RANDY QUAID AND WIFE ARRESTED AS SQUATTERS

Montecito, Ca-  Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested this week as trespassers in a home that they no longer own. Allegedly, the Quaids caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Montecito, California home, breaking expensive mirrors and replacing them with pictures of themselves. According to court documents, the Quaids sold their former home to a movie studio exec named Bruce Berman, back in 1991.
Why, almost 20 years later, the Quaids suddenly believe this home to be magically back in their ownership is anyone's guess.
It does, however, follow a bizarre pattern the couple has undertaken in the past decade or so:

2000- Randy Quaid stormed behind the counter of a local pizzeria in Santa Barbara demanding free spaghetti and meatballs, claiming that he sold the owner of the restaurant ten dozen tomatoes grown on his property that he was never compensated for.
"This goddamn sketty sauce was made with my goddamn pa-matoes, and me and the missus are sure as hell gonna have some!" screamed Quaid to a basically empty restaurant, "my goddamn pa-matoes. Did you hear me? If you stiff a Quaid you'd better expect to pay the piper."
The owner of the restaurant, Luigi Pantangelo, tried to placate the outraged Quaid by giving him a free pot of spaghetti and meatballs to make him go away.
"I dunno who a this nutjob is, and I a don't care. I want him outta my pizzeria. Bad for business to have a nutjob like a this screaming. I buy a my tomatoes from a da same company I buy all a my produce. Why I'm gonna buy a tomatoes from some nutjob? From a his backyard? Getta the hell outta my store."

2003- While shopping in Beverly Hills, the Quaids came across a miniature collie tied to a parking meter outside of a clothing store. Evi Quaid untied the leash and the couple walked with the dog while they continued their window shopping. The frantic owner came out of the store and chased the Quaids down the street. The dog's owner, Roz Silverstein, confronted the Quaids and demanded her dog back.
Randy Quaid told Silverstein to "get bent" and refused to return the animal.
"Where I come from, whatever you put at the curb is considered unwanted by the person that put it there. If we put an old chair at the curb, have at it. If we put an unwanted rug at the curb, enjoy it. Do you see what I'm saying? Same theory applies here, as far as I'm concerned. You put a nice little poochie at the curb, someone's gonna take it. And  guess what? We did. Evi wanted it, so, that as they say, is that," said Quaid to the crowd that had gathered around. Beverly Hills police arrived and immediately made the Quaids return the dog to Silverstein. A publicist for Quaid released a brief statement saying the incident was just a minor misunderstanding.

2005-  Quaid accosts an 11 yr old boy riding a red Schwinn bicycle down Bear Valley Pkwy in Escondido, Ca. Quaid determines that this is the same bicycle that was stolen from him 40 years prior. The fact that Quaid grew up in Houston, Texas and this was Escondido, Ca, did not seem to faze the actor, nor did the fact that this was a new bike, obviously not 40 years old.
"You can try and change things, hell, you can replace every single part on the bike, which is obviously what they did, but I know what I know. I'd know that ol' Sting-Ray from a mile away, I loved that goddamn bike. You can't fool a Quaid. We're reunited and it feels so good."
The bike was, in fact, a Sting Ray, which had been discontinued for more than 30 years, and had just returned to the market in 2004.  The style of the bike was totally updated from that of its predecessor, but Quaid was undeterred in his belief that this was his old bike. He pushed the young boy to the ground and hopped onto the 20" juvenile bike, whose frame immediately bent under the weight of the 260 lb Quaid.
"They ruined my old Sting-Ray! Ruined her! They changed everything! Why? Why? Why?" sobbed Quaid.
Quaid settled out of court on an undisclosed amount with the family of the young boy.

The list of incidents goes on and on, and are much too numerous to list here.

In a day and age when people such as Joaquin Phoenix are pretending to have lost their minds and are trying to dupe an unsuspecting audience, it is refreshing to see the antics of a celebrity who actually is crazy. There are no cameras following around Randy Quaid to document these acts of insanity, and for that we can only say, 'Thank You'.  Keep making us smile big fella.

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

OHIO MAN LAMENTS LACK OF VOWELS

Shaker Heights, OH- Zbygniew Khrystich, a machinist at nearby Smithson Industries, is a first generation American of Polish-Russian descent who has made his hard-working, immigrant parents proud. A respected union leader and local zoning board member, he and his wife, Elena, are also the proud parents of two teenage daughters, the eldest of which is beginning her sophomore year at Cleveland State this fall. The 52-year old (who could easily pass for a man ten years younger) enjoys a round of golf every Sunday after Mass, weather permitting, with the same three friends he’s known since high school, and their families often vacation together come wintertime. In many ways, he is the personification of the American dream…and yet, he is unhappy.

“For most of my life,” Khrystich explained,” I was plagued by the notion that something was missing from my life, and I’d never know true happiness until I found what it was.” It was only recently, after some sessions with a therapist, that Khrystich began to suspect that the source of his unhappiness: his own name.

“We have a large Italian community here,” he continued, “and when I’d see some of those names- Aiello, Napolitano, Esposito- I would feel a strange sense of unease, as though they were members of a fraternity that would never accept the likes of me.” But Khrystich credits Dr. Shlomo Mendelbaum, his psychologist, with helping him unlock the mystery. “Now I know that it is my deep-rooted envy of their melodious, vowel-enriched names that has made me unhappy all these years.”

“Ziggy, as I like to call him,” explains Dr. Mendelbaum, “has harbored such deep resentment all these years toward these people, despite their outward kindness and acceptance of him in the community as one of their own.” Even his wife, Elena, by all accounts a devoted wife and loving mother, has stirred his sense of unrest. “She has more vowels in her name than consonants,” Dr. Mendelbaum explained. “It’s almost unfair.”

Further complicating the matter is the fact that Khrystich’s parents, Thaddeusz and Ludzmilla, are alive and well and living nearby, and would be horrified if their beloved Zbygniew attempted to distance himself from his ancestry. “Every Christmas it’s the same- pierogies and borscht, pierogies and borscht,” Khrystich continued, becoming more animated. “Do you have any idea what that looks like when it’s all on the same plate? I’m tired of food that looks like something hacked up by a bulimic Cossack. Christ, I’d give my left nut for a lousy slice of turkey.”

But Dr. Helmut Dinckelacker, another local psychologist who once treated Khrystich, begs to differ. “I don’t think it is ze lack of vowels,” he explained in his heavily accented English, “so much as it is ze abundance of consonants zat is ze problem. I suggested to him zat perhaps he drop an ‘h’ or two from ze surname, or maybe even change ze ‘y’s’ to ‘i’s’, but he just called me an idiot and stormed out.” Dr. Dinckelacker then shook his head and sighed. “Without even paying ze bill, I might add.”

When asked for a reply to Dr. Dinckelacker’s comments, Dr. Mendelbaum was unimpressed. “Oh, please. That quack is clueless; his patients never stop calling me. In fact, I’m thinking of naming the 3,000 square foot extension I’m building on my house ‘The Dinckelacker Wing,’ with all the business I’ve gotten from him over the years.”

Khrystich, for his part, seems resigned to his fate. “Well, Dad just had a checkup, and his cholesterol’s lower than mine, so it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” he said with a sigh. “And both of Mom’s parents lived well into their nineties, so it looks like I’m stuck for now. But once they kick, you’ll be able to find me in the Yellow Pages under ‘Alopecia Areata.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

ACCORDING TO HER FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE- TAMMY COLLINS IS SO PSYCHED ABOUT CALLING IN SICK AND HITTING THE BEACH TODAY

Tammy Collins updated her Facebook status to let everyone know her plans to call in sick to work and head to the beach.




Miss Collins's history of giving out too much information on her status updates have become legendary, and have usually resulted in some sort of backlash against her.


The following are samples of some of her posts over the past year:

Jan, 1 2010 (10:07 am)- Tammy Collins can't believe I had sex with the valet parker guy at last night's New Year's Party in the back of that crappy Subaru- Hope Dan doesn't find out. LOL

This post led to the subsequent divorce of Tammy Collins from Daniel Slater, who read her status 7 minutes after she posted it. It also contributed to the firing of Enrique Vega from his job at Villa Roma catering hall, and the lawsuit filed by the Hoffmans, owners of the Subaru.


Mar, 10 2010 (1:31 pm)- Tammy Collins hates her job as hostess at The Blue Water Bistro on West Elm Street. You wouldn't believe how filthy the kitchen is. YUK !!!! OMG-They reuse food there from people who didn't finish their meals. DISGUSTING!!!

Miss Collins was promptly fired 3 hours later when she arrived at the restaurant by the manager, who was alerted of the post by one of the waitresses. An inspector from the local Board of Health made a surprise visit 2 days later, and the restaurant was closed by the end of the week.


May, 22 2010 (4:16 pm)- Tammy Collins is having a horrible time at her neighbor Tanya Moseley's BBQ. Too many black people here. I feel like I'm in a Spike Lee movie, I think I'm the only whitey LOL. I can't wait to get the heck out of here.

Tanya Moseley received an alert on her Blackberry a few minutes later and immediately threw Miss Collins out of her backyard, and hasn't spoken to her since. Tanya Moseley had been used by Miss Collins as a reference for a job interview, and, well, you can imagine how that phone conversation went.


Jun 6, 2010 (9:34 am)- Tammy Collins is so looking forward to her 10 yr H.S. reunion tonight. I hope that Christina (the bitch) Morales and Julie (the ugly slut) Fitzpatrick aren't there. GOD I HATED THEM SOOOO MUCH !!!

Christina Morales Carpenter and Julie Fitzpatrick were, in fact, in attendance at the McKinley High School Ten Year Reunion at the Summit Hotel and Conference Center. The evening did not go as planned for Miss Collins whose car needed to be towed after it was "mysteriously" given 4 flat tires and a shattered rear window. Julie ("the ugly slut") Fitzpatrick did, however, seem to have a good time that evening, leaving the reunion with Tammy Collins's date, former valet parking attendant, Enrique Vega.


Aug 17, 2010 (8:11 pm)- Tammy Collins cannot believe her cousin Sara's children are such homely and spoiled brats. Just spent the day at their house. WOW these kids are rotten little bastards!!! NO MANNERS... NO PERSONALITY... I'm sorry to say but Sara and her husband Jack aren't much better- I guess you can't blame the kids with parents like that. JK- NOT..LOL

Sara's daughter Tess read the post a few days later. Tess had "friended" her aunt Tammy a few months ago and always checked the status of her favorite aunt. Tess is now in therapy two days a week. Tammy and Sara are no longer speaking.

As of the publishing of this story Tammy Collins was happily spending a lazy day at the beach. Undoubtedly at approximately 9:01 tomorrow morning she will be looking for new employment.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

NY JETS COME TO TERMS WITH DARRELLE REVIS

Florham Park, NJ-   Darrelle Revis has finally ended his months long holdout and accepted a 4 year contract from the NY Jets. The star cornerback and his agent had previously turned down several prior offers from the Jets, leading some to speculate that he would hold out and not play at all this season.

Although Revis was asking for over $16 million per year, he settled for $46 million over the 4 years, with $32 million of it guaranteed, which breaks down to....well....4 into 46, 11....and carry the...oh whatever, let's just say it's a lot more than you and I make and we'll call it a day.

In a Daily Drivel exclusive, we were able to get a copy of the demands made by Revis and his agent:

I, Darrelle Shavar Revis, do make the following requests from the New York Jets:

1. $16 million per year for a minimum of 4 years ( Half of which must be guaranteed).

2. The owner of the team, Mr. Robert Wood Johnson IV, must learn to say and spell my name, and stop referring to me as, "Darryl Rivers" and "Dontrelle Willis". It would be especially helpful when I try to cash paychecks.

3. Please have  Rex Ryan wear clothes at ALL TIMES. If he needs to shower or take a soak in the hot tub, do it at home, or at least 1 hr AFTER all players, personnel, their families, and generally anyone with sight, has left the premises.

4. I need Joe Namath to stop "hawking" my ladies when I bring them around, which includes my mom, aunt and grandmother. This ain't the 1970's any more, the cat is creeping us all the hell out.

5. Please have fire marshall Bill or Ed, removed from his seat on the 50 yard line, and placed in one of the upper seats. He's way too annoying. Weird, I guess there's never any fires on Sundays?? We need to look into that.

6. Talk to Gov. Patterson about changing the name of Long Island to "Revis Island". If not, Long Island, then perhaps, Staten Island or at the very least- Randall's Island.

7. Find out once and for all if Joe Namath is wearing a wig. That is way too much hair for a man pushing 70 years old.  And I really need him to stay away from my ladies. Did I mention that?

8. I like Mark Sanchez, but see if Peyton Manning is available. Come on Mr. Johnson, use some of that baby shampoo fortune your granddaddy left you and get us a proven winner.

Joe Namath pretending to listen to Rex Ryan,
while watching a young woman adjust her top.

(The rest of the demands are unprintable in a family publication.)

With the two sides finally coming together, the team can now concentrate on the upcoming season, instead of off field distractions. The season opens Monday night Sept 13th against the Baltimore Ravens, and Darrelle Revis and the Jets should be ready for the challenge.

When asked if Revis being on the field will change the game plan for the Ravens, Linebacker Ray Lewis had this to say:

"Helllll Nooooo. No excuses now when we whip their asses. They have all their players, good for them, they're gonna need them. Revis and Buttheads. I like that, it has a nice ring. Almost as nice as my Superbowl ring. Game on son."


The signing of Revis insures the Jets of having the premier cornerback in the league locked up for the next 4 years. Will he and the Jets live up to all the hype? Only time will tell. The first test is Monday night.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

DOG NEEDS THERAPY AFTER WATCHING OWNERS HAVE SEX

Mobile, AL-  "Rufus" the pooch will not get out from under the Gobinski's bed. He is too upset. He has seen and heard too much.

In a bizarre case of extreme animal cruelty, Buddy and Dot Gobinski have been fornicating in front of their black labrador retreiver, Rufus.

Poor Rufus has witnessed this horrible display one time too many, and now the poor dog refuses to move from under the bed. He has been under there 4 days and counting.

"The traumatized dog has witnessed something that more than likely has scarred him for life. He may not ever be the same again," said animal psychiatrist Dr. Dan Fortuna," it may take months or even years of therapy to make this poor animal right."

The Gobinskis have been married 12 years and still have sex at least once a day, unlike most other married couples who have been married for that length of time. Their love making rituals often involve "role playing" and sometimes things get quite bizarre.

"Buddy and I are a couple of free spirits, we enjoy sex and like to play games to, you know, spice it up a little. We are not afraid to openly show our affection for one another. Rufus never minded before. He's 6 years old now, his puppy days are a distant memory. I'm surprised at his reaction to our love making, he's seen it all before," said Dot Gobinski.

The final straw for poor Rufus may have been the latest bit of role playing done by the Gobinskis. They played "the hungry baker and the glazed doughnut" and poor Rufus apparently had seen enough, and hid under the bed where he still remains.

"That poor animal. After what he's seen I'm surprised he didn't try to impale himself on a sharp implement and commit hari kari. More power to the Gobinskis for enjoying a healthy sexual relationship, but let's face it, Angelina and Brad they are not. We have our work cut out for us trying to get Rufus back to normal.  The first step is getting him out from under that bed, he won't budge," said Dr. Fortuna.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

PATIENT HORRIFIED TO LEARN SURGEON IS SAME GUY WHO USED TO CHEAT OFF HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY CLASS

Portland, OR-  Nathan Pitts had a terrible day. He woke up late for work, brushed with his son's toothbrush by mistake, sliced part of his ear lobe while shaving and bit into an apple that was rotten in the middle. All this before 8 am. Little did he know that this would be the best part of his day.

Nathan Pitts, while checking his Blackberry for messages between sales calls, crashed his Toyota Prius into a truck as he carelessly merged onto the expressway. The next thing he remembers is waking up on a gurney in the hospital, and looking into a vaguely familiar face.

"I wasn't sure what happened or where I was exactly. The man in the white doctor's coat standing over me looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. Until he spoke, and then memories from over 25 years ago came flooding back in," said Pitts, "it was the voice of the boy that used to ask me to drop my shoulder so he could copy my answers on the Biology tests in high school. I almost blacked out again when I found out that he was the surgeon who was about to operate on me."

Pitts's memory did not betray him. Dr. Terrence Ferguson was indeed the same boy who used to cheat off of him in high school, and whose nickname back then was "Roach Clip".

"I was distracted in high school, as most of us are. Girls, music, sports, and yes the occasional joint. That was high school. That's what you did. I took some time off after high school, traveled and sorted my life out. I eventually went to college and then went to the island of Grenada and got my medical degree at St. George's University School of Medicine. It's all legit. Don't worry," said Dr. Ferguson.

Pitts's accident left him with various injuries including: several cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen and a punctured lung, which required emergency surgery. Dr. Ferguson performed the surgery, and proclaimed the operation  a success.

"Piece of cake. I could have done that one with one hand and my eyes closed, and as a matter of fact, I think I did. Late night of partying last night," Said the doctor as he winked at the recovering patient, "just kidding old pal. Now we're even Pittsy. I couldn't have gotten through that boring Biology class without your help."

Pitts is recovering nicely, but still has a nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong.

"They tell me to relax and say everything is fine, that I'll be as good as new very soon. How can I possibly relax? I was just operated on by "Roach Clip"! The guy was as dumb as a rock. He couldn't even dissect a damn frog, and this is the same guy that just had his smelly brown fingernails inside my body.  Oh God, I swear to you he screwed this up somehow! He probably left a scalpel or some sponges or something inside of me. Or worse yet, he removed something that he wasn't supposed to. I need to increase my life insurance policy immediately."

DD ( Betty Diddit reporting)

POPCORN WITH "POP" KAHN

Hello again my fellow movie lovers. This week we are going to move from the theaters to the living room. The release of Jennifer Lopez's movie, "The Back Up Plan" on DVD got me to thinking (which is usually a dangerous endeavor). While Miss Lopez is certainly easy on the eyes (I could pitch a tent and live on that rump quite happily for quite some time), her acting and subsequent movie choices are generally abysmal. The "Back Up Plan" is no exception. Pure unadulterated crap.
I started thinking about "cross-over" stars, like the aforementioned Miss Lopez, and wondered who is the most talented and successful, if any, of any of these sort of people.

Let's start with singers who have attempted to become actors.
Now, I may be mistaken, because I don't really like to do all the boring research, but I think J Lo (that's her aka on the streets or so I hear) started off as a dancer, a "Fly Girl" I believe they were called on the show "In Living Color". I could be mistaken, but truthfully, I don't care. So, I'll tell you what we'll come back to her in a bit. We'll continue, unless you have something better to do.
I didn't think so.

The latest crop of "cross overs" (singers to actors) is becoming very crowded. Singers such as: Justin Timberlake, Miley Cirus, Britney Spears, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, have all made their jump to the big screen. Of this new crop, we'll have to go with Jennifer Hudson, since she won an Academy Award (1 of only a very few "cross overs" to achieve this distinction. We'll get to the rest in due course, keep your shirt on). My personal favorite, however, is Beyonce.  I could watch her lounging around the pool in a bikini and become quite captivated, which is exactly what I've done. Investing in a powerful telescope is the best gift I've ever given to myself.

Let's move on. For the record, I don't accept Rap music as singing. As a matter of fact I don't even accept it as music. I call Rap- Retards Attempting Poetry. My wife hates when I say that, she calls me close minded. I really don't care, I'm old and I say whatever the hell I want. That's one of the benefits of being old. Now, even though I have zero tolerance for (c)rap , I'll allow it as music only for the benefit of this article. I have to, it seems every rapper eventually segues into acting. I don't know why this is, it just is. Who the hell knows?
It must be some unwritten rule that regular shmoes like you and I aren't privy to. You rap then you act.

The list is endless and most of these "singers" aren't worth spit as "actors" so I'll whittle the list down to a few of the ones that I think are worthy of mention. I believe the grandaddy of all these rappers turned actors is LL Cool J. I've seen worse, I'm calling you out DMX (figuratively of course, don't come looking for me to put a cap in my ass, or whatever the hell they say). Alright, let me list a few of these ridiculous "names" with the creative spellings, and I'll tell you who I think is the best.  P- Diddy, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Eminem, Mos Def, Snoop Dog, Common. Of these, I'll go with Mos Def, he's not bad, but the best of the rappers turned actors comes down to just 3 names. Queen Latifah, Marky Mark and the one and only Fresh Prince, Will Smith. Mr. Smith is the clear cut winner in this category. I can't believe he was actually once a rapper, he probably can't either. Thank God he moved on.

Now, let's go "old school" and go back to the beginning. It all started with one man, The King, Elvis Presley. He jumped into acting back in the 1950's and cranked out one clunker after another through the 1960's. I'm sorry, but as an actor Elvis was awful. He had a screen presence, I'll give him that, but his acting and movies stink. Save your letters, ok, because I don't read them anyway.

On this list of old timers, along with Elvis are the following:  Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. Let's add some ladies to the list: Barbara Steisand, Bette Midler, Cher and oh what the hell, Madonna. This is a powerful list, and while I'm sure most of you would go with Ol' Blue Eyes (Sinatra), I'm going with Cher. Once again, save your lousy letters, I'll use them to line my bird cage if you send them, no offense. Sinatra did win an Academy Award for his acting, but in my humble opinion, Cher has more range as an actor/actress, and she also has a much better body. Now, listen, Streisand is probably the most talented, because she is a competent director as well, but I can't stand her holier than thou persona. So that's that. Cher wins this round.

Alright, let's throw one final cross-over list into the mix, containing athletes and dancers. This list is pretty thin, as not many have made the successful transition. The most famous is former body-builder Arnold Schwarzenegger (or however the hell you spell that mess of letters). He would definitely be the most successful, and he's been in  a few good movies (Terminator, T2, True Lies) and plenty of bad ones. The rest of the list goes like this: Jim Brown (football), OJ Simpson (murderer, oops sorry- football), Chuck Norris (karate),  Bruce Lee (martial arts), Carl Weathers (football), Bob Uecker (baseball), Mikhail Baryshnikov - I have no idea if I came close to spelling that right, nor do I care (ballet dancer), Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (wrestling) and let's end where we began with the ample buttocks of Jennifer Lopez (Dancer). Let's face it, the acting on this list is pretty lame. We have to go with J Lo on this one, although maybe I'm going senile, but The Rock has shown some potential (if he can stop making kid friendly garbage that even kids hate).

I love lists, so here is my Top 10 all-time "cross-over" actors:

1. Will Smith (2 time Best Actor nominee- Ali  and The Pursuit of Happyness)
2. Cher (Best Actress Academy Award for- Moonstruck)
3. Frank Sinatra (Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for- From Here To Eternity)
4. Barbara Streisand (Best Actress Academy Award- Funnygirl)
5. Beyonce (No acting nominations, yet, but in a word, delicious)
6. Jennifer Hudson (Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for- Dreamgirls)
7. Queen Latifah (Best Supporting Actress nominee- Chicago)
8. Mark Wahlberg (Best Supporting Actor nominee- The Departed)
9. Jennifer Lopez (Golden Globe nominee  Best Actress- Selena)
10. who cares ?? It sure ain't Hulk Hogan...  I've grown bored with this, and I'm sure you have too

Until next time, don't choke on any kernels......I'm Pop Kahn