Monday, November 30, 2009
The addition of a Global Positioning System(GPS) device to one's vehicle is supposed to make driving easier, erasing human error and creating a stress free experience. Hal Evans expected such an experience when he purchased his GPS device two months ago, what he got however was anything but stress free.
"The first few days were a pleasure, an absolute pleasure. I do a lot of driving and not having to fumble with maps and directions was fantastic. The turn by turn directions spoken with a clear professional voice were perfect. Driving was a dream. Unfortunately the good times lasted less than a week. That's when the device slowly started to make my life miserable," proclaimed a dejected Evans.
According to Evans, after a few days of driving the voice started to change, saying things with an edgier, almost angry tone, tinged with sarcasm. Evans thought he was imagining it at first, until the voice blurted out some choice insults regarding his driving skills.
"I was cruising along listening to the radio, singing along to one of my favorite songs, 'Come on Eileen' by Dexy's Midnight Runners, and I missed the turn that I was supposed to make. No big deal, right? Wrong! I guess the device wasn't prepared for someone to disobey its orders and its tone suddenly changed. The volume got louder and it yelled 'Left turn! Left turn! Stupid idiot, you missed the freakin' left turn!' I laughed at first thinking it was a pretty funny built in gimmick, but I quickly realized it wasn't.
Evans's daily road trips became battles of will between the two combatants, as the GPS insulted his personal appearance (usually a pot shot about his thinning hair) or his inability to find or keep a girlfriend.
"I thought I had pretty thick skin when it came to personal insults, but this thing was ruthless and incredibly cruel. I can't even repeat some of the hurtful things it said about me. The final insult was when it got me arrested and I lost my job. That was truly the end of my hellish ordeal with this demonic device."
Evans was arrested in a section of downtown Detroit for soliciting a prostitute and subsequently lost his job as a pharmaceutical salesman. He claims the GPS purposely got him lost in a neighborhood known primarily for illegal drug sales and prostitution. The judge was not amused at Evans's excuse and subsequent blame of his GPS device and made an example of him, giving him six months of probation with a fine of $500, impounding his vehicle, and allowing his name and address to appear in numerous newspapers.
"I told the truth and no one believed me. That thing brought me to the worst possible neighborhood, I had no clue where I was. I pulled over to ask this woman for directions, and she turned out to be an undercover cop posing as a hooker. Before I could even ask her for directions, the GPS started blurting out things like, 'How much for a dirty sanchez?' and 'Get in the car, I want to pay you for sex'. Dirty sanchez? I don't even know what that means. The next thing I knew I was under arrest. What a nightmare. I made the mistake of telling it that I was getting rid of it. It got me first. It laughed at me as I was put in handcuffs. I'll never forget that evil laugh as long as I live." DD
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Walter Haynes will not be asked to bring his side dishes to next year's Thanksgiving feast, or any other gathering for that matter. Haynes, who had never cooked before yesterday, decided to take on the monumental task of providing the accompaniments to this year's turkey at his neighbor's house.
"We extend the invitation to several neighbors every year who have family out of state and would normally spend the day alone. We may have to rethink that plan after this year's debacle," said Dennis McGuire.
Haynes was extremely excited by the invitation and wanted to pitch in and help with the festivities.
"He called Monday and said he really wanted to help and bring something. I suggested some wine or perhaps an apple pie, but he demanded to make all the side dishes. I tried to talk Walter out of it, but he was very adamant about it. I assumed that he had made these dishes before. I found out after sampling them that he had never cooked a dish in his life," said a disgusted Debbie McGuire.
Without a recipe or a plan Haynes went to the supermarket late Wednesday night, wandering up and down the aisles, picking random items and tossing them in his cart.
"I was watching this guy, and I could tell he didn't have a clue," said stockboy Jason "Dutch" Winters, "I figured his wife sent him and he forgot his list, because he was just wandering around for about an hour scratching his head and mumbling to himself. He put back as many items as he picked up. Poor guy, totally clueless."
Haynes destroyed his family's kitchen while creating the three side dishes which were ultimately brought to the McGuire's Thanksgiving dinner. The dishes consisted of: canned and burned brussel sprouts over a layer of unseasoned mashed turnips, a loaf of unsweetened cranberry sprinkled with an unknown cheese, and some sort of pulverized eggplant and uncooked rice dish that may or may not have contained spam.
"The side dishes were a disgrace," said enraged neighbor Vic Tuttle, " I wouldn't feed a pig that slop. Several neighbors got sick. My wife threw up that eggplant mess all over the McGuire's new rug. It was terrible. Terrible. Haynes is a menace! He single handedly ruined Thanksgiving for everyone."
Walter Hayne's wife Gladys and their two daughters, are so embarrassed that they are contemplating moving out of the area.
"We can't show our faces in public after this," sobbed Gladys Haynes, "Walter has embarrassed us yet again. He gets something in that thick skull of his and there's nothing that gets through. We were just recovering from his awful rendition of the National Anthem over the summer at our daughter's softball game when he told everyone he could sing. Now this. The girls and I can't go out in public. I think we'll move in with my parents for awhile and let things cool down."
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
DRACULA- Wolfman, let me ask you, has a woman ever been torn between us?
DRACULA- I don't actually mean physically torn, because you're right Wolfie, that's been done. No, no, my dear hairy friend, I meant in love with both of us at the same time. Do you recall that ever happening?
DRACULA- No, me neither.
DRACULA- Wait, you're right, there was that rather homely gypsy woman back in the 18th century, although I'm not fully convinced that that was a woman. Abnormally large hands and feet, and I could have sworn I bit into an Adam's apple. Blagh, she tasted worse than she looked. Were there any others?
DRACULA- No, no that one liked you, I couldn't get past first bite with that one, she did not find me charming in the least.
DRACULA- Kind of you to say, but no, no, I guess I just wasn't her type. She only had eyes for you, that one.
DRACULA- I'm bringing up "all that old sordid business" as you say because of that movie we just saw, 'New Moon'. I found it extremely unbelievable that's why. Have you ever in all your days seen vampires and werewolves that looked like that?
Do they look realistic to you? Because I couldn't believe what I was watching. I had to supress my laughter because initially I thought it was a comedy.
DRACULA- You did too. Oh good, so it wasn't just me. Whew, I feel better. I was lost halfway through and decided to drain the blood from the teenage girl sitting next to me. Thankfully most of the teenage girls in the theater were shrieking, no one seemed to notice.
DRACULA- Well excuse me, I get thirsty during these movies. What do you want from me? You're one to talk, you've been leaving your messes around for centuries.
DRACULA- Apology accepted.
DRACULA- I agree, these types of movies are not for us. I'm with you Wolfie, I will not waste my time on the them anymore. Hungry? Me too. Let's treat ourselves tonight and split a pair of twins.
DRACULA- Triplets you say. HA HA, you are hungry. Alright old friend after you.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
INDONESIAN FAMILIES ANGERED AFTER RECEIVING DONATED SHIRTS DECLARING PHILLIES AS WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS
Major League Baseball (MLB) and the charity World Vision are in the doghouse with some Indonesian families who suffered through a massive earthquake in September.
MLB donates "unsalable" merchandise from losing teams to the charity World Vision, which distributes it to needy people throughout the world.
The items consist of mostly t-shirts which were pre-printed in the event a certain team won the World Series so that winning team players can wear them immediately after the game.
Thousands of shirts are pre-printed for both teams declaring each the World Series Champion, and are shipped to sporting goods stores for sale the very next morning (sometimes at midnight the night of the win)for the clamoring fans.
"This is common practice in all professional sports and has been going on for decades. Time is of the essence. You can't wait for the series to be over, and then place an order with the name of the winning team, it could take several days. The moment would be over and only die-hard fans would make a purchase. We'd wind up losing money," said MLB representative Gary Dryden," The downside is we have thousands of items which can't be sold, in this case shirts, hats, etc declaring the Phillies as 2009 World Series Champions. Instead of burning these items, we donate them to the needy, putting clothes on their backs, and giving us a pretty sweet tax right off. A win-win for everybody."
The concept seems like a no-brainer, but some of the recipients of these shirts and hats are not as thrilled as one would have imagined.
"Where the f*#% am I going to wear this shirt?" said earthquake survivor Vuthypong Therawat, "I lost my home to an eartquake, but I'm not a complete loser. I know the Yankees won the World Series, not the lame Phillies. Everyone knows. Cole Hamels quit on his team and Ryan Howard couldn't buy a big hit. I'm expected to wear a shirt that says that they are the champs, what kind of jackass do you think I am?"
"I am truly surprised by this reaction. I thought that they would be thrilled to be receiving clothing after their devastating loss. What's printed on the shirts should be the least of their concerns. They are living in squalor right now wondering where their next meal is coming from, and they're annoyed what a FREE shirt has printed on the front! Ingrates! Well, you know what, they're off the list. Indonesia is officially off the list. I'm fed up!" said World Vision executive Martin Keenaghan.
"World Vision can kiss my ass," said Therawat, "Why don't they just give us shirts that say 'HOMELESS LOSERS' on them instead. It's basically the same thing. Keep your crappy t-shirts. It's like 95 degrees here, most of us don't wear shirts anyway. Rebuild my home and give me some Goddamn food. Now that would be helpful." DD
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Central Florida- Lloyd Turnip Jr and his son Lloyd Turnip III decided to try and rekindle their strained relationship by having "a boy's night out". The father and son had been embroiled in a 6 month feud which began innocently enough when Lloyd the third insulted his dad's attempt at homemade tapioca pudding and slowly escalated from there to a hatchet fight in and around the family trailer, culminating with each Turnip bloodied, missing several fingers and toes.
"Them Turnips always been trouble, from the day they was hatched," said neighbor Ned Jupps, "trouble with a capital T. They killed my cats with a slingshot the day they moved in, and that's the best thing I can say about them filthy bastards."
The Turnips have, in recent weeks, slowly decided to end their feud, mostly at the urging of Lloyd Jr's ex-wife, Hattie Potts.
"I need those 2 to stay together and the hell away from me. They are 2 of the dumbest creatures to ever walk this good earth. They belong together. I tricked them by telling each one of them that the other was really sorry and had money for the other. Couple a idiots," said Hattie.
The celebratory night out for the Turnips turned ugly and violent almost immediately and ended with father and son locked up for numerous charges. Some of the charges include: Drunk & Disorderly Conduct, Resisting Arrest, Public Lewdness, Vandalism, Trespassing, Arson, Motor Vehicle Theft, DUI, Prostitution, Glue Sniffing and 15 other charges.
"We was just tryin' to have a good time is all," said Lloyd Jr, "shoot, people like to party in different ways. I sure as shit don't tell you folks how to have a good time, so don't be tellin' me and my boy how to. Us Turnips like to turn it up a notch or two, if you know what I mean."
The Turnip boys are likely to face several years behind bars for their conduct, as numerous small businesses and innocent bystanders try to recover from the damage the father and son caused.
"Well, what's done is done. Excuse the crap outta me for takin' my boy out on the town and tryin' to have a little joy in my life. It ain't easy competin' for a boy's attention with all these damn video games and stuff, but I'm tryin' my best" DD