LEBRON JAMES CHOOSES MIAMI HEAT- BREAKING THE HEARTS OF CLEVELAND, NEW YORK, CHICAGO AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY

Greenwich, CT-  After months of speculation as to which uniform Lebron James will be wearing next season, the wait is finally over. In a televised 1 hr interview on ESPN last night called, "The Decision", James announced his intention to sign with the Miami Heat alongside friends and NBA superstars Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. The 'decision' has left those outside of the Miami area upset and highly critical of James's announcement.

While fans in Miami rejoiced and celebrated after hearing the news, citizens of Ohio, most notably in Cleveland, were inconsolable. Several groups got together to have #23 jersey burning parties. Cleveland residents weren't the only ones devastated by the news, fans in cities such as New York, Chicago, New Jersey and Los Angeles also voiced their displeasure with James's choice.

"I'm so upset," yelled Elsa Oliphant, a 62 yr old florist from Queens, "I was so sure that he was coming to the Knicks that I made a floral arrangement 6' 8" tall in his image wearing a Knicks uniform. It's made entirely out of various colored carnations and took me an entire week to make. What am I supposed to do with it now?"

"He led us on," said Carlos Silva, a Chicago based tax attorney," he played a selfish game, toying with several teams, knowing full well that he was going to Miami all along. He tarnished his image with that ridiculous 'interview' last night. Jordan never did anything like that. This guy wants to be like Mike, good luck. He's not even worthy of rinsing out MJ's Hanes briefs."

The General Managers of the teams that were spurned by James have vowed to put it behind them and improve their teams by any means necessary, through free agency, trades or working to improve existing players on their rosters. One former suitor of Lebron James, however, is more deeply hurt than the rest. That suitor is former game show panelist and current contributor to The Daily Drivel, Charles Nelson Reilly. Reilly showed up at Lebron's agent's office in Cleveland last Friday and made an ambiguous offer to the confused basketball player.

"The two o'clock meeting was bizarre," said Leon Rose, James's agent," my secretary said Charles Nelson Reilly is here for you, and I thought it was strange that Charles Barkley, Don Nelson and Pat Riley were all here together. I didn't quite understand, but I told her to send them in. When the door opened and this person waltzed in wearing some sort of toga we were all in complete shock. No one moved. Lebron sat there the whole time with his mouth slightly open staring in disbelief as this person made some sort of sales pitch. I couldn't quite focus on his presentation because I was dizzy from all the perfume he was wearing. He smelled like my grandmother. I'm still not quite sure, but I think he was asking Lebron to be his house boy or something. He said something about having a big hole to fill and that Lebron was the right fit. Lebron never said a word. Just stared. The whole 'meeting' lasted ten minutes, he left his number on the desk and skipped out. Literally skipped. It was surreal."

Charles Nelson Reilly watched the Lebron James interview in his hot tub alongside pals, Rip Taylor, JM J Bullock and Paul Lynde, and was in complete shock that he wasn't picked.

"We had a connection, it was kismet when our eyes met, dontcha know. I cannot believe that he picked the Miami Heat over me.  Oh! Oh! I refuse to believe it. I have so much more to offer him than they can. This can't be right! I'm at a loss," said a befuddled Nelson Reilly. "Well I've waited this long, I guess I can wait 5 more years. In the meantime, I think I'll put my "feelers" out there and see if I can make another offer. I'm curious about this Rudy Gay. Something about his name intrigues me. Can't quite place my finger on it, but trust me, I'll get to the bottom of it. I always get to the bottom. Oh! Oh!"

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

*(Editor's note- Rudy Gay agreed to a 5 yr- $84 million deal with the Memphis Grizzlies last week, I don't have the nerve to tell Charles myself, maybe one of you can send him an anonymous note. Thanks, JB)

THE DISCERNING PALATE WITH CHAUNCEY ST. BERNARD

RESTAURANT REVIEW: MARTY SCORSESE’S MEAN STREETS STEAKHOUSE

Bend over, Ben Benson, and push off, Peter Luger! There’s a new king of New York Strip on the New York strip, and his name is Marty Scorsese. Yes, that Marty Scorsese. “Sparks” are indeed flying on the Big Apple restaurant scene, and you don’t have to be packing a Smith &Wesson at Smith & Wollensky to know that the auteur-turned-restauranteur, working in conjunction with executive chef Sonny Kerpous, has arrived in a big way.

You’ll be greeted by a maitre’d whose sense of humor is dry, and a double martini that’s even drier. Do try the house’s signature cocktail, the Bloody Marty, garnished with a Kosher dill “Travis Pickle.” The wine list is extensive, and heavily slanted toward the crimson. Peruse it while sampling the fare from the complimentary “Bringing out the Bread” basket, which includes the housemade “Last Temptation of Crust” baguette, and biscuits rightfully advertised as “So good, you’ll want to kiss the ‘Joe Don’ Baker.” Also memorable is the “Rupert Pupkin Blueberry Muffkin.”

Obligatory appetizers include Clams “Casino,” “Shutter Island” Oysters, and the delectable “Fast Eddie Felson’s Fried Calamari.” Less memorable are the “Sharon Stone Crab Claws,” whose best days are clearly past.

But beef is the reason you’re here, and Bill the Butcher himself would be proud of this array, proudly heralded on your menu under the heading, “Are you talking to Meat?” There’s the “DeNiro Delmonico,” the “Leonardo Loin,” the “Raging Bull Ribeye,” (your waiter will actually shout, “You bother me about a steak?” as it is delivered to the table), the Harvey Keitel-inspired “Prime Rib au Judas,” and the show-stopping “Paul Sorvino Porterhouse,” a steak so big you’ll have enough leftover to soothe two black eyes in the morning. Steer clear of the forgettable “Cape Steer,” a bland petite filet, but do not skimp on the exquisite side dishes, which include “Aviator Asparagus,” sauteed baby “Depart-ichokes,” “Mary Magdalene’s Mushrooms,” and the must-have “Max Cady Mashed Potat-y.”

Desserts are so-so, save for the “Gangs of New York Cheesecake,” and the Jodie Foster-inspired “Iris,” described on the menu as, “A saucy little tart served with a glass of 14-year old port.” Just remember to bring plenty of cash, because green is “The Color of Money” well-spent at this gem, which sadly doesn’t take credit cards. So usher in the “Age of Indulgence,” at Marty Scorsese’s Mean Streets Steakhouse. I’d tell you to go ask Alice, but good luck finding her, because Alice doesn’t live here anymore.

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK AT IT..........DISCUSSING THE FREE AGENCY OF LEBRON JAMES.........

  
Paul- Hello America, it's been awhile since we've chatted. Charles and I have been quite busy, keeping our eyes on the world's athletes for you. So much has been going on, isn't that right Charles.

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- We've been watching soccer, or futbol as it's known in most of the world, tennis, auto racing, you name it, we've been watching it. Isn't that right Charles? 

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul-  My partner Charles over here is the laziest, most unprofessional sports reporter in the business. Isn't that right Charles?

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- THAT'S IT!! CHARLES!! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Charles- Whoa. Whoa there big fella. Don't get your panties in a twist. No need to yell.

Paul- I had to get your attention Chuckles, our fans are dying to hear from us. What in the name of Rip Torn has you so distracted today?

Charles- I was just gazing at the new screensaver on my laptop- LeBron about to "jam one home" as they say.

Paul- Is that so? What, pray tell, do you know about jamming one home?

Charles- More than you know sister, more than you know.

Paul- You are a vile creature Chuck. But, while we're on the subject of Mr. James, July 1st or better yet, midnight tonight, begins the most highly anticipated free agent class in the history of professional basketball. Along with LeBron, we have: Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Dirk Nowitzki, Joe Johnson, David Lee, Amare Stoudemire, and several others.

Charles- LeBron is definitely the cream of that soup.

Paul- He is talented, but don't discount the others. I wouldn't mind getting my hands on that Johnson or a big German Dirk, now that's a big man who knows his way around a ball.

Charles- You know that I have a meeting with LeBron on Friday afternoon after the Knicks and Bulls are done talking to him.

Paul- You do?  For what possible reason?

Charles- I'm throwing my hat in the ring and making an offer for LeBron's services.

Paul- Impossible. You are not the owner of an NBA team.

Charles- So.

Paul- What do you mean so? You cannot make LeBron James an offer.

Charles- Watch me.

Paul- What kind of an offer are you going to make him.

Charles- Pool boy. Masseuse. Whatever. Don't worry, I'll have an opening for him, dontcha know.

Paul- You realize he's going to be getting at least $16 million, for one year, and he's looking for a multiple year contract. Do you have that kind of moolah Chuckles?

Charles- Of course not. But I'll tell him the contract will have a back end load.
He'll get a huge lump in the end. Oh Oh.

Paul- You truly are vile.

Charles- You're just jealous. I can't wait for Friday, I have the perfect kimono and matching feather ear rings to wear. He won't know what hit him, especially after I douse myself with half a bottle of Chalimar.

Paul- Good Luck Chuck. Stay tuned fans, this could get ugly. Until next time.

LIFESTYLES SECTION

ENTERTAINING AT HOME WITH

PAM PUTZNAGEL: PARTY PLANNER PAR EXELLENCE

Well, it may only come once every four years, but I for one absolutely love the World Cup. The pride, the pageantry…and especially the parties, which give me the opportunity to break out some of my little used recipes from around the globe. If you’re looking to wow your friends and neighbors at your next World Cup-themed party, these are sure to be a hit.

This year’s tournament is being held in South Africa, and six different countries from that culinary goldmine of a continent are represented. Rest assured, your friends from Cameroon and Cote d’Ivoire will go ballistic for the following, which is my interpretation of a Cameroonian classic:

CURRIED ZEBRA   (serves 8-10 as an appetizer)

2 pounds boneless zebra meat, cubed Juice of 2 limes

2-3 tablespoons Serengeti Seasoning 1 cup Medjool dates, pitted

¼ cup vegetable oil 2 tablespoons chopped parsley

2 tablespoons each minced garlic and ginger Salt and pepper, to taste

½ cup monkey urine vinegar

2 heaping tablespoons brown sugar

Toss the meat with the Seasoning and let marinate, at least 4 hours but preferably overnight. Heat the oil in a large earthenware pot over high heat until shimmering, and then brown the meat on all sides, in batches if necessary, and remove. Add the garlic and ginger, and saute for one minute. Deglaze the pot with the monkey urine vinegar, and bring to a boil. Add the meat back to the pot, along with the brown sugar, lime juice, and dates, and simmer over medium heat for approximately 14 hours, until the meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. I SAID IMMEDIATELY !

Those of you going for more of a European flair would do well to serve up a heaping bowl of this Sloth Stew to your Slovenian and Slovakian comrades:

SLOTH STEW   (serves 12)

2 Slovenian tree sloths, 8-10 pounds each (preferably live) 2 cups cubed potatoes

3 tablespoons Romanian Rub 1 quart Dalmatian’s milk

½ cup vegetable oil ¼ cup chopped parsley

1 large red onion, thinly sliced Salt and pepper, to taste

½ large fennel bulb, thinly sliced

If using live sloths, promptly kill them with either a gunshot to the head, or by clamping jumper cables onto their nipples and hooking them up to a car battery (although they may continue to scream and twitch, you can be sure they are dead now). Working quickly, skin and debone the sloths; dice the meat into ½ inch cubes, toss with the Rub, and marinate for at least 4 hours, or preferably overnight. While the meat is marinating, place the bones, viscera, and severed head in a large stock pot, cover with cold water, and bring to a boil. Simmer the sloth broth for 3-4 hours, skimming any scum that rises to the top. Strain the broth and set aside; you’ll need 6-8 cups for the stew (any leftover broth can be frozen). Heat the oil in your largest Dutch oven over high heat until shimmering, and then add the meat, in batches if necessary, browning on all sides. When meat is browned, move to a platter and set aside. Add the sliced onion and fennel, and sauté for 2-3 minutes, until just beginning to brown. Add the potatoes and Dalmatian’s milk, bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and simmer for approximately 3 ½ days, until meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!!!

Both of these dishes keep well, and are excellent reheated a few days later, but you know my motto: “With dishes this delicious, leftovers are suspicious.” Don’t miss my next installment, when I’ll show you how to liven up your 4th of July bash with my world famous Feral Cat Fricassee. Bon Appetit!!!

THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

Greetings. I hope you are all having a great summer so far. I am. I'm in the best shape of my life. Eating well, exercising all day long, making new friends. I can't complain, really. Life is simple in prison. I am somewhat of a celebrity in here, mainly because I stole more than the entire prison population put together, times 100. They respect that. I give them tips on  money management, investments more so than laundering, but I dabble in that also. Old habits as they say. I'm really not a bad guy. Not like the fershtinkener media would have you believe. Madoff has a heart you know. I happen to be a very charitable gentleman, that part is never mentioned of course. Madoff is the devil, or the next closest thing. Hogwash!

Madoff is not a monster.               

Did I let billions of gallons of oil seep into the Gulf of  Mexico? No.

                        Did I push Gary Coleman down the stairs and let him bleed to death while I yawned my way through a 911 call? Certainly not.

Did I undercook millions of mini meatballs giving thousands of tots the trots like the so-called

'Chef Boyardee'?

Not on my worst day.

Did I ever cheat on my beautiful wife with hordes of sleazy women like Jesse James and Tiger Woods?

Well, maybe I should quit when I'm ahead. You get the point. There are far worse among you than old Bernie. If anything I am a modern day Robin Hood, "I stole from the rich, and, oh well, I can never remember how the rest of that saying goes. No matter, you catch my drift.
The neanderthal guard is signaling for me to stop typing. This is the one true torment of prison life, being told what to do by a schmuck who makes $55,000 a year ($42,400 after taxes). I had more than that in loose change in the cushions of my couch back home.  Alright, Alright, I'm stopping you putz.
Madoff out.

LOCAL NEWS

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The Science Spot with Dr. Harry Proboscis

This week's question was sent to us from 5th grade student- Sean Granderson  in Mrs. Avery's class at Kensington Elementary School:

Dr. Proboscis can you tell me which of these things is the slimiest ?

1 The top of a stone in a shallow stream

2 The hull of 25 yr old a fishing boat

3 A slug

4 A used car salesman
5 A Division 1 College Basketball or Football Coach
                                                                                       

Your first guess would probably be the slug, and a fine guess that would be, until we start delving deeper.  The slug regulates its body water content thru its skin, and secretes a slimy covering which protects the animal from desiccation (drying out). The foot of a slug also secretes a slimy mucus, on which the slug crawls. Thus when the slug moves, it leaves a trail of mucus and slime behind it. Disgusting? Most definitely. But basically harmless, unless of course you are a crop of soybeans or a stalk of corn.

Another excellent choice would be the slippery stone in the stream, whose slime is created by a combination of bacteria and moss growing with the aid of sun light and moisture from the shallow stream. The slippery slime isn't totally apparent until you try stepping on a stone while navigating the shallow stream. Then you realize how truly slimy the stone was as you find yourself lying on your rump. Ouch!

The hull of the boat is similar to the stone in slime content, but with the added treat of barnacles, which are actually crustaceans that adhere themselves to the side of the boat, amping up the slime factor. Unsightly? Yes. Annoying? Yes, especially if it's your job to clean the boat. But also harmless to humans.

Our next candidate is the unseemly used car salesman. This creature is an entirely different form of slimy, synonymous with lying, greed and a complete lack of ethics. A very close cousin to the American 'cold calling' stock broker, but even more prone to slimy behavior. This creature, unlike the previous choices, is in fact, harmful to humans. This creature would probably wear the Slimy crown if not for our final contestant, and in fact our winner:

The Division 1 College Coach

This, according to all our vast scientific studies, is the unquestioned champion when it comes to slimy. This nasty creature incorporates all the attributes of each of the former contestants and ratchets up the slime quotient by incalculable numbers. Please Beware of this creature!

The Division 1 College coach, much like the slug, leaves a trail of slime wherever it ventures and similar to the used car salesman, will do so with a complete lack of ethics. The coach will  destroy a respected school and its reputation and leave just before the investigations are made. Seemingly unfazed and unscathed, the coach will then turn up at another respected school to wreak the same havoc, spreading a thin layer of slime on all those in contact with said creature. The coach will: win numerous games, accumulate vast wealth, accumulate vast wardrobe from Brooks Brothers, become moderately famous, marry an attractive slightly younger woman, have sexual intercourse with numerous even more attractive much younger women (unbeknownst to aforementioned wife), lie to virtually everyone it comes in contact with (most notably recruitment of high school boys and girls and  parents of said boys and girls), encourage "boosters" of the college to give highly recruited athletes certain "perks" (including cash, cars, jewelery, homes, prostitutes) and then plead ignorance when said "perks" are uncovered- all while excreting a slimy mucus from its epidermis, only partially concealed by its Brook Brothers tailor made form fitting suits, and shiny Bruno Magli designer shoes.

Boys and girls, scientific research does not lie.

Thank you Sean for your question, hopefully that clears things up for you.

Until next time, I'm Dr. Harry Proboscis, and this has been The Science Spot.

(Please send all questions/ inquiries to The Daily Drivel- Att: Dr. Proboscis)