WOMAN FINDS IMAGE OF JESUS ON FISHSTICK CHRISTMAS DAY

Denver, Co- Bertha Fluppins was hungry Christmas Day and rummaged through her freezer for something to eat. She wasn't in the mood for the frozen pot pie or the pepperoni french bread pizza, but she came across a package of fish sticks covered in ice at the back of the freezer.

"I don't remember ever buying fish sticks," said Fluppins, "they must have been in there for quite some time. The box was covered in ice and was actually stuck to the back wall of the freezer. I pulled it out and tried to find some sort of expiration date on it, but I couldn't find any. The Lord works in mysterious ways, I never got a chance to eat the darn things, which is good because it probably would've killed me."

Fluppins, undeterred by her hunger, decided to fry up the ancient fish sticks and eat them for lunch. She tossed them in a frying pan, and luckily had the heat up too high, burning most of the fish sticks beyond edible form. Of the six she attempted to cook, only one was only slightly burned, and when she turned it over to cover it in ketchup, she made her amazing discovery.

"I was about to shove the whole thing in my mouth, and just before I did, I took a quick look at it. I did a double take. It was Jesus staring back at me from the bottom of the fish stick! I couldn't believe it! I licked off the ketchup, and held it up to the light, wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but no, there it was plain as day, Jesus. On his birthday of all days."

Fluppins thinks it was devine intervention and believes that Jesus actually saved her life. The expiration date on the box was faded, but was found to be April 1983.

"I think Ms. Fluppins is very lucky that she didn't ingest that toxic fish stick. I don't think she would have been around to celebrate this holiday or any future holidays if she had," said her doctor, Dean Romano," I am hesitant to think Jesus stepped in here. I am more inclined to blame Fluppins's lousy cooking abilities that actually saved her life.
She sees Jesus, and you know what, more power to her. I kind of see John Phillips from "The Mamas & the Papas". I'm not a religious man, but I guess we should all be happy that it was Jesus she saw, because if it was John Phillips it might have gotten her addicted to heroin and then molested her for the next 10 years." DD

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE FROM SANTA CLAUS

HERE WE ARE AGAIN, ONE WEEK AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS. EVERYONE IS TRIMMING THEIR TREES AND GETTING IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, WHERE DID THE TIME GO? YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT OL' SANTA HAS BEEN UP TO SINCE LAST CHRISTMAS.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU, BUT TRUTHFULLY........ IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
WHAT? WHAT DID SANTA JUST SAY? THAT'S RIGHT I'M IN A FOUL MOOD THIS YEAR.
PEOPLE ARE MISERABLE, THE ECONOMY IS STILL IN DIRE STRAIGHTS, AND MY WIFE IS FAT, I MEAN REALLY FAT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, BECAUSE HER MOM WAS A VERY, VERY LARGE WOMAN.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, WHO THE HECK IS HE TO CALL ANYONE ELSE FAT. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, I AM FAT, BUT GUESS WHAT, I'M FREAKIN' SANTA CLAUS!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FAT, THAT'S MY THING, IT'S WHAT THE JOB CALLS FOR, AND BY THE WAY, I WAS FAT WHEN I MET HER. SHE WASN'T. FAR FROM IT AS A MATTER OF FACT. SHE WAS LEAN AND TRIM. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
WHATEVER, LET'S MOVE ON.

YOU MAY BE A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THIS YEAR IN WHAT YOU FIND UNDER YOUR TREE. WE'VE ALSO FELT THE FINANCIAL STING OF A DOWN ECONOMY AND BEEN FORCED TO "TIGHTEN OUR BELTS" AND CUT CORNERS.

THE Wii FIT THAT YOU ASKED FOR IS BEING REPLACED WITH A JUMP ROPE. YOU WANT AN INTERACTIVE GAME, WELL HERE YOU GO. START JUMPING.

THE iPOD YOU'RE EXPECTING WILL NOT BE APPEARING IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WILL? A PLASTIC KAZOO AND A TAMBOURINE.
GO TO TOWN. MAKE AS MUCH MUSIC AS YOU WANT.

DON'T LOOK TOO HARD FOR THAT KINDLE UNDER THE TREE, BECAUSE YOU MAY NOT FIND IT. BUT I HAVE A FEELING YOU'LL COME ACROSS YOUR OLD LIBRARY CARD THAT I HAD RE-LAMINATED AND WRAPPED UP SPECIAL FOR YOU. READ AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!! WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU WANT!!

THE KIDS MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY CONFUSED WITH THEIR PRESENTS CHRISTMAS MORNING AS WELL.
WE DECORATED A BUNCH OF OLD SOCKS WITH FACES AND MADE SOME DARN TERRIFIC HAND PUPPETS FOR THEM! (SOME OF THE SOCKS EVEN GOT WASHED AFTER WE USED THEM.)
WE ALSO MADE REALLY CUTE CATERPILLARS OUT OF EGG CARTONS AND PIPE CLEANERS THAT THE KIDS ARE GONNA GO CRAZY FOR.

WE'RE GETTING BACK TO BASICS THIS YEAR.
WE'RE STARTING OVER.
REMEMBER IT'S FAR BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE ANYWAY, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IN TIMES LIKE THESE, BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND BE GLAD THAT YOU'RE NOT HO-HO- HOMELESS.

REMEMBER, I'LL BE WATCHING......

THE ONLY WOMAN TO SAY NO TO TIGER COMES FORTH

Not every woman that Tiger Woods meets jumps into bed with him. Meet Hortense MacTavish, a woman who simply said "No".
As the list of women who had affairs with married professional golfer Eldrick "Tiger" Woods grows longer by the day, it is refreshing to hear of a woman who was not impressed with one of the richest and most famous men in the world.
Ms. MacTavish, a waitress at a pub in Turnberry, Scotland, was insulted and rather enraged that the golfer would even think he had a chance with her.

"I'm not that easy sweetheart, I told him. He offered me a lot of money to come back to his hotel. I said, 'who the hell do you think you're talkin' too?' I mean really, do women really fall for that crap? I can do so much better than that bloke. What a little baby he was, I don't think he's used to being turned down. He had a break down right at the table for Lord's sake," said MacTavish.

Woods met Ms.MacTavish back in July in between rounds while playing in the British Open and immediately tried to seduce her.

"He ordered a cobb salad with dressing on the side, and before I could ask him if he'd like something to drink he's already puttin' the moves on me like I'm some slutty little tart. The nerve of him! I'm a respectable woman, I don't go for those types of shenanigans. Besides, he's not my type, he reminds me of Bugs Bunny, weak chin and big teeth."

Woods was not used to rejection and went back to have one of the worst rounds of golf he had ever played, and ultimately missed the cut for only the second time in his career. Whether or not these two events are related is pure speculation, but there may be something to the notion that Tiger needs sex before he plays.

"Every golfer on the tour has a routine that he adheres to before playing a round. John Daly eats a triple cheeseburger and washes it down with 3 shots of Jim Beam. Phil Mickelson watches old Marx Brothers movies to loosen up. Sergio Garcia brushes his teeth for an hour, usually until his gums bleed. Every golfer has something, a ritual if you will, that's done before he heads out to the clubhouse.
Tiger's has always been rampant sex with loose women. He doesn't consider it cheating on his wife, but instead, staying faithful to his golf game. It's just his ritual, that's all. We've seen the devastating effects when he doesn't get his groove on. For all fans out there, including myself, let's hope there aren't any more women like Ms. MacTavish who would put their own selfish behavior in front of millions of adoring Tiger fans who are expecting to watch a great round of golf," said an anonymous PGA official, "ladies, please, give it up, for the good of the game."

GPS DEVICE RUINS THE LIFE OF LOCAL SALESMAN

The addition of a Global Positioning System(GPS) device to one's vehicle is supposed to make driving easier, erasing human error and creating a stress free experience. Hal Evans expected such an experience when he purchased his GPS device two months ago, what he got however was anything but stress free.

"The first few days were a pleasure, an absolute pleasure. I do a lot of driving and not having to fumble with maps and directions was fantastic. The turn by turn directions spoken with a clear professional voice were perfect. Driving was a dream. Unfortunately the good times lasted less than a week. That's when the device slowly started to make my life miserable," proclaimed a dejected Evans.

According to Evans, after a few days of driving the voice started to change, saying things with an edgier, almost angry tone, tinged with sarcasm. Evans thought he was imagining it at first, until the voice blurted out some choice insults regarding his driving skills.

"I was cruising along listening to the radio, singing along to one of my favorite songs, 'Come on Eileen' by Dexy's Midnight Runners, and I missed the turn that I was supposed to make. No big deal, right? Wrong! I guess the device wasn't prepared for someone to disobey its orders and its tone suddenly changed. The volume got louder and it yelled 'Left turn! Left turn! Stupid idiot, you missed the freakin' left turn!' I laughed at first thinking it was a pretty funny built in gimmick, but I quickly realized it wasn't.

Evans's daily road trips became battles of will between the two combatants, as the GPS insulted his personal appearance (usually a pot shot about his thinning hair) or his inability to find or keep a girlfriend.

"I thought I had pretty thick skin when it came to personal insults, but this thing was ruthless and incredibly cruel. I can't even repeat some of the hurtful things it said about me. The final insult was when it got me arrested and I lost my job. That was truly the end of my hellish ordeal with this demonic device."

Evans was arrested in a section of downtown Detroit for soliciting a prostitute and subsequently lost his job as a pharmaceutical salesman. He claims the GPS purposely got him lost in a neighborhood known primarily for illegal drug sales and prostitution. The judge was not amused at Evans's excuse and subsequent blame of his GPS device and made an example of him, giving him six months of probation with a fine of $500, impounding his vehicle, and allowing his name and address to appear in numerous newspapers.

"I told the truth and no one believed me. That thing brought me to the worst possible neighborhood, I had no clue where I was. I pulled over to ask this woman for directions, and she turned out to be an undercover cop posing as a hooker. Before I could even ask her for directions, the GPS started blurting out things like, 'How much for a dirty sanchez?' and 'Get in the car, I want to pay you for sex'. Dirty sanchez? I don't even know what that means. The next thing I knew I was under arrest. What a nightmare. I made the mistake of telling it that I was getting rid of it. It got me first. It laughed at me as I was put in handcuffs. I'll never forget that evil laugh as long as I live." DD

MAN EMBARRASSES FAMILY WITH HIS LAME THANKSGIVING SIDE DISHES

Walter Haynes will not be asked to bring his side dishes to next year's Thanksgiving feast, or any other gathering for that matter. Haynes, who had never cooked before yesterday, decided to take on the monumental task of providing the accompaniments to this year's turkey at his neighbor's house.

"We extend the invitation to several neighbors every year who have family out of state and would normally spend the day alone. We may have to rethink that plan after this year's debacle," said Dennis McGuire.

Haynes was extremely excited by the invitation and wanted to pitch in and help with the festivities.

"He called Monday and said he really wanted to help and bring something. I suggested some wine or perhaps an apple pie, but he demanded to make all the side dishes. I tried to talk Walter out of it, but he was very adamant about it. I assumed that he had made these dishes before. I found out after sampling them that he had never cooked a dish in his life," said a disgusted Debbie McGuire.

Without a recipe or a plan Haynes went to the supermarket late Wednesday night, wandering up and down the aisles, picking random items and tossing them in his cart.

"I was watching this guy, and I could tell he didn't have a clue," said stockboy Jason "Dutch" Winters, "I figured his wife sent him and he forgot his list, because he was just wandering around for about an hour scratching his head and mumbling to himself. He put back as many items as he picked up. Poor guy, totally clueless."

Haynes destroyed his family's kitchen while creating the three side dishes which were ultimately brought to the McGuire's Thanksgiving dinner. The dishes consisted of: canned and burned brussel sprouts over a layer of unseasoned mashed turnips, a loaf of unsweetened cranberry sprinkled with an unknown cheese, and some sort of pulverized eggplant and uncooked rice dish that may or may not have contained spam.

"The side dishes were a disgrace," said enraged neighbor Vic Tuttle, " I wouldn't feed a pig that slop. Several neighbors got sick. My wife threw up that eggplant mess all over the McGuire's new rug. It was terrible. Terrible. Haynes is a menace! He single handedly ruined Thanksgiving for everyone."

Walter Hayne's wife Gladys and their two daughters, are so embarrassed that they are contemplating moving out of the area.

"We can't show our faces in public after this," sobbed Gladys Haynes, "Walter has embarrassed us yet again. He gets something in that thick skull of his and there's nothing that gets through. We were just recovering from his awful rendition of the National Anthem over the summer at our daughter's softball game when he told everyone he could sing. Now this. The girls and I can't go out in public. I think we'll move in with my parents for awhile and let things cool down."

MOVIE REVIEW OF TWILIGHT: NEW MOON BY DRACULA AND THE WOLFMAN

DRACULA- Wolfman, let me ask you, has a woman ever been torn between us?

WOLFMAN- Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhh

DRACULA- I don't actually mean physically torn, because you're right Wolfie, that's been done. No, no, my dear hairy friend, I meant in love with both of us at the same time. Do you recall that ever happening?

WOLFMAN- OWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- No, me neither.

WOLFMAN- GGGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- Wait, you're right, there was that rather homely gypsy woman back in the 18th century, although I'm not fully convinced that that was a woman. Abnormally large hands and feet, and I could have sworn I bit into an Adam's apple. Blagh, she tasted worse than she looked. Were there any others?

WOLFMAN- SNNNARRRRRRLLLLLL

DRACULA- No, no that one liked you, I couldn't get past first bite with that one, she did not find me charming in the least.

WOLFMAN- RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH

DRACULA- Kind of you to say, but no, no, I guess I just wasn't her type. She only had eyes for you, that one.

WOLFMAN- HOWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- I'm bringing up "all that old sordid business" as you say because of that movie we just saw, 'New Moon'. I found it extremely unbelievable that's why. Have you ever in all your days seen vampires and werewolves that looked like that?
Do they look realistic to you? Because I couldn't believe what I was watching. I had to supress my laughter because initially I thought it was a comedy.

WOLFMAN- GRRRRRAGGHHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- You did too. Oh good, so it wasn't just me. Whew, I feel better. I was lost halfway through and decided to drain the blood from the teenage girl sitting next to me. Thankfully most of the teenage girls in the theater were shrieking, no one seemed to notice.

WOLFMAN- AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- Well excuse me, I get thirsty during these movies. What do you want from me? You're one to talk, you've been leaving your messes around for centuries.

WOLFMAN- OOOWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- Apology accepted.

WOLFMAN- GGGGGRRRRRROWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL

DRACULA- I agree, these types of movies are not for us. I'm with you Wolfie, I will not waste my time on the them anymore. Hungry? Me too. Let's treat ourselves tonight and split a pair of twins.

WOLFMAN- OWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- Triplets you say. HA HA, you are hungry. Alright old friend after you.

INDONESIAN FAMILIES ANGERED AFTER RECEIVING DONATED SHIRTS DECLARING PHILLIES AS WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS

Major League Baseball (MLB) and the charity World Vision are in the doghouse with some Indonesian families who suffered through a massive earthquake in September.
MLB donates "unsalable" merchandise from losing teams to the charity World Vision, which distributes it to needy people throughout the world.
The items consist of mostly t-shirts which were pre-printed in the event a certain team won the World Series so that winning team players can wear them immediately after the game.
Thousands of shirts are pre-printed for both teams declaring each the World Series Champion, and are shipped to sporting goods stores for sale the very next morning (sometimes at midnight the night of the win)for the clamoring fans.

"This is common practice in all professional sports and has been going on for decades. Time is of the essence. You can't wait for the series to be over, and then place an order with the name of the winning team, it could take several days. The moment would be over and only die-hard fans would make a purchase. We'd wind up losing money," said MLB representative Gary Dryden," The downside is we have thousands of items which can't be sold, in this case shirts, hats, etc declaring the Phillies as 2009 World Series Champions. Instead of burning these items, we donate them to the needy, putting clothes on their backs, and giving us a pretty sweet tax right off. A win-win for everybody."

The concept seems like a no-brainer, but some of the recipients of these shirts and hats are not as thrilled as one would have imagined.

"Where the f*#% am I going to wear this shirt?" said earthquake survivor Vuthypong Therawat, "I lost my home to an eartquake, but I'm not a complete loser. I know the Yankees won the World Series, not the lame Phillies. Everyone knows. Cole Hamels quit on his team and Ryan Howard couldn't buy a big hit. I'm expected to wear a shirt that says that they are the champs, what kind of jackass do you think I am?"

"I am truly surprised by this reaction. I thought that they would be thrilled to be receiving clothing after their devastating loss. What's printed on the shirts should be the least of their concerns. They are living in squalor right now wondering where their next meal is coming from, and they're annoyed what a FREE shirt has printed on the front! Ingrates! Well, you know what, they're off the list. Indonesia is officially off the list. I'm fed up!" said World Vision executive Martin Keenaghan.

"World Vision can kiss my ass," said Therawat, "Why don't they just give us shirts that say 'HOMELESS LOSERS' on them instead. It's basically the same thing. Keep your crappy t-shirts. It's like 95 degrees here, most of us don't wear shirts anyway. Rebuild my home and give me some Goddamn food. Now that would be helpful." DD