INTER-OFFICE MEMO

FROM GARY COMPTON TO ALL MY OFFICE CO-WORKERS




I said good morning when I saw you didn't I?
Asked how your weekend was.
Feigned interest in your longwinded reply.
Well, guess what? I'm done with you for the day.
Do I have to come up with a new greeting or witty retort for you each and every time we pass each other throughout the day?
I'm done. Hear me?
Done.

I'm done with "Jimbo" and his need to tap me on the back or shoulder every time he passes me on the way to the copy machine or water cooler. I saw you and said hello to you at 9:00. What more do you want from me? I acknowledge you each and every time we pass with a head nod or raised eyebrows, and I think that is going above and beyond. That's all I'm willing to give! I've given you ONE verbal daily greeting and that should be efficient. PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME!

I'm tired of "Gina" and her constant complaints about everything from her husband's chronic halitosis to her neighbor's overgrown hedges.
This just in- I don't care! Nobody Cares!
Are you so self involved that you can't see that I have a queasy look on my face every single time you begin one of your rants. I'm constantly back peddaling and pretending to look over my work when you're bitching about the guy that tried to beat you out for a parking space or how they gave you whole milk instead of low-fat in your latte. You just keep on going, not caring that I'm trying to escape your presence. PLEASE STOP SPEAKING!

I've had it up to here (my hand is touching my forehead) with "Andy" and his constant name dropping and butting into everyone's conversations. Mind your damn business when I'm speaking to someone else! I don't care that you have a boat and that you ate at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant while sitting at a table next to Danny Aiello who laughed at one of your jokes and complimented your taste in wine. Save your breath, no one believes a word you say. You're 37 years old and still live with your parents. We'd all own yachts by now if we didn't have to pay for food or rent. GET A LIFE LOSER!

I'm sick of "Tony" and his double entendres for every word with a vague slang sexual reference. You're kidding with this right? This is a man with three teenage daughters who still is enamored with 5th grade sexual jokes.
You can't use words like 'head','come','blow', etc without him making some sort of vulgar remark as he passes by.
You make all the women uncomfortable and give most of the men the creeps.
(All except "Andy" of course who seems to enjoy it.)
GROW UP YOU SICK LITTLE PERVERT!

Alright, I'm starting to feel a little better. I've been bottling all that up for years and my therapist advised me to confront my anger issues by telling people in my life, in a polite and constructive manner, what's been bothering me.
I hope this exercise allows me to move forward in a positive way and finally get off those nasty anti-depressants.
Thanks to all!
( Next week, I'll discuss my wife and in-laws and some issues I have with those a**holes.)

Beyonce Realizes In Horror That She Is Actually Married To Jay-Z

Beyonce Knowles is living a fairy tale life. She is beautiful, talented and rich. She enjoys not only successful musical and modeling careers, but also a budding acting career. She travels the world staying in the best hotels and dining at the most posh restaurants. She is one of the elite few who only needs to use her first name. Most would be jealous of a life style such as this. Unless, of course that meant waking up next to Jay-Z.

Beyonce herself cannot believe that she is actually married, much less to Jay-Z.
"I have no idea how this happened," said Beyonce," was I drugged? Am I really Mrs.-Z?"

Beyonce's befuddlement is shared by everyone on the planet earth, except of course for Jay-Z, who refused to be interviewed for this story. (He did however send over two obscenely obese men wearing sunglasses and lots of gold to our downtown offices to advise us to "reconsider" publishing the story. The Daily Drivel does not take kindly to threats, veiled or not, but we will be relocating our offices to an undisclosed address by week's end.)

Beyonce remembers working with Jay-Z, amongst others, on her successful solo debut album "Dangerously in Love" in 2003, but doesn't seem to remember much else since then. Until now.

"I'm confused. I feel like I've been in a trance the last several years. Honestly, the last thing I seem to remember is working on my solo album after I left Destiny's Child. Everything since is kinda hazy. Am I really married to Jay-Z? You mean I'm not married to Derek Jeter or Leonardo Di Caprio? Wow, I need to sit down, I'm feeling kinda dizzy. How did this happen?" said Beyonce.

How indeed no one seems to know for sure. Jay-Z has been seen in the company of a mysterious gentleman numerous times over the years. A gentlemen who has also been seen hanging around with performers like Seal and Billy Joel and several years ago with actor Billy Bob Thornton.




The identity of this mystery man is unknown but he is assumed to be some sort of svengali, hypnotizing beautiful women to date, and in some cases, even marry less than desirable men. Speculation abounds as to whether or not this male witch may have conjured up a spell on the unwitting diva, and how she suddenly snapped out of the trance.

"Heidi Klum has the same sort of look on her face that I did for several years. You can see it in her eyes, they're sort of glazed over, especially when she's next to Seal. I know that look. I've had that look," said Beyonce as she poured over several photographs, "here, look at this one of Angelina Jolie from 2000 when she married Billy Bob Thornton and this old one from 1985 of Christie Brinkley when she was married to Billy Joel. Same glassy look!"








Authorities have been alerted to apprehend and question the mystery man as to his involvement with Jay-Z, Seal and numerous other less than handsome celebrities with beautiful wives. The elusive svengali seems to have remained in the shadows for several decades and capturing him may prove to be an impossible task.
One thing we know for sure is that Jay-Z will not be revealing the man's identity or his existence for that matter.

Beyonce, for now, will continue to go about her daily business as Mrs.-Z but she, like the rest of us, would like some answers.

"I think it's time for me to go on a world tour. A year, maybe even two, until this whole thing can be sorted out. Hey, Angelina woke up and is now married to Brad Pitt, so there's hope for women like us." DD

Wrestling Family Challenges All Comers

Flagstaff, Az- The Drucker family is tired of being pushed around, and dag-nabbit, they're not going to take it anymore.

After years of abuse by relatives, neighbors, and even passers-by, Stew Drucker and his wife, Arlene decided enough was enough. They have taken wrestling classes from famed retired wrestler Mil Mascaras, and are using they're newly acquired skills to gain a modicum of revenge over their former tormentors.

"I've had my ass handed to me my entire life. I was used to getting slapped around by the other kids in the chess club and the marching band when I was in high school. Even as a grown man it was common place for me to get punched out at the supermarket or the dry cleaner. That was my life and I accepted my fate," said Stew Drucker.

Drucker's milque-toast attitude and victim persona even transferred itself to his wife Arlene who, seemingly immediately after saying 'I do', has been routinely beaten over the years. Not by Stew, of course, but by virtually everyone else that she comes in contact with.

"I don't understand it," said Arlene Drucker, "my whole life no one ever laid a hand on me, and then at my wedding reception I was pummeled and repeatedly kicked in the stomach by the maitre'd. It hasn't stopped since. I have no explanation for it."

The Druckers finally decided to do something about it when their son, Crandall, was coming home battered and bruised on a daily basis from kindergarten. That's when they contacted Mr. Mascaras.

"I've never seen a more pathetic family in all my days," said Mascaras," as soon as I met them I had this strange desire to start hitting them. Luckily, I fought back the urge, because I would've killed them, even at 65, I'm still a hell of a fighter."

After months of extensive training, the Druckers are now a force to be reckoned with. They've learned several of Mil Mascaras's signature moves like the 'double chop', the 'monkey flip' and the 'flying surfboard' and are not afraid to use them.

"The other morning the garbage man got in my face and started screaming at me for for putting some grass clippings in with the regular garbage. Normally, I would have been tossed to the floor and had my crotch jumped on by a man like this, but I used a move Mr. Mascaras taught me called a 'Mongolian chop' and needless to say, I don't think the contents of my garbage bucket will be questioned from now on," said Stew Drucker.

The Druckers are so enamored with wrestling and being able to defend themselves that they've begun wearing wrestling masks everywhere they go. This is a tribute to Mil Mascaras, whose name translates to "a thousand masks", and still wears a mask to this day to hide his identity.

"I appreciate how they honor me and my accomplishments by wearing the masks, but I fear I have created a family that is now out of control. They are fighting with people all the time now, they are even starting to beat me. They've become masters at double-teaming an opponent and their young son gives the final crippling blow, usually gouging the eyes or twisting the testicles. I can't control them any longer," said Mascaras with a quivering voice, "I'm sorry. I feel like Dr. Frankenstein." DD

Man Takes Advice From Design On Bathroom Tile Resembling Late Actor Peter Ustinov

Baltimore, MD- Bernard Avery, a 32 year old freelance writer of crossword puzzles, claims to have received expert advice on numerous matters from an unlikely source. He has made successful investments, avoided a potentially serious medical condition, and learned to speak fluent Russian, all with the help of a squiggly design on his bathroom tile. A design he claims speaks to him and resembles late actor Peter Ustinov.
Avery spends more time in his bathroom than any other room in his apartment, due to an addiction to flossing and a terrible case of irritable bowel syndrome. While the average person spends 25 minutes a day in their home bathroom, Avery tends to spend 7 ½ hours a day in his.
"I was sitting on the throne, like usual, reading the latest copy of O magazine, when this strange pattern on the floor tile caught my eye," said Avery.
"The shape looked oddly familiar, I couldn’t place it right away, but then I realized that it looked like actor Peter Ustinov. The Peter Ustinov from the movie Spartacus, with the curly hair and messy beard. I had been living in the apartment for 2 months and hadn’t noticed it before, but once I found it I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It’s not a dirt smudge or anything, it’s an actual pattern on the tile. I found myself alone late at night in the bathroom talking to the tile, asking it questions like, ’what type of wine do you drink with spaghetti squash?’ and ‘which emerging markets should I invest in?’ I was surprised that I was talking out loud to a spot on the floor tile, but I was even more surprised when the spot answered back."
Avery has developed a unique rapport with the tile, often times finishing each other’s sentences.
"I feel like I’ve known him forever, I can’t believe its been less than 6 months. You wouldn’t think so, but we have a lot in common. We share a love of Russian authors, South American wine and chamber music. He’s quite knowledgeable on a variety of subjects which has really helped my crossword puzzles," said Avery.
The bathroom tile Peter Ustinov has turned out to be very much like his human predecessor, holding court for hours on end on a variety of subjects. Avery is learning many things, but his social life and circulation are suffering from the nearly 1/3 of a day he spends in his bathroom, mostly sitting on the toilet.

"Admittedly, I don’t go out as often as I should. I barely went out before, but now it is rare for me to leave the bathroom, much less the apartment. Even when I’m in the kitchen, I yell things toward the bathroom to keep the conversation going. His voice doesn’t really carry past the bathroom door, so I miss a lot when I’m out of the room. I usually pretend that I hear him, because he doesn’t like to be ignored. I learned that lesson early on, he can become very irate."
The unusual companions, for the most part, seem to enjoy their time together. Avery eats all of his meals in the bathroom, and several times has slept right on the bathroom floor, falling asleep to one of Ustinov’s long winded tales, usually involving Tony Curtis, and what a jack-ass he was.
"He has not only enriched my life, but he actually saved my life once. One day when I was shaving, he said that my prostate looked enlarged from his vantage point. On his recommendation I went to a doctor, and guess what, he was right. The doctor was amazed, we caught it so early that it was almost a non issue. I owe Ustinov a debt of gratitude for probably saving my life. I never would have gone to the doctor on my own. He can be quite persuasive you know."
As for now, Bernard Avery is quite content to keep things the way they are, but there is talk that his rent stabilized apartment building may be torn down to make room for expensive professional condominiums.
"I guess I’ll worry about that when and if it happens. If it does, I will of course, very carefully, chip the tile out and take him with me. He won’t be happy to leave, he loves it here, but I couldn’t imagine my life without that darn tile at this point. As sad as this sounds, it’s my only friend." DD

Pluto: Once Proud Planet, Now Insecure Dwarf

The former Ninth planet in the solar system, Pluto, is a shell of its former self. After being demoted to dwarf planet status in 2006 by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), Pluto has been in a downward spiral, refusing to gain mass and, in fact, losing some of its icy composition.

"Pluto is in bad shape," said astronomer Dr. Basil Fisher," We are quite worried that the feelings of insecurity and embarrassment after being demoted have led this once proud planet to act recklessly."

Pluto's orbit since its demotion in 2006 to dwarf planet has been chaotic and in some cases downright dangerous, nearly resulting in a collision with the Planet Neptune on several occasions.

"Pluto is a rogue spherical mass these days, operating by its own set of rules. Its stabilty is in question as of late. The orbits of Neptune and Pluto have remained unchanged for millions of years, with the possibility of a collision as virtually non existent. Until 2006. That's when everything changed. Pluto's behavior has become erratic, jeopordizing not only itself and Neptune, but in one instance almost penetrating the gaseous orbit of Uranus. That is totally uncalled for," said NASA scientist Sebastian Musso, "I understand Pluto is going through a very difficult and depressing time, but you don't behave like that."

The members of the IAU who made the decision to demote Pluto based their vote on three requirements for which an object may be classified as a planet:

1-It needs to be in orbit around the Sun. Check.
2-It needs to have enough gravity to pull itself into a spherical shape. Check.
3-It needs to have "cleared the neighborhood" of its orbit. Uh Oh.

According to this, Pluto is not a planet.
What does "cleared its neighborhood" mean?

As planets form, they become the dominant gravitational body in their orbit in the Solar System. As they interact with other, smaller objects, they either consume them, or sling them away with their gravity. Pluto is only 0.07 times the mass of the other objects in its orbit. The Earth, in comparison, has 1.7 million times the mass of the other objects in its orbit.

Thus, Pluto has lost membership in that very exclusive club, "Planets of the Solar System."

The controversial decision to reclassify Pluto has polarized not only the scientific community, but the general public.

"I don't blame Pluto for acting out. He's pissed off man. How do you think you'd feel if one day a creepy group of distant cousins said that you didn't belong in the family and everyone listened and kicked you out? Man, that would really suck! And all for what? Because you weren't big enough? Isn't that some shit! No wonder Pluto is harboring the solar system's biggest Napoleon Complex," said Tom "Rusty" White, amateur astronomer and angry citizen.

Some people are so upset with IAU's decision to demote Pluto that they have been protesting all around the globe in various cities since the 2006 ruling. The latest was in front of Tully's Coffee House in Seattle, Washington, where any angry mob gathered to show support for Pluto.

"Dwarf planet? Dwarf? Am I understanding that correctly? That's the term these genius's came up with? How God damned insensitive can these morons be? Dwarf? Really? In this day and age to label someone that way just blows my mind! Pluto will always be a planet to me as far as I'm concerned. It will always remain the last and most beloved planet in the mock Solar System model that I made out of styrofoam that hangs over my bed. Viva Pluto!" screamed outraged protester Pamela Costidis.

The debate rages on, and scientists and astronomers are monitoring Pluto's orbit very carefully. They may decide to re-classify Pluto and upgrade it back to planet status, but they don't want to rush to any decisions just yet.

"We're weighing our options and taking our time with this one," said Rutger Schtooper, member of the IAU, "it is a huge decision that could cause a ripple effect throughout the galaxy. If we let Pluto back in, then we might be opening the door for other smaller objects like Eris and Ceres to demand planet status. The list is infinite. We have to be very careful who we let into this exclusive club. Even amusement parks have height restrictions to prevent access for smaller riders who might get hurt. I ask you, what bigger ride is there than the Solar System?" DD

MOTHER OF 3 LOSES ALL TRACES OF HER IDENTITY

Salinas, Ca- A mother of 3 can no longer remember her own name after years of being described as "Sarah's mom", "Kayla's mom", and now finally, "Ryan's mom".

"I haven't gone by my own name for so long that sometimes I forget that my name is, my name is, oh shoot, there it goes again, I can't seem to remember it. God I hate when that happens. Give me a few minutes, I'm sure it will come to me," said the confused woman.

A search at the Bureau of Records reveals that the mother of 3 was born Sept. 18th, 1968 and was given the name Margaret Gallagher.

According to the Spring Valley High School yearbook for the year 1986, Margaret Gallagher also went by the nickname Peg or Peggy, and was also called "Sugar Britches" (for reasons I don't think we want to know) by her first boyfriend, Daniel Leto.

Margaret Gallagher became Margaret Keenan on May 15th, 1995, when she married Kevin Keenan, according to a marriage certificate filed at Town Hall.

"I was introduced to her as 'Kevin's wife'," said friend and neighbor Frank Guma," I never thought to ask her what her first name was. I usually just say 'morning neighbor' and go about my business. They've been living next door for about 8 years and only now did it occur to me that I don't even know her name."

This loss of identity seems to be getting worse with each child she has, and with each new acquaintance she makes, especially through her children's advanced social networks.

She is mostly known as 'Sarah's mom' to the other parents and players of her oldest daughter's soccer team, or "Ryan's mom" at the Mommy & Me Classes at the local library.

There was a time, however, when Margaret "Peggy" Gallagher had her own identity.

"You may not believe it to look at me now, but back in college I had a lot going on. Co-captain of the Debate Team, 4 year member of a local Theater Group, instructor of yoga classes. I was very well known and quite popular with the men, especially the Fencing and Rugby teams.

They all knew my name back then, that's for damn sure. They all wanted to date, oh, hell, what is it again? Oh yes, Peggy, that's it. They all wanted to date Peggy, and guess what, most of them did. I taught those fencing boys the true meaning of the terms "thrust and parry", if you get my drift. I had an identity then. And a bit of a reputation too, but that's neither here nor there."

As our interview with Margaret ended she brought me with her to drop off her miniature dachsund at the animal obedience school and the woman behind the counter smiled and said, "Oh, you must be Bowzer's owner."

Margaret looked at me, sighed and shrugged.

I bet at least a few members of the Rugby team still remember the name Peggy Gallagher.

DD

THE UNSINKABLE B M: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

Well they got me. What can I say?

If I told you I had a good reason for doing what I did would you understand?

If I told you I did what I did for love, would that humanize me in your minds?

Well, it's true. I'm a victim too you know. That's the power of love.

As I sit here contemplating my future over the next 150 years, I think of Ruth.

This song I write for her:

Hey there Bubbeleh

What's it like in New York City?

Our penthouse seems a thousand miles away

But Ruth, tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Interrogation spotlights can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

_____________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

Don't worry about the investors

We have that account down in the Caymans

In the name of my cousin Lester

Don't touch it yet

It'll help get us out of debt

Gabeesh, my little pet?

____________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

What you do to me

__________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

I robbed from Peter and from Paul

The stupid schmucks I fooled them all

Ruthie dear, I had no other way

I stole a little, then a lot

Now I'm sleeping on a cot

My back will never, ever be the same

And you're to blame, yes, you're to blame

_______________________________________

150 years seems pretty long

They tell me I did something wrong

They're all just jealous of my acquired wealth

We had homes and boats and cars

But now I sit here behind bars

My reputation will never, ever be the same

Oh, what a shame, my good name

_______________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

______________________________________

I've got so much left to say

But these guards are taking my pen away

Those filthy, rotten, no-good schmucks

I wish I had a couple of bucks

I'd bribe them all to look the other way

But I can't pay

I can't pay

_______________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

You be good and don't you miss me

150 more years and I'll be out of jail

And I'll be making history like I do

You know it's all because of you

We did whatever we wanted to

Hey there Bubbeleh here's to you

This one's for you

____________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

What you do to me

Madoff signing out.

(149 years, 351 days and counting. Ruthie dear, please wait for your Bernie Bear).