PIANIST ATTACKED BY BEE'S NEST

Pieter Vanderbosch, world class pianist, had to cut short his performance at Carnegie Hall last night due to a bizarre accident. The pianist's penis was attacked by a bee's nest.  Easy for you to say.
The attack occurred near the very end of the pianist's concert, during his performance of the "Rach 3", which is the extremely difficult piece formally known as Piano Concerto No 3 in D minor by Sergei Rachmaninoff. The demanding piece is widely regarded as one of the most challenging concertos in the standard piano repertoire and one that most pianists refuse to play.
Vanderbosch was midway through when he started to shake and convulse while letting out a blood curdling scream. Audience members assumed the Rach 3 was taking its toll on the pianist, until they heard him yell, "Bees".

Somehow, a bees nest formed under the piano, and the Rach 3 stirred them up, attacking the pianist at the closest point to the nest, his crotch.

Vanderbosch is in a lot of pain, but claims he will attempt the Rach 3 again in tonight's concert, as long as the swelling in his aching member subsides.

So, in conclusion:

The bee's nest, perturbed by Pieter the pianist, pummeled his penis, preventing his piece de resistance.   DD

THE VATICAN FORGIVES THE BEATLES AFTER 40 YEARS

The Vatican forgives the Beatles. After 40 years the Catholic church finally says it's ok to listen to the music of the Beatles. The official newspaper of the Vatican, L'Osservatore Romano, had this to say, "Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels."

The Catholic church took exception to remarks John Lennon made at the height of the band's fame, claiming they were "bigger than Jesus" and "Christianity will go," Lennon told London's Evening Standard. "It will vanish and shrink ... Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me."

Rest well dear John, the church finally forgives you.

In light of recent scandals which have plagued the Catholic church, it is a head scratching move to discuss the Beatles who have been broken up for 40 years and have only 2 of the remaining Fab Four still alive.

"I didn't know they were harboring a grudge," said Paul McCartney with a wink, "I guess I'll finally be able to sleep tonight."

The Vatican newspaper goes on to say that the Beatles were initially dropped from favor by the church because of their "dissolute lifestyle and use of drugs" along with the enflammatory comments made by Lennon and their supposed satanic lyrics.

Ringo Starr was far less diplomatic is his assessment of the Vatican's new found forgiveness:

"You've got to be kidding me? An organization of kid touchers is going to forgive us? Is that what I'm hearing? Is that correct? I'll take a bloody pass on their forgiveness. I'm fairly sure they have bigger concerns than worrying about us.  I'm glad that I don't need to sell any more records at this point of my life, because the seal of approval from those perverts would surely doom our sales. John was right, he went easy on them. They don't want to hear what I have to say about them, that's for damn sure. Preaching forgiveness and tolerance, yet they condemned us immediately and took 40 years to come around. Sounds like the blokes that killed Christ, not the ones who are supposed to be spreading his bloody word. Don't get me started alright!  What's next on their agenda? Are they going to forgive Marilyn Monroe for sex out of wedlock?  Tell  those poofs to mind their own store and not worry about the rest of us. Now piss off!"

And he's the happy Beatle.
We can safely assume Mr. Starr will not be attending Sunday mass any time soon.   DD

THE DISCERNING PALATE WITH CHAUNCEY ST. BERNARD

Welcome, welcome to my trials and trevails in the unpredictable world of food tasting.  I have traveled the globe, dined with dignitaries, and savored delicacies (and occasional atrocities) from Aruba to Zimbabwe. To put it mildy, I know food.
I am, of course, Chauncey St. Bernard, but I'm sure you already knew that.
This week I attempted something different and lowered my standards (oh the horror) to sample some 'fast food'. I know what you're thinking, "dear Lord Chauncey how could such a refined and revered beacon of class and distinction stoop so low?"
Well trust me dear readers, it shan't happen again, that I can tell you.
The reason for my treasonous act was simple and innocent. Curiosity.
KFC (yes that greasy old clucker from Kentucky) has created a media blitz with its new chicken "sandwich" called the 'Double Down'. I, like many others, was curious about a breadless sandwich that consists of two boneless chicken filets filled with two types of cheese, two pieces of bacon, and a secret sauce. Intriguing.
I rubbed elbows with the common folk, they of their Walmart purchased attire and Flowbee vacuumed haircuts. A moment of weakness, one I will not be repeating any time soon.
I stepped up to the counter with perspiring brow and heavy heart, and ordered one 'Double Down' sandwich and a diet soda.
I sat down in a filthy corner table, tucked a paper napkin in my shirt collar, blessed myself, and began a frightful journey that will haunt me to my dying days (which could be any day after that "sandwich").
The saliva in my mouth immediately dried up from the enormous amount of sodium contained in the stringy chicken filets and limp bacon. I drained my soda container dry in one panicked sip, and ran screaming up to the fountain for an emergency refill. The patrons stared at me as if I were a three legged leper.

I sat back down, composed myself, and attempted another bite. This time I was prepared with drink in hand. The greasy and repulsive sandwich went through my system instantaneously, treating my intestines like a wildfire burning through a dry forest. Quick and devastating. I felt it coming, but was defenseless against its brutish force as I puckered my sphincter and made a run for the world's most disgusting bathroom. You can imagine the rest, I will spare you the gory details, suffice it to say that those clothes were promptly incinerated upon my arrival home.

I crawled up in a ball in a corner and rocked and cried myself to sleep. Col Sanders literally gave me the bird that afternoon, and my ravaged interior, and posterior for that matter, may never be the same again. If you value your health (and your dignity) please stay away from the cholesterol infused "Double Down" sandwich.

You'll thank me.
Until next time, I am as always, Chauncey St. Bernard.
Bon Appetit !

OBITUARY

Jaime Escalante, inspiration for Hollywood film "Stand and Deliver", dies at age 79

Jaime Escalante, forever immortalized by actor Edward James Olmos in the movie "Stand and Deliver", died Tuesday at his home. Escalante known as the "lazy postman" was 79.  Jaime Escalante joined the U S Postal Service in 1959 and made an immediate reputation for himself as polite, affable, well meaning, but downright lazy.
"He was such a nice guy, but geez Louise, he took a million breaks. You'd look for him and always find him sitting down somewhere on his route. Under a tree, on the lawn, on top of his truck, under someone's front porch. Anywhere but up delivering the mail. Man, Jaime hated to deliver mail, but he loved people, that's why he kept at it all those years," said Tom Corcoran, a retired co-worker.
Escalante was beloved by his customers even though most times they received their mail days or even weeks late, and some times not at all.
"You couldn't get mad at Jaime, no matter how hard you tried. He delivered bills to my house ten days after they were actually due, which ruined my credit and almost my life, but when I looked into those watery brown eyes of his I just couldn't stay mad," said Henry Bumstead.
Escalante was fired over 100 times during his 40 year career as a postal carrier, but his customers and co-workers always rallied around behind him and got him his job back.
Ironically, Escalante died of cancer, after his doctor mailed him his test results, which were found unopened in a pile of mail.
"If he would have come in as soon as we mailed him the news he might have had a chance. I don't think he ever opened his mail," said Dr. Tim Mehta.   DD

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

FOX UNVEILS ITS SLATE OF SUMMER TV SHOWS

The current tv schedule is still in full swing, but Fox has already announced its summer weeknight lineup. The summer tv season gets mucher lower ratings than the regular season which typically ends airing new shows by late May. The summer season generally tests new shows that might be slightly edgier than those shown during the regular season. This summer's Fox lineup is certainly no exception.  Here is what we have to look forward to this summer from Fox:

Mondays 8 PM-

"Oh, that Morgo"- A "wacky" comedy about a giraffe named Morgo who keeps fooling the local residents of a small midwest town into believing that he is the mayor, the town doctor, or in one case, a man's long lost wife. He doesn't speak, but does a lot of pointing and shrugging, aided by a variety of fake wigs, mustaches and hats. The case of mistaken identity always ends with the duped party shaking their fist and saying, "Oh, that Morgo!" as Morgo shrugs, removes his disguise, and winks at the camera.

(Brought to you by creator Jorge Silva, who also created the quickly canceled 2008 sitcom, "That's my gay dad".)

                                               Tuesdays 9 PM-

"Cheeto and the Thumb"-  An unlikely duo join forces to solve mysterious, unsolved criminal cases. The 2 former arch rival private investigators having used up all their resources, decide to team up in this uncoventional one hour drama that Entertainment Weekly says, "will make you forget everything you think you know about everything you think you know, and may even cause you to question the existence of God. Cheeto and the Thumb is a revelation! A+". There's not much we can add to that.

Wednesdays 10 PM-

"Two Weeks of Dick"-   Comedian, actor and frequent drug user Andy Dick will pick  families at random out of the yellow pages and move in with them for two weeks. This new reality show will follow Dick and his adopted "family" day and night to document all the planned and unplanned events that make up the life of Andy Dick. He may make the family an impromptu lavish meal while dressed as a geisha or he may be found in the pool shed out of his mind on crack, naked with a few local boy scouts. You never know with Andy Dick!

The family that is able to tolerate his antics for a solid two weeks chooses one of two envelopes. One may contain $250,000 but the other may contain Andy's toenail clippings or possibly his unpaid court and legal expenses. It's a roll of the dice!

Thursdays 8 PM-

"Food Shopping with the Stars"- each week 8 B-List "celebrities" will go food shopping for one hour with a specific list. Join "stars" such as Marla Maples (former Mrs.Trump), Danny Bonaduce(The PartridgeFamily), Kevin Federline (former Mr. Britney Spears), Charlene Tilton (Dallas), Lorenzo Lamas(??), Ron Palillo(Welcome Back Kotter) and others to see who can get all their items and save the most money in an hour. Will they buy Glad or Ziplock?? Will they choose Wonder or Pepperidge Farm?? Will they use paper or plastic?? Don't miss a minute of the gut wrenching action.
DD

VIOLENT GANG WAR BROKEN UP BY THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON ON EARTH- THE SWEET VOICE OF MICHAEL BUBLE

Compton, CA-   A gang war was averted and several lives spared when Michael Buble appeared and saved the day. The gang war was about to become bloody in the back streets of Compton when the pop singer just happened to be driving by. Buble parked his car, jumped out and used his most powerful weapon, his sweet angelic voice. The members of the warring gangs at first decided to "gut the fancy little white boy", but stopped dead in their tracks when Buble began to croon.

"I ain't never heard a voice like that before," proclaimed Tre "T-Pain" Decker, "it gave me a warm feelin inside, like a plate of homemade  butterscotch cookies that my nanna used to make me. A feelin like that you know?  Damn boy, that motherf*%#er  can sing."

By the time Buble finished singing, gang members from both sides were arm in arm swaying to the sounds of his rich velvety voice.

"That cracker is off the hook. He touched my heart today. He sure did," said Javier "Deathblow" Tavares, "I don't know why we were fighting anyway."

If Buble's voice can stop hated rivals from killing each other, then what else can be accomplished by this amazing man?

Possibly world peace?
DD

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

                Hello there, I'd like to welcome you to my movie critique section that I like to call:

                   POPCORN  WITH  "POP" KAHN

Pretty ingenius, huh, I made that up myself, I'm Herb Kahn. I've been around  movies my whole life.

My reviews and  insights have appeared in numerous publications all over the world, and now the editor of this wonderful little news outlet has hired me. Smart move.

The Academy Award nominations were announced this week, so we have a lot to discuss.
Do you realize that they now nominate 10 movies for Best Picture?  10
Have they lost their minds?  We could barely scrape together 5  worthy films in past years, and now they want to nominate 10. I don't get this business. The show is going to last 12 hours now. They'll just telecast throughout the night and announce the winner of Best Picture live on the morning news.
Maybe Matt Lauer will present it.
Movies are supposed to entertain, are they not?  I want to lose myself for 2 hours and forget my rotten life. Are you with me? Some of the choices in year's past have boggled my mind, but now, I'm at a loss.
 Let's take a look at the nominees shall we-

UP-   An animated movie for Best Picture? What gives? Didn't they create a category for animated movies so this wouldn't happen? They have no clue what they're doing over there do they. 
The plot of this movie is much like my own life. Man is married, has dreams of an exotic vacation in a South American paradise that never happens, wife dies, man decides to use helium balloons to transport house to said paradise. My life. Except replace helium balloons with heroin and you have my life. And my wife isn't dead. Yet.

PRECIOUS-  Do you think that I'm about to plunk down 10 or more bucks to watch a girl get molested by her own father? Twice!  Didn't I just say I wanted to be entertained? I can watch the six o'clock news and get my fill of despicable stuff like that. My life is depressing enough, thanks anyway.

UP IN THE AIR-  UP? UP IN THE AIR? Huh? What? Is this that same animated movie? Don't worry, I'm confused too. They have no idea in Hollywood what the hell they're doing.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS-  Is that even a word, inglourious? I'm fairly sure that basterds is spelled wrong also. Whatever, artistic license I guess. Let Tarantino do whatever he wants, he looks about 30 seconds away from opening fire on the entire room. He makes me nervous. As far as the movie-  Brad Pitt doing some crazy accent, scalping nazis. If anyone has it coming it's those damn nazis. I'm not much for gore, so this kind of stuff I can do without.
Just don't tell Tarantino what I said, if anything tell him that I said it should win Best Picture.

AN EDUCATION-  Here is a perfect example of how the Academy of Motion Pictures thinks they're so much more sophisticated than you and I. Where was this movie playing? Did you see it? Hear about it? Know anyone who has?  I know I don't. How can we decide what the best movie is when we can't watch some of them?


Alright, half way home. Do you believe they nominated 10?


AVATAR-  Isn't this another animated movie? Whatever. Gee, what an original plot. I liked it better when it was called, 'Pocohantas' or 'Dancing With Wolves' or ten million other movies with the same  beat you over the head message. 'I have more in common with my so-called enemy than I do with my own people.'   Groundbreaking stuff there Cameron.
(By the way enough of this 3D crap, my glasses are goofy enough, I don't need your cheap goggles on top of mine. I want to be comfortable for Christ sakes, I am paying money for this.)

THE BLIND SIDE-  Sandra Bullock  all tarted up, putting on some southern sass. I'm in. Feel good true life story, sounds like a winner to me. I like Sandra Bullock. I once bumped into her at a restaurant in Santa Monica, and she had me forcibly removed. But that's neither here nor there. A misunderstanding really. I don't hold a grudge, lovely woman. Lovely, lovely woman.  She smells like vanilla up close.

DISTRICT NINE-  Low budget sci fi movie made in South Africa with no recognizable actors.   Is this movie getting nominated in a year when they're picking 5 movies? Of course not. The producers of this movie are counting their lucky stars that this wasn't released the year before. Good for them. I'm pulling for them, but they don't have a prayer.

A SERIOUS MAN- Another movie that was no where to be found. Surprising because it was made by the Coen brothers. Too similar in name to A Single Man, and to be honest I don't know which is which. One is about a man who, oh what the heck, who am I kidding, I haven't seen either and neither have you. I'm not going to try and B S you.  Let's move on, this isn't winning anything.


THE HURT LOCKER- This sounds like where I change after my weekly pick-up basketball game at the local YMCA. I hope it smells better than my locker.
This is a war movie. Serious stuff.  Defusing bombs during the war in Iraq. Spine tingling stuff.  It's between this and Avatar and I predict this will win. I'm usually right about this stuff, ask my wife. She hates my guts.

Like I said, I like to be entertained. These are my favorite movies of 2009:

I LOVE YOU, MAN ( if you can make Lou Ferrigno funny, then you're doing something right)
THE HANGOVER (if you can make Mike Tyson funny, then you're really doing something right)
SHERLOCK HOLMES (A little too much fancy camera work, but entertaining nonetheless)
ZOMBIELAND (slightly scary, but very funny)
BLACK DYNAMITE (you can't go wrong with a spoof of Blaxploitation movies,well, at least I can't anyway)
THE BLIND SIDE  (I'm partial to Ms Bullock as I've explained, I may have even shed a tear or two)
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (that's right a geezer like me likes a kid's movie, so what)

Alright, that's all Pops has for you at the moment. Keep watching and renting and we'll catch up soon.