WHITE TEACHER ATTEMPTS TO USE RAP LYRICS TO TEACH STUDENTS

Lexington, Ky-  Mr. Ernest Jurgens, an english teacher at Lafayette High School in Lexington, Kentucky, has a new topic this semester in his English Lit class. Mr.Jurgens, who tries to keep his finger on the pulse of pop culture in order to connect with his students, is attempting to teach and analyze rap lyrics with his students.

"I'm down, yo, with the lingo," mused Mr. Jurgens, in the extremely uncomfortable way a 48 yr old white man sounds when trying to act hip.

"I know what's cool, I was a teenager once too, you know," said Jurgens, "if I think outside the box, it will interest the kids, and BOOYAH, we've got some learnin' goin' on in this shizzle."

When asked what a shizzle was, Jurgens shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "it's all relative, nobody quite knows what most of these words mean, in this case I'm assuming shizzle to mean my classroom. You see, I'm speaking to them just like they speak to each other. I'm breaking ground here, be-yotch."

Jurgens first class of the day Monday morning was asked to analyze lyrics from the Eminem song, 'Love the way you lie', as read by the teacher in a cringe- inducing attempt to sound ghetto-

"I told you this was my fault, look me in the eyeball,
Next time I'm pissed I'll lay my fist at the dry wall,
Next time, there won't be no next time,
I apologize even though I know it's lies,
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back,
I know I'm a liar, If she ever tries to f#*%in' leave again,
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."

Jurgens, tucking his shirt back in his pants after getting all worked up, asked for volunteers to analyze "this modern day urban poem" as he called it.

The students, doing their best not to laugh, looked around at each other until one brave student raised his hand.

"I think,  he has a really bad temper, and he, um, hits his girlfriend, and I guess lies about it," said the student.

"That's right Kyle, or better yet, fo shizzle my nizzle. He is angry with his girlfriend, or ho, and gets physical with her and, yes, then he lies. But to whom? Her? The authorities? Himself?" Maybe a little of all three, huh, Kyle," said Jurgens with a smug look on his face.

Jurgens next tackled the Jay-Z song, '99 Problems'-

"If your havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
(dramatic pause by Mr. Jurgens, as he put on a Yankees cap and turned it to the side)
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe

 got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."

"Who is going to tell us, what some of the problems are facing this young man, or should I say, gangsta?" asked Jurgens.

A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "I think he grew up poor, and now he has money, so people want to shoot him or something."

"That's right, Brittany, very good. He's dealing with jealousy from other young men, who, perhaps are still living in poverty, or the 'hood'.  He's also dealing with violence, racism, and negative stereotypes, but apparently he has no problems finding women, because the bitch ain't one. Anyone else have anything to add?"

The class was silent.

After the class was dimissed, Jurgens was aked why he chose to dissect rap songs for his English class.

"I'm trying to keep them interested, there's only so much Shakespeare and Dickens that a teen mind can tolerate, it's boring to them. Heck, it's boring to me as well, I've been teaching the same damn books for 25 years. I've always found music to be the common ground that bridges the generation gap, so I mix it in. This year it's rap, yo," said Jurgens attempting to pose with arms folded," wait until they see the song that I picked for the mid-term, 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-lot. That song is rich with subtle nuances and playful double entendres. Let's see what kind of essays the kids can come up with for that one.  I can't wait, it'll be off the hook."

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

MUPPETS GET HORNY AFTER KATY PERRY'S APPEARANCE

Sesame Street-  Katy Perry's appearance did not air on Sesame Street, as producers deemed her attire inappropriate for the 'Sesame Street image'.



The singer's sexy outfit, while much more subdued than her usual attire, seems to have caused quite a reaction with several of the muppets.

Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, even Oscar the Grouch have all been acting erratically since the Katy Perry guest spot, especially around women.

"I can't even walk down the street without getting catcalls and comments from some of them lately. I expect that from Cookie, he's as horny as they come, but I'm shocked that Elmo is acting this way. I always thought he was gay," said Abby Cadabby.

Things came to a head yesterday, when Tyra Banks made a surprise visit to Sesame Street. The sight of the beautiful model and talk show host in skin tight jeans turned some of the muppets into uncontrollable libidinous creatures.

"Elmo suddenly has weird feeling in area below Elmo's stomach. Elmo first felt like this when singing with pretty Katy Perry. Elmo's fur is getting tight. Elmo must have you Tyra Banks," shrieked Elmo in his high pitched falsetto, as he pounced on Banks, kissing her ears and neck.

"Me make love to you woman! Me so horny! Ummm numm numm numm," joined in Cookie Monster, "you make me want to change my name to Nookie Monster."

"Bring her over here, I want to get her in the can," bellowed Oscar the Grouch.

Grover was removing his 'Super Grover' cape and helmet, and was about to join the furry orgy, when luckily, Bob McGrath, Luis, and several members of the crew were able to intervene before any damage was done.

"In over 40 years, I can assure you, I've never seen them act this way before," said a confused Bob McGrath, "we've had plenty of nice women of the program before, but none have aroused the muppets quite like this. I guess that Katy Perry appearance really stirred them up. Poor timing on Tyra's part, I guess we should have had Joan Rivers or Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan on, I doubt the muppets would have attacked either of them."

Order has been temporarily restored to the one time "safest street in America". Several of the muppets are undergoing counselling, and one muppet in particular, Cookie Monster, has been placed in a clinic for Sexual Addicts.
For now, the producers are sticking with guests who are less likely to evoke such strong reactions from the cast.
"Bob Costas, Ellen DeGeneres, Howie Mandel, these types of personalities. We'll play it safe, for now. I don't think booking Sofia Vergara from the show 'Modern Family' is such a good idea at this time," said a producer, "that woman might cause a relapse in some of them, especially Cookie."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

DISCARDED PLASTIC BAG STUCK IN TREE WAS IMPORTANT, ONCE

New Paltz, NY-  A white plastic bag stuck high on a tree limb tries to pass the time by thinking about memories from a not so distant past. A past when it was important and actually served a purpose.

"I came home with them [the Prescott family] from Mega mart, and I was a valuable member of their family for quite some time. I was the one that carried Cassie's art project to school, and Mrs. P told her, 'honey please bring home that bag'. And she did," said the bag.

"I was the holder of little Teddy's stained underwear when he had the accident at the park. Poor, embarrassed little Teddy, I saved the day," remembered the bag, as its voice was reduced to a saddened whisper.

The bag has been stuck in the tree for the last 2 weeks, and knows that the fall season brings much heavier winds.

"The winds are really starting to pick up. This is going to end in one of 2 ways," said the bag, "either a strong wind carries me right off this branch to freedom or, gulp, I get ripped apart and become several pieces of plastic blowing all around. Obviously I'm rooting against the latter."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

RANDY QUAID AND WIFE ARRESTED AS SQUATTERS

Montecito, Ca-  Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested this week as trespassers in a home that they no longer own. Allegedly, the Quaids caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Montecito, California home, breaking expensive mirrors and replacing them with pictures of themselves. According to court documents, the Quaids sold their former home to a movie studio exec named Bruce Berman, back in 1991.
Why, almost 20 years later, the Quaids suddenly believe this home to be magically back in their ownership is anyone's guess.
It does, however, follow a bizarre pattern the couple has undertaken in the past decade or so:

2000- Randy Quaid stormed behind the counter of a local pizzeria in Santa Barbara demanding free spaghetti and meatballs, claiming that he sold the owner of the restaurant ten dozen tomatoes grown on his property that he was never compensated for.
"This goddamn sketty sauce was made with my goddamn pa-matoes, and me and the missus are sure as hell gonna have some!" screamed Quaid to a basically empty restaurant, "my goddamn pa-matoes. Did you hear me? If you stiff a Quaid you'd better expect to pay the piper."
The owner of the restaurant, Luigi Pantangelo, tried to placate the outraged Quaid by giving him a free pot of spaghetti and meatballs to make him go away.
"I dunno who a this nutjob is, and I a don't care. I want him outta my pizzeria. Bad for business to have a nutjob like a this screaming. I buy a my tomatoes from a da same company I buy all a my produce. Why I'm gonna buy a tomatoes from some nutjob? From a his backyard? Getta the hell outta my store."

2003- While shopping in Beverly Hills, the Quaids came across a miniature collie tied to a parking meter outside of a clothing store. Evi Quaid untied the leash and the couple walked with the dog while they continued their window shopping. The frantic owner came out of the store and chased the Quaids down the street. The dog's owner, Roz Silverstein, confronted the Quaids and demanded her dog back.
Randy Quaid told Silverstein to "get bent" and refused to return the animal.
"Where I come from, whatever you put at the curb is considered unwanted by the person that put it there. If we put an old chair at the curb, have at it. If we put an unwanted rug at the curb, enjoy it. Do you see what I'm saying? Same theory applies here, as far as I'm concerned. You put a nice little poochie at the curb, someone's gonna take it. And  guess what? We did. Evi wanted it, so, that as they say, is that," said Quaid to the crowd that had gathered around. Beverly Hills police arrived and immediately made the Quaids return the dog to Silverstein. A publicist for Quaid released a brief statement saying the incident was just a minor misunderstanding.

2005-  Quaid accosts an 11 yr old boy riding a red Schwinn bicycle down Bear Valley Pkwy in Escondido, Ca. Quaid determines that this is the same bicycle that was stolen from him 40 years prior. The fact that Quaid grew up in Houston, Texas and this was Escondido, Ca, did not seem to faze the actor, nor did the fact that this was a new bike, obviously not 40 years old.
"You can try and change things, hell, you can replace every single part on the bike, which is obviously what they did, but I know what I know. I'd know that ol' Sting-Ray from a mile away, I loved that goddamn bike. You can't fool a Quaid. We're reunited and it feels so good."
The bike was, in fact, a Sting Ray, which had been discontinued for more than 30 years, and had just returned to the market in 2004.  The style of the bike was totally updated from that of its predecessor, but Quaid was undeterred in his belief that this was his old bike. He pushed the young boy to the ground and hopped onto the 20" juvenile bike, whose frame immediately bent under the weight of the 260 lb Quaid.
"They ruined my old Sting-Ray! Ruined her! They changed everything! Why? Why? Why?" sobbed Quaid.
Quaid settled out of court on an undisclosed amount with the family of the young boy.

The list of incidents goes on and on, and are much too numerous to list here.

In a day and age when people such as Joaquin Phoenix are pretending to have lost their minds and are trying to dupe an unsuspecting audience, it is refreshing to see the antics of a celebrity who actually is crazy. There are no cameras following around Randy Quaid to document these acts of insanity, and for that we can only say, 'Thank You'.  Keep making us smile big fella.

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

OHIO MAN LAMENTS LACK OF VOWELS

Shaker Heights, OH- Zbygniew Khrystich, a machinist at nearby Smithson Industries, is a first generation American of Polish-Russian descent who has made his hard-working, immigrant parents proud. A respected union leader and local zoning board member, he and his wife, Elena, are also the proud parents of two teenage daughters, the eldest of which is beginning her sophomore year at Cleveland State this fall. The 52-year old (who could easily pass for a man ten years younger) enjoys a round of golf every Sunday after Mass, weather permitting, with the same three friends he’s known since high school, and their families often vacation together come wintertime. In many ways, he is the personification of the American dream…and yet, he is unhappy.

“For most of my life,” Khrystich explained,” I was plagued by the notion that something was missing from my life, and I’d never know true happiness until I found what it was.” It was only recently, after some sessions with a therapist, that Khrystich began to suspect that the source of his unhappiness: his own name.

“We have a large Italian community here,” he continued, “and when I’d see some of those names- Aiello, Napolitano, Esposito- I would feel a strange sense of unease, as though they were members of a fraternity that would never accept the likes of me.” But Khrystich credits Dr. Shlomo Mendelbaum, his psychologist, with helping him unlock the mystery. “Now I know that it is my deep-rooted envy of their melodious, vowel-enriched names that has made me unhappy all these years.”

“Ziggy, as I like to call him,” explains Dr. Mendelbaum, “has harbored such deep resentment all these years toward these people, despite their outward kindness and acceptance of him in the community as one of their own.” Even his wife, Elena, by all accounts a devoted wife and loving mother, has stirred his sense of unrest. “She has more vowels in her name than consonants,” Dr. Mendelbaum explained. “It’s almost unfair.”

Further complicating the matter is the fact that Khrystich’s parents, Thaddeusz and Ludzmilla, are alive and well and living nearby, and would be horrified if their beloved Zbygniew attempted to distance himself from his ancestry. “Every Christmas it’s the same- pierogies and borscht, pierogies and borscht,” Khrystich continued, becoming more animated. “Do you have any idea what that looks like when it’s all on the same plate? I’m tired of food that looks like something hacked up by a bulimic Cossack. Christ, I’d give my left nut for a lousy slice of turkey.”

But Dr. Helmut Dinckelacker, another local psychologist who once treated Khrystich, begs to differ. “I don’t think it is ze lack of vowels,” he explained in his heavily accented English, “so much as it is ze abundance of consonants zat is ze problem. I suggested to him zat perhaps he drop an ‘h’ or two from ze surname, or maybe even change ze ‘y’s’ to ‘i’s’, but he just called me an idiot and stormed out.” Dr. Dinckelacker then shook his head and sighed. “Without even paying ze bill, I might add.”

When asked for a reply to Dr. Dinckelacker’s comments, Dr. Mendelbaum was unimpressed. “Oh, please. That quack is clueless; his patients never stop calling me. In fact, I’m thinking of naming the 3,000 square foot extension I’m building on my house ‘The Dinckelacker Wing,’ with all the business I’ve gotten from him over the years.”

Khrystich, for his part, seems resigned to his fate. “Well, Dad just had a checkup, and his cholesterol’s lower than mine, so it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” he said with a sigh. “And both of Mom’s parents lived well into their nineties, so it looks like I’m stuck for now. But once they kick, you’ll be able to find me in the Yellow Pages under ‘Alopecia Areata.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

ACCORDING TO HER FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE- TAMMY COLLINS IS SO PSYCHED ABOUT CALLING IN SICK AND HITTING THE BEACH TODAY

Tammy Collins updated her Facebook status to let everyone know her plans to call in sick to work and head to the beach.




Miss Collins's history of giving out too much information on her status updates have become legendary, and have usually resulted in some sort of backlash against her.


The following are samples of some of her posts over the past year:

Jan, 1 2010 (10:07 am)- Tammy Collins can't believe I had sex with the valet parker guy at last night's New Year's Party in the back of that crappy Subaru- Hope Dan doesn't find out. LOL

This post led to the subsequent divorce of Tammy Collins from Daniel Slater, who read her status 7 minutes after she posted it. It also contributed to the firing of Enrique Vega from his job at Villa Roma catering hall, and the lawsuit filed by the Hoffmans, owners of the Subaru.


Mar, 10 2010 (1:31 pm)- Tammy Collins hates her job as hostess at The Blue Water Bistro on West Elm Street. You wouldn't believe how filthy the kitchen is. YUK !!!! OMG-They reuse food there from people who didn't finish their meals. DISGUSTING!!!

Miss Collins was promptly fired 3 hours later when she arrived at the restaurant by the manager, who was alerted of the post by one of the waitresses. An inspector from the local Board of Health made a surprise visit 2 days later, and the restaurant was closed by the end of the week.


May, 22 2010 (4:16 pm)- Tammy Collins is having a horrible time at her neighbor Tanya Moseley's BBQ. Too many black people here. I feel like I'm in a Spike Lee movie, I think I'm the only whitey LOL. I can't wait to get the heck out of here.

Tanya Moseley received an alert on her Blackberry a few minutes later and immediately threw Miss Collins out of her backyard, and hasn't spoken to her since. Tanya Moseley had been used by Miss Collins as a reference for a job interview, and, well, you can imagine how that phone conversation went.


Jun 6, 2010 (9:34 am)- Tammy Collins is so looking forward to her 10 yr H.S. reunion tonight. I hope that Christina (the bitch) Morales and Julie (the ugly slut) Fitzpatrick aren't there. GOD I HATED THEM SOOOO MUCH !!!

Christina Morales Carpenter and Julie Fitzpatrick were, in fact, in attendance at the McKinley High School Ten Year Reunion at the Summit Hotel and Conference Center. The evening did not go as planned for Miss Collins whose car needed to be towed after it was "mysteriously" given 4 flat tires and a shattered rear window. Julie ("the ugly slut") Fitzpatrick did, however, seem to have a good time that evening, leaving the reunion with Tammy Collins's date, former valet parking attendant, Enrique Vega.


Aug 17, 2010 (8:11 pm)- Tammy Collins cannot believe her cousin Sara's children are such homely and spoiled brats. Just spent the day at their house. WOW these kids are rotten little bastards!!! NO MANNERS... NO PERSONALITY... I'm sorry to say but Sara and her husband Jack aren't much better- I guess you can't blame the kids with parents like that. JK- NOT..LOL

Sara's daughter Tess read the post a few days later. Tess had "friended" her aunt Tammy a few months ago and always checked the status of her favorite aunt. Tess is now in therapy two days a week. Tammy and Sara are no longer speaking.

As of the publishing of this story Tammy Collins was happily spending a lazy day at the beach. Undoubtedly at approximately 9:01 tomorrow morning she will be looking for new employment.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

NY JETS COME TO TERMS WITH DARRELLE REVIS

Florham Park, NJ-   Darrelle Revis has finally ended his months long holdout and accepted a 4 year contract from the NY Jets. The star cornerback and his agent had previously turned down several prior offers from the Jets, leading some to speculate that he would hold out and not play at all this season.

Although Revis was asking for over $16 million per year, he settled for $46 million over the 4 years, with $32 million of it guaranteed, which breaks down to....well....4 into 46, 11....and carry the...oh whatever, let's just say it's a lot more than you and I make and we'll call it a day.

In a Daily Drivel exclusive, we were able to get a copy of the demands made by Revis and his agent:

I, Darrelle Shavar Revis, do make the following requests from the New York Jets:

1. $16 million per year for a minimum of 4 years ( Half of which must be guaranteed).

2. The owner of the team, Mr. Robert Wood Johnson IV, must learn to say and spell my name, and stop referring to me as, "Darryl Rivers" and "Dontrelle Willis". It would be especially helpful when I try to cash paychecks.

3. Please have  Rex Ryan wear clothes at ALL TIMES. If he needs to shower or take a soak in the hot tub, do it at home, or at least 1 hr AFTER all players, personnel, their families, and generally anyone with sight, has left the premises.

4. I need Joe Namath to stop "hawking" my ladies when I bring them around, which includes my mom, aunt and grandmother. This ain't the 1970's any more, the cat is creeping us all the hell out.

5. Please have fire marshall Bill or Ed, removed from his seat on the 50 yard line, and placed in one of the upper seats. He's way too annoying. Weird, I guess there's never any fires on Sundays?? We need to look into that.

6. Talk to Gov. Patterson about changing the name of Long Island to "Revis Island". If not, Long Island, then perhaps, Staten Island or at the very least- Randall's Island.

7. Find out once and for all if Joe Namath is wearing a wig. That is way too much hair for a man pushing 70 years old.  And I really need him to stay away from my ladies. Did I mention that?

8. I like Mark Sanchez, but see if Peyton Manning is available. Come on Mr. Johnson, use some of that baby shampoo fortune your granddaddy left you and get us a proven winner.

Joe Namath pretending to listen to Rex Ryan,
while watching a young woman adjust her top.

(The rest of the demands are unprintable in a family publication.)

With the two sides finally coming together, the team can now concentrate on the upcoming season, instead of off field distractions. The season opens Monday night Sept 13th against the Baltimore Ravens, and Darrelle Revis and the Jets should be ready for the challenge.

When asked if Revis being on the field will change the game plan for the Ravens, Linebacker Ray Lewis had this to say:

"Helllll Nooooo. No excuses now when we whip their asses. They have all their players, good for them, they're gonna need them. Revis and Buttheads. I like that, it has a nice ring. Almost as nice as my Superbowl ring. Game on son."


The signing of Revis insures the Jets of having the premier cornerback in the league locked up for the next 4 years. Will he and the Jets live up to all the hype? Only time will tell. The first test is Monday night.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)