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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Chinese Food Container Reaches Milestone In Family's Refrigerator

A container of white rice from Hunan Dynasty restaurant has just passed a milestone in the Crawford family refrigerator. The container, which has remained in the fridge since Labor Day, has surpassed the old record of 5 months and 10 days held by a soft taco from Taco Bell back in the 90's.

The elusive container has survived several holidays, numerous parties, and one scary power outage six weeks ago.

"I thought I was a goner after that power outage. Luckily, it happened when everyone was at work and school. The electricity was off for about 4 hours, but since no one opened the door most of us survived.''

The container has remained undetected for various reasons: Its ability to blend in, its unremarkable contents, its fierce survival instincts, and maybe most importantly, the extreme laziness of the Crawford family.

The container was part of a take out order that consisted of tangerine beef, shrimp with lobster sauce, General Tso's chicken and boneless spareribs. The other items were eaten or thrown out within a week, but the container of white rice slipped behind a bottle of Fresca, where it remained until Thanksgiving.

"Once the holidays began, it's been fairly easy to hide. The leftover sides from Thanksgiving, the Christmas ham and pies, the New Year's cheeses and smoked meats, the leftover hero and potato salad from the Superbowl. I owe my record in part to all those holiday leftovers who've come and gone. I'm proud of my achievement, but I'm not done yet. The half empty jar of gerkin pickles just informed me that the Crawford's are having a party for the Academy Awards next weekend, so I should be good for at least three more weeks minimum."

While the milestone is quite an accomplishment for leftovers, the container still has quite a long way to go if it hopes to rival the longevity of the group known as "The Condiments".

"Listen, no offense to the white rice, it's a special achievement for a "leftover" and all, but he's not even in our class," said the jar of relish," I mean really, if he wants to compete with us, he needs to hang around for at least a year for us to recognize him into our club. I've been here 18 months and I'm the baby of the group. The maraschino cherries and that bottle of hot sauce have been here over 2 years, and that bottle of Worcestershire sauce expired 6 years ago. No one knows for sure how long he's been here. He's older than most of the Crawford kids." DD

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Lolly's Inc Forced To Close Its Doors Due To Stagnant Adverb Market

Third generation family business, Lolly's Inc., is the latest casualty of an ever weakening economy. The Lolly family, pioneers in adverb sales, have finally succomed after several down years.

"People just don't use as many adverbs as they used to," said Lolly, Jr., "when times are tough adverbs seem to be the first things people cut back on. Conjunctions and prepositions are doing fine, but adverbs have taken a direct hit."

Father, son and even Lolly have taken money out of their personal savings to keep the business afloat, but to no avail.
"Not only are people not going nut gathering anymore, they're not planning to or even talking about going. Adverbs mostly modify verbs, which are words of action. Nobody has any money to go or do anything these days, including us," said Lolly III
"Go F*%# yourselves," said bitter 75 year old founder Lolly, Sr., "good luck getting your adverbs at these prices anywhere else. You'll be truly sorry and profoundly embarrassed when you finally realize what you've done to us. For over fifty years we humbly catered to your every whim. We opened early, we opened on holidays, damnit, we stayed open late as often as possible. You pricks ruined us !! When this economy slowly recovers, as it inevitably will, we won't be around to help you. Try making plans without us!!"

At press time Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla, Interplanet Janet and Mr. Morton were in contact with Bill from Capitol Hill to see if he could use his various connections in Congress to get Lolly's Inc. a government bailout. Indubitably. DD

Wednesday, February 4, 2009



Let's face it folks, we're all fucked.