"HOW TO" WITH MR. BACKYARD ENGINEER- DEAN MAVROVITIS

This week's first letter comes from Stan in Speonk:

MR. B E-  The hitch on my trailer is completely rusted, but money's a little tight right now for me to replace it. Is there a way to get rid of the rust?

You bet there is Stan.  There is a way to take care of that nasty rust problem. There was a girl that I knew growing up, we'll call her "Blanche". That woman could get the chrome off of a bumper, if you know what I mean. Probably cost you only a few wine coolers. Just joshing of course. What you need to do is get yourself some aluminum foil, crumple it up and soak it in coca cola. Once you start rubbing it on the hitch, you'll be amazed at the amount of rust that comes off. Imagine what that cola does to your stomach. Nasty stuff. That's why I stick to bourbon.

MR. B E-   You are a blight to the neighborhood. The chemicals you use in your backyard are dangerous and toxic. My daughter rode her bike through a puddle of liquid in the street in front of your driveway and the bike disintegrated. She came home crying, holding the handlebars and her little horn. That's all that was left. You are a menace Mavrovitis. From an Enraged Neighbor

Enraged neighbor, How dare you sir! Everything used on my premises is disposed of properly and safely. I abide by all the proper town codes.  Your daughter's bike probably came apart because a clueless puke like yourself put it together. Is this the same neighbor who's been peeking through my shades at night trying to sneek a peek at my wife? I bet it is. Well, neighbor, you obviously know where I live, so why don't you stop by one of these days. Okay tough guy?

MR. B E-   Instead of purchasing one of those expensive Weber grills, I used your advice and made my own barbecue grill out of items I had  lying around my property. Thank you, it worked like a charm. I now have third degree burns over 50%  of my body and am missing 2/3 of my nose and  most of my left ear. What the hell were you thinking when you told me to use liquid oxygen?   From Charred in Charleston

 Wow, what is this pick on Dean day? Hey Charred,  I'm sorry for your unfortunate accident, but let's get something straight, I gave those instructions to someone I believed to be a man, obviously I grossly  under estimated your testosterone level. Toughen up pal, it's only skin, it grows back for Christ's sake. I warned you about the liquid oxygen, or as those in the know like to call it- LOX.  I said be careful, did I not?
I told you that an ignition source, such as a lit cigarette, must be present BEFORE pouring on the LOX. If charcoal is PRESOAKED in LOX first, an EXPLOSION will result because one briquette presoaked in LOX is approx equiv to 1 stick of dynamite. Isn't that what I said silly?  I'm sorry, Charred, but I'm not taking the blame for your ineptness. I've got enough B S going on in my life right now, trust me.

MR. B E-  We're thinking about building an extension on our home so that my mother in law can live with us. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what permits and materials I would need.
From Joe in Jersey

Joe, Joe, Joe. Sweet naive Joe.  The "materials" that you'll need for this job are as follows:

1 head full of rocks (presumably yours)
2 testicles missing (also yours)
2 overbearing women (1 there already, 1 on the way)
1 life over (that's right yours again)

I can not, and will not, assist you in this foolish endeavor.

(If you do however go through with it, make sure the room you build is poorly ventilated  and equipped with a portable propane heater. You can thank me later.)

Office Workers Try to Figure Out Who Spit in The Stairwell

Bristol, Ct-  Scandal has rocked the offices of Blanda-Gunnerson Advertising. While walking up the interior stairwell between the first and second floors, an office worker noticed a small, fresh wad of saliva left on the third stair from the top. The gruesome discovery caused quite a stir in the usually quiet offices, as co-workers tried to figure out why and how such a thing could have happened.

"I did a double take," said a visibly upset Karalyn Murray, "that can't be what I think it is, can it? But upon closer inspection it was. Someone actually spit here! Right here in the stairwell where we all have to walk! What kind of a sick monster would do such a thing?"

Speculation abounds. Most are convinced that it was not done by someone in the office, but  perhaps a delivery or cleaning person. Theories are in full swing, as the office tries to make sense of the heinous act.

"Why the heck would it be a cleaning person? That makes no sense at all. They would be the ones that would have to clean it up. Dumbest theory yet. Now, if you ask me, I think it might be that UPS guy. I could have sworn I heard him clearing his throat this morning. I think he has a cold. Too much of a coincidence if you ask me," said Ted Glumpkin.

That theory was quickly rebuffed by several other office workers, namely Barbara "Babs" Brisbane.

"Ted is way off base about the UPS guy. He's just jealous because most of the women think he's cute and flirt with him. Ted hates him. Besides, he made deliveries at ten, and the loogie was spotted before that. I think it was Ted if you ask me, he's trying to frame the poor guy."

Work came to a standstill for several hours as the discussion continued, sometimes becoming heated as the accusations began to fly.

"The spit was new, there were still bubbles in it when it was discovered, it has to be somebody in this office. It was way too fresh, it is one of you," said Judy Koppelman, as she squinted angrily at a group standing by the copy machine.

The saliva has divided the office, with former friends blaming each other, starting rumors, and wondering which one of them could be the culprit.

"I'm sick thinking about this. Physically sick. I can't believe that one of these people that I share an office with could be so disgusting. Someone that I share a water fountain with. Someone I talk about American Idol with. Someone I might have had lunch with. I'm repulsed by the whole thing. I'm ready to quit," said Murray.

As of  press time no one has come forth as the offending party, and it is highly unlikely that the spitter will  ever be found. There has been some talk of DNA testing, but both Blanda and Gunnerson have refused to pay for such tests, and have instead posted a more cost- effective 'No Spitting' sign in the stairwell.
 For now the office workers of Blanda-Gunnerson will be suspicious of each other and things may never ever be the same again.   DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

PIANIST ATTACKED BY BEE'S NEST

Pieter Vanderbosch, world class pianist, had to cut short his performance at Carnegie Hall last night due to a bizarre accident. The pianist's penis was attacked by a bee's nest.  Easy for you to say.
The attack occurred near the very end of the pianist's concert, during his performance of the "Rach 3", which is the extremely difficult piece formally known as Piano Concerto No 3 in D minor by Sergei Rachmaninoff. The demanding piece is widely regarded as one of the most challenging concertos in the standard piano repertoire and one that most pianists refuse to play.
Vanderbosch was midway through when he started to shake and convulse while letting out a blood curdling scream. Audience members assumed the Rach 3 was taking its toll on the pianist, until they heard him yell, "Bees".

Somehow, a bees nest formed under the piano, and the Rach 3 stirred them up, attacking the pianist at the closest point to the nest, his crotch.

Vanderbosch is in a lot of pain, but claims he will attempt the Rach 3 again in tonight's concert, as long as the swelling in his aching member subsides.

So, in conclusion:

The bee's nest, perturbed by Pieter the pianist, pummeled his penis, preventing his piece de resistance.   DD

THE VATICAN FORGIVES THE BEATLES AFTER 40 YEARS

The Vatican forgives the Beatles. After 40 years the Catholic church finally says it's ok to listen to the music of the Beatles. The official newspaper of the Vatican, L'Osservatore Romano, had this to say, "Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels."

The Catholic church took exception to remarks John Lennon made at the height of the band's fame, claiming they were "bigger than Jesus" and "Christianity will go," Lennon told London's Evening Standard. "It will vanish and shrink ... Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me."

Rest well dear John, the church finally forgives you.

In light of recent scandals which have plagued the Catholic church, it is a head scratching move to discuss the Beatles who have been broken up for 40 years and have only 2 of the remaining Fab Four still alive.

"I didn't know they were harboring a grudge," said Paul McCartney with a wink, "I guess I'll finally be able to sleep tonight."

The Vatican newspaper goes on to say that the Beatles were initially dropped from favor by the church because of their "dissolute lifestyle and use of drugs" along with the enflammatory comments made by Lennon and their supposed satanic lyrics.

Ringo Starr was far less diplomatic is his assessment of the Vatican's new found forgiveness:

"You've got to be kidding me? An organization of kid touchers is going to forgive us? Is that what I'm hearing? Is that correct? I'll take a bloody pass on their forgiveness. I'm fairly sure they have bigger concerns than worrying about us.  I'm glad that I don't need to sell any more records at this point of my life, because the seal of approval from those perverts would surely doom our sales. John was right, he went easy on them. They don't want to hear what I have to say about them, that's for damn sure. Preaching forgiveness and tolerance, yet they condemned us immediately and took 40 years to come around. Sounds like the blokes that killed Christ, not the ones who are supposed to be spreading his bloody word. Don't get me started alright!  What's next on their agenda? Are they going to forgive Marilyn Monroe for sex out of wedlock?  Tell  those poofs to mind their own store and not worry about the rest of us. Now piss off!"

And he's the happy Beatle.
We can safely assume Mr. Starr will not be attending Sunday mass any time soon.   DD

THE DISCERNING PALATE WITH CHAUNCEY ST. BERNARD

Welcome, welcome to my trials and trevails in the unpredictable world of food tasting.  I have traveled the globe, dined with dignitaries, and savored delicacies (and occasional atrocities) from Aruba to Zimbabwe. To put it mildy, I know food.
I am, of course, Chauncey St. Bernard, but I'm sure you already knew that.
This week I attempted something different and lowered my standards (oh the horror) to sample some 'fast food'. I know what you're thinking, "dear Lord Chauncey how could such a refined and revered beacon of class and distinction stoop so low?"
Well trust me dear readers, it shan't happen again, that I can tell you.
The reason for my treasonous act was simple and innocent. Curiosity.
KFC (yes that greasy old clucker from Kentucky) has created a media blitz with its new chicken "sandwich" called the 'Double Down'. I, like many others, was curious about a breadless sandwich that consists of two boneless chicken filets filled with two types of cheese, two pieces of bacon, and a secret sauce. Intriguing.
I rubbed elbows with the common folk, they of their Walmart purchased attire and Flowbee vacuumed haircuts. A moment of weakness, one I will not be repeating any time soon.
I stepped up to the counter with perspiring brow and heavy heart, and ordered one 'Double Down' sandwich and a diet soda.
I sat down in a filthy corner table, tucked a paper napkin in my shirt collar, blessed myself, and began a frightful journey that will haunt me to my dying days (which could be any day after that "sandwich").
The saliva in my mouth immediately dried up from the enormous amount of sodium contained in the stringy chicken filets and limp bacon. I drained my soda container dry in one panicked sip, and ran screaming up to the fountain for an emergency refill. The patrons stared at me as if I were a three legged leper.

I sat back down, composed myself, and attempted another bite. This time I was prepared with drink in hand. The greasy and repulsive sandwich went through my system instantaneously, treating my intestines like a wildfire burning through a dry forest. Quick and devastating. I felt it coming, but was defenseless against its brutish force as I puckered my sphincter and made a run for the world's most disgusting bathroom. You can imagine the rest, I will spare you the gory details, suffice it to say that those clothes were promptly incinerated upon my arrival home.

I crawled up in a ball in a corner and rocked and cried myself to sleep. Col Sanders literally gave me the bird that afternoon, and my ravaged interior, and posterior for that matter, may never be the same again. If you value your health (and your dignity) please stay away from the cholesterol infused "Double Down" sandwich.

You'll thank me.
Until next time, I am as always, Chauncey St. Bernard.
Bon Appetit !

OBITUARY

Jaime Escalante, inspiration for Hollywood film "Stand and Deliver", dies at age 79

Jaime Escalante, forever immortalized by actor Edward James Olmos in the movie "Stand and Deliver", died Tuesday at his home. Escalante known as the "lazy postman" was 79.  Jaime Escalante joined the U S Postal Service in 1959 and made an immediate reputation for himself as polite, affable, well meaning, but downright lazy.
"He was such a nice guy, but geez Louise, he took a million breaks. You'd look for him and always find him sitting down somewhere on his route. Under a tree, on the lawn, on top of his truck, under someone's front porch. Anywhere but up delivering the mail. Man, Jaime hated to deliver mail, but he loved people, that's why he kept at it all those years," said Tom Corcoran, a retired co-worker.
Escalante was beloved by his customers even though most times they received their mail days or even weeks late, and some times not at all.
"You couldn't get mad at Jaime, no matter how hard you tried. He delivered bills to my house ten days after they were actually due, which ruined my credit and almost my life, but when I looked into those watery brown eyes of his I just couldn't stay mad," said Henry Bumstead.
Escalante was fired over 100 times during his 40 year career as a postal carrier, but his customers and co-workers always rallied around behind him and got him his job back.
Ironically, Escalante died of cancer, after his doctor mailed him his test results, which were found unopened in a pile of mail.
"If he would have come in as soon as we mailed him the news he might have had a chance. I don't think he ever opened his mail," said Dr. Tim Mehta.   DD

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

FOX UNVEILS ITS SLATE OF SUMMER TV SHOWS

The current tv schedule is still in full swing, but Fox has already announced its summer weeknight lineup. The summer tv season gets mucher lower ratings than the regular season which typically ends airing new shows by late May. The summer season generally tests new shows that might be slightly edgier than those shown during the regular season. This summer's Fox lineup is certainly no exception.  Here is what we have to look forward to this summer from Fox:

Mondays 8 PM-

"Oh, that Morgo"- A "wacky" comedy about a giraffe named Morgo who keeps fooling the local residents of a small midwest town into believing that he is the mayor, the town doctor, or in one case, a man's long lost wife. He doesn't speak, but does a lot of pointing and shrugging, aided by a variety of fake wigs, mustaches and hats. The case of mistaken identity always ends with the duped party shaking their fist and saying, "Oh, that Morgo!" as Morgo shrugs, removes his disguise, and winks at the camera.

(Brought to you by creator Jorge Silva, who also created the quickly canceled 2008 sitcom, "That's my gay dad".)

                                               Tuesdays 9 PM-

"Cheeto and the Thumb"-  An unlikely duo join forces to solve mysterious, unsolved criminal cases. The 2 former arch rival private investigators having used up all their resources, decide to team up in this uncoventional one hour drama that Entertainment Weekly says, "will make you forget everything you think you know about everything you think you know, and may even cause you to question the existence of God. Cheeto and the Thumb is a revelation! A+". There's not much we can add to that.

Wednesdays 10 PM-

"Two Weeks of Dick"-   Comedian, actor and frequent drug user Andy Dick will pick  families at random out of the yellow pages and move in with them for two weeks. This new reality show will follow Dick and his adopted "family" day and night to document all the planned and unplanned events that make up the life of Andy Dick. He may make the family an impromptu lavish meal while dressed as a geisha or he may be found in the pool shed out of his mind on crack, naked with a few local boy scouts. You never know with Andy Dick!

The family that is able to tolerate his antics for a solid two weeks chooses one of two envelopes. One may contain $250,000 but the other may contain Andy's toenail clippings or possibly his unpaid court and legal expenses. It's a roll of the dice!

Thursdays 8 PM-

"Food Shopping with the Stars"- each week 8 B-List "celebrities" will go food shopping for one hour with a specific list. Join "stars" such as Marla Maples (former Mrs.Trump), Danny Bonaduce(The PartridgeFamily), Kevin Federline (former Mr. Britney Spears), Charlene Tilton (Dallas), Lorenzo Lamas(??), Ron Palillo(Welcome Back Kotter) and others to see who can get all their items and save the most money in an hour. Will they buy Glad or Ziplock?? Will they choose Wonder or Pepperidge Farm?? Will they use paper or plastic?? Don't miss a minute of the gut wrenching action.
DD