Chuck, you can let go now. You do know that you're supposed to shake HANDS when you say that right?

CHARLES- OH, OH hands have so many germs, I'm not a fan of shaking hands.

PAUL- Alright, stay tuned loyal readers, and may the best man win.

AGAINST FAMILY'S WISHES GARY BUSEY ELOPES WITH MONKEY

Actor and occasional contributor to this publication, Gary Busey, has once again outraged his family and shocked his three fans. This time he may have gone too far. Busey, whose love of animals goes back to his childhood, has possibly crossed the line of acceptable human behavior.
While guest starring on a show about chimpanzees on The Animal Planet Busey became quite smitten with one of his co-stars Sally the Chimp.
After the taping of the program, Busey hung around the set every day for two weeks, smiling that Busey smile and flirting with the primate. The two became inseperable and exactly one month after their first meeting Busey declared his love to Sally.
"Sally is the only one who gets me. I've never felt like this before. I love her man!" screamed Busey to a confused crowd outside the Animal Planet studio.
Many wonder if this is some bizarre publicity stunt or more likely that the actor has finally gone completely insane.

"Gary has always loved animals. I remember him being quite fond of his pet ferret, letting it sleep under his covers as a little boy. His father and I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time, although I do recall he always woke up without his jammy bottoms. There were a few strange incidents now that I think of it. There was that time at the game farm when he french kissed a pig and tried to drink milk directly from a cow. We just figured he was craving attention from his father who actually couldn't stand him. I guess there was a little more to it than that," said Gary's mom.



(2 year old Gary introducing himself to a pig)


Busey, to the chagrin of his family, has run away with Sally and has vowed to find a society that will accept their relationship and not judge them. Possibly West Virginia.

"I don't think this is a stunt, I truly believe that Gary is deeply in love with Sally. I just hope he realizes something very important before he tries to consumate their relationship," said veterinarian and Animal Planet consultant Dr. Kent Tyner,"Sally is actually a male chimp, but having met Gary a few times, I don't think that will stop him." DD

LIBYAN LEADER MOAMMAR GADHAFI PRACTICES STAND UP ROUTINE AT UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY

United Nations(NY)- Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi grabbed his manila folder full of material and slowly strolled to the podium,a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye. The self proclaimed "king of kings" adjusted the microphone, straightened out the various wraps adorning his body, and proceeded to speak for 96 continuous minutes in a mystifying stream of consciousness.
He began speaking to a full house and 1 hour 36 minutes later his audience consisted of delegates from French Guyana, The Ivory Coast, Bora Bora and 3 cleaning people.

Most members of the General Assembly gave up 15 minutes into Gaddafi's speech.
Gadhaffi, whose name has a different spelling each time it appears, touched on a wide variety of topics, never quite forming complete rational thoughts.

Here are some excerpts from Mummar Quaddafi's mind-bending speech:


13 minutes: "I want to tell you that I still despise Ronald Reagan. He was a terrible leader and a coward of a man, and yet I find all of his old movies completely charming. I have watched them all, hundreds of times. I am torn between my hatred for this man, and my love of his interplay with Bonzo the monkey. I miss him. In another century, under different circumstances, we would have been best friends. Inseperable buddies. Or we would have brutally killed each other. One way or the other, it would have been glorious. Is anyone hungry?
Can I have a falaffel extra yogurt sauce and a fresca with no ice ...."



39 minutes: "If you were stranded in the desert with a goat, a sheep, and a chicken, which one would you have sex with? Why choose just one! True story. Hey, Hey, Yemen, don't you judge me! I see the look that you just gave Senegal. And you too Botswana, I'm sure you have a skeleton or two in your closet...."



53 minutes: "I have ugly feet look at them. No, don't! Look away, they're hideous! They're so hairy and my toenails are all black and uneven. I'm embarrassed of them, yet I wear sandals constantly. I can't help it, they really go with any style of robe, or several layers of robes, and any type of hat, whether it's a kuffi, turban or what have you. I didn't always feel this way, but I do now.
Wake up are you listening to me? I know most of you have jet lag, but this is very rude...."


74 minutes: "The oceans are the future, we must take to them and start breeding humans with gills so that we can evolve and prosper. There is so much more room in the sea, why can't anyone see this besides me. We have gone as far as we can go on the land. We need to start this tonight. Who's with me?...."


88 minutes: "Is anyone else sick of this Megan Fox yet? She's hot and sexy, no doubt about that, but she's crazier than a shit house rat. What's with all the weird tattoos? Has the world run out of beautiful, sexy women that we need to put her picture on the cover of every magazine? Is it me? Am I alone in this? Can I see a show of hands if you're with me? Helllloooo is this thing on?...."




Quaddafy mercifully ended his rambling speech at 96 minutes, as some speculated that he was going to try and break Fidel Castro's record from the 1960's of over 4 hours.
The Libyan leader enjoyed his time in New York on the big stage so much that he just booked a 3 night stint at Caroline's Comedy Club.
It is unclear how audiences will react to him, but it is safe to say that he'll probably get a better reception than Tom Arnold, and will surely be funnier. DD

KER PLUNK GOES MILTON BRADLEY'S CAREER AS CHICAGO CUBS RIGHTFIELDER

Chicago- The Cubs have seen enough of controversial baseball player Milton Bradley, and have decided to suspend him for the rest of the season. Bradley, who is playing for his seventh team in ten years, angered Cubs management by lashing out at the fans,calling them racists and complaining that the OPERATION is run like a BATTLESHIP.
Bradley has had some sort of TROUBLE at each stop in his ten year career, leading some analysts to believe that he has ANTS IN THE PANTS.
Anger management classes have not seemed to help calm Bradley down who is not only having problems on the field, but also in THE GAME OF LIFE.
Sources close to the player say his animosity toward the fans stems from his perceived lack of support from them due to his focused and intense quest for PERFECTION. Fans find his angry demeanor off- putting, saying he should be as thrilled as a BARREL OF MONKEYS that he's being paid a lot of money to play the game of baseball. A job most people would kill to have.
As for now the Cubs have seen enough of Bradley's tired act and are undecided if they are going to try and trade him. Several teams with post season aspirations are acting like HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS and are already contacting the Cubs to inquire about his availability and want to gobble up his bat for the playoffs.
Winning seems to be the bottom line with most of these teams, who don't seem worried that Bradley's disruptive force, akin to a 150 mph gale force TWISTER, will rip their clubhouses apart.
Who knows? Maybe the next stop for Milton Bradley, the eighth team in ten years, will prove to be the right fit for this troubled player. SORRY, but I don't think so.
SIMON says not a chance. DD

HEADLINES FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY

MASSACHUSETTS- THE BODY OF SEN. EDWARD (TED) KENNEDY HAS BEEN PICKLED IN AN EIGHT FOOT CUSTOM MADE BOTTLE OF GORDON'S GIN AS PER HIS LAST WILL & TESTAMENT



CALIFORNIA- GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER CALLS RESIDENTS OF AREA OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DEVASTATED BY WILDFIRES WIMPS, SAYING IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO DAMAGE CAUSED DURING FILMING OF RED HEAT



MINNESOTA- BRETT FAVRE DECIDING TO ENTER POLITICS WHEN HIS FOOTBALL CAREER IS OVER, OR MAYBE NOT


NEW HAMPSHIRE- THE LEGALIZATION OF GAY MARRIAGES IN ADJOINING STATE OF VERMONT HAS NEW HAMPSHIRE REQUESTING "HOMO" SEAT BUFFER BETWEEN THE 2 STATES


NEW YORK- METS PLAYER DAVID WRIGHT RETURNS TO ACTION AFTER 2 WEEKS ON DL WITH CONCUSSION, WEARS SPECIAL SAFETY HELMET DESIGNED BY FRED FLINTSTONE PROTEGE THE GREAT GAZOO



FLORIDA- RAPPER Flo Rida DECIDES TO END LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH PROMISCUOUS EX-GIRLFRIEND AND FELLOW RAPPER, I Da HO



WASHINGTON DC- PRES. OBAMA ANGRY UPON RETURN TO WHITE HOUSE AFTER VACATIONING IN MARTHA'S VINEYARD TO FIND THAT MICHELLE LEFT SEVERAL LIGHTS ON AND THE GIRLS FORGOT TO EMPTY KITCHEN GARBAGE, LEAVING HOUSE INFESTED WITH FRUIT FLIES



PENNSYLVANIA- EAGLES QUARTERBACK DONOVAN MCNABB SUDDENLY REALIZES BEGGING OWNERSHIP TO SIGN MICHAEL VICK NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA, SINCE VICK PLAYS SAME POSITION AND WILL PROBABLY TAKE HIS JOB