YOGI BERRA RELIEVED THAT RALPH HOUK DIED

New York-  Yogi Berra slept like a baby last night when news reached him that former Yankees manager Ralph Houk died earlier in the day. Houk, who was 90, died quietly and peacefully in Florida after a brief illness according to family members.

"What a relief," said Berra, "I really thought either me or Whitey [Ford] was gonna be number three, but it turned out to be Houk. I don't mean to belittle his passing, not at all, Houk was a good guy and  a good baseball man, I'm gonna miss him."

The theory that death comes in threes seems to be valid after the passing of 99 year old Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard, 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, and now 90 year old former Yankees manager Ralph Houk. All in a little over a week of each other.

"I was feeling the pressure, I really was. I've been a mess for the past week or so. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. I fell on my face a few days ago and busted up my nose pretty good and had to be rushed to the hospital. I thought that was it. Whitey even sent me a card, thinking that I was next. I missed the Old Timer's Game at the stadium, and I'm sure most of you thought I was next too. Not so fast," said Berra.

Ralph Houk, who had 2 stints as manager of the Yankees from 1961-1974, led the team to back-to-back World Series championships in 1961 and 1962. He was known to have a combustible personality and his hot temper clashed immediately with  Steinbrenner, who bought the team in 1973. Houk resigned in 1974, and even though he won 2 championships, his association with the Yankees and his legacy have been diminished over the years because he helmed the team during the winless and lackluster years of 1964-1973.

"I almost forgot about Houk when I was trying to think of who might be next. How could I forget old Houk? Well, hopefully, the grim reaper's quota is full for awhile. I plan on being around for a bit, especially to see [Derek] Jeter get hitched, and to win my bet with [Alex] Rodriguez.
 As a catcher, I took my fair share of balls off the face. At least I was wearing a mask at the time. He's gonna wish he was in Houk's place when I win. He's seen balls up close traveling at 85 plenty of times, but he's never seen them up close that have been traveling for 85 years."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

REPEATED VIEWINGS OF ‘JERSEY SHORE’ SAID TO BE OF GREAT COMFORT DURING PATIENTS’ FINAL DAYS

Practioners of palliative care, better known as hospice or “end-of-life” care, have stumbled upon a remarkable discovery. It seems that many terminally ill patients are finding it much easier to accept their fates after watching a few episodes of MTV’s smash hit “Jersey Shore.” The show, which features six young Italian-Americans in various stages of undress sharing a house for the summer, has been hugely popular with a younger audience since it’s inception, but it now seems to have found a new, much older audience.

“You must understand,” said Dr. Daniel Mifsud, a doctor at the Edgar J. Fishbein Hospice in Secaucus, New Jersey, “that for these people, most of whom have faced a long and arduous battle with their illnesses, it is often difficult for them to accept the fact that there is little left to be done. Our goal here at hospice is to make their remaining days as comfortable as possible, both for the patients themselves and their families.”

But it was only recently that members of Dr. Mifsud’s staff noticed a strange trend. It seems that once the patients watched a couple of episodes of the hit show, they found a strange inner peace, and often died, quietly and comfortably, not long afterward. “I was watching an episode on the nurse’s station TV late one night,” explained Carol Mannion, a nurse practitioner on Dr. Mifsud’s staff, “and an older gentleman could see the TV from his room. He was a cranky old fellow, very bitter about his fate, but he immediately asked me what channel the show was on. I put it on for him, and he watched two episodes back-to-back. He died about ten minutes later, with a strange smile on his face.”

Floyd DiMarco, whose mother, Charlotte, was nearing the end of a long battle with stomach cancer and was also a patient at the Fishbein Hospice, noticed a similar phenomenon during Charlotte’s final days. “The first two months that Mom was there, she pretty much had that morphine drip going constantly,” he said. Drifting in and out of consciousness, she was largely oblivious to the presence of her son and daughter-in-law, until she overheard them discussing the show one evening. “Out of nowhere, she became more alert than she had been in months. She opened her eyes, and asked us to put MTV on.” Coincidentally, it was the July 4th holiday weekend, and the network happened to be running a “Jersey Shore” marathon. “See, Mom was a fighter. She’d been sick for years, and resisted the idea of palliative care with whatever strength she had left. But once she got a load of Snooky and ‘The Situation,’ she suddenly came to grips with her plight.” She died shortly thereafter, but not before assuring her son that she was at peace, and ready for the inevitable end. “This may sound strange,” DiMarco said, “but I think she was almost relieved. It’s certainly helped me through the grieving process to know that Mom died peacefully, if not willingly.”

The comfort provided by palliative care professionals, while undoubtedly of great value to patients and their families, is unfortunately also somewhat costly, and beyond the means of those who are either uninsured or have plans which do not provide for end-of-life care. But these findings, as pointed out by Bill Cameron, an executive with EmblemHealth of New York, the state’s largest health insurance provider, may enable some families who may not be able to afford palliative care to ease the suffering of a loved one’s final days, nonetheless. “It’s too early to say for certain,” said Cameron, “but at this point, I’d say ‘Screw Hospice.’ Just prop the old geezer in front of the TV, pop in the Season One DVD, and make sure your suits are clean, because it won’t take long.”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

YOGI BERRA SWEATS OUT THE WEEK AFTER THE DEATHS OF BOB SHEPPARD AND GEORGE STEINBRENNER

New York-  Yankees legend Yogi Berra had trouble sleeping all week. On Monday he received the news that 99 year old Yankee announcer Bob Sheppard had passed away, only to hear 2 days later that 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner had also passed. It was sobering news for the 85 year old Berra.

"Sheppard was CLASS through and through, George was something that rhymes with class, if you remove a few letters. I was sad, but not surprised about Shep. He was almost a century old, which is like 100 years, but I was thrown for a loop when I heard about George. And only 2 days apart. That's the part that got me. They say these things come in threes, so I've had cold sweats all week long," said Berra.

Berra is now officially the oldest living person associated with the Yankees, followed by 83 year old ex- pitcher Whitey Ford.

"What's the statue on these things coming in threes? 1 week? 1 month? 3 months? I don't know, I was never any good with numbers, but I guess it's a race between me and Whitey for the third slot. Although, don't count out [Dwight] Gooden, have you seen what he looks like lately?"

Berra's limited mobility prevented him from attending Bob Sheppard's funeral and he doesn't plan on attending the memorial service for George Steinbrenner.

"I'm staying put," said Berra," I sent my symphonies to the families, telling them how sorry I am. I don't think I'll be leaving the house for awhile.  I don't wanna take any chances, I plan on sticking around for a bit. I have a secret, long standing bet with Alex [Rodriguez] that I would live to see [Derek] Jeter get married. He said I'd be pushin' up daisies long before Jeter would settle down. Well, guess what, he [Jeter] got engaged last year, so I'm almost there.
I can't wait to rub it in Alex's face, which is actually the bet. The winner gets to rub his 'you know what'  in the loser's face, which shows you how smart he [Alex] is. The bet was his idea, not mine. If he wins the bet, that'll mean that I'm dead. I really can't lose. I didn't even make it through the 8th grade, what's his excuse?
It doesn't matter, cause I'm winnin' that bet. That's what's keeping me going, the look on his [Alex's] face when he loses and realizes what's about to happen. Sorry Whitey, you're up next. Say hello to Shep and the Boss for me."

(Alex Rodriguez agreed to be interviewed for the story, but when the question was asked about the bet with Yogi Berra, he promptly hung up the phone. Read into that what you will.  Laszlo Ferrar reporting)   DD

LEBRON JAMES CHOOSES MIAMI HEAT- BREAKING THE HEARTS OF CLEVELAND, NEW YORK, CHICAGO AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY

Greenwich, CT-  After months of speculation as to which uniform Lebron James will be wearing next season, the wait is finally over. In a televised 1 hr interview on ESPN last night called, "The Decision", James announced his intention to sign with the Miami Heat alongside friends and NBA superstars Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. The 'decision' has left those outside of the Miami area upset and highly critical of James's announcement.

While fans in Miami rejoiced and celebrated after hearing the news, citizens of Ohio, most notably in Cleveland, were inconsolable. Several groups got together to have #23 jersey burning parties. Cleveland residents weren't the only ones devastated by the news, fans in cities such as New York, Chicago, New Jersey and Los Angeles also voiced their displeasure with James's choice.

"I'm so upset," yelled Elsa Oliphant, a 62 yr old florist from Queens, "I was so sure that he was coming to the Knicks that I made a floral arrangement 6' 8" tall in his image wearing a Knicks uniform. It's made entirely out of various colored carnations and took me an entire week to make. What am I supposed to do with it now?"

"He led us on," said Carlos Silva, a Chicago based tax attorney," he played a selfish game, toying with several teams, knowing full well that he was going to Miami all along. He tarnished his image with that ridiculous 'interview' last night. Jordan never did anything like that. This guy wants to be like Mike, good luck. He's not even worthy of rinsing out MJ's Hanes briefs."

The General Managers of the teams that were spurned by James have vowed to put it behind them and improve their teams by any means necessary, through free agency, trades or working to improve existing players on their rosters. One former suitor of Lebron James, however, is more deeply hurt than the rest. That suitor is former game show panelist and current contributor to The Daily Drivel, Charles Nelson Reilly. Reilly showed up at Lebron's agent's office in Cleveland last Friday and made an ambiguous offer to the confused basketball player.

"The two o'clock meeting was bizarre," said Leon Rose, James's agent," my secretary said Charles Nelson Reilly is here for you, and I thought it was strange that Charles Barkley, Don Nelson and Pat Riley were all here together. I didn't quite understand, but I told her to send them in. When the door opened and this person waltzed in wearing some sort of toga we were all in complete shock. No one moved. Lebron sat there the whole time with his mouth slightly open staring in disbelief as this person made some sort of sales pitch. I couldn't quite focus on his presentation because I was dizzy from all the perfume he was wearing. He smelled like my grandmother. I'm still not quite sure, but I think he was asking Lebron to be his house boy or something. He said something about having a big hole to fill and that Lebron was the right fit. Lebron never said a word. Just stared. The whole 'meeting' lasted ten minutes, he left his number on the desk and skipped out. Literally skipped. It was surreal."

Charles Nelson Reilly watched the Lebron James interview in his hot tub alongside pals, Rip Taylor, JM J Bullock and Paul Lynde, and was in complete shock that he wasn't picked.

"We had a connection, it was kismet when our eyes met, dontcha know. I cannot believe that he picked the Miami Heat over me.  Oh! Oh! I refuse to believe it. I have so much more to offer him than they can. This can't be right! I'm at a loss," said a befuddled Nelson Reilly. "Well I've waited this long, I guess I can wait 5 more years. In the meantime, I think I'll put my "feelers" out there and see if I can make another offer. I'm curious about this Rudy Gay. Something about his name intrigues me. Can't quite place my finger on it, but trust me, I'll get to the bottom of it. I always get to the bottom. Oh! Oh!"

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

*(Editor's note- Rudy Gay agreed to a 5 yr- $84 million deal with the Memphis Grizzlies last week, I don't have the nerve to tell Charles myself, maybe one of you can send him an anonymous note. Thanks, JB)

THE DISCERNING PALATE WITH CHAUNCEY ST. BERNARD

RESTAURANT REVIEW: MARTY SCORSESE’S MEAN STREETS STEAKHOUSE

Bend over, Ben Benson, and push off, Peter Luger! There’s a new king of New York Strip on the New York strip, and his name is Marty Scorsese. Yes, that Marty Scorsese. “Sparks” are indeed flying on the Big Apple restaurant scene, and you don’t have to be packing a Smith &Wesson at Smith & Wollensky to know that the auteur-turned-restauranteur, working in conjunction with executive chef Sonny Kerpous, has arrived in a big way.

You’ll be greeted by a maitre’d whose sense of humor is dry, and a double martini that’s even drier. Do try the house’s signature cocktail, the Bloody Marty, garnished with a Kosher dill “Travis Pickle.” The wine list is extensive, and heavily slanted toward the crimson. Peruse it while sampling the fare from the complimentary “Bringing out the Bread” basket, which includes the housemade “Last Temptation of Crust” baguette, and biscuits rightfully advertised as “So good, you’ll want to kiss the ‘Joe Don’ Baker.” Also memorable is the “Rupert Pupkin Blueberry Muffkin.”

Obligatory appetizers include Clams “Casino,” “Shutter Island” Oysters, and the delectable “Fast Eddie Felson’s Fried Calamari.” Less memorable are the “Sharon Stone Crab Claws,” whose best days are clearly past.

But beef is the reason you’re here, and Bill the Butcher himself would be proud of this array, proudly heralded on your menu under the heading, “Are you talking to Meat?” There’s the “DeNiro Delmonico,” the “Leonardo Loin,” the “Raging Bull Ribeye,” (your waiter will actually shout, “You bother me about a steak?” as it is delivered to the table), the Harvey Keitel-inspired “Prime Rib au Judas,” and the show-stopping “Paul Sorvino Porterhouse,” a steak so big you’ll have enough leftover to soothe two black eyes in the morning. Steer clear of the forgettable “Cape Steer,” a bland petite filet, but do not skimp on the exquisite side dishes, which include “Aviator Asparagus,” sauteed baby “Depart-ichokes,” “Mary Magdalene’s Mushrooms,” and the must-have “Max Cady Mashed Potat-y.”

Desserts are so-so, save for the “Gangs of New York Cheesecake,” and the Jodie Foster-inspired “Iris,” described on the menu as, “A saucy little tart served with a glass of 14-year old port.” Just remember to bring plenty of cash, because green is “The Color of Money” well-spent at this gem, which sadly doesn’t take credit cards. So usher in the “Age of Indulgence,” at Marty Scorsese’s Mean Streets Steakhouse. I’d tell you to go ask Alice, but good luck finding her, because Alice doesn’t live here anymore.

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK AT IT..........DISCUSSING THE FREE AGENCY OF LEBRON JAMES.........

  
Paul- Hello America, it's been awhile since we've chatted. Charles and I have been quite busy, keeping our eyes on the world's athletes for you. So much has been going on, isn't that right Charles.

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- We've been watching soccer, or futbol as it's known in most of the world, tennis, auto racing, you name it, we've been watching it. Isn't that right Charles? 

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul-  My partner Charles over here is the laziest, most unprofessional sports reporter in the business. Isn't that right Charles?

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- THAT'S IT!! CHARLES!! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Charles- Whoa. Whoa there big fella. Don't get your panties in a twist. No need to yell.

Paul- I had to get your attention Chuckles, our fans are dying to hear from us. What in the name of Rip Torn has you so distracted today?

Charles- I was just gazing at the new screensaver on my laptop- LeBron about to "jam one home" as they say.

Paul- Is that so? What, pray tell, do you know about jamming one home?

Charles- More than you know sister, more than you know.

Paul- You are a vile creature Chuck. But, while we're on the subject of Mr. James, July 1st or better yet, midnight tonight, begins the most highly anticipated free agent class in the history of professional basketball. Along with LeBron, we have: Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Dirk Nowitzki, Joe Johnson, David Lee, Amare Stoudemire, and several others.

Charles- LeBron is definitely the cream of that soup.

Paul- He is talented, but don't discount the others. I wouldn't mind getting my hands on that Johnson or a big German Dirk, now that's a big man who knows his way around a ball.

Charles- You know that I have a meeting with LeBron on Friday afternoon after the Knicks and Bulls are done talking to him.

Paul- You do?  For what possible reason?

Charles- I'm throwing my hat in the ring and making an offer for LeBron's services.

Paul- Impossible. You are not the owner of an NBA team.

Charles- So.

Paul- What do you mean so? You cannot make LeBron James an offer.

Charles- Watch me.

Paul- What kind of an offer are you going to make him.

Charles- Pool boy. Masseuse. Whatever. Don't worry, I'll have an opening for him, dontcha know.

Paul- You realize he's going to be getting at least $16 million, for one year, and he's looking for a multiple year contract. Do you have that kind of moolah Chuckles?

Charles- Of course not. But I'll tell him the contract will have a back end load.
He'll get a huge lump in the end. Oh Oh.

Paul- You truly are vile.

Charles- You're just jealous. I can't wait for Friday, I have the perfect kimono and matching feather ear rings to wear. He won't know what hit him, especially after I douse myself with half a bottle of Chalimar.

Paul- Good Luck Chuck. Stay tuned fans, this could get ugly. Until next time.

LIFESTYLES SECTION

ENTERTAINING AT HOME WITH

PAM PUTZNAGEL: PARTY PLANNER PAR EXELLENCE

Well, it may only come once every four years, but I for one absolutely love the World Cup. The pride, the pageantry…and especially the parties, which give me the opportunity to break out some of my little used recipes from around the globe. If you’re looking to wow your friends and neighbors at your next World Cup-themed party, these are sure to be a hit.

This year’s tournament is being held in South Africa, and six different countries from that culinary goldmine of a continent are represented. Rest assured, your friends from Cameroon and Cote d’Ivoire will go ballistic for the following, which is my interpretation of a Cameroonian classic:

CURRIED ZEBRA   (serves 8-10 as an appetizer)

2 pounds boneless zebra meat, cubed Juice of 2 limes

2-3 tablespoons Serengeti Seasoning 1 cup Medjool dates, pitted

¼ cup vegetable oil 2 tablespoons chopped parsley

2 tablespoons each minced garlic and ginger Salt and pepper, to taste

½ cup monkey urine vinegar

2 heaping tablespoons brown sugar

Toss the meat with the Seasoning and let marinate, at least 4 hours but preferably overnight. Heat the oil in a large earthenware pot over high heat until shimmering, and then brown the meat on all sides, in batches if necessary, and remove. Add the garlic and ginger, and saute for one minute. Deglaze the pot with the monkey urine vinegar, and bring to a boil. Add the meat back to the pot, along with the brown sugar, lime juice, and dates, and simmer over medium heat for approximately 14 hours, until the meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. I SAID IMMEDIATELY !

Those of you going for more of a European flair would do well to serve up a heaping bowl of this Sloth Stew to your Slovenian and Slovakian comrades:

SLOTH STEW   (serves 12)

2 Slovenian tree sloths, 8-10 pounds each (preferably live) 2 cups cubed potatoes

3 tablespoons Romanian Rub 1 quart Dalmatian’s milk

½ cup vegetable oil ¼ cup chopped parsley

1 large red onion, thinly sliced Salt and pepper, to taste

½ large fennel bulb, thinly sliced

If using live sloths, promptly kill them with either a gunshot to the head, or by clamping jumper cables onto their nipples and hooking them up to a car battery (although they may continue to scream and twitch, you can be sure they are dead now). Working quickly, skin and debone the sloths; dice the meat into ½ inch cubes, toss with the Rub, and marinate for at least 4 hours, or preferably overnight. While the meat is marinating, place the bones, viscera, and severed head in a large stock pot, cover with cold water, and bring to a boil. Simmer the sloth broth for 3-4 hours, skimming any scum that rises to the top. Strain the broth and set aside; you’ll need 6-8 cups for the stew (any leftover broth can be frozen). Heat the oil in your largest Dutch oven over high heat until shimmering, and then add the meat, in batches if necessary, browning on all sides. When meat is browned, move to a platter and set aside. Add the sliced onion and fennel, and sauté for 2-3 minutes, until just beginning to brown. Add the potatoes and Dalmatian’s milk, bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and simmer for approximately 3 ½ days, until meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!!!

Both of these dishes keep well, and are excellent reheated a few days later, but you know my motto: “With dishes this delicious, leftovers are suspicious.” Don’t miss my next installment, when I’ll show you how to liven up your 4th of July bash with my world famous Feral Cat Fricassee. Bon Appetit!!!