Chinese Food Container Reaches Milestone In Family's Refrigerator

A container of white rice from Hunan Dynasty restaurant has just passed a milestone in the Crawford family refrigerator. The container, which has remained in the fridge since Labor Day, has surpassed the old record of 5 months and 10 days held by a soft taco from Taco Bell back in the 90's.





















The elusive container has survived several holidays, numerous parties, and one scary power outage six weeks ago.

"I thought I was a goner after that power outage. Luckily, it happened when everyone was at work and school. The electricity was off for about 4 hours, but since no one opened the door most of us survived.''

The container has remained undetected for various reasons: Its ability to blend in, its unremarkable contents, its fierce survival instincts, and maybe most importantly, the extreme laziness of the Crawford family.

The container was part of a take out order that consisted of tangerine beef, shrimp with lobster sauce, General Tso's chicken and boneless spareribs. The other items were eaten or thrown out within a week, but the container of white rice slipped behind a bottle of Fresca, where it remained until Thanksgiving.

"Once the holidays began, it's been fairly easy to hide. The leftover sides from Thanksgiving, the Christmas ham and pies, the New Year's cheeses and smoked meats, the leftover hero and potato salad from the Superbowl. I owe my record in part to all those holiday leftovers who've come and gone. I'm proud of my achievement, but I'm not done yet. The half empty jar of gerkin pickles just informed me that the Crawford's are having a party for the Academy Awards next weekend, so I should be good for at least three more weeks minimum."

While the milestone is quite an accomplishment for leftovers, the container still has quite a long way to go if it hopes to rival the longevity of the group known as "The Condiments".

"Listen, no offense to the white rice, it's a special achievement for a "leftover" and all, but he's not even in our class," said the jar of relish," I mean really, if he wants to compete with us, he needs to hang around for at least a year for us to recognize him into our club. I've been here 18 months and I'm the baby of the group. The maraschino cherries and that bottle of hot sauce have been here over 2 years, and that bottle of Worcestershire sauce expired 6 years ago. No one knows for sure how long he's been here. He's older than most of the Crawford kids." DD

Lolly's Inc Forced To Close Its Doors Due To Stagnant Adverb Market

Third generation family business, Lolly's Inc., is the latest casualty of an ever weakening economy. The Lolly family, pioneers in adverb sales, have finally succomed after several down years.




"People just don't use as many adverbs as they used to," said Lolly, Jr., "when times are tough adverbs seem to be the first things people cut back on. Conjunctions and prepositions are doing fine, but adverbs have taken a direct hit."

Father, son and even Lolly have taken money out of their personal savings to keep the business afloat, but to no avail.
"Not only are people not going nut gathering anymore, they're not planning to or even talking about going. Adverbs mostly modify verbs, which are words of action. Nobody has any money to go or do anything these days, including us," said Lolly III
"Go F*%# yourselves," said bitter 75 year old founder Lolly, Sr., "good luck getting your adverbs at these prices anywhere else. You'll be truly sorry and profoundly embarrassed when you finally realize what you've done to us. For over fifty years we humbly catered to your every whim. We opened early, we opened on holidays, damnit, we stayed open late as often as possible. You pricks ruined us !! When this economy slowly recovers, as it inevitably will, we won't be around to help you. Try making plans without us!!"


At press time Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla, Interplanet Janet and Mr. Morton were in contact with Bill from Capitol Hill to see if he could use his various connections in Congress to get Lolly's Inc. a government bailout. Indubitably. DD

Finance

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR MONEY

WITH J. EMERSON ROTHSCHILD III

Let's face it folks, we're all fucked.

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

OUR TWO WACKY SPORTS REPORTERS ARE AT IT AGAIN-
THIS TIME WITH THEIR SUPERBOWL PREDICTIONS

Charles- Well, here we go again. I can't believe yet another football season is about to come to a close. Where did the time go? Oh Oh.
Paul- Ya said a mouth full there Chuck. I feel like we're still in training camp watching those magnificent boys run through tires and all that nonsense. Yet here we are on the verge of yet another Superbowl. Which one is it now? 50? 60? Does anyone really give a crap? Nobody can figure out those damn Roman numerals anyway. I was lost after XXX. Why the hell can't we just give them regular numbers?
Charles- Because they are like gladiators, and this is their ultimate battle. I still remember Superbowl III. If I close my eyes I can picture Broadway Joe running off the field, waving that big......
Paul- Whoa there big fella, there's kids out there reading this article. Let's not get X-rated here. We all know about Namath.......
Charles- Oh oh. I was about to say finger, you libidinous creature. He was waving that big index finger in victory as he ran off the field after upsetting the Colts. Paul what's your favorite Superbowl memory?
Paul- Tom Brady dripping with champagne.
Charles- That's a pretty good memory, and a darn good screen saver, but I meant on the field, you little scamp.
Paul- Oh, please, who the hell watches the game anyway. It's usually a terrible lop sided blow out. It's just filler between good commercials. Which commercial are you looking forward to?
Charles- Oh oh. Well, if you have to know, I'm sure there will be a good one with LeBron James. That nubian king could sell me anything. He could pull my pants off and sell them right back to me. And I'd pay it. Whatever the cost.
I like the one with the powder or chalk or whatever the hell that stuff is all over him, but I'll be damned if I know what the heck he's selling. It doesn't matter, I'm too busy trying to figure out what his tattoos say anyway.
Paul- Chuck, if I see one more Geico gecko or caveman or pile of cash with eyeballs on it, I'm going to lose it. I'm going to choke someone with a feather boa.
Charles- Never mind your nonsense, you drama queen. What about the game? People are eagerly awaiting our picks. What's your prediction?
Paul- New Orleans -37 Chicago- 31
Charles- Really? You have no idea who's playing do you?
Paul- Do you?
Charles- Of course. I'm a sports reporter just like you. Oh oh. Don't you dare brow beat me.
Paul- So, what's your prediction fancy pants?
Charles- New England -51 Houston-7
Paul- Atleast mine was a closer game.
Charles- Whatever, it's all about the party anyway. I have my ensemble picked out for the party at Rip Taylor's bungalow. A blue blazer with matching captain's hat, a striped ascot, and a mahogany pipe. Oh Oh. I can't wait.
Paul- We wish all of our devoted followers out there a fabulous Superbowl party and if there's time, and there's a lull in the action, by all means, watch some of the game. DD

OBITUARY

FRANCIS D. "FRANK" DREYBECK, 77, JOURNALIST

Frank Dreybeck, a veteran of the Korean War and journalist for over 50 years, was found dead in his apartment early yesterday morning. His death comes one day after his retirement from The Daily Drivel, where his column appeared for the final time on Tuesday. The column was laced with bitterness and made numerous disparaging remarks about several co-workers. Dreybeck alleged that he was forcibly retired because of his style of writing. Police investigating his death seem to believe foul play may have been involved.

"Everyone we've interviewed so far hated the man. Neighbors, co-workers, the dry cleaner down the block, everyone seems to have been insulted by him. If this was murder, and all indications point in that direction, then anyone who has ever met him is a potential suspect. We have our work cut out for us," said Det. Caskey.

Frank Dreybeck was a reporter in the Korean War at the age of 19, and joined the Washington Post as a correspondent after his discharge. He seemed to bounce around from city to city over the next five and a half decades working at most of the major newspapers, and never lasting more than two years in any one spot.

"I hate to speak ill of the dead, but he was a miserable bastard who butted heads with everyone," said Rupert Murdoch ," his inflammatory comments, both spoken and written, were pure vitriol. No one could stand the man."

Dreybeck's style, by his own admission, was one that 'ruffled a few feathers'. He took particular glee, for some bizarre reason, in lambasting game show host Bob Barker. Barker was routinely savaged in Dreybeck's columns, even when the story had nothing at all to do with the game show host, which was 99.9% of the time.

Here are two excerpts from some of Dreybeck's columns:

".......There are too many single women in today's workforce, single women who are taking the jobs away from men with families, honest, hardworking men who are trying to make ends meet. What's the matter ladies, tired of watching Bob Barker's ridiculous dye job all morning?"

".....Companies like Nabisco and Johnson & Johnson should be ashamed of themselves for gouging the unsuspecting public with their overpriced, inferior products. Companies that used to be the back-bone of this country are now punching us all in the solar plexis. Companies like this, that conspire to keep a ruthless charlatan like Bob Barker employed."

Dreybeck harbored a decades long grudge against the former game show host, but no one seems to know the reason for the animosity. Some speculate that Barker found out that Dreybeck's middle name was actually Dorothy, and belittled him to common friends and associates. Poking fun at him on air by turning to the camera every once in awhile and saying "Well, Dorothy, what do you think about that?"

Others say that Dreybeck's first wife Nancy had a torrid affair with Barker, and he could not manage to excite her after Barker had his way with her, which ultimately led to their bitter divorce.

The real reason may never come out and will likely be buried along with the journalist.

(Viewing and burial plans have been put on hold due to an ongoing police investigation and an utter lack of interest) DD

Frank Dreybeck Invites Everyone To Kiss His Ass

You read that right, and I hope you do it too. I’d be more than happy to show you which part of my vertical smile you can paste your lips to. More than happy. I hope the incompetent editor of this sorry publication doesn’t change a word of it either, although you’d have to be able to read, so I’m probably safe. I’m a newspaper man. Have been for as far back as I can remember. I’m a newspaper man in an age of paperless journalism. Frankly, it makes me sick. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like starting your day with newsprint all over your hands. One of the great joys of life.
I’m being “retired” because of too many reader complaints.

I’m being “retired” because I tell the truth (no M&M candy coating here).

I’m being “retired” because I’m a dinosaur, a fossil from a forgotten age.

So, you didn’t like my style, huh. What’s the matter, was I a little too harsh for your precious sensibilities? Too bad. It’s called honest journalism.

Was I a little too opinionated for your taste? Boo hoo. I’ve been a journalist for over fifty years for some of the finest, most well respected newspapers this country has ever produced.

I've interviewed presidents and kings. I've covered revolutions and assassinations. I've shared a newsroom with Woodward and Bernstein. I've shagged fly balls with Mickey Mantle and rode a horse with John Wayne. I've bedded Marilyn Monroe and Angie Dickinson (twice). What have you done?
The Daily Drivel is a joke, a bad joke. The editor, Josh Banter, looks and dresses like a homeless person. He wouldn’t know a good news story if it slapped him across the face, which is exactly what I’m going to do to him on my way out the front door. The lead reporter, Laszlo Ferrar, is a talent less bum who barely got out of high school. His IQ is equivalent to that of a baked potato, and if the potato has sour cream and chives then the edge goes to the potato. No legitimate news source in the country would hire a hack like this as a copy boy, never mind its lead reporter. None. Zero. Only this scandalous rag. They are more of a joke than the “paper” itself. I hope they both rot in hell, alongside that lecherous prick Bob Barker.
My time working for The Daily Drivel, or more accurately, “The Barely Dribble”, has been some of the worst of my career. I began reporting as a 19 year old in the Korean War, and have covered every major world event since. How I wound up here I’ll never know. They choose to report on fluff pieces like a bathroom attendant who wins the lottery and some drunken fool at a Cubs game. This is news? Well if it is, it’s news to me. It’s all one big joke. It has to be, that’s the only explanation. They have “contributors” like Gary Busey, Count Dracula, and a cavalcade of miscreants even more reprehensible. It’s a disgrace and an insult to serious journalists everywhere.

Everyone associated with this “paper” can get in line, along with all of you reading this, and pucker up as I bend over and drop my trousers.
Sincerely (up) yours,
Frank Dreybeck

South American Rugby Team Resorts to Cannibalism When Bus Breaks Down On The New Jersey Turnpike

A rugby team from Uruguay, traveling by bus through the United States for various tournaments, has been struck by tragedy. Team Hambre, a team of All Stars from Uruguay, was on its way to play a rugby match in Newark NJ, when smoke suddenly started to billow from the engine. The driver pulled onto the shoulder near exit 13 of the New Jersey Turnpike and assessed the damage as a blown head gasket and called for a tow truck. When the members of the team heard the news that the tow truck would take over an hour to arrive, inevitably, panic set in.
Within 15 minutes all food and drink on the bus had been consumed and the hunger of several team members drove them to drastic measures.
Roberto Canales, a co-captain of the team, decided to take matters into his own hands and began eating fellow team mate, Diego Zavaleta. Zavaleta was presumed dead by Canales and several others because his eyes were closed. As it turns out, Zavaleta was merely taking a nap, and awoke to see his right foot covered in ketchup and placed between two pieces of white bread, as Canales with a napkin tied around his neck, began to eat.
“We didn’t think we were going to make it. It was so dark and cold outside, and we were so hungry. Diego gave his life for his team, it was a tough decision, but it was the right one. We would have starved, what choice did we have? He was third string anyway, he rarely played, so he wasn’t as muscular as the rest of us. Muscle is so hard to chew through,” said Canales.
The tow truck arrived 45 minutes after it was called, and Joe Nugent, the driver of the tow truck was horrified by the scene upon his arrival.
“I walked over to talk to the driver and I did a double take when I saw what was going on next to the bus. There were several guys in rugby uniforms putting hot sauce and blue cheese on a human leg and two arms. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I started screaming, ‘Hey, what the hell is going on’, but they ignored me and kept on eating, I guess they were pretty hungry. The thing that confuses me the most about the whole situation is the fact that the rest stop was only 200 yards away. There is a Sbarro, Cinnabon, and TCBY all right there. It just doesn’t make sense,” said Nugent.
After a slight delay Team Hambre resumed its game schedule and remains undefeated thus far on its North American tour. They have dedicated the rest of their games to Diego Zavaleta, and consider him a National hero.
“It was our darkest hour as a team, but somehow we survived our ordeal. We pulled together, that’s what great teams do,” said Canales, “we will always remember Diego and his selfless act. He is a true hero. We will remember him as a talented team mate, a good friend, a brave person, and a filling meal.” DD (special contributor to this story- Dr. Dean Romano)