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Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Recession Diet


The recent economic meltdown has negatively impacted millions of lives around the globe. Here at home, unemployment levels have reached an 80-year high, and Americans are losing their homes to foreclosure at a record pace. Spirits are at an all-time low…and not coincidentally, so are our cholesterol levels.

Yes, it seems as though there is indeed a silver lining amidst all the darkness. Due to inordinate amounts of stress, consumer anxiety, and a simple lack of funds, Americans are dining out less, entertaining less, and generally eating less overall these days, much to the delight of cardiologists everywhere. “Things haven’t been this good since the days of the breadlines,” said Dr. Mark Rosenberg, a cardiologist affiliated with the Hospital for Special Surgery in Manhattan. “I’m seeing far fewer cases of what I like to call ‘FTOS’ Syndrome these days. You know, as in ‘Fat Tub of @%&#.’”

Dr. Kevin Luks, a prominent pediatrician with offices dotted across Rhode Island, took those sentiments one step further. “These days, even the kids are slimming down,” he said. “Once upon a time, my practice was nothing more than a parade of roly-poly little punks. But now, I’m seeing a lot less girth out of these snot-nosed little bastards, and I sincerely doubt that it’s the result of an improved exercise regimen, if you get my meaning.”

However, an informal poll of shoppers at a local Walmart showed that, while a tightening of the purse strings has indeed led to a tightening of belts, most Americans are none too pleased by the development. “Who the hell has money for snack cakes,” ranted one disgusted shopper, who identified herself only as “Milly from Philly.” “I’m just trying to keep my lights turned on,” she continued, “even if I no longer get as winded when I climb a flight of stairs.” Tanya Stubblefield, another local shopper, offered a different take. “Sure, I know times are tough, and I can see the stress taking its toll on my husband,” she said. “But I’ll tell you what, I haven’t looked forward to summer this much since I was a teenager, because I am gonna rock that bikini on the beach this year. Look out world!”

One area of consumption which has proven to be somewhat recession-proof has been alcohol consumption, which, perhaps not surprisingly, has been up 30 to 40% in some areas over the last eighteen months, according to recent studies. “But it’s not like the Dom Perignon is flying off the shelves,” cautioned Brad Green, a local liquor store owner. “It seems like all I’ve been selling are gallon jugs of Wolfschmidt Vodka, Gordon’s Gin, and I can’t even keep enough cheap Pinot Grigio in stock.” In a related story, DWI arrests in the area have tripled over the same period.

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

Monday, May 10, 2010


This week's first letter comes from Stan in Speonk:

MR. B E-  The hitch on my trailer is completely rusted, but money's a little tight right now for me to replace it. Is there a way to get rid of the rust?

You bet there is Stan.  There is a way to take care of that nasty rust problem. There was a girl that I knew growing up, we'll call her "Blanche". That woman could get the chrome off of a bumper, if you know what I mean. Probably cost you only a few wine coolers. Just joshing of course. What you need to do is get yourself some aluminum foil, crumple it up and soak it in coca cola. Once you start rubbing it on the hitch, you'll be amazed at the amount of rust that comes off. Imagine what that cola does to your stomach. Nasty stuff. That's why I stick to bourbon.

MR. B E-   You are a blight to the neighborhood. The chemicals you use in your backyard are dangerous and toxic. My daughter rode her bike through a puddle of liquid in the street in front of your driveway and the bike disintegrated. She came home crying, holding the handlebars and her little horn. That's all that was left. You are a menace Mavrovitis. From an Enraged Neighbor

Enraged neighbor, How dare you sir! Everything used on my premises is disposed of properly and safely. I abide by all the proper town codes.  Your daughter's bike probably came apart because a clueless puke like yourself put it together. Is this the same neighbor who's been peeking through my shades at night trying to sneek a peek at my wife? I bet it is. Well, neighbor, you obviously know where I live, so why don't you stop by one of these days. Okay tough guy?

MR. B E-   Instead of purchasing one of those expensive Weber grills, I used your advice and made my own barbecue grill out of items I had  lying around my property. Thank you, it worked like a charm. I now have third degree burns over 50%  of my body and am missing 2/3 of my nose and  most of my left ear. What the hell were you thinking when you told me to use liquid oxygen?   From Charred in Charleston

 Wow, what is this pick on Dean day? Hey Charred,  I'm sorry for your unfortunate accident, but let's get something straight, I gave those instructions to someone I believed to be a man, obviously I grossly  under estimated your testosterone level. Toughen up pal, it's only skin, it grows back for Christ's sake. I warned you about the liquid oxygen, or as those in the know like to call it- LOX.  I said be careful, did I not?
I told you that an ignition source, such as a lit cigarette, must be present BEFORE pouring on the LOX. If charcoal is PRESOAKED in LOX first, an EXPLOSION will result because one briquette presoaked in LOX is approx equiv to 1 stick of dynamite. Isn't that what I said silly?  I'm sorry, Charred, but I'm not taking the blame for your ineptness. I've got enough B S going on in my life right now, trust me.

MR. B E-  We're thinking about building an extension on our home so that my mother in law can live with us. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what permits and materials I would need.
From Joe in Jersey

Joe, Joe, Joe. Sweet naive Joe.  The "materials" that you'll need for this job are as follows:

1 head full of rocks (presumably yours)
2 testicles missing (also yours)
2 overbearing women (1 there already, 1 on the way)
1 life over (that's right yours again)

I can not, and will not, assist you in this foolish endeavor.

(If you do however go through with it, make sure the room you build is poorly ventilated  and equipped with a portable propane heater. You can thank me later.)