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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Movie Review of "STAR TREK" by Bill S. Hatner

To boldly go where no man has gone before. To BOLDLY go where no man has gone before? That phrase meant something once upon a time. Well, I have news for you, a man has been there before. A talented man. A man who can easily make the transition from drama to action to comedy and back again. A man who not only acts, but is a successful businessman, pitchman and philanthropist.
A renaissance man who is just as comfortable on the stage as he is on the back of a horse. A man who can make love to a woman while quoting Shakespeare as he watches the fourth quarter of the game. Now that is a bold man.
That man as you may have guessed is Mr. William Shatner.
I've never met the man, but I hear he is remarkable.
Once upon a time that man, a virile man, a man's man, helmed the Starship Enterprise, not a 90210 wannabe, whose eyelashes are longer than his resume and who looks like he'd be more comfortable in a salon chair instead of a captain's chair.
This is James Tiberius Kirk? I think not!
William Shatner, who has over 50 years acting experience and is the universal face of Star Trek, was snubbed by the director of this remake or pre-quel or whatever they're calling this farce.
They wanted to go in a new direction. Jump start the franchise. Go to the beginning, or so I hear. Funny, Nimoy's phone was ringing but not Shatner's.
Like I said, I've never met the man, but I'm sure his feelings were hurt. Of course they were. He is human after all, even if he appears, shall we say, more than human.
It's not like he doesn't have anything else to do you know. He is an extremely busy and sought after singular talent, who is constantly turning down work, or so I hear.
The way I look at it, it's the director's loss.
As far as the movie goes, I couldn't sit through it. I kept getting a nagging feeling that something was missing, something important.
I think we all know what that is.
J J Abrams, William Shatner's number is unlisted, but I think you might want to try getting in touch with him before you start filming the sequel.
He'll be expecting your call, along with an apology. Just don't call before ten, he likes to sleep late, or so I'm told.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Public Service Announcement: By V P Joe Biden

Hello there my fellow Americans, Vice President Joe Biden here.
Today is May 5th, a perfect day to further express my views that were first espoused on the Today Show with Matt Lauer.
May 5th, or as our neighbors to the south say it, cinco de mayo, is a fitting day to discuss the terrible disease these generous neighbors have presented us with, Swine Flu.
When Matt Lauer asked me if I would tell members of my family not to use commercial airlines, I answered honestly, something I thought the American public would appreciate.
Apparently not. I guess you want me to tip toe around the issue, but I'm not going to do it.
As a matter of fact I'm going to let you all know how I really feel, public opinion polls be damned.
Stay away from all closed "container like" forms of transportation. Airplanes, subways, anything of that nature as I previously mentioned. I wouldn't even get in my own car at this point.
Do not use ATM vestibules, you might as well pick out your coffin now if you go into one of those death traps.
Keep out of anyplace that sells Mexican food or any place, for that matter, where Mexicans might congregate. Good luck to you poor bastards in states that border Mexico. Its been nice knowing you.
Avoid anyone with a Spanish accent, they could be Mexican. Better yet avoid anyone with any form of accent that doesn't sound American. If you don't you'll be bleeding from every orifice on your body within hours. Trust me, I've seen it.
Lock yourselves in your homes, secure the premises, barricade the doors and windows, load your firearms. If anyone attempts to enter your premises, give them a warning shot and then start firing!
Now, listen, it is not my intention to cause a wide spread panic, I'm just trying to look out for my own, of which I consider all Americans. I want us all to be safe and healthy.
That being said I'm warning anyone who coughs or sneezes within 10 feet of me I will be carrying a sidearm, and I'm a damn good shot.
Final words: Avoid everyone and everything and you might manage to stay alive.
Be safe. Be smart. Be careful.
Good Luck and God Speed!!