EX-SLUGGERS MIRACULOUSLY CURED OF VARIOUS AILMENTS

There is a strange phenomenon sweeping the baseball world these days, which has the medical world completely baffled. It seems that many of the great sluggers of the recent past- such illustrious names as Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmiero, to name a few- have actually seen some of their medical woes heal themselves in recent years. Doctors are at a loss to explain the mystery, which appears to be nothing less than a medical miracle.

Longtime San Francisco Giants’ equipment manager Frank Annunziata was shocked when he happened to bump into Bonds, the ex-Giant, at a recent charity golf outing in the Bay area. Upon first meeting his old teammate, he could not shake the sensation that something about him looked drastically different. “I happened to be playing in the group behind him,” Annunziata said, “and when I saw him on the first tee I couldn’t quite put my finger on what looked so unusual. By the third hole, it finally dawned on me; his head had shrunk at least three full hat sizes.” Annunziata went on to say he distinctly remembered that when Bonds was in his heyday in San Francisco, he (Bonds) would often ask for a new hat, sometimes three to four times a year, and usually requested one that was a size larger than that previously issued. “At first I was worried,” Annunziata continued, “thinking maybe it was encephalitis or something. I asked him about it one time, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he’d been reading a lot of Nietzsche lately. He seemed fine otherwise, so I just forgot about it.”

Meanwhile, trainers for the St. Louis Cardinals are mystified that McGwire, who recently returned to the club as hitting coach, seems to have completely cured himself of the back acne which plagued him throughout his career. “When Mark was still playing,” according to Cardinals’ assistant trainer Mike LaCasse, “he was constantly asking us to see if we couldn’t get a hold of the latest unguents, astringents, and ointments for him. It got so bad at one point that he was embarrassed to take his shirt off. But I saw him coming out of the shower early in spring training one day, and his back was a smooth as a baby’s bum.” When asked if he (McGwire) had discovered some sort of herbal remedy, the ex-slugger was taken aback, according to LaCasse. “All he said was ‘You mean it’s gone? I hadn’t noticed.’ Which I thought was strange, since he was obsessed with it back in his playing days.”

But the miracles don’t end there. Sosa, who insiders claim struggled for years in his attempts to grow even the scraggliest of goatees, has been spotted recently sporting a full beard, to the surprise of his ex-teammates. “We used to give him grief all the time,” ex-Cubs teammate Roy Vasquez said. “He’d try and try to grow it out, but his face back then was as smooth as Mark McGwire’s back is now. Don’t quite know what to make of that.” And Palmeiro, who once served as a pitchman for Viagra, has suddenly found himself swinging for the fences again, without the aid of the Little Blue Pill. “It’s really been quite astounding,” said Palmeiro’s wife, Mitzy. “It’s like he’s seventeen again. Every night, he’s been coming to at me like an ‘a-steroid,’ if you get my drift, wink wink. Thank God for medical miracles, is all I’ll say.”

DD (Vic Venom  reporting)

The Recession Diet

MILLIONS LOSING JOBS, LOSING HOMES…AND LOSING WEIGHT!

The recent economic meltdown has negatively impacted millions of lives around the globe. Here at home, unemployment levels have reached an 80-year high, and Americans are losing their homes to foreclosure at a record pace. Spirits are at an all-time low…and not coincidentally, so are our cholesterol levels.

Yes, it seems as though there is indeed a silver lining amidst all the darkness. Due to inordinate amounts of stress, consumer anxiety, and a simple lack of funds, Americans are dining out less, entertaining less, and generally eating less overall these days, much to the delight of cardiologists everywhere. “Things haven’t been this good since the days of the breadlines,” said Dr. Mark Rosenberg, a cardiologist affiliated with the Hospital for Special Surgery in Manhattan. “I’m seeing far fewer cases of what I like to call ‘FTOS’ Syndrome these days. You know, as in ‘Fat Tub of @%&#.’”

Dr. Kevin Luks, a prominent pediatrician with offices dotted across Rhode Island, took those sentiments one step further. “These days, even the kids are slimming down,” he said. “Once upon a time, my practice was nothing more than a parade of roly-poly little punks. But now, I’m seeing a lot less girth out of these snot-nosed little bastards, and I sincerely doubt that it’s the result of an improved exercise regimen, if you get my meaning.”

However, an informal poll of shoppers at a local Walmart showed that, while a tightening of the purse strings has indeed led to a tightening of belts, most Americans are none too pleased by the development. “Who the hell has money for snack cakes,” ranted one disgusted shopper, who identified herself only as “Milly from Philly.” “I’m just trying to keep my lights turned on,” she continued, “even if I no longer get as winded when I climb a flight of stairs.” Tanya Stubblefield, another local shopper, offered a different take. “Sure, I know times are tough, and I can see the stress taking its toll on my husband,” she said. “But I’ll tell you what, I haven’t looked forward to summer this much since I was a teenager, because I am gonna rock that bikini on the beach this year. Look out world!”

One area of consumption which has proven to be somewhat recession-proof has been alcohol consumption, which, perhaps not surprisingly, has been up 30 to 40% in some areas over the last eighteen months, according to recent studies. “But it’s not like the Dom Perignon is flying off the shelves,” cautioned Brad Green, a local liquor store owner. “It seems like all I’ve been selling are gallon jugs of Wolfschmidt Vodka, Gordon’s Gin, and I can’t even keep enough cheap Pinot Grigio in stock.” In a related story, DWI arrests in the area have tripled over the same period.

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

"HOW TO" WITH MR. BACKYARD ENGINEER- DEAN MAVROVITIS

This week's first letter comes from Stan in Speonk:

MR. B E-  The hitch on my trailer is completely rusted, but money's a little tight right now for me to replace it. Is there a way to get rid of the rust?

You bet there is Stan.  There is a way to take care of that nasty rust problem. There was a girl that I knew growing up, we'll call her "Blanche". That woman could get the chrome off of a bumper, if you know what I mean. Probably cost you only a few wine coolers. Just joshing of course. What you need to do is get yourself some aluminum foil, crumple it up and soak it in coca cola. Once you start rubbing it on the hitch, you'll be amazed at the amount of rust that comes off. Imagine what that cola does to your stomach. Nasty stuff. That's why I stick to bourbon.

MR. B E-   You are a blight to the neighborhood. The chemicals you use in your backyard are dangerous and toxic. My daughter rode her bike through a puddle of liquid in the street in front of your driveway and the bike disintegrated. She came home crying, holding the handlebars and her little horn. That's all that was left. You are a menace Mavrovitis. From an Enraged Neighbor

Enraged neighbor, How dare you sir! Everything used on my premises is disposed of properly and safely. I abide by all the proper town codes.  Your daughter's bike probably came apart because a clueless puke like yourself put it together. Is this the same neighbor who's been peeking through my shades at night trying to sneek a peek at my wife? I bet it is. Well, neighbor, you obviously know where I live, so why don't you stop by one of these days. Okay tough guy?

MR. B E-   Instead of purchasing one of those expensive Weber grills, I used your advice and made my own barbecue grill out of items I had  lying around my property. Thank you, it worked like a charm. I now have third degree burns over 50%  of my body and am missing 2/3 of my nose and  most of my left ear. What the hell were you thinking when you told me to use liquid oxygen?   From Charred in Charleston

 Wow, what is this pick on Dean day? Hey Charred,  I'm sorry for your unfortunate accident, but let's get something straight, I gave those instructions to someone I believed to be a man, obviously I grossly  under estimated your testosterone level. Toughen up pal, it's only skin, it grows back for Christ's sake. I warned you about the liquid oxygen, or as those in the know like to call it- LOX.  I said be careful, did I not?
I told you that an ignition source, such as a lit cigarette, must be present BEFORE pouring on the LOX. If charcoal is PRESOAKED in LOX first, an EXPLOSION will result because one briquette presoaked in LOX is approx equiv to 1 stick of dynamite. Isn't that what I said silly?  I'm sorry, Charred, but I'm not taking the blame for your ineptness. I've got enough B S going on in my life right now, trust me.

MR. B E-  We're thinking about building an extension on our home so that my mother in law can live with us. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what permits and materials I would need.
From Joe in Jersey

Joe, Joe, Joe. Sweet naive Joe.  The "materials" that you'll need for this job are as follows:

1 head full of rocks (presumably yours)
2 testicles missing (also yours)
2 overbearing women (1 there already, 1 on the way)
1 life over (that's right yours again)

I can not, and will not, assist you in this foolish endeavor.

(If you do however go through with it, make sure the room you build is poorly ventilated  and equipped with a portable propane heater. You can thank me later.)

Office Workers Try to Figure Out Who Spit in The Stairwell

Bristol, Ct-  Scandal has rocked the offices of Blanda-Gunnerson Advertising. While walking up the interior stairwell between the first and second floors, an office worker noticed a small, fresh wad of saliva left on the third stair from the top. The gruesome discovery caused quite a stir in the usually quiet offices, as co-workers tried to figure out why and how such a thing could have happened.

"I did a double take," said a visibly upset Karalyn Murray, "that can't be what I think it is, can it? But upon closer inspection it was. Someone actually spit here! Right here in the stairwell where we all have to walk! What kind of a sick monster would do such a thing?"

Speculation abounds. Most are convinced that it was not done by someone in the office, but  perhaps a delivery or cleaning person. Theories are in full swing, as the office tries to make sense of the heinous act.

"Why the heck would it be a cleaning person? That makes no sense at all. They would be the ones that would have to clean it up. Dumbest theory yet. Now, if you ask me, I think it might be that UPS guy. I could have sworn I heard him clearing his throat this morning. I think he has a cold. Too much of a coincidence if you ask me," said Ted Glumpkin.

That theory was quickly rebuffed by several other office workers, namely Barbara "Babs" Brisbane.

"Ted is way off base about the UPS guy. He's just jealous because most of the women think he's cute and flirt with him. Ted hates him. Besides, he made deliveries at ten, and the loogie was spotted before that. I think it was Ted if you ask me, he's trying to frame the poor guy."

Work came to a standstill for several hours as the discussion continued, sometimes becoming heated as the accusations began to fly.

"The spit was new, there were still bubbles in it when it was discovered, it has to be somebody in this office. It was way too fresh, it is one of you," said Judy Koppelman, as she squinted angrily at a group standing by the copy machine.

The saliva has divided the office, with former friends blaming each other, starting rumors, and wondering which one of them could be the culprit.

"I'm sick thinking about this. Physically sick. I can't believe that one of these people that I share an office with could be so disgusting. Someone that I share a water fountain with. Someone I talk about American Idol with. Someone I might have had lunch with. I'm repulsed by the whole thing. I'm ready to quit," said Murray.

As of  press time no one has come forth as the offending party, and it is highly unlikely that the spitter will  ever be found. There has been some talk of DNA testing, but both Blanda and Gunnerson have refused to pay for such tests, and have instead posted a more cost- effective 'No Spitting' sign in the stairwell.
 For now the office workers of Blanda-Gunnerson will be suspicious of each other and things may never ever be the same again.   DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

PIANIST ATTACKED BY BEE'S NEST

Pieter Vanderbosch, world class pianist, had to cut short his performance at Carnegie Hall last night due to a bizarre accident. The pianist's penis was attacked by a bee's nest.  Easy for you to say.
The attack occurred near the very end of the pianist's concert, during his performance of the "Rach 3", which is the extremely difficult piece formally known as Piano Concerto No 3 in D minor by Sergei Rachmaninoff. The demanding piece is widely regarded as one of the most challenging concertos in the standard piano repertoire and one that most pianists refuse to play.
Vanderbosch was midway through when he started to shake and convulse while letting out a blood curdling scream. Audience members assumed the Rach 3 was taking its toll on the pianist, until they heard him yell, "Bees".

Somehow, a bees nest formed under the piano, and the Rach 3 stirred them up, attacking the pianist at the closest point to the nest, his crotch.

Vanderbosch is in a lot of pain, but claims he will attempt the Rach 3 again in tonight's concert, as long as the swelling in his aching member subsides.

So, in conclusion:

The bee's nest, perturbed by Pieter the pianist, pummeled his penis, preventing his piece de resistance.   DD

THE VATICAN FORGIVES THE BEATLES AFTER 40 YEARS

The Vatican forgives the Beatles. After 40 years the Catholic church finally says it's ok to listen to the music of the Beatles. The official newspaper of the Vatican, L'Osservatore Romano, had this to say, "Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels."

The Catholic church took exception to remarks John Lennon made at the height of the band's fame, claiming they were "bigger than Jesus" and "Christianity will go," Lennon told London's Evening Standard. "It will vanish and shrink ... Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me."

Rest well dear John, the church finally forgives you.

In light of recent scandals which have plagued the Catholic church, it is a head scratching move to discuss the Beatles who have been broken up for 40 years and have only 2 of the remaining Fab Four still alive.

"I didn't know they were harboring a grudge," said Paul McCartney with a wink, "I guess I'll finally be able to sleep tonight."

The Vatican newspaper goes on to say that the Beatles were initially dropped from favor by the church because of their "dissolute lifestyle and use of drugs" along with the enflammatory comments made by Lennon and their supposed satanic lyrics.

Ringo Starr was far less diplomatic is his assessment of the Vatican's new found forgiveness:

"You've got to be kidding me? An organization of kid touchers is going to forgive us? Is that what I'm hearing? Is that correct? I'll take a bloody pass on their forgiveness. I'm fairly sure they have bigger concerns than worrying about us.  I'm glad that I don't need to sell any more records at this point of my life, because the seal of approval from those perverts would surely doom our sales. John was right, he went easy on them. They don't want to hear what I have to say about them, that's for damn sure. Preaching forgiveness and tolerance, yet they condemned us immediately and took 40 years to come around. Sounds like the blokes that killed Christ, not the ones who are supposed to be spreading his bloody word. Don't get me started alright!  What's next on their agenda? Are they going to forgive Marilyn Monroe for sex out of wedlock?  Tell  those poofs to mind their own store and not worry about the rest of us. Now piss off!"

And he's the happy Beatle.
We can safely assume Mr. Starr will not be attending Sunday mass any time soon.   DD

THE DISCERNING PALATE WITH CHAUNCEY ST. BERNARD

Welcome, welcome to my trials and trevails in the unpredictable world of food tasting.  I have traveled the globe, dined with dignitaries, and savored delicacies (and occasional atrocities) from Aruba to Zimbabwe. To put it mildy, I know food.
I am, of course, Chauncey St. Bernard, but I'm sure you already knew that.
This week I attempted something different and lowered my standards (oh the horror) to sample some 'fast food'. I know what you're thinking, "dear Lord Chauncey how could such a refined and revered beacon of class and distinction stoop so low?"
Well trust me dear readers, it shan't happen again, that I can tell you.
The reason for my treasonous act was simple and innocent. Curiosity.
KFC (yes that greasy old clucker from Kentucky) has created a media blitz with its new chicken "sandwich" called the 'Double Down'. I, like many others, was curious about a breadless sandwich that consists of two boneless chicken filets filled with two types of cheese, two pieces of bacon, and a secret sauce. Intriguing.
I rubbed elbows with the common folk, they of their Walmart purchased attire and Flowbee vacuumed haircuts. A moment of weakness, one I will not be repeating any time soon.
I stepped up to the counter with perspiring brow and heavy heart, and ordered one 'Double Down' sandwich and a diet soda.
I sat down in a filthy corner table, tucked a paper napkin in my shirt collar, blessed myself, and began a frightful journey that will haunt me to my dying days (which could be any day after that "sandwich").
The saliva in my mouth immediately dried up from the enormous amount of sodium contained in the stringy chicken filets and limp bacon. I drained my soda container dry in one panicked sip, and ran screaming up to the fountain for an emergency refill. The patrons stared at me as if I were a three legged leper.

I sat back down, composed myself, and attempted another bite. This time I was prepared with drink in hand. The greasy and repulsive sandwich went through my system instantaneously, treating my intestines like a wildfire burning through a dry forest. Quick and devastating. I felt it coming, but was defenseless against its brutish force as I puckered my sphincter and made a run for the world's most disgusting bathroom. You can imagine the rest, I will spare you the gory details, suffice it to say that those clothes were promptly incinerated upon my arrival home.

I crawled up in a ball in a corner and rocked and cried myself to sleep. Col Sanders literally gave me the bird that afternoon, and my ravaged interior, and posterior for that matter, may never be the same again. If you value your health (and your dignity) please stay away from the cholesterol infused "Double Down" sandwich.

You'll thank me.
Until next time, I am as always, Chauncey St. Bernard.
Bon Appetit !