"My intellect has taken a step backward since discovering The Daily Drivel" - Albert Einstein
" When I read it I begin to hate my fellow man. I want to hit something"- Mohandas Gandhi
"A complete abomination. We all weep at its very existence"- Abraham Lincoln
"I wouldn't begin my day without it. I've learned so much." - Lindsay Lohan

Saturday, December 27, 2008


Hello friends and loyal readers. First and foremost let me wish you all a very happy holiday and a healthy and happy new year. This time of year we all reflect on our lives and the events of the past year that have transpired, good and bad. I would like to thank all our readers for making our first few months a success. I would like to thank all our writers, photographers and various contributors for their hard work and professionalism. We wouldn't be where we are without you.

Now, on a somber note, I'd like to apologize for my actions at this year's Holiday party. Please accept my humble and sincere apology to all those whom I offended and/or assaulted. Please forgive me. To the staff of the Red Lobster, Please send me a bill for all damages. To the other customers of that evening, please try and forget my lewd behavior and please try and forgive my inappropriate touching and insulting comments.To my staff, I did not mean any of the things that I said, unless of course they were complimentary. Finally, to my family, and that includes all of our loyal readers, I love you all, despite what I might have said that evening. Let's all try and forgive and forget. Let the healing begin. Here's to a fantastic 2009. Josh Banter (Editor- Daily Drivel)

Sunday, December 21, 2008


AsK GaRy BuSeY
Dear Gary Busey: My boyfriend really wants us to move in together, but we've only been dating for three months. I think it's too soon, but I don't want to lose him. I really like him but I'm so confused. What should I do? Signed Confused (Sacramento, Ca)
Well Confused when I can't make a decision I close my eyes as tight as I can for about 45 minutes until it starts to hurt and I start to hallucinate. This usually results in some sort of cosmic intervention. Although, this hasn't always had the best results, like when I'm changing lanes on my motorcycle strung out on cocaine.
Dear Gary Busey: I often fantasize about being married to my husband's father and being my own mother in law. I feel so guilty every time it happens. My husband is a good man, but I just can't help dreaming about his father. Help! Signed Guilty (Detroit, MI)
Hey Guilty(this isn't my daughter in law writing this is it?) when I woke up after one of my self induced comas, I saw the grim reaper standing over me with his dark hood and scythe and said there is still work for you to do. That's why I still walk this planet. Maybe you will have the same type of vision.
Dear Gary Busey: In these tough economic times should I liquidate my stocks and put all my assets in CD's? Signed Puzzled Portfolio (Newport, RI)
Listen Puzzled, you have to free yourself spiritually of man's dilemma. I have a few acronyms which keep me on the right path. SAVE (Shangri-la Accepts Virtually Everyone), TIME (Total Immersion in Mediation is Excellent) and FAITH (Follow All Inca Tribal Habits) Learn them. Practice them. Live them.
Dear Gary Busey: If you have eight cookies and you eat three how many will I have? Signed Riddled (Seattle, WA)
Riddled, you are pushing the boundaries of my patience and disturbing my peaceful frame of mind. Every being has a limit of what it will accept and every lifeform has a degree of anger, which when broached, cannot be contained. I've been threatened before and when that line in the sand is drawn, and then walked over, the force of nature known to humans as Gary Busey will devastate all who oppose him. A maelstrom is coming and earth will never be the same.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Jimmy Carter Thanks George W. Bush For Replacing Him As Worst (Living) Ex-President

Washington- Jimmy Carter is thrilled and relieved by the 8 years George W. Bush has served as president. Carter who is thought of as not only the worst living ex-president, but also as one of the worst presidents in American history, is overjoyed to pass that title onto Bush.
At a recent luncheon in the nation’s capitol, Carter presided over an affair that was attended by President Bush, his father George HW Bush, Bill Clinton, and the body of Gerald Ford, whom no one seemed to know or remember had died in 2006.
“Maybe now everyone will forget my failed presidency, and focus on his terrible 8 years. I inherited a recession, he started one,” joked Carter, “and let’s not forget I didn’t bail anyone out with taxpayer dollars, not even the American hostages in Iran.”
Bush, whose approval rating is the lowest for a president in over fifty years, nodded and shrugged his shoulders as he took the good natured ribbing in stride.
“I still think that you were worse than me Jimmy. I think that history will be a lot kinder to my legacy than yours. I probably won’t be alive to see it, but I’m confident that in 50 or 60 years I will be remembered for my poise and leadership in times of crisis. But you, gosh almighty, I think the only nuts you possessed were grown on your farm,” said Bush slapping Carter on the back and winking at his dad,” those poor hostages would be speaking with an Iranian accent if Reagan hadn’t saved the day. And let’s not forget that whole gas fiasco, I think people are still waiting on those lines to buy gas from your miserable term in office.”
It seems to be a very close call as to which man will be remembered as having the worse presidency, but Carter has done some serious damage control to his legacy with all his charitable work since leaving office. His 2002 Nobel Peace Prize has redeemed his stature in the public eye, leading many historians to create a revisionist history, and painting Carter’s 4 years as president in a more favorable light.
“George, if you want to salvage your reputation, you’d better follow my example and grab a hammer and some nails and start building homes for the underprivileged. I’m actually a lousy carpenter, they have to re-do everything that I attempt, but it makes for a heck of a photo op. There is nothing nobler to the media than a rich old white guy getting his hands dirty trying to help out minorities. They eat it up,” said Carter.
Bush, whose final term is up in January when Barack Obama gets sworn in, is trying to enjoy his final weeks as President. He doesn’t seem to be fazed by all the negative publicity he’s received, and right now is just concentrating on his big move from the White House.
“Moving is such a hassle,” said the sitting duck Commander in Chief, “having to scrounge around for empty boxes behind the dumpster at the supermarket is a huge pain. I used to know a guy at Safeway who would save the good ones for me, but I believe that relationship might be strained. We haven’t spoken in over eight years. I haven’t had the need for boxes in awhile.
“We love Washington, and that house holds a lot of memories for us, a lot of memories. It’s not going to be easy for us to leave; Laura has done so much decorating and redecorating. I just hope the Obamas appreciate our sense of style and sensibilities and don’t start ripping up carpet and re-painting rooms. That would crush Laura.”
Carter, trying to bring the attention back on himself, made sure photographers noticed when he helped a Hispanic bus boy clean off the tables and brought the dirty dishes into the kitchen.
“I just want to help anyone who needs it, no matter the circumstances,” said Carter as he helped an elderly Asian woman on with her coat,” just as I did when I was president. My presidency wasn’t so bad now was it? You know that if a hurricane would have hit New Orleans when I was in office I would have been rebuilding the homes myself, the next day. You know that, right?”
The two men decided to call it a draw, vowing to let history be the judge of their terms in office.
“Hey, look at it this way,” said a jovial Bush,” nobody talks about Andrew Johnson or Warren G. Harding anymore. We were both a hell of a lot better than those two jokers. Time is on our side. Yes it is.” DD


By Count Dracula
Will you please start taking care of yourselves? Your blatant disregard for your health is staggering. Of all the civilizations I’ve ravaged, and I’ve ravaged them all, yours is by far the worst. If you don’t care enough for yourselves, the least you can do is think of me. How am I supposed to drain you of your life sustaining blood when it is full of cholesterol?
My physician has scolded me on several occasions to take better care of myself. It’s embarrassing, sitting there in my underwear on a table covered in wax paper, while a man 500 years younger than me lectures me on my health. Me? Like it’s my fault. My blood pressure is through the roof, my bad cholesterol is up 50% this past year alone, and my red blood cell count is the worst it’s ever been. I exercise, sleep well, and up to recently, ate well. Your complete lack of self control has now affected my health.
Why do you eat so much fried food and slather everything in mayonnaise? You are truly a disgusting lot. Vegetables, fresh fish, rice, grains, fruits, have you forgotten these items? A bowl of oatmeal with a splash of 1% milk, a banana and a glass of 100% orange juice, now that’s a healthy breakfast, not a double fried egg sandwich with cheese and bacon. If you will start your day off on a healthy note, then I can start my day off on a healthy note, when I sink my fangs into your supple neck.
Why can’t you be more like the people of the eastern European countries like Yugoslavia and Hungary? My time with those succulent people was pure bliss. I was so full of energy and ambition in those days. Never in all my existence have I had healthier blood. Those people gave me my doctor’s recommended daily amounts of vitamins and minerals. They tasted great and were also great for me. Their whole diet consisted of vegetables, roots, seeds and maybe a little poultry now and then. They wouldn’t know a doughnut or a corndog if it jumped up and bit them, which, of course is my job. I had a virtual smorgasbord of those delicious people for a few hundred years, but alas, all good things come to an end. I sucked that whole region dry and traveled across the ocean to your supposedly wholesome land. Big mistake.
While your people are much easier on the eyes and nose, your blood is sickening. Why just the other evening I feasted on a young, muscle bound, seemingly healthy surfer, draining him of at least 2 quarts. I was nauseous and dizzy for days. I had no energy and was forced to sit around my tomb watching Spanish soap operas (it’s the only channel I get). It’s getting to the point where I don’t know who to attack anymore.
Now, let’s change gears here for a minute and talk about another problem that you’ve created for me. Have you ever heard of something called a condom? Apparently not, because you idiots are having all kinds of sex with all kinds of people and not wearing anything. Are you crazy or what? In all my years I’ve never been so susceptible to germs. I catch anything these days. I’ve lived through the bubonic plague, and every disease known to man, but now the common cold keeps me coffin ridden for three days.
I don’t want to sound like an annoying parent, but please, I beg you to take better care of yourselves. My afterlife depends on it.

(Editor's note: Count Dracula's opinions are solely his own and have not been edited or changed in any way.) DD

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Co-Stars Complain Of Porn Actor's B O

Burbank, Ca- Harry Pounder, an actor in such adult film classics as, ‘Eight Ain’t Enough’, ‘Submission Impossible’ and ‘The Sore Shank Redemption’, is not as popular with his female co-stars as we are led to believe.
The actor best known to audiences for his enormous member apparently is best known to his co-stars for his heinous odor. Many adult actresses are refusing to work with him until he cleans up his act.
“It’s just common courtesy,” said Pearl Swallows, Pounder’s co-star from the film ‘Cum, Like it Hot’, “the guy has no regard for those around him. In our business we work in pretty close quarters, you know. He reeks of body odor and his breath is just as bad. He smells like rotten cabbage or something. I will not work with him anymore. He makes me gag in more ways than one.”
Pounder, a 20 year veteran of adult films, is surprised by the complaints about his hygiene, not realizing that there was a problem
“Who’s complaining? Who? Pearl Swallows and Sugar Walls? I have news for them, women with surgical enhancements are a dime a dozen in this industry. People buy my movies for one reason and one reason only, and we all know what that reason is. It all looks glamorous to people outside the industry, but it’s hard work, performing on demand in front of strangers with those cameras and hot lights. It’s uncomfortable, but I’m a professional and, yes, I admit that I tend to sweat when I exert myself. I can’t help that, I’ve always sweated a lot, even when I was a kid. But I’m a hard worker, and I take pride in my performance. I’ve been in this business for a long time, I’m not going to worry what one or two women barely out of diapers say about me,” said Pounder.
Unfortunately for Pounder the complaints are not isolated, and the producers of his films are having a real problem finding anyone willing to work with him. His past co-stars all refuse to go anywhere near him, and word has gotten around to those actresses new to the business.
“I worked with him almost a dozen years ago in a film called ‘Anus Ventura: Sex Detective’, and I swore that I’d never work with him again. I warn everyone about him. His smell was terrible, but I‘ll never forget how filthy his fingernails and toenails were. And his ears, wow, Crayola could have gotten a year’s supply of burnt sienna from those things. I’d like to say that I’m amazed that he’s still working, but this business, more than any other, has an incredible double standard. We women have to stay in great shape and do whatever we need to do to look beautiful. The men? They can basically look like trolls, as long as they have a rolling pin between their legs,” said Christy Cummings.
Even camera men are balking when they find out Pounder is starring in a movie that they will be filming.
“In my line of work, my face and camera are almost as close to the action as the woman’s, and I’ve been hit with shrapnel more than once. It happens from time to time, it’s one of the hazards of the job, that’s why I now wear goggles and a bathing cap. Live and learn. But the first time I worked on a Harry Pounder film I was totally unprepared and almost lost my lunch. The director had me come in for an extreme close-up for the “money shot” and I almost passed out. It smelled like low tide in Canarsie. Now, when I get the call for one of his films I put an ointment right under my nostrils like medical examiners use and I cover up with a surgical mask for good measure. Fool me once. I have to hand it to his co-stars, I don’t know how they do it,” said JD Busch.
Producers are casting for the new film, ’Quantum of Semen’ and Pounder would have been the natural choice, but since no one will work with him, they are looking at other actors like Rex Hymen and Jack Hammer. The news is a wake up call to Pounder, and has made him wonder what the future holds in store for him.
“I didn’t realize that my livelihood was in jeopardy. I guess I’ll have to find a stronger antiperspirant, and I’ll start flossing. I hope that solves the problem because I can’t attempt a career change at 45. These films are my life. It’s the only thing that I’ve ever been any good at. I’m uncomfortable in pants; I can’t find any that fit. I only feel comfortable in a loose fitting robe. Where else can I find a job that will let me wear that? DD