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"I wouldn't begin my day without it. I've learned so much." - Lindsay Lohan

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Paul- Hello America, it's been awhile since we've chatted. Charles and I have been quite busy, keeping our eyes on the world's athletes for you. So much has been going on, isn't that right Charles.

Charles- Umm hmm

Paul- We've been watching soccer, or futbol as it's known in most of the world, tennis, auto racing, you name it, we've been watching it. Isn't that right Charles? 
Charles- Umm hmm

Paul-  My partner Charles over here is the laziest, most unprofessional sports reporter in the business. Isn't that right Charles?

Charles- Umm hmm


Charles- Whoa. Whoa there big fella. Don't get your panties in a twist. No need to yell.

Paul- I had to get your attention Chuckles, our fans are dying to hear from us. What in the name of Rip Torn has you so distracted today?

Charles- I was just gazing at the new screensaver on my laptop- LeBron about to "jam one home" as they say.

Paul- Is that so? What, pray tell, do you know about jamming one home?

Charles- More than you know sister, more than you know.

Paul- You are a vile creature Chuck. But, while we're on the subject of Mr. James, July 1st or better yet, midnight tonight, begins the most highly anticipated free agent class in the history of professional basketball. Along with LeBron, we have: Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Dirk Nowitzki, Joe Johnson, David Lee, Amare Stoudemire, and several others.

Charles- LeBron is definitely the cream of that soup.

Paul- He is talented, but don't discount the others. I wouldn't mind getting my hands on that Johnson or a big German Dirk, now that's a big man who knows his way around a ball.

Charles- You know that I have a meeting with LeBron on Friday afternoon after the Knicks and Bulls are done talking to him.

Paul- You do?  For what possible reason?

Charles- I'm throwing my hat in the ring and making an offer for LeBron's services.

Paul- Impossible. You are not the owner of an NBA team.

Charles- So.

Paul- What do you mean so? You cannot make LeBron James an offer.

Charles- Watch me.

Paul- What kind of an offer are you going to make him.

Charles- Pool boy. Masseuse. Whatever. Don't worry, I'll have an opening for him, dontcha know.

Paul- You realize he's going to be getting at least $16 million, for one year, and he's looking for a multiple year contract. Do you have that kind of moolah Chuckles?

Charles- Of course not. But I'll tell him the contract will have a back end load.
He'll get a huge lump in the end. Oh Oh.

Paul- You truly are vile.

Charles- You're just jealous. I can't wait for Friday, I have the perfect kimono and matching feather ear rings to wear. He won't know what hit him, especially after I douse myself with half a bottle of Chalimar.

Paul- Good Luck Chuck. Stay tuned fans, this could get ugly. Until next time.

Thursday, June 24, 2010



Well, it may only come once every four years, but I for one absolutely love the World Cup. The pride, the pageantry…and especially the parties, which give me the opportunity to break out some of my little used recipes from around the globe. If you’re looking to wow your friends and neighbors at your next World Cup-themed party, these are sure to be a hit.

This year’s tournament is being held in South Africa, and six different countries from that culinary goldmine of a continent are represented. Rest assured, your friends from Cameroon and Cote d’Ivoire will go ballistic for the following, which is my interpretation of a Cameroonian classic:

CURRIED ZEBRA   (serves 8-10 as an appetizer)
2 pounds boneless zebra meat, cubed Juice of 2 limes

2-3 tablespoons Serengeti Seasoning 1 cup Medjool dates, pitted

¼ cup vegetable oil 2 tablespoons chopped parsley

2 tablespoons each minced garlic and ginger Salt and pepper, to taste

½ cup monkey urine vinegar

2 heaping tablespoons brown sugar

Toss the meat with the Seasoning and let marinate, at least 4 hours but preferably overnight. Heat the oil in a large earthenware pot over high heat until shimmering, and then brown the meat on all sides, in batches if necessary, and remove. Add the garlic and ginger, and saute for one minute. Deglaze the pot with the monkey urine vinegar, and bring to a boil. Add the meat back to the pot, along with the brown sugar, lime juice, and dates, and simmer over medium heat for approximately 14 hours, until the meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. I SAID IMMEDIATELY !

Those of you going for more of a European flair would do well to serve up a heaping bowl of this Sloth Stew to your Slovenian and Slovakian comrades:

SLOTH STEW   (serves 12)

2 Slovenian tree sloths, 8-10 pounds each (preferably live) 2 cups cubed potatoes

3 tablespoons Romanian Rub 1 quart Dalmatian’s milk

½ cup vegetable oil ¼ cup chopped parsley

1 large red onion, thinly sliced Salt and pepper, to taste

½ large fennel bulb, thinly sliced

If using live sloths, promptly kill them with either a gunshot to the head, or by clamping jumper cables onto their nipples and hooking them up to a car battery (although they may continue to scream and twitch, you can be sure they are dead now). Working quickly, skin and debone the sloths; dice the meat into ½ inch cubes, toss with the Rub, and marinate for at least 4 hours, or preferably overnight. While the meat is marinating, place the bones, viscera, and severed head in a large stock pot, cover with cold water, and bring to a boil. Simmer the sloth broth for 3-4 hours, skimming any scum that rises to the top. Strain the broth and set aside; you’ll need 6-8 cups for the stew (any leftover broth can be frozen). Heat the oil in your largest Dutch oven over high heat until shimmering, and then add the meat, in batches if necessary, browning on all sides. When meat is browned, move to a platter and set aside. Add the sliced onion and fennel, and sauté for 2-3 minutes, until just beginning to brown. Add the potatoes and Dalmatian’s milk, bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and simmer for approximately 3 ½ days, until meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley, and check for seasoning. Serve immediately. DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!!!

Both of these dishes keep well, and are excellent reheated a few days later, but you know my motto: “With dishes this delicious, leftovers are suspicious.” Don’t miss my next installment, when I’ll show you how to liven up your 4th of July bash with my world famous Feral Cat Fricassee. Bon Appetit!!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Greetings. I hope you are all having a great summer so far. I am. I'm in the best shape of my life. Eating well, exercising all day long, making new friends. I can't complain, really. Life is simple in prison. I am somewhat of a celebrity in here, mainly because I stole more than the entire prison population put together, times 100. They respect that. I give them tips on  money management, investments more so than laundering, but I dabble in that also. Old habits as they say. I'm really not a bad guy. Not like the fershtinkener media would have you believe. Madoff has a heart you know. I happen to be a very charitable gentleman, that part is never mentioned of course. Madoff is the devil, or the next closest thing. Hogwash!
Madoff is not a monster.               
Did I let billions of gallons of oil seep into the Gulf of  Mexico? No.
                        Did I push Gary Coleman down the stairs and let him bleed to death while I yawned my way through a 911 call? Certainly not.
Did I undercook millions of mini meatballs giving thousands of tots the trots like the so-called
'Chef Boyardee'?
Not on my worst day.
Did I ever cheat on my beautiful wife with hordes of sleazy women like Jesse James and Tiger Woods?
Well, maybe I should quit when I'm ahead. You get the point. There are far worse among you than old Bernie. If anything I am a modern day Robin Hood, "I stole from the rich, and, oh well, I can never remember how the rest of that saying goes. No matter, you catch my drift.
The neanderthal guard is signaling for me to stop typing. This is the one true torment of prison life, being told what to do by a schmuck who makes $55,000 a year ($42,400 after taxes). I had more than that in loose change in the cushions of my couch back home.  Alright, Alright, I'm stopping you putz.
Madoff out.

Monday, June 21, 2010



44-year old Gene Miller of nearby Ellensville thought he had covered all his tracks.

“I’d either stay up late, under the pretense of having ‘extra paperwork,’ or get up real early, under the pretense of ‘getting up really early,’” Miller told us. “Once the wife and kids were asleep, it was what I like to call ‘Miller Time.’ I’d log onto the family computer, hit the main stops…you know, ‘redtube.com,’ or maybe ‘youporn.com,’ and just have at it. Take matters into my own hands, if you’ll pardon the phrase.”

For months this went on, with Gene naively believing he was pulling the wool over the eyes of his unsuspecting wife, Dolores, until the day when one of Gene’s co-workers suggested it would behoove him to clear his computer’s Internet search history. “I had mentioned to Stan at lunch one day that I had only recently discovered the wonder that is free, unlimited Internet porn. Stan made the recommendation that I clear my search history, so that the wife wouldn’t find out what I was up to.”

Gene was not the most computer savvy person in the world, and it took him awhile to carry out all of the steps his co-worker laid out for him. But when he found his computer’s search history, he made a shocking discovery.

“I recognized all the sites I had been hitting right away, but there were a lot of racy ones on there that didn’t ring a bell. Things like ‘herecomesthejudge.com’ and ‘fistingbythepool.com.’ At first I thought it had to have been a technical glitch, but then I noticed the log-on times for these sites were all between the hours of 10 am and 3pm Tuesday and Thursday...which is precisely when the twins are in Pre-K. It was then that I put two and two together.”

Dolores, for her part, was unapologetic.

‘I ain’t watching’em for the dialogue, I can tell you that,” she shouted over the din of the jukebox. “My motto is, ‘If you can’t get it at home, you can get it on video,’ and let me tell you, getting it on video has been a hell of a lot easier of late. Now get me another vodka and tonic, babe.” It was noted by this reporter that she was wearing a dress that had to have been at least two sizes too small…
DD (Vic Venom reporting)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Science Spot with Dr. Harry Proboscis

This week's question was sent to us from 5th grade student- Sean Granderson  in Mrs. Avery's class at Kensington Elementary School:

Dr. Proboscis can you tell me which of these things is the slimiest ?

1 The top of a stone in a shallow stream
2 The hull of 25 yr old a fishing boat
3 A slug
4 A used car salesman
5 A Division 1 College Basketball or Football Coach

Your first guess would probably be the slug, and a fine guess that would be, until we start delving deeper.  The slug regulates its body water content thru its skin, and secretes a slimy covering which protects the animal from desiccation (drying out). The foot of a slug also secretes a slimy mucus, on which the slug crawls. Thus when the slug moves, it leaves a trail of mucus and slime behind it. Disgusting? Most definitely. But basically harmless, unless of course you are a crop of soybeans or a stalk of corn.

Another excellent choice would be the slippery stone in the stream, whose slime is created by a combination of bacteria and moss growing with the aid of sun light and moisture from the shallow stream. The slippery slime isn't totally apparent until you try stepping on a stone while navigating the shallow stream. Then you realize how truly slimy the stone was as you find yourself lying on your rump. Ouch!

The hull of the boat is similar to the stone in slime content, but with the added treat of barnacles, which are actually crustaceans that adhere themselves to the side of the boat, amping up the slime factor. Unsightly? Yes. Annoying? Yes, especially if it's your job to clean the boat. But also harmless to humans.

Our next candidate is the unseemly used car salesman. This creature is an entirely different form of slimy, synonymous with lying, greed and a complete lack of ethics. A very close cousin to the American 'cold calling' stock broker, but even more prone to slimy behavior. This creature, unlike the previous choices, is in fact, harmful to humans. This creature would probably wear the Slimy crown if not for our final contestant, and in fact our winner:

The Division 1 College Coach

This, according to all our vast scientific studies, is the unquestioned champion when it comes to slimy. This nasty creature incorporates all the attributes of each of the former contestants and ratchets up the slime quotient by incalculable numbers. Please Beware of this creature!

The Division 1 College coach, much like the slug, leaves a trail of slime wherever it ventures and similar to the used car salesman, will do so with a complete lack of ethics. The coach will  destroy a respected school and its reputation and leave just before the investigations are made. Seemingly unfazed and unscathed, the coach will then turn up at another respected school to wreak the same havoc, spreading a thin layer of slime on all those in contact with said creature. The coach will: win numerous games, accumulate vast wealth, accumulate vast wardrobe from Brooks Brothers, become moderately famous, marry an attractive slightly younger woman, have sexual intercourse with numerous even more attractive much younger women (unbeknownst to aforementioned wife), lie to virtually everyone it comes in contact with (most notably recruitment of high school boys and girls and  parents of said boys and girls), encourage "boosters" of the college to give highly recruited athletes certain "perks" (including cash, cars, jewelery, homes, prostitutes) and then plead ignorance when said "perks" are uncovered- all while excreting a slimy mucus from its epidermis, only partially concealed by its Brook Brothers tailor made form fitting suits, and shiny Bruno Magli designer shoes.
Boys and girls, scientific research does not lie.
Thank you Sean for your question, hopefully that clears things up for you.
Until next time, I'm Dr. Harry Proboscis, and this has been The Science Spot.

(Please send all questions/ inquiries to The Daily Drivel- Att: Dr. Proboscis)

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sporting News


In what was merely a confirmation of a long-standing suspicion, octogenarian actress Betty White admitted today that she did, indeed, have an affair with golfer Tiger Woods during his philandering days.

“I just didn’t see the point in continuing with the ruse,” the actress said. “I’m 88 freaking years old. Who the hell am I trying to protect?” The not-so-startling admission comes on the eve of Woods’ appearance at this year’s U.S. Open golf tournament, being held on the Monterey peninsula in California, at Pebble Beach. Woods won the 2000 Open on this same golf course by a record 15 strokes, but his hopes for a repeat will surely dampened by this latest scandal.

“Tiger would often give me a “booty call” when he was in L.A.,” White continued. “He told his wife he was visiting his ‘family,’ seeing how he grew up here and all, but that was a crock, obviously. The paparazzi hounded him from the minute he got off the plane, but once they followed him here, they figured he was just paying a visit to a dear old lady in need of some companionship. Little did they know I was rocking his world the whole time.”

White’s sordid admission comes in the midst of a career renaissance for her, as she has recently been a guest host on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” and is co-starring in a new cable TV series, “Hot in Cleveland, “ premiering this fall. And while this latest revelation may prove disastrous to Woods’ attempts to revive his sagging golf career, it will surely do nothing but increase White’s visibility. “I see nothing wrong with the timing of this confession,” White argued. “Why shouldn’t I wait until now, when Tiger is about to tee off in the most difficult golf tournament in the world, and I’m shooting a new series? He used me for his own devious needs, and I’m just returning the favor. Like my slutty old friend Rue McClanahan always said, ‘Get while the gettin’ is good.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

Sunday, June 13, 2010



Grammy-winning death-metal trio Urinal Cake, fresh off the critical and commercial success of their groundbreaking album, You’re a Peein’ Union, today announced the first ten dates of their You’re a Peein’ Tour. The dates are as follows:

Monday, June 28: Dingleberry Downs, KOSOVO

Wednesday, June 30: Franz Fleishwolff Field, BULGARIA

Thursday, July 1: The One Coliseum Inn, LUXEMBOURG

Sunday, July 4:  Stadium de How She Likes It, LIECHTENSTEIN

Tuesday, July 6: PissPottPark, POLAND

Friday, July 9: Baron Mikel Scicluna Stadium, MALTA

Tuesday, July 13: Monty Hall, MONTENEGRO

Thursday, July 15: Rufus del Fuego Coliseo, PORTUGAL

Sunday, July 18: L’Arc de Archduke, BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA

Tuesday, July 20: Club Thanksgiving, TURKEY

Warming up for the band on all of the above dates will be the avant garde synth-pop septet Tsunami Tourist Trap. Plenty of good seats available for all shows. In early August, the band will kick off their tour of the war-torn Middle Eastern and Russian caucuses, stopping in Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, and numerous other countries ending in “-stan.” They are not, however, expected to play their hit single, Anwar Sadat Has an Open Mind on this leg of the tour. Opening for these dates will be internationally renowned quadruple amputee “Stump the Band.”

Visit their website at www.bewarethesplashback.com for more information

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Everybody hates Monday and Monday is well aware of it. It's tired of being the most dreaded day of the week, and to prove just how fed up,  it hired a top notch law firm to represent it.

"I am sick and tired of all the negativity that surrounds me. It's so unfair, so, so, unfair," said a visibly upset Monday through sobs and gasps.

The most popular day of the week is Saturday (39%), followed closely by Friday (35%), and then Sunday (18%) rounding out the top 3. The rest of the days then drop off severely after that, with Thursday (5%) a distant 4th, followed by Wednesday (2%) and Tuesday (1%).
Monday is barely a blip on the radar when it comes to popular days of the week, and in fact wouldn't even be a blip without Monday night football. Monday's legal team wants to change this miserable perception of their client.

"Monday has been wronged, and this is our chance to fix it. Monday is not a bad day. Not a bad day at all. Several Holidays fall on Monday, like Memorial Day and Labor Day, and every 7 years or so it also gets Christmas and New Year's Day. And yet, even with that, people still loathe my client. What does this poor day have to do to appease you people?" said M. Mark Isenblatt, attorney for Monday.

Monday's reputation has seriously affected its confidence and is considering dropping out of the 7 day rotation all together unless some immediate changes are made.

"Everyone hates me, well, I hate Friday. How about that? Saturday can also go to hell. Those two have it easy. Two smug little jerks if you ask me. But then again nobody asks me do they? I'm the loathsome day that everyone despises. Well guess what, I like me. My mother likes me. Even Tuesday likes me, but that's probably not a good defense, because without me Tuesday would be public enemy #1 instead of me. But, I'll take it anyway because the list of my supporters is very short," said a dejected Monday.

U S Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, feels that the case has some validity, but would hate to see Monday go through a long, drawn out, well publicized trial.

"I happen to be a big fan of Monday, I enjoy my work and look forward to Monday. You may roll your eyes at that, but I'm not alone. I'd hate to see Monday go through a televised trial, where many of Monday's skeletons will be dragged out of the closet and put on public display. It could get ugly, and I personally, do not want to see it, or have to render a verdict on it. Hopefully, a concession can be reached, so that Monday can retain a modicum of dignity. Perhaps offering to name a restaurant chain after it, TGIM. That sounds like a good start," said Ginsburg.

We have to wait to find out the fate of Monday, but for now, it will have to keep its chin up and lead off the work week, whether it likes it or not.

"Maybe we can move Friday's happy hour to me, and then Tuesday will be as hated as I am. Something must be done, I can't go on like this!" said Monday.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Thursday, June 3, 2010


TN-  Former Vice President Al Gore is serious about global warming, so much so, that he has cited his marriage as a potential cause. After 40 years of marriage Gore has decided to call it quits with his wife Tipper, mere months after celebrating their wedding anniversary.
Gore believes that his red hot love making has killed plants, trees and even wildlife in the area near his farm in Tennessee. He even speculates that he and Tipper are partly to blame for a hole in the ozone.

"Our love making is legendary, and I apologize for that. I apologize to all Americans, and in fact, apologize to the world. Tipper and I have made love all over the world, putting millions of lives in serious jeopardy. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Irresponsible behavior on my part. Please forgive me planet earth," said Gore at a news conference.
The news has polarized the scientific community. Some calling Gore's statements ridiculous, while others find some credence in his theory.

"I was attending a conference in Geneva, and was jarred awake by disturbing shrieking sounds, like a wolf being crushed inside a garbage truck. Soon after my microwave burst into flames and all the plants in my room wilted. I looked out of my window and saw a haze surrounding the moon. There on a blanket in the middle of the courtyard were the Gores, naked and exhausted. A horrible, horrible sight. One that is forever burned into my memory," said Prof. Harold Brueggemann, " yes, I put stock in Al Gore's theory."
Some politicians are catagorizing Gore's separartion from his wife as smoke and mirrors, trying to gain new momentum for his stance on global warming and climate control which has taken several hits over the past few years as nonsense from meteorologists,ecologists and various scientists.

"Isn't this the plot of that lousy Will Smith movie from a few years ago, Hancock, where Smith and Charlize Theron had to stay far apart because they created too much energy when they got near each other. Something like that. So, I guess Al Gore is assuming the role of a super human force. That ego of his knows no bounds does it?" said Sen. Joseph Lieberman.

Whatever the reason, the Gore's 40 year union seems to have come to an abrupt end, and the news shows, tabloids, and talking heads will have a field day dissecting the whole thing.
For now, it seems that some plant life and perhaps  even the ozone are safe for the time being. Until, that is, Mr. Gore  starts to get horny.
God help the planet then.
DD  (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


There is a strange phenomenon sweeping the baseball world these days, which has the medical world completely baffled. It seems that many of the great sluggers of the recent past- such illustrious names as Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmiero, to name a few- have actually seen some of their medical woes heal themselves in recent years. Doctors are at a loss to explain the mystery, which appears to be nothing less than a medical miracle.

Longtime San Francisco Giants’ equipment manager Frank Annunziata was shocked when he happened to bump into Bonds, the ex-Giant, at a recent charity golf outing in the Bay area. Upon first meeting his old teammate, he could not shake the sensation that something about him looked drastically different. “I happened to be playing in the group behind him,” Annunziata said, “and when I saw him on the first tee I couldn’t quite put my finger on what looked so unusual. By the third hole, it finally dawned on me; his head had shrunk at least three full hat sizes.” Annunziata went on to say he distinctly remembered that when Bonds was in his heyday in San Francisco, he (Bonds) would often ask for a new hat, sometimes three to four times a year, and usually requested one that was a size larger than that previously issued. “At first I was worried,” Annunziata continued, “thinking maybe it was encephalitis or something. I asked him about it one time, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he’d been reading a lot of Nietzsche lately. He seemed fine otherwise, so I just forgot about it.”

Meanwhile, trainers for the St. Louis Cardinals are mystified that McGwire, who recently returned to the club as hitting coach, seems to have completely cured himself of the back acne which plagued him throughout his career. “When Mark was still playing,” according to Cardinals’ assistant trainer Mike LaCasse, “he was constantly asking us to see if we couldn’t get a hold of the latest unguents, astringents, and ointments for him. It got so bad at one point that he was embarrassed to take his shirt off. But I saw him coming out of the shower early in spring training one day, and his back was a smooth as a baby’s bum.” When asked if he (McGwire) had discovered some sort of herbal remedy, the ex-slugger was taken aback, according to LaCasse. “All he said was ‘You mean it’s gone? I hadn’t noticed.’ Which I thought was strange, since he was obsessed with it back in his playing days.”

But the miracles don’t end there. Sosa, who insiders claim struggled for years in his attempts to grow even the scraggliest of goatees, has been spotted recently sporting a full beard, to the surprise of his ex-teammates. “We used to give him grief all the time,” ex-Cubs teammate Roy Vasquez said. “He’d try and try to grow it out, but his face back then was as smooth as Mark McGwire’s back is now. Don’t quite know what to make of that.” And Palmeiro, who once served as a pitchman for Viagra, has suddenly found himself swinging for the fences again, without the aid of the Little Blue Pill. “It’s really been quite astounding,” said Palmeiro’s wife, Mitzy. “It’s like he’s seventeen again. Every night, he’s been coming to at me like an ‘a-steroid,’ if you get my drift, wink wink. Thank God for medical miracles, is all I’ll say.”

DD (Vic Venom  reporting)