ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

   URINAL CAKE ANNOUNCES FIRST LEG OF TOUR

Grammy-winning death-metal trio Urinal Cake, fresh off the critical and commercial success of their groundbreaking album, You’re a Peein’ Union, today announced the first ten dates of their You’re a Peein’ Tour. The dates are as follows:

Monday, June 28: Dingleberry Downs, KOSOVO

Wednesday, June 30: Franz Fleishwolff Field, BULGARIA

Thursday, July 1: The One Coliseum Inn, LUXEMBOURG

Sunday, July 4:  Stadium de How She Likes It, LIECHTENSTEIN

Tuesday, July 6: PissPottPark, POLAND

Friday, July 9: Baron Mikel Scicluna Stadium, MALTA

Tuesday, July 13: Monty Hall, MONTENEGRO

Thursday, July 15: Rufus del Fuego Coliseo, PORTUGAL

Sunday, July 18: L’Arc de Archduke, BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA

Tuesday, July 20: Club Thanksgiving, TURKEY

Warming up for the band on all of the above dates will be the avant garde synth-pop septet Tsunami Tourist Trap. Plenty of good seats available for all shows. In early August, the band will kick off their tour of the war-torn Middle Eastern and Russian caucuses, stopping in Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, and numerous other countries ending in “-stan.” They are not, however, expected to play their hit single, Anwar Sadat Has an Open Mind on this leg of the tour. Opening for these dates will be internationally renowned quadruple amputee “Stump the Band.”

Visit their website at www.bewarethesplashback.com for more information

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

TIRED OF BEING HATED, MONDAY DEMANDS A SWITCH WITH FRIDAY

Everybody hates Monday and Monday is well aware of it. It's tired of being the most dreaded day of the week, and to prove just how fed up,  it hired a top notch law firm to represent it.

"I am sick and tired of all the negativity that surrounds me. It's so unfair, so, so, unfair," said a visibly upset Monday through sobs and gasps.

The most popular day of the week is Saturday (39%), followed closely by Friday (35%), and then Sunday (18%) rounding out the top 3. The rest of the days then drop off severely after that, with Thursday (5%) a distant 4th, followed by Wednesday (2%) and Tuesday (1%).
Monday is barely a blip on the radar when it comes to popular days of the week, and in fact wouldn't even be a blip without Monday night football. Monday's legal team wants to change this miserable perception of their client.

"Monday has been wronged, and this is our chance to fix it. Monday is not a bad day. Not a bad day at all. Several Holidays fall on Monday, like Memorial Day and Labor Day, and every 7 years or so it also gets Christmas and New Year's Day. And yet, even with that, people still loathe my client. What does this poor day have to do to appease you people?" said M. Mark Isenblatt, attorney for Monday.

Monday's reputation has seriously affected its confidence and is considering dropping out of the 7 day rotation all together unless some immediate changes are made.

"Everyone hates me, well, I hate Friday. How about that? Saturday can also go to hell. Those two have it easy. Two smug little jerks if you ask me. But then again nobody asks me do they? I'm the loathsome day that everyone despises. Well guess what, I like me. My mother likes me. Even Tuesday likes me, but that's probably not a good defense, because without me Tuesday would be public enemy #1 instead of me. But, I'll take it anyway because the list of my supporters is very short," said a dejected Monday.

U S Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, feels that the case has some validity, but would hate to see Monday go through a long, drawn out, well publicized trial.

"I happen to be a big fan of Monday, I enjoy my work and look forward to Monday. You may roll your eyes at that, but I'm not alone. I'd hate to see Monday go through a televised trial, where many of Monday's skeletons will be dragged out of the closet and put on public display. It could get ugly, and I personally, do not want to see it, or have to render a verdict on it. Hopefully, a concession can be reached, so that Monday can retain a modicum of dignity. Perhaps offering to name a restaurant chain after it, TGIM. That sounds like a good start," said Ginsburg.

We have to wait to find out the fate of Monday, but for now, it will have to keep its chin up and lead off the work week, whether it likes it or not.

"Maybe we can move Friday's happy hour to me, and then Tuesday will be as hated as I am. Something must be done, I can't go on like this!" said Monday.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

AL GORE DECIDES HIS MARRIAGE CONTRIBUTED TO GLOBAL WARMING, SEPARATES FROM WIFE

TN-  Former Vice President Al Gore is serious about global warming, so much so, that he has cited his marriage as a potential cause. After 40 years of marriage Gore has decided to call it quits with his wife Tipper, mere months after celebrating their wedding anniversary.
Gore believes that his red hot love making has killed plants, trees and even wildlife in the area near his farm in Tennessee. He even speculates that he and Tipper are partly to blame for a hole in the ozone.

"Our love making is legendary, and I apologize for that. I apologize to all Americans, and in fact, apologize to the world. Tipper and I have made love all over the world, putting millions of lives in serious jeopardy. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Irresponsible behavior on my part. Please forgive me planet earth," said Gore at a news conference.
The news has polarized the scientific community. Some calling Gore's statements ridiculous, while others find some credence in his theory.

"I was attending a conference in Geneva, and was jarred awake by disturbing shrieking sounds, like a wolf being crushed inside a garbage truck. Soon after my microwave burst into flames and all the plants in my room wilted. I looked out of my window and saw a haze surrounding the moon. There on a blanket in the middle of the courtyard were the Gores, naked and exhausted. A horrible, horrible sight. One that is forever burned into my memory," said Prof. Harold Brueggemann, " yes, I put stock in Al Gore's theory."

Some politicians are catagorizing Gore's separartion from his wife as smoke and mirrors, trying to gain new momentum for his stance on global warming and climate control which has taken several hits over the past few years as nonsense from meteorologists,ecologists and various scientists.

"Isn't this the plot of that lousy Will Smith movie from a few years ago, Hancock, where Smith and Charlize Theron had to stay far apart because they created too much energy when they got near each other. Something like that. So, I guess Al Gore is assuming the role of a super human force. That ego of his knows no bounds does it?" said Sen. Joseph Lieberman.

Whatever the reason, the Gore's 40 year union seems to have come to an abrupt end, and the news shows, tabloids, and talking heads will have a field day dissecting the whole thing.

For now, it seems that some plant life and perhaps  even the ozone are safe for the time being. Until, that is, Mr. Gore  starts to get horny.

God help the planet then.

DD  (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

EX-SLUGGERS MIRACULOUSLY CURED OF VARIOUS AILMENTS

There is a strange phenomenon sweeping the baseball world these days, which has the medical world completely baffled. It seems that many of the great sluggers of the recent past- such illustrious names as Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmiero, to name a few- have actually seen some of their medical woes heal themselves in recent years. Doctors are at a loss to explain the mystery, which appears to be nothing less than a medical miracle.

Longtime San Francisco Giants’ equipment manager Frank Annunziata was shocked when he happened to bump into Bonds, the ex-Giant, at a recent charity golf outing in the Bay area. Upon first meeting his old teammate, he could not shake the sensation that something about him looked drastically different. “I happened to be playing in the group behind him,” Annunziata said, “and when I saw him on the first tee I couldn’t quite put my finger on what looked so unusual. By the third hole, it finally dawned on me; his head had shrunk at least three full hat sizes.” Annunziata went on to say he distinctly remembered that when Bonds was in his heyday in San Francisco, he (Bonds) would often ask for a new hat, sometimes three to four times a year, and usually requested one that was a size larger than that previously issued. “At first I was worried,” Annunziata continued, “thinking maybe it was encephalitis or something. I asked him about it one time, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he’d been reading a lot of Nietzsche lately. He seemed fine otherwise, so I just forgot about it.”

Meanwhile, trainers for the St. Louis Cardinals are mystified that McGwire, who recently returned to the club as hitting coach, seems to have completely cured himself of the back acne which plagued him throughout his career. “When Mark was still playing,” according to Cardinals’ assistant trainer Mike LaCasse, “he was constantly asking us to see if we couldn’t get a hold of the latest unguents, astringents, and ointments for him. It got so bad at one point that he was embarrassed to take his shirt off. But I saw him coming out of the shower early in spring training one day, and his back was a smooth as a baby’s bum.” When asked if he (McGwire) had discovered some sort of herbal remedy, the ex-slugger was taken aback, according to LaCasse. “All he said was ‘You mean it’s gone? I hadn’t noticed.’ Which I thought was strange, since he was obsessed with it back in his playing days.”

But the miracles don’t end there. Sosa, who insiders claim struggled for years in his attempts to grow even the scraggliest of goatees, has been spotted recently sporting a full beard, to the surprise of his ex-teammates. “We used to give him grief all the time,” ex-Cubs teammate Roy Vasquez said. “He’d try and try to grow it out, but his face back then was as smooth as Mark McGwire’s back is now. Don’t quite know what to make of that.” And Palmeiro, who once served as a pitchman for Viagra, has suddenly found himself swinging for the fences again, without the aid of the Little Blue Pill. “It’s really been quite astounding,” said Palmeiro’s wife, Mitzy. “It’s like he’s seventeen again. Every night, he’s been coming to at me like an ‘a-steroid,’ if you get my drift, wink wink. Thank God for medical miracles, is all I’ll say.”

DD (Vic Venom  reporting)

The Recession Diet

MILLIONS LOSING JOBS, LOSING HOMES…AND LOSING WEIGHT!

The recent economic meltdown has negatively impacted millions of lives around the globe. Here at home, unemployment levels have reached an 80-year high, and Americans are losing their homes to foreclosure at a record pace. Spirits are at an all-time low…and not coincidentally, so are our cholesterol levels.

Yes, it seems as though there is indeed a silver lining amidst all the darkness. Due to inordinate amounts of stress, consumer anxiety, and a simple lack of funds, Americans are dining out less, entertaining less, and generally eating less overall these days, much to the delight of cardiologists everywhere. “Things haven’t been this good since the days of the breadlines,” said Dr. Mark Rosenberg, a cardiologist affiliated with the Hospital for Special Surgery in Manhattan. “I’m seeing far fewer cases of what I like to call ‘FTOS’ Syndrome these days. You know, as in ‘Fat Tub of @%&#.’”

Dr. Kevin Luks, a prominent pediatrician with offices dotted across Rhode Island, took those sentiments one step further. “These days, even the kids are slimming down,” he said. “Once upon a time, my practice was nothing more than a parade of roly-poly little punks. But now, I’m seeing a lot less girth out of these snot-nosed little bastards, and I sincerely doubt that it’s the result of an improved exercise regimen, if you get my meaning.”

However, an informal poll of shoppers at a local Walmart showed that, while a tightening of the purse strings has indeed led to a tightening of belts, most Americans are none too pleased by the development. “Who the hell has money for snack cakes,” ranted one disgusted shopper, who identified herself only as “Milly from Philly.” “I’m just trying to keep my lights turned on,” she continued, “even if I no longer get as winded when I climb a flight of stairs.” Tanya Stubblefield, another local shopper, offered a different take. “Sure, I know times are tough, and I can see the stress taking its toll on my husband,” she said. “But I’ll tell you what, I haven’t looked forward to summer this much since I was a teenager, because I am gonna rock that bikini on the beach this year. Look out world!”

One area of consumption which has proven to be somewhat recession-proof has been alcohol consumption, which, perhaps not surprisingly, has been up 30 to 40% in some areas over the last eighteen months, according to recent studies. “But it’s not like the Dom Perignon is flying off the shelves,” cautioned Brad Green, a local liquor store owner. “It seems like all I’ve been selling are gallon jugs of Wolfschmidt Vodka, Gordon’s Gin, and I can’t even keep enough cheap Pinot Grigio in stock.” In a related story, DWI arrests in the area have tripled over the same period.

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

"HOW TO" WITH MR. BACKYARD ENGINEER- DEAN MAVROVITIS

This week's first letter comes from Stan in Speonk:

MR. B E-  The hitch on my trailer is completely rusted, but money's a little tight right now for me to replace it. Is there a way to get rid of the rust?

You bet there is Stan.  There is a way to take care of that nasty rust problem. There was a girl that I knew growing up, we'll call her "Blanche". That woman could get the chrome off of a bumper, if you know what I mean. Probably cost you only a few wine coolers. Just joshing of course. What you need to do is get yourself some aluminum foil, crumple it up and soak it in coca cola. Once you start rubbing it on the hitch, you'll be amazed at the amount of rust that comes off. Imagine what that cola does to your stomach. Nasty stuff. That's why I stick to bourbon.

MR. B E-   You are a blight to the neighborhood. The chemicals you use in your backyard are dangerous and toxic. My daughter rode her bike through a puddle of liquid in the street in front of your driveway and the bike disintegrated. She came home crying, holding the handlebars and her little horn. That's all that was left. You are a menace Mavrovitis. From an Enraged Neighbor

Enraged neighbor, How dare you sir! Everything used on my premises is disposed of properly and safely. I abide by all the proper town codes.  Your daughter's bike probably came apart because a clueless puke like yourself put it together. Is this the same neighbor who's been peeking through my shades at night trying to sneek a peek at my wife? I bet it is. Well, neighbor, you obviously know where I live, so why don't you stop by one of these days. Okay tough guy?

MR. B E-   Instead of purchasing one of those expensive Weber grills, I used your advice and made my own barbecue grill out of items I had  lying around my property. Thank you, it worked like a charm. I now have third degree burns over 50%  of my body and am missing 2/3 of my nose and  most of my left ear. What the hell were you thinking when you told me to use liquid oxygen?   From Charred in Charleston

 Wow, what is this pick on Dean day? Hey Charred,  I'm sorry for your unfortunate accident, but let's get something straight, I gave those instructions to someone I believed to be a man, obviously I grossly  under estimated your testosterone level. Toughen up pal, it's only skin, it grows back for Christ's sake. I warned you about the liquid oxygen, or as those in the know like to call it- LOX.  I said be careful, did I not?
I told you that an ignition source, such as a lit cigarette, must be present BEFORE pouring on the LOX. If charcoal is PRESOAKED in LOX first, an EXPLOSION will result because one briquette presoaked in LOX is approx equiv to 1 stick of dynamite. Isn't that what I said silly?  I'm sorry, Charred, but I'm not taking the blame for your ineptness. I've got enough B S going on in my life right now, trust me.

MR. B E-  We're thinking about building an extension on our home so that my mother in law can live with us. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what permits and materials I would need.
From Joe in Jersey

Joe, Joe, Joe. Sweet naive Joe.  The "materials" that you'll need for this job are as follows:

1 head full of rocks (presumably yours)
2 testicles missing (also yours)
2 overbearing women (1 there already, 1 on the way)
1 life over (that's right yours again)

I can not, and will not, assist you in this foolish endeavor.

(If you do however go through with it, make sure the room you build is poorly ventilated  and equipped with a portable propane heater. You can thank me later.)

Office Workers Try to Figure Out Who Spit in The Stairwell

Bristol, Ct-  Scandal has rocked the offices of Blanda-Gunnerson Advertising. While walking up the interior stairwell between the first and second floors, an office worker noticed a small, fresh wad of saliva left on the third stair from the top. The gruesome discovery caused quite a stir in the usually quiet offices, as co-workers tried to figure out why and how such a thing could have happened.

"I did a double take," said a visibly upset Karalyn Murray, "that can't be what I think it is, can it? But upon closer inspection it was. Someone actually spit here! Right here in the stairwell where we all have to walk! What kind of a sick monster would do such a thing?"

Speculation abounds. Most are convinced that it was not done by someone in the office, but  perhaps a delivery or cleaning person. Theories are in full swing, as the office tries to make sense of the heinous act.

"Why the heck would it be a cleaning person? That makes no sense at all. They would be the ones that would have to clean it up. Dumbest theory yet. Now, if you ask me, I think it might be that UPS guy. I could have sworn I heard him clearing his throat this morning. I think he has a cold. Too much of a coincidence if you ask me," said Ted Glumpkin.

That theory was quickly rebuffed by several other office workers, namely Barbara "Babs" Brisbane.

"Ted is way off base about the UPS guy. He's just jealous because most of the women think he's cute and flirt with him. Ted hates him. Besides, he made deliveries at ten, and the loogie was spotted before that. I think it was Ted if you ask me, he's trying to frame the poor guy."

Work came to a standstill for several hours as the discussion continued, sometimes becoming heated as the accusations began to fly.

"The spit was new, there were still bubbles in it when it was discovered, it has to be somebody in this office. It was way too fresh, it is one of you," said Judy Koppelman, as she squinted angrily at a group standing by the copy machine.

The saliva has divided the office, with former friends blaming each other, starting rumors, and wondering which one of them could be the culprit.

"I'm sick thinking about this. Physically sick. I can't believe that one of these people that I share an office with could be so disgusting. Someone that I share a water fountain with. Someone I talk about American Idol with. Someone I might have had lunch with. I'm repulsed by the whole thing. I'm ready to quit," said Murray.

As of  press time no one has come forth as the offending party, and it is highly unlikely that the spitter will  ever be found. There has been some talk of DNA testing, but both Blanda and Gunnerson have refused to pay for such tests, and have instead posted a more cost- effective 'No Spitting' sign in the stairwell.
 For now the office workers of Blanda-Gunnerson will be suspicious of each other and things may never ever be the same again.   DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)