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Sunday, August 29, 2010


Mobile, AL-  "Rufus" the pooch will not get out from under the Gobinski's bed. He is too upset. He has seen and heard too much.

In a bizarre case of extreme animal cruelty, Buddy and Dot Gobinski have been fornicating in front of their black labrador retreiver, Rufus.

Poor Rufus has witnessed this horrible display one time too many, and now the poor dog refuses to move from under the bed. He has been under there 4 days and counting.

"The traumatized dog has witnessed something that more than likely has scarred him for life. He may not ever be the same again," said animal psychiatrist Dr. Dan Fortuna," it may take months or even years of therapy to make this poor animal right."

The Gobinskis have been married 12 years and still have sex at least once a day, unlike most other married couples who have been married for that length of time. Their love making rituals often involve "role playing" and sometimes things get quite bizarre.

"Buddy and I are a couple of free spirits, we enjoy sex and like to play games to, you know, spice it up a little. We are not afraid to openly show our affection for one another. Rufus never minded before. He's 6 years old now, his puppy days are a distant memory. I'm surprised at his reaction to our love making, he's seen it all before," said Dot Gobinski.

The final straw for poor Rufus may have been the latest bit of role playing done by the Gobinskis. They played "the hungry baker and the glazed doughnut" and poor Rufus apparently had seen enough, and hid under the bed where he still remains.

"That poor animal. After what he's seen I'm surprised he didn't try to impale himself on a sharp implement and commit hari kari. More power to the Gobinskis for enjoying a healthy sexual relationship, but let's face it, Angelina and Brad they are not. We have our work cut out for us trying to get Rufus back to normal.  The first step is getting him out from under that bed, he won't budge," said Dr. Fortuna.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Saturday, August 28, 2010


Portland, OR-  Nathan Pitts had a terrible day. He woke up late for work, brushed with his son's toothbrush by mistake, sliced part of his ear lobe while shaving and bit into an apple that was rotten in the middle. All this before 8 am. Little did he know that this would be the best part of his day.

Nathan Pitts, while checking his Blackberry for messages between sales calls, crashed his Toyota Prius into a truck as he carelessly merged onto the expressway. The next thing he remembers is waking up on a gurney in the hospital, and looking into a vaguely familiar face.

"I wasn't sure what happened or where I was exactly. The man in the white doctor's coat standing over me looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. Until he spoke, and then memories from over 25 years ago came flooding back in," said Pitts, "it was the voice of the boy that used to ask me to drop my shoulder so he could copy my answers on the Biology tests in high school. I almost blacked out again when I found out that he was the surgeon who was about to operate on me."

Pitts's memory did not betray him. Dr. Terrence Ferguson was indeed the same boy who used to cheat off of him in high school, and whose nickname back then was "Roach Clip".

"I was distracted in high school, as most of us are. Girls, music, sports, and yes the occasional joint. That was high school. That's what you did. I took some time off after high school, traveled and sorted my life out. I eventually went to college and then went to the island of Grenada and got my medical degree at St. George's University School of Medicine. It's all legit. Don't worry," said Dr. Ferguson.

Pitts's accident left him with various injuries including: several cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen and a punctured lung, which required emergency surgery. Dr. Ferguson performed the surgery, and proclaimed the operation  a success.

"Piece of cake. I could have done that one with one hand and my eyes closed, and as a matter of fact, I think I did. Late night of partying last night," Said the doctor as he winked at the recovering patient, "just kidding old pal. Now we're even Pittsy. I couldn't have gotten through that boring Biology class without your help."

Pitts is recovering nicely, but still has a nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong.

"They tell me to relax and say everything is fine, that I'll be as good as new very soon. How can I possibly relax? I was just operated on by "Roach Clip"! The guy was as dumb as a rock. He couldn't even dissect a damn frog, and this is the same guy that just had his smelly brown fingernails inside my body.  Oh God, I swear to you he screwed this up somehow! He probably left a scalpel or some sponges or something inside of me. Or worse yet, he removed something that he wasn't supposed to. I need to increase my life insurance policy immediately."

DD ( Betty Diddit reporting)


Hello again my fellow movie lovers. This week we are going to move from the theaters to the living room. The release of Jennifer Lopez's movie, "The Back Up Plan" on DVD got me to thinking (which is usually a dangerous endeavor). While Miss Lopez is certainly easy on the eyes (I could pitch a tent and live on that rump quite happily for quite some time), her acting and subsequent movie choices are generally abysmal. The "Back Up Plan" is no exception. Pure unadulterated crap.
I started thinking about "cross-over" stars, like the aforementioned Miss Lopez, and wondered who is the most talented and successful, if any, of any of these sort of people.

Let's start with singers who have attempted to become actors.
Now, I may be mistaken, because I don't really like to do all the boring research, but I think J Lo (that's her aka on the streets or so I hear) started off as a dancer, a "Fly Girl" I believe they were called on the show "In Living Color". I could be mistaken, but truthfully, I don't care. So, I'll tell you what we'll come back to her in a bit. We'll continue, unless you have something better to do.
I didn't think so.

The latest crop of "cross overs" (singers to actors) is becoming very crowded. Singers such as: Justin Timberlake, Miley Cirus, Britney Spears, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, have all made their jump to the big screen. Of this new crop, we'll have to go with Jennifer Hudson, since she won an Academy Award (1 of only a very few "cross overs" to achieve this distinction. We'll get to the rest in due course, keep your shirt on). My personal favorite, however, is Beyonce.  I could watch her lounging around the pool in a bikini and become quite captivated, which is exactly what I've done. Investing in a powerful telescope is the best gift I've ever given to myself.

Let's move on. For the record, I don't accept Rap music as singing. As a matter of fact I don't even accept it as music. I call Rap- Retards Attempting Poetry. My wife hates when I say that, she calls me close minded. I really don't care, I'm old and I say whatever the hell I want. That's one of the benefits of being old. Now, even though I have zero tolerance for (c)rap , I'll allow it as music only for the benefit of this article. I have to, it seems every rapper eventually segues into acting. I don't know why this is, it just is. Who the hell knows?
It must be some unwritten rule that regular shmoes like you and I aren't privy to. You rap then you act.

The list is endless and most of these "singers" aren't worth spit as "actors" so I'll whittle the list down to a few of the ones that I think are worthy of mention. I believe the grandaddy of all these rappers turned actors is LL Cool J. I've seen worse, I'm calling you out DMX (figuratively of course, don't come looking for me to put a cap in my ass, or whatever the hell they say). Alright, let me list a few of these ridiculous "names" with the creative spellings, and I'll tell you who I think is the best.  P- Diddy, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Eminem, Mos Def, Snoop Dog, Common. Of these, I'll go with Mos Def, he's not bad, but the best of the rappers turned actors comes down to just 3 names. Queen Latifah, Marky Mark and the one and only Fresh Prince, Will Smith. Mr. Smith is the clear cut winner in this category. I can't believe he was actually once a rapper, he probably can't either. Thank God he moved on.

Now, let's go "old school" and go back to the beginning. It all started with one man, The King, Elvis Presley. He jumped into acting back in the 1950's and cranked out one clunker after another through the 1960's. I'm sorry, but as an actor Elvis was awful. He had a screen presence, I'll give him that, but his acting and movies stink. Save your letters, ok, because I don't read them anyway.

On this list of old timers, along with Elvis are the following:  Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. Let's add some ladies to the list: Barbara Steisand, Bette Midler, Cher and oh what the hell, Madonna. This is a powerful list, and while I'm sure most of you would go with Ol' Blue Eyes (Sinatra), I'm going with Cher. Once again, save your lousy letters, I'll use them to line my bird cage if you send them, no offense. Sinatra did win an Academy Award for his acting, but in my humble opinion, Cher has more range as an actor/actress, and she also has a much better body. Now, listen, Streisand is probably the most talented, because she is a competent director as well, but I can't stand her holier than thou persona. So that's that. Cher wins this round.

Alright, let's throw one final cross-over list into the mix, containing athletes and dancers. This list is pretty thin, as not many have made the successful transition. The most famous is former body-builder Arnold Schwarzenegger (or however the hell you spell that mess of letters). He would definitely be the most successful, and he's been in  a few good movies (Terminator, T2, True Lies) and plenty of bad ones. The rest of the list goes like this: Jim Brown (football), OJ Simpson (murderer, oops sorry- football), Chuck Norris (karate),  Bruce Lee (martial arts), Carl Weathers (football), Bob Uecker (baseball), Mikhail Baryshnikov - I have no idea if I came close to spelling that right, nor do I care (ballet dancer), Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (wrestling) and let's end where we began with the ample buttocks of Jennifer Lopez (Dancer). Let's face it, the acting on this list is pretty lame. We have to go with J Lo on this one, although maybe I'm going senile, but The Rock has shown some potential (if he can stop making kid friendly garbage that even kids hate).

I love lists, so here is my Top 10 all-time "cross-over" actors:

1. Will Smith (2 time Best Actor nominee- Ali  and The Pursuit of Happyness)
2. Cher (Best Actress Academy Award for- Moonstruck)
3. Frank Sinatra (Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for- From Here To Eternity)
4. Barbara Streisand (Best Actress Academy Award- Funnygirl)
5. Beyonce (No acting nominations, yet, but in a word, delicious)
6. Jennifer Hudson (Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for- Dreamgirls)
7. Queen Latifah (Best Supporting Actress nominee- Chicago)
8. Mark Wahlberg (Best Supporting Actor nominee- The Departed)
9. Jennifer Lopez (Golden Globe nominee  Best Actress- Selena)
10. who cares ?? It sure ain't Hulk Hogan...  I've grown bored with this, and I'm sure you have too

Until next time, don't choke on any kernels......I'm Pop Kahn

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ravings of a Madman: (or Brief Anecdotes by a Guy Who Knows How You Should Be Living Your Life a Whole Lot Better Than You Do)

A New Daily Drivel Column

By Paco Quintana

Brief Bio:

I am a middle-aged elementary school teacher who lives in Queens, New York. That’s all you need to know about me. Why? Because this column is not about me, it’s about you, the general public; a thorn in my side since 1967!!

I Don’t Like Old People

O.K., before you write me off as a horrible, insensitive person, do me a favor. On any given week day (when most productive people in this country are working), get in your car and drive to your local supermarket. When you are stopped at an intersection about a block from your destination you may begin to wonder why, even though the light has changed from red to green, you are still not moving. Now, look directly in front of you at said intersection. You will see a little, old person (usually a woman, but we’ll get to that later) pushing a shopping cart across the street. This doesn’t sound like any great offense, except for the fact that she started across when the walk symbol was almost expired. Now, after you have been stopped at this intersection for twenty-five minutes you begin to think that you will be moving fairly soon. Keep on dreaming! A tiny piece of paper has fallen out of Ethel’s cart. Oblivious to the fact that she is now directly in front of an 18- wheeler, Mabel abandons her cart to pursue what turns out to be a coupon for 7 cents off Colgate toothpaste. Even though Blanche hasn’t had teeth since the Reagan administration, she pursues this coupon with reckless abandon. Since this coupon is now stuck behind your front tire, Agnes bangs her decrepit hand on your newly washed hood and indignantly motions for you to back up so that she can get her precious document (which by the way expired in May/06). Finally, Matilda retrieves her precious coupon, spits on the hood of your car, gives you the evil eye, and finishes her exodus across the street. You are now free to begin the next phase of your geriatric adventure only slightly older than Harriet was when she began her merry jaunt across the boulevard.

 As you enter the parking lot you discover an obstacle course of oldies (my cute little name for these vile, misanthropic creatures). Even though these ancient malcontents are only half the size they once were, their automobiles of choice are always twice as big as the vehicles the rest of us (whom I’ll deem society’s productive citizenry) drive. If you’re familiar with the 1972 Pontiac Bonneville, you’ll note that the hood of this automobile is slightly longer than the field of the new Meadowlands Stadium. When a 4 foot 5 inch oldie with smudge filled bifocals attempts to drive this monstrosity the result is disastrous; disastrous for us, since these odorous villains are obviously immune to injury or death.

Somehow you manage to park your vehicle and make your way into the store. Once inside you breath a sigh of relief, there are at least as many productive people in there as there are oldies. In a street brawl you may come out on top; however you suddenly remember how dirty these prehistoric cretins can fight. You don’t want to go home with a set of dentures hanging from your… well you get the picture.

After several altercations with these cantankerous, old fossils, who never get out of your way and will wrestle you to the ground for that one semi-ripe avocado, you finally make it to the checkout line and…. (Now, don’t b.s. me…..we’ve all been there, so take that stupid look off your face and start being honest with yourself; one old broad + 76 expired coupons + you = the fiery pits of Hades!!!!)

I think I’ve made my point. Now let’s get some things straight. I am a firm believer in the fact that people don’t change. That nasty, nefarious, closed minded, old bat was just as nasty, nefarious, and closed minded when she was twenty. So, what happened to all the nice people, didn’t they get old too? Well, here’s the answer to that question; no, they’re all @#$#%^ dead!!!!!!! That idiot with the big nose from Oyster Bay, Long Island got it right, “Only the good die young”.

What’s that? Some of you may be thinking, “Hey Quintana, what about the old men, you only ranted about the women?” Well to that I’ll just kindly ask you to open your eyes and look around. Do you see any old guys? Did you know you grandfather, or was he around by the time you turned ten? The answer to both of those questions is no. Why? Because there are no old men!!!! They just don’t exist. They’re basically the stuff of legends and fairy tales.

I know what you’re thinking, “Quintana, you’re horrible!!!” Well, maybe I am…in fact maybe I’m so bad that I will one day be the world’s first and only old man. But somehow I doubt it. With all those old battleaxes in front of me on the checkout line, I’ll never make it.
Quintana out!

Friday, August 13, 2010


On this day in history, in the year 1957, weak swimmer Jason Voorhees drowned in murky Crystal Lake.  His untimely demise was blamed on 2 horny camp counselors attempting to do the horizontal hokey pokey, instead of checking on the whereabouts of young Jason Voorhees. This may or may not be true.

The bigger question was, and is, why was the boy such a terrible swimmer? Was this not a summer camp called, "Camp Crystal Lake"? Shouldn't someone going to a camp, whose very name mentions a large body of water, have some sort of swimming skills? Where was his buddy?  Why was he alone? We all know the rules of summer camps. Everyone has a swimming buddy for this exact reason, so that you don't go drowning in the lake.

Somehow, someway, Jason Voorhees thought a night swim was a great idea, while possessing absolutely no swimming skills, on Friday the 13th of all days. Now the Voorhees family will never be confused with Rhodes scholars, that I can assure you, but this idea was dumb, even for a Voorhees.

Did Jason Voorhees drown in the lake or not? We don't know. His young body was never found.
What we do know is 22 years later, on Friday the 13th, camp counselors at the newly renovated and re-opened  "Camp Crystal Lake" were butchered by a very angry gentleman wearing a hockey mask and carrying a very large machete. Is this the work of that same lousy childhood swimmer? Perhaps. I don't think there were too many people seeking revenge on counselors at "Camp Crystal Lake" except for those who died in their care. That is a short list. A very short list containing one name, and that name is not Michael Phelps. 

This has been- "This Day in History" I am Prof. Lars Von Streudel

Thursday, August 12, 2010


New York-  Mets relief pitcher Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez has given up a lot of crucial hits this year, but none quite as big as the hits he gave to his father-in-law last night.

According to eyewitnesses, the father-in-law made a funny comment about K-Rod's weight, and the Mets closer started throwing punches at the older gentleman.

"The father-in-law was just trying to be funny, pointing at his [K-Rod's] stomach and asking how many months along he was. K-Rod can be a bit of a baby and started yelling curses in Spanish and began hitting the old guy. He's used to giving up a lot of hits, but these hits were certainly not earned," said the unidentified clubhouse source.

K-Rod was taken into custody in Queens and charged with Third Degree Assault, which is a misdemeanor. The father-in-law, meanwhile, was taken to the hospital suffering from a bump on the head and scrapes to his face and scalp.
The final line on K-Rod's night: 1 walk (in handcuffs), 2 hits, and No balls.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Flint, MI-   Howard Ketcham came home from work last night, changed his clothes, washed his hands, and sat down at the dinner table. After several minutes, a mild panic took over Ketcham's usually calm demeanor, as he realized his wife wasn't home, and there was no dinner waiting for him.

Ketcham sat there for quite some time, waiting hopefully for his wife to come home and serve him his long awaited meal. A few minutes turned into a few hours, and finally with hunger pains driving him forward, Ketcham entered into unchartered territory, the kitchen.

He fumbled around pulling out all the food he could find in the fridge and  pantry, and stared at the stove for 15 minutes before attempting to turn on the burner.

Howard Ketcham had never cooked a meal in his 54 years, and in fact, had only been in his kitchen twice before. Once the day they moved into the house and the other time by accident, looking for the bathroom. 

"I'm not much for the kitchen," said Ketcham," I leave that stuff to Marge [Ketcham's wife]. I'm old fashioned, you know, I do the outdoor stuff and she does the indoor stuff. That's how my parents did it, and that's how we're doing it. It's worked very well, until now, that is."

Ketcham made a valiant attempt to cook his first meal, and while the fruits of his labor were not aesthetically pleasing, the result served its purpose- a man was fed. The kitchen was destroyed in the process, and may never be the same again, but Howard Ketcham is pleased with his efforts.

"Listen, I'm not gonna quit my day job any time soon to become a short-order cook, but I made a meal damn it. I'm proud of that. It wasn't pretty, and it tasted like shit, but I made it with my own two hands. That's more than my father could've said for himself."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Local idiot, Horace R. Finkle, ruined another celebration this weekend. Wanda Niedermeyer's retirement party was supposed to be a happy occasion, surrounded by family, friends and co-workers. The local VFW hall was packed with guests, who came to help Niedermeyer celebrate her retirement. A photographer was hired to document the events, unfortunately, Horace R. Finkle was up to his old tricks and over half the pictures have to be thrown out.

"That idiot ruins everything," said Niedermeyer's husband Drake," he wasn't even invited, and yet he's in almost every photo. Wanda is so upset, the memory book I bought for the party will only have a handful of nice pictures. I hate that jerk!"

Finkle, it seems, refuses to pose normally for a picture, and is usually making a weird face or doing something extremely stupid, ruining the moment.  His antics have been going on for quite some time, and most of the local residents are fed up with him.

Finkle's refusal to take normal pictures is up for speculation, and Dr. George Levas, a renowned authority on psychological behavior, was consulted regarding this matter. The following is a small portion of the 3 hour response given by Dr. Levas:

"Believe it or not, alcohol only plays a small part in this type of behavior. Yes, it can pronounce and magnify an already existing problem, but this is a classic case of self loathing and an utter contempt for the rules of modern society. Someone like this is uncomfortable in his own skin and, in turn, tries to make those around him uncomfortable as well. This man was probably born with this disorder, and nothing short of a frontal lobotomy will cure him. Extreme? Perhaps. Necessary? Most definitely."

Edna Finkle, Horace's mother, confirms Dr. Levas's theory that he was born with this annoying trait.

"This is nothing new, he's been doing this crap his whole life," said Edna Finkle, "He's been weird since birth, he was even making ridiculous faces in pictures as a newborn. He ruined all the class pictures grades K through 11, and his high school graduation picture was so stupid they refused to use it in the yearbook. Just a blank spot with his name next to it. What a complete idiot. He needs help."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)