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Thursday, September 24, 2009

LIBYAN LEADER MOAMMAR GADHAFI PRACTICES STAND UP ROUTINE AT UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY



United Nations(NY)- Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi grabbed his manila folder full of material and slowly strolled to the podium,a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye. The self proclaimed "king of kings" adjusted the microphone, straightened out the various wraps adorning his body, and proceeded to speak for 96 continuous minutes in a mystifying stream of consciousness.
He began speaking to a full house and 1 hour 36 minutes later his audience consisted of delegates from French Guyana, The Ivory Coast, Bora Bora and 3 cleaning people.

Most members of the General Assembly gave up 15 minutes into Gaddafi's speech.
Gadhaffi, whose name has a different spelling each time it appears, touched on a wide variety of topics, never quite forming complete rational thoughts.

Here are some excerpts from Mummar Quaddafi's mind-bending speech:


13 minutes: "I want to tell you that I still despise Ronald Reagan. He was a terrible leader and a coward of a man, and yet I find all of his old movies completely charming. I have watched them all, hundreds of times. I am torn between my hatred for this man, and my love of his interplay with Bonzo the monkey. I miss him. In another century, under different circumstances, we would have been best friends. Inseperable buddies. Or we would have brutally killed each other. One way or the other, it would have been glorious. Is anyone hungry?
Can I have a falaffel extra yogurt sauce and a fresca with no ice ...."



39 minutes: "If you were stranded in the desert with a goat, a sheep, and a chicken, which one would you have sex with? Why choose just one! True story. Hey, Hey, Yemen, don't you judge me! I see the look that you just gave Senegal. And you too Botswana, I'm sure you have a skeleton or two in your closet...."



53 minutes: "I have ugly feet look at them. No, don't! Look away, they're hideous! They're so hairy and my toenails are all black and uneven. I'm embarrassed of them, yet I wear sandals constantly. I can't help it, they really go with any style of robe, or several layers of robes, and any type of hat, whether it's a kuffi, turban or what have you. I didn't always feel this way, but I do now.
Wake up are you listening to me? I know most of you have jet lag, but this is very rude...."


74 minutes: "The oceans are the future, we must take to them and start breeding humans with gills so that we can evolve and prosper. There is so much more room in the sea, why can't anyone see this besides me. We have gone as far as we can go on the land. We need to start this tonight. Who's with me?...."


88 minutes: "Is anyone else sick of this Megan Fox yet? She's hot and sexy, no doubt about that, but she's crazier than a shit house rat. What's with all the weird tattoos? Has the world run out of beautiful, sexy women that we need to put her picture on the cover of every magazine? Is it me? Am I alone in this? Can I see a show of hands if you're with me? Helllloooo is this thing on?...."




Quaddafy mercifully ended his rambling speech at 96 minutes, as some speculated that he was going to try and break Fidel Castro's record from the 1960's of over 4 hours.
The Libyan leader enjoyed his time in New York on the big stage so much that he just booked a 3 night stint at Caroline's Comedy Club.
It is unclear how audiences will react to him, but it is safe to say that he'll probably get a better reception than Tom Arnold, and will surely be funnier. DD

Monday, September 21, 2009

KER PLUNK GOES MILTON BRADLEY'S CAREER AS CHICAGO CUBS RIGHTFIELDER

























Chicago- The Cubs have seen enough of controversial baseball player Milton Bradley, and have decided to suspend him for the rest of the season. Bradley, who is playing for his seventh team in ten years, angered Cubs management by lashing out at the fans,calling them racists and complaining that the OPERATION is run like a BATTLESHIP.
Bradley has had some sort of TROUBLE at each stop in his ten year career, leading some analysts to believe that he has ANTS IN THE PANTS.
Anger management classes have not seemed to help calm Bradley down who is not only having problems on the field, but also in THE GAME OF LIFE.
Sources close to the player say his animosity toward the fans stems from his perceived lack of support from them due to his focused and intense quest for PERFECTION. Fans find his angry demeanor off- putting, saying he should be as thrilled as a BARREL OF MONKEYS that he's being paid a lot of money to play the game of baseball. A job most people would kill to have.
As for now the Cubs have seen enough of Bradley's tired act and are undecided if they are going to try and trade him. Several teams with post season aspirations are acting like HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS and are already contacting the Cubs to inquire about his availability and want to gobble up his bat for the playoffs.
Winning seems to be the bottom line with most of these teams, who don't seem worried that Bradley's disruptive force, akin to a 150 mph gale force TWISTER, will rip their clubhouses apart.
Who knows? Maybe the next stop for Milton Bradley, the eighth team in ten years, will prove to be the right fit for this troubled player. SORRY, but I don't think so.
SIMON says not a chance. DD

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

HEADLINES FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY

MASSACHUSETTS- THE BODY OF SEN. EDWARD (TED) KENNEDY HAS BEEN PICKLED IN AN EIGHT FOOT CUSTOM MADE BOTTLE OF GORDON'S GIN AS PER HIS LAST WILL & TESTAMENT



CALIFORNIA- GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER CALLS RESIDENTS OF AREA OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DEVASTATED BY WILDFIRES WIMPS, SAYING IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO DAMAGE CAUSED DURING FILMING OF RED HEAT



MINNESOTA- BRETT FAVRE DECIDING TO ENTER POLITICS WHEN HIS FOOTBALL CAREER IS OVER, OR MAYBE NOT


NEW HAMPSHIRE- THE LEGALIZATION OF GAY MARRIAGES IN ADJOINING STATE OF VERMONT HAS NEW HAMPSHIRE REQUESTING "HOMO" SEAT BUFFER BETWEEN THE 2 STATES


NEW YORK- METS PLAYER DAVID WRIGHT RETURNS TO ACTION AFTER 2 WEEKS ON DL WITH CONCUSSION, WEARS SPECIAL SAFETY HELMET DESIGNED BY FRED FLINTSTONE PROTEGE THE GREAT GAZOO



FLORIDA- RAPPER Flo Rida DECIDES TO END LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH PROMISCUOUS EX-GIRLFRIEND AND FELLOW RAPPER, I Da HO



WASHINGTON DC- PRES. OBAMA ANGRY UPON RETURN TO WHITE HOUSE AFTER VACATIONING IN MARTHA'S VINEYARD TO FIND THAT MICHELLE LEFT SEVERAL LIGHTS ON AND THE GIRLS FORGOT TO EMPTY KITCHEN GARBAGE, LEAVING HOUSE INFESTED WITH FRUIT FLIES



PENNSYLVANIA- EAGLES QUARTERBACK DONOVAN MCNABB SUDDENLY REALIZES BEGGING OWNERSHIP TO SIGN MICHAEL VICK NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA, SINCE VICK PLAYS SAME POSITION AND WILL PROBABLY TAKE HIS JOB