EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK AT IT..........DISCUSSING THE FREE AGENCY OF LEBRON JAMES.........
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
CURRIED ZEBRA (serves 8-10 as an appetizer)
2 pounds boneless zebra meat, cubed Juice of 2 limes
2-3 tablespoons Serengeti Seasoning 1 cup Medjool dates, pitted
¼ cup vegetable oil 2 tablespoons chopped parsley
2 tablespoons each minced garlic and ginger Salt and pepper, to taste
½ cup monkey urine vinegar
2 heaping tablespoons brown sugar
Toss the meat with the Seasoning and let marinate, at least 4 hours but preferably overnight. Heat the oil in a large earthenware pot over high heat until shimmering, and then brown the meat on all sides, in batches if necessary, and remove. Add the garlic and ginger, and saute for one minute. Deglaze the pot with the monkey urine vinegar, and bring to a boil. Add the meat back to the pot, along with the brown sugar, lime juice, and dates, and simmer over medium heat for approximately 14 hours, until the meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. I SAID IMMEDIATELY !
Those of you going for more of a European flair would do well to serve up a heaping bowl of this Sloth Stew to your Slovenian and Slovakian comrades:
SLOTH STEW (serves 12)
2 Slovenian tree sloths, 8-10 pounds each (preferably live) 2 cups cubed potatoes
3 tablespoons Romanian Rub 1 quart Dalmatian’s milk
½ cup vegetable oil ¼ cup chopped parsley
1 large red onion, thinly sliced Salt and pepper, to taste
½ large fennel bulb, thinly sliced
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
MAN ATTEMPTS TO CLEAR SEARCH HISTORY,
DISCOVERS WIFE HAS BEEN WATCHING MORE PORN THAN HE HAS
44-year old Gene Miller of nearby Ellensville thought he had covered all his tracks.
“I’d either stay up late, under the pretense of having ‘extra paperwork,’ or get up real early, under the pretense of ‘getting up really early,’” Miller told us. “Once the wife and kids were asleep, it was what I like to call ‘Miller Time.’ I’d log onto the family computer, hit the main stops…you know, ‘redtube.com,’ or maybe ‘youporn.com,’ and just have at it. Take matters into my own hands, if you’ll pardon the phrase.”
For months this went on, with Gene naively believing he was pulling the wool over the eyes of his unsuspecting wife, Dolores, until the day when one of Gene’s co-workers suggested it would behoove him to clear his computer’s Internet search history. “I had mentioned to Stan at lunch one day that I had only recently discovered the wonder that is free, unlimited Internet porn. Stan made the recommendation that I clear my search history, so that the wife wouldn’t find out what I was up to.”
Gene was not the most computer savvy person in the world, and it took him awhile to carry out all of the steps his co-worker laid out for him. But when he found his computer’s search history, he made a shocking discovery.
“I recognized all the sites I had been hitting right away, but there were a lot of racy ones on there that didn’t ring a bell. Things like ‘herecomesthejudge.com’ and ‘fistingbythepool.com.’ At first I thought it had to have been a technical glitch, but then I noticed the log-on times for these sites were all between the hours of 10 am and 3pm Tuesday and Thursday...which is precisely when the twins are in Pre-K. It was then that I put two and two together.”
Dolores, for her part, was unapologetic.
‘I ain’t watching’em for the dialogue, I can tell you that,” she shouted over the din of the jukebox. “My motto is, ‘If you can’t get it at home, you can get it on video,’ and let me tell you, getting it on video has been a hell of a lot easier of late. Now get me another vodka and tonic, babe.” It was noted by this reporter that she was wearing a dress that had to have been at least two sizes too small…
DD (Vic Venom reporting)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
BETTY WHITE ADMITS TO AFFAIR WITH TIGER
In what was merely a confirmation of a long-standing suspicion, octogenarian actress Betty White admitted today that she did, indeed, have an affair with golfer Tiger Woods during his philandering days.
“I just didn’t see the point in continuing with the ruse,” the actress said. “I’m 88 freaking years old. Who the hell am I trying to protect?” The not-so-startling admission comes on the eve of Woods’ appearance at this year’s U.S. Open golf tournament, being held on the Monterey peninsula in California, at Pebble Beach. Woods won the 2000 Open on this same golf course by a record 15 strokes, but his hopes for a repeat will surely dampened by this latest scandal.
“Tiger would often give me a “booty call” when he was in L.A.,” White continued. “He told his wife he was visiting his ‘family,’ seeing how he grew up here and all, but that was a crock, obviously. The paparazzi hounded him from the minute he got off the plane, but once they followed him here, they figured he was just paying a visit to a dear old lady in need of some companionship. Little did they know I was rocking his world the whole time.”
White’s sordid admission comes in the midst of a career renaissance for her, as she has recently been a guest host on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” and is co-starring in a new cable TV series, “Hot in Cleveland, “ premiering this fall. And while this latest revelation may prove disastrous to Woods’ attempts to revive his sagging golf career, it will surely do nothing but increase White’s visibility. “I see nothing wrong with the timing of this confession,” White argued. “Why shouldn’t I wait until now, when Tiger is about to tee off in the most difficult golf tournament in the world, and I’m shooting a new series? He used me for his own devious needs, and I’m just returning the favor. Like my slutty old friend Rue McClanahan always said, ‘Get while the gettin’ is good.’”
DD (Vic Venom reporting)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
"I am sick and tired of all the negativity that surrounds me. It's so unfair, so, so, unfair," said a visibly upset Monday through sobs and gasps.
The most popular day of the week is Saturday (39%), followed closely by Friday (35%), and then Sunday (18%) rounding out the top 3. The rest of the days then drop off severely after that, with Thursday (5%) a distant 4th, followed by Wednesday (2%) and Tuesday (1%).
Monday is barely a blip on the radar when it comes to popular days of the week, and in fact wouldn't even be a blip without Monday night football. Monday's legal team wants to change this miserable perception of their client.
"Monday has been wronged, and this is our chance to fix it. Monday is not a bad day. Not a bad day at all. Several Holidays fall on Monday, like Memorial Day and Labor Day, and every 7 years or so it also gets Christmas and New Year's Day. And yet, even with that, people still loathe my client. What does this poor day have to do to appease you people?" said M. Mark Isenblatt, attorney for Monday.
Monday's reputation has seriously affected its confidence and is considering dropping out of the 7 day rotation all together unless some immediate changes are made.
"Everyone hates me, well, I hate Friday. How about that? Saturday can also go to hell. Those two have it easy. Two smug little jerks if you ask me. But then again nobody asks me do they? I'm the loathsome day that everyone despises. Well guess what, I like me. My mother likes me. Even Tuesday likes me, but that's probably not a good defense, because without me Tuesday would be public enemy #1 instead of me. But, I'll take it anyway because the list of my supporters is very short," said a dejected Monday.
U S Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, feels that the case has some validity, but would hate to see Monday go through a long, drawn out, well publicized trial.
"I happen to be a big fan of Monday, I enjoy my work and look forward to Monday. You may roll your eyes at that, but I'm not alone. I'd hate to see Monday go through a televised trial, where many of Monday's skeletons will be dragged out of the closet and put on public display. It could get ugly, and I personally, do not want to see it, or have to render a verdict on it. Hopefully, a concession can be reached, so that Monday can retain a modicum of dignity. Perhaps offering to name a restaurant chain after it, TGIM. That sounds like a good start," said Ginsburg.
We have to wait to find out the fate of Monday, but for now, it will have to keep its chin up and lead off the work week, whether it likes it or not.
"Maybe we can move Friday's happy hour to me, and then Tuesday will be as hated as I am. Something must be done, I can't go on like this!" said Monday.
DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Gore believes that his red hot love making has killed plants, trees and even wildlife in the area near his farm in Tennessee. He even speculates that he and Tipper are partly to blame for a hole in the ozone.
"Our love making is legendary, and I apologize for that. I apologize to all Americans, and in fact, apologize to the world. Tipper and I have made love all over the world, putting millions of lives in serious jeopardy. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Irresponsible behavior on my part. Please forgive me planet earth," said Gore at a news conference.
The news has polarized the scientific community. Some calling Gore's statements ridiculous, while others find some credence in his theory.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
There is a strange phenomenon sweeping the baseball world these days, which has the medical world completely baffled. It seems that many of the great sluggers of the recent past- such illustrious names as Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmiero, to name a few- have actually seen some of their medical woes heal themselves in recent years. Doctors are at a loss to explain the mystery, which appears to be nothing less than a medical miracle.