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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Scandal Rocks Sesame Street


Luis Rodriguez returned to his humble apartment last night after a long, hard day at the busy Fix-it Shop on Sesame Street. He climbed into bed and as he reached over to hug Maria, his wife of many years, he felt something uncomfortable against his bare legs and feet. When he pulled down the covers, he recoiled in horror, as his worst fear was realized. The entire bottom of the bed was covered in cookie crumbs and blue hair. He at once knew that his marriage was over.

"I would have expected this from the Count von Count, or possibly one of the weekly guest stars, like John Leguizamo or David Beckham, but never, ever, would I expect this from Cookie Monster. I thought we were friends," said a despondent Luis.

Maria Rodriguez, it appears, had been carrying on an affair with Cookie Monster for quite some time, and was finally forced to come out in the open about the relationship after her husband's discovery.

None of the other residents of Sesame Street seemed to suspect anything, but are now starting to put some of the clues and coincidences together.

"Now that I think about it, her fingers always smelled like cookies. I never saw her eating or making cookies, but now I guess it all makes sense," said Ernie.

"One time when we were rehearsing our scene for the letter G, I noticed that she had something stuck in her teeth that I thought was spinach. Spinach is green, not blue, I should have put two and two together, which is the number four," said Grover.

"I don't know what she sees in him. Truthfully, he is really gross," said Prarie Dawn," he's fat, hairy, and basically as dumb as a rock. Personally, I don't get it. Luis is soooo much better. I've often dreamt of taking a Latin lover. His hot breath on my neck. His strong hands all over me. His, his, please excuse me, I have to close my door now."

Cookie Monster doesn't seem to be fazed at all by the sudden scandal, and as far as he's concerned, his daily routine will remain unchanged.

"Me like sex with Maria. Maria like sex with me. Me not know what problem is. Ommm num num num, ommm num num num," said Cookie Monster as he shoved a plate full of cookies into his mouth, none of which seemed to actually stay in his mouth, but instead went all over the counters and floor.

Sesame Street is no stranger to controversy and has seen its share over the last four decades. The garbage strike of the early 1970's instigated by Oscar the Grouch. The "camping trip" taken by Bob McGrath and three teenage boys in the summer of 81. The kickback scheme and blatant product placement for "special favors" by Mr. Hooper in his general store. The alleged homosexual relationship between Bert and Ernie by numerous Evangelical ministers, which has never been substantiated.

"Slander I tell you! Slander! Can't two male puppets live together and share a bed without everyone jumping to conclusions!" said an outraged Bert as he ran the water for a bubble bath for himself and Ernie.

The break up of Luis and Maria, one of tv's most venerable couples, has cast a dark cloud over the usually bright and sunny street, but like most things in the world of entertainment, the show must go on. DD

Monday, November 17, 2008

Mike Tyson’s Latest Facial Tattoo is Little Miss Muffet



While in prison several years ago, former heavy weight boxing champ Mike Tyson got tattoos on his body of former communist leader of the People’s Republic of China, Mao Zedong and late tennis great Arthur Ashe. The idea for the tattoos came to him after reading books about both men. They were the best books that Tyson had ever read, and in fact, were the only books he had ever read. Now, years later, Tyson has just finished reading a third book, and was so enamored of it, as he was with the first two, that he has decided more tattoos were in order.
The recently finished book was ‘Mother Goose and Other Nursery Rhymes’ and Tyson couldn’t wait to get over to the local tattoo parlor. He had the old woman who lived in a shoe etched onto his back, Humpty Dumpty on his stomach, and Little Miss Muffet on his face. Miss Muffet is now sitting with her bowl of curds and whey below Tyson’s right cheek bone, and that irksome spider is dropping down from above his right eyebrow.
“Wow, what a book. It really reached out to me. I’d never read anything like it before. There’s serious stuff and funny stuff and even some scary stuff. The stories, the characters, I felt for them, especially that poor Miss Muffet. I really identified with her the most. I’m Miss Muffet and the rest of the world is that stupid spider trying to ruin my oatmeal,” said Tyson.
Tyson has been expressing himself more and more through tattoos since his stint in prison. A few years ago he adorned his face with a Maori tribal tattoo. No one seems to know why; perhaps he was up late one night watching the National Geographic Channel or possibly a movie from New Zealand. Now he has welcomed the world of nursery rhymes onto his body, and he doesn’t have plans of stopping any time soon.
“I want a tattoo for each story I read from that great book. I hope I don’t run out of room.”
Tyson’s latest obsession seems to have overtaken his life and when boxing, his finances or his future are mentioned, he quickly changes the conversation to that amazing cow that jumped over the moon or that kind old Mother Hubbard. His personal manager and close friends don’t seem to think that anything is wrong with Tyson’s behavior, as long as he has enough money lying around to keep them comfortable.
“Nah, Mike, he alright,” said "friend" Tre “Sooky” Williams,” he got his shit together. He cool. He expressing himself, that’s all. He just bought me a Rolex, so whatever he wants to do is cool with me. He can put Barney on his ass for all I care.”
HBO Boxing analyst, Jim Lampley, just shakes his head when the former champ is mentioned. “The former “baddest man on the planet” is a shell of his former self and his roller coaster life is begging for a major biography written about it. Maybe after it is written, as it inevitably will, he will be so moved after reading it that he will get a tattoo of himself getting a tattoo.” DD

Ex- Drill Sergeant Has Hard Time Adjusting To Civilian Life


Tulsa, Ok- Conrad “Hammerhead” Hansen hasn’t had much luck holding a job in his post military career. After serving 30 years in the U.S. Marine corps, the last 20 of which as a drill sergeant, he decided it was time for a change. Hansen, who turned 50 years old in September, is finding it difficult to make a seamless transition into civilian life.
His aggressive style of getting right in the face of the person he’s talking to and screaming insults at them has not gone over very well with customers and co-workers at the various jobs he has attempted since leaving the corps.
“Mr. Hansen’s, how do I say, unique people skills, did not really fit in with our company’s policies regarding customer service,” said Todd Creighton, a manager at the Olive Garden in the Utica Square Mall, “our rule of unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks is not usually met with anger and profanities from the server. That’s one of the main reasons why people come to the Olive Garden. When your waiter gets about two inches from your face and screams things like, ’don’t you think you’ve had enough of that God damn soup, you filthy maggot!’ it’s really not good for business. I don’t think that customer will be coming back anytime soon. Would you?”
In the past three months, Hansen has been hired and fired on the same day on 13 different occasions. He lasted 3 days, which was his longest, as a therapist for the hearing- impaired, but was let go after several incidents.
“I was under the false impression that Mr. Hansen was quite adept at sign language when I hired him. Apparently his way of communicating with a person who is hearing impaired is by screaming at them at the top of his lungs. That isn’t the kind of treatment that we give here, and quite frankly, it is mostly useless with a lot of our patients. However, many of them are capable of reading lips, which is one of the reasons that he is no longer employed here. That, and the fact that Mrs. Davis hurt her back trying to do his ridiculous push ups,” said Robert Huggins, PhD, director of The Hearing Loss Center, “she comes late twice a week because of her dialysis appointments. He didn’t think that was a good enough excuse and made this frail 83 year old woman do 100 push ups. To her credit, she made it to 97 before she passed out.”
Hansen’s latest dismissal was from Tiny Tots Daycare Center, when he decided to make a group of 3 and 4 year olds go on a 15 mile hike while wearing 20 lb backpacks.
“I thought he was taking them out back to play on the jungle gym,” said Miss Trish, one of the teachers, “I couldn’t believe that he took a group of pre-schoolers on a 15 mile hike. Most of them went to the bathroom in their pants because he wouldn’t let them stop. If that wasn’t bad enough, he also taught them some profanity laced marching songs. A 4 year old boy went home singing, ’your left, your left, your left, right, left. My back is achin, my belt’s too tight, my balls are swingin from left to right.’ The poor parents were horrified.”
Hansen finally came to the conclusion that civilian life wasn’t quite the right fit for him, and has returned to the structured and disciplined environment of the military.
“I fear for the future of our country,” said Hansen, “we have a bunch of spineless sissies out there who don’t know how to follow orders. If we don’t toughen up, and damn quick, we’ll all be speaking fluent Russian and eating borscht by the time it takes you to spell communism.” DD

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Burt Reynolds Loses Movie Role To His Own Wig


Hollywood- Burt Reynolds, former Hollywood box office champion, has had a major setback in his bid for yet another career revival. Reynolds, who at one time was Hollywood’s most popular and influential star, is having a rough time in his "not so golden" years.
The former star of such movies as, “Deliverance”, “Smokey and the Bandit”, and “The Longest Yard”, has not had a hit in over 25 years. A decade ago his career seemed to be rejuvenated by an Oscar nominated performance in the movie “Boogie Nights”, but Reynolds could not seem to find a follow-up role to capitalize on his success.
His latest comeback bid has taken a bizarre turn when casting directors decided that his wig was more convincing than he was in a recent audition. Reynolds did not get a call back, but surprisingly, his wig did.
“We couldn’t take our eyes off that wig, it really stood out. The emotional range of that hair piece was phenomenal. Pardon the pun, but it was head and shoulders above Mr. Reynolds, and really made us take notice,” said Bill Futterman, assistant casting director for the as yet untitled project.
The role that Reynolds was auditioning for was that of a recently retired Supreme Court judge who finds retirement unsettling, due to the fact that he doesn’t command the respect in every day life that he once held in the courtroom.
“Mr. Reynolds’s audition was severely lacking in plausibility. This is a drama. He read the lines with a smirk, like he was trying to make a joke. That is not the kind of performance we were hoping for. But, I’ll tell you what, that toupee was magnificent! A real commanding, take charge presence, which is exactly what we’re looking for,” said Tracy Romano, head casting director.
Reynolds, who could not be reached for comment on this story, can add this, as yet another embarrassing episode in a once unstoppable career. Not quite as embarrassing as his roles in “Cop and a Half” or “Striptease”, but very close.
Marv Bronstein, Burt Reynolds’s agent said,”Obviously Burt was upset to hear that he didn’t get the part, but the news is bittersweet for him because he is extremely happy for his wig. If he were to lose out on a role to anyone, he’s glad it was to his own wig, and wishes it great success with this role and all its plans for the future. He only hopes that he and the wig remain close and looks forward to working with it again.”
Reynolds has worn hundreds of custom-made wigs over his long 40 plus years in front of the camera, but he was especially attached to this certain piece. Loni Anderson demanded this certain wig in their well publicized divorce, but Reynolds refused to part with it. She once told close friends that she had more feelings for that wig than she ever did for Reynolds himself, claiming the wig was a better listener, and a much better lover. DD

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Local Man Upsets Neighborhood Children By Giving Them Several Weeks Worth Of Leftovers As Halloween Treats


Hicksville,NY- Gary Fisher was not very popular on Halloween this year when he decided to empty the contents of his refrigerator into the bags of the children that came to his door. Children ran home screaming to their befuddled parents, as the candy at the bottom of their Halloween bags was covered in stir fry chicken and old spaghetti.
"My daughter came running home in tears. She was so upset that she couldn't speak, she just pointed to her Halloween bag," said Karen Collins, "when I looked inside I was disgusted, it looked like someone had thrown up in the bag. I poured the whole thing into the garbage, and a terrible smell came out of the bag. It looked like old chili, but I'm not quite sure."
Fisher, who lives alone, doesn't understand why his Halloween "treats" have caused such an outcry, and was confused when several dozen parents protested outside his house.
"Listen," said Fisher, "I don't know what all the commotion is about. I buy my meat from a top-notch butcher, not a supermarket, that's all good quality food those kids got. At least it was when I had it a few weeks ago. The beef goulash was exactly the way my grandmother made it, I really enjoyed that last Thursday. I even gave that one boy a few dollops of sour cream to compliment it. What would they rather have, another boring Milky Way?"
"My twins came home covered in mashed potatoes and gravy. My wife was furious, she hand made those costumes from felt and cotton balls, and they're completely ruined. Some wacko put roast beef and mashed potatoes into their trick or treat bags and then poured warm gravy all over everything. Who does this?" said an irate Stan Kaplan.
The Nassau County police were called by one of the parents who wanted Fisher arrested. The police questioned him as to his motives, and were convinced that his intentions were not malicious.
"Bad judgment perhaps, but no harm intended. We warned him to cease and desist immediately and he agreed to comply. He is actually a darn good cook. My partner and I tasted the curried lamb and couscous that he made two nights ago, and it was delicious. The curry was just right, not overpowering. I asked him for his recipe, my wife would love it," said officer Vitale.
Fisher offered a sarcastic apology to those gathered on his front lawn, as the police asked everyone to disperse.
"Well, I guess that's the last time I try and do something nice for these people. I love to cook and I hate to see anything go to waste. Is that a crime? Do I have to remind them of that tired old cliche about the children starving in Africa? I guess next year I'll be like everyone else and grab a mega size bag of Kit Kats from the Price Club."
When told that Thanksgiving was less than a month away, and that his cooking skills could be used by numerous churches and soup kitchens, Fisher replied, "Turkey is so boring, anyone can make a turkey. Where's the challenge in that?" DD

Friday, November 7, 2008

Barack Obama Admits Running For President Was Just A Joke Gone Too Far


Chicago- President elect Barack Obama has finally admitted to the media that his run for the presidency was just a joke, and that he is no way going to accept the oath of office.
"It actually started over 4 years ago when an old college buddy of mine dared me to make a speech at the last Democratic National Convention in 2004. He dared me to make an"over the top" sort of motivational type speech to see what would happen. Well, they ate it up, and we kind of had to up the ante. He bet me that I wouldn’t have the nerve to run for president. Well, guess what, I took that bet and look where we’re at today. I didn’t think that I had a shot in hell of winning, but I’m a competitive guy who can’t say no to a bet."
Obama, who is set to be sworn in as the 44th president in American history on Jan.20th, is laughing about the whole situation.
"Oh, come on, let’s all lighten up a bit shall we. I can’t believe no one saw through this well orchestrated ruse, not even Michelle (Barack’s wife). Boy, what a poker face I have. I guess I could have a nice career on the professional poker tournament when this is all over."
When told that he has an obligation to the American people who turned out in record number to vote for him, he smiled and said, "Who are we kidding? I was barely a senator. I’ve been in the Senate for four years, two of which have been spent doing this fake campaign. A joke is a joke, but it’s gone on a little too long."
The congress has called an emergency meeting for 4:00 today to decide what should be done about this unprecedented situation.
"Listen, I’m not saying I won’t run for president in the future, but I’m not close to being ready now. For now, I just want to finish my term as senator, and most importantly, collect on that bet from my buddy, which if I’m not mistaken was a shipment of Omaha Steaks and a case of Rolling Rock. That’s what I’m looking forward to. Have you ever had one of those steaks? Wow, they melt right in your mouth." DD

Brett Favre Almost Didn’t Come To The Jets Because Of Fan’s Hurtful Remarks


Florham Park, NJ- Star quarterback Brett Favre considered staying retired when he found out it was likely he was going to play for the NY Jets. He was apprehensive to join the team, not because of the lack of talent or the overwhelming media coverage, but because of an insensitive comment made by a fan. The incident happened several years ago, but the memory has haunted Favre ever since.
“I’ll never forget it,” said a stoic Favre outside the Jets new training facility, “I’ve heard a lot of stuff over the years, but this one [comment] stung.”
Favre noticeably upset, recounted the painful details.
“Dec. 29th, 2002, I’ll never forget the date. We had just lost to the Jets 42-17. I was walking off the field, beaten up, and feeling pretty lousy. Just before I reached the tunnel, I heard this voice yelling, ‘hey, Brett, hey, Brett’, I looked to my right and he was right there,” said Favre whose bottom lip began to quiver, “and then I heard the hurtful words that have stayed with me all these years.”
Favre took a long pause and a deep breath, blinking his eyes several times before he could continue. When asked if he needed some time to compose himself, he nodded his head and took a long drink from his water bottle.
“He was only about 10 feet from me, so I heard every painful word. He told me to either grow a beard or not grow a beard. He said,’ what’s the matter pretty boy, can’t grow a real beard?” he held his prodigious right index finger in the air, closed his eyes, and took another deep breath. “I’m a country boy from Mississippi, I didn’t know this kind of cruelty existed.”
This particular comment struck a nerve with Favre, because for generations the men in his family have all had trouble growing beards. The hair grows only to a certain length, never quite forming what would be considered in modern society, a complete beard. Several of Favre’s ancestors even had the added indignity of ‘spotting’ or sporadic follicle growth on their faces.
This incident has affected Favre’s confidence and caused his interception totals to skyrocket over the last few years.
“They call me a ‘gunslinger’ but that’s not the case at all. Sometimes I hear his voice buzzing in my head, taunting me, ‘can’t grow a real beard, can’t grow a real beard’, and I throw the ball in frustration, trying to make the voice disappear. This has lead to an upswing in turnovers on my part,” said Favre whose eyes began to well up, “I’m sorry, I thought I was getting over it. Please excuse me.”
Favre then shook hands and quickly exited the area.
When Jets coach, Eric Mangini heard the startling details of the incident, he shook his head and said, “That’s totally unacceptable. I can’t believe one of our fans could be so cruel. It’s definitely a black mark on our franchise. Thankfully, Brett is bigger than that and didn’t let such a horrible memory prevent him from coming here. Listen, I’ve been around the game for a long time, and that’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.”
G.M., Mike Tannenbaum went one step further saying, “We are going to review the tapes of that game, and if we can figure out who this insensitive creep is we will bar him from the stadium for life. We will not tolerate this sort of behavior from one of our own fans.” DD

Elderly Customers Complain Of Treatment At Robert DeNiro’s Garage Sale


Greenwich, CT- Early bargain hunters to a garage sale were greeted with warning signs and very low tolerance from the homeowner, actor Robert DeNiro. Signs galore adorned the driveway and garage, warning potential physical harm if they “got out of line”. Signs warned, “Early Birds will catch a beating!”, “Any haggling over price and you get tossed!” Another, written in red magic marker, had this warning, “Sticky fingers are easily broken.”
The sale was advertised in the local paper to start at 9 am, several “early birds” started up the driveway at 8:30 and were soaked by DeNiro and his garden hose.
“They knew full well that the garage sale started at 9. What can I say? I was hosing down the driveway of any debris before we started. They shouldn’t have been on the premises before the allotted time.”
“These are not the conditions we are used to when we go to garage sales,” said a dripping wet Helen Bykowski, a 77 year old retired bank teller, “we like to come early, look around and try to make deals, that’s part of the fun of it.”
Bykowski was especially upset when her husband Barney was asked to leave the property when he asked if the Operation game contained all the pieces.
“It’s a legitimate question to ask, there are a lot of little pieces in that game that easily get lost. How dare he treat my husband that way! I don’t care whose house it is,” said an outraged Bykowski.
The sale consisted of several folding tables containing old books, worn clothes, used games, and hand knitted pot holders by DeNiro himself. Many shoppers were disappointed not to find any movie memorabilia from the actor’s numerous films.
“When we found out it was DeNiro’s house, we really expected some amazing items. I can’t believe it’s just the same crap you would find at any other garage sale. Somebody’s old, used and usually broken junk. Very disappointing,” said Walter Havemeyer, a retired bus driver,” I have worthless crap like this in my own garage.”
An elderly woman who started dancing side to side asked DeNiro if she could use a bathroom in an emergency, who responded, “Absolutely not”, and told her there was an Arby’s about 5 miles down the road. When she reiterated that it was an emergency and that she wouldn’t make it, DeNiro frowned, shrugged and said, “I gave you my answer, now I have to turn my back on you,” as he threw his hands in the air and turned to sell an old bicycle missing the pedals.
DeNiro shut the sale down for a full hour while he sat on his stoop and had his lunch, which consisted of an eggplant and fresh mozzarella sandwich, 2 bottles of root beer, a bag of funions, and a couple of chocodiles.
“This is outrageous,” said Lottie Scheuer,” he has no one to cover for him while he takes a break, and we have to stand around watching him eat his lunch .Every time someone approaches him he shoos them away saying, ‘don’t bother me until I’m finished with my meal.’ Not only is that not proper garage sale etiquette, it is downright rude.”
Dorothy Rositzke, who considers herself an expert on garage sales, declared this to be one of the worst she had ever attended.
“I’ve been coming to these things for over fifty years, and this is quite possibly the worst. No jewelry, costume or otherwise. No collectibles whatsoever, not even any baby items that I could pick up for my granddaughter. It’s ridiculous! I don’t know why he bothered to hold the sale at all. Everything being sold is broken or missing pieces, and he won’t budge on his prices. What a colossal waste of everyone’s time.”
DeNiro started cleaning up at exactly 4pm and told the half dozen people still looking at his items to “beat it”, and started unraveling his garden hose.
“All in all, I think it went well,” said DeNiro, who said all $18.75 made for the day would be donated to charity, “I normally don’t have much patience for elderly people, but I think I was on my best behavior today. It’s all for a good cause, I look forward to next year.” DD

Study Shows The Most Dangerous Place In The World Is Between Sen. Chuck Schumer And A Camera


New York- A recent study by the Geneva Institute shows some of the deadliest places for humans found in the world. The wide ranging study took three years to complete and incorporates several of the most dangerous places, where injuries and even fatalities have occurred. Some of the places are not surprising due to their locale, such as inside an active volcano or climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. While places such as these are commonly known to be dangerous, the spot at the top of the list is there mainly because it travels all over the place, and seems to be harmless at first glance.
The number one most dangerous place in the world is between Senator Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and any form of media, especially a camera. In the years that the study was performed, 17 fatalities and 367 injuries have occurred, one even to a member of the research team.
“I didn’t know what hit me,” said Jan Stromeyer, research analyst for the Geneva Institute, “one minute I’m writing notes in my pad, the next I’m lying face down with four broken ribs and a punctured spleen. After I came out of my coma a few weeks later, I found out that there were some nature photographers taking pictures a few feet from me. Sen. Chuck went right for them. I guess you could say I was lucky. A family of five from Wisconsin was obliterated. ”
“The Senator has an insatiable thirst to be on camera, and stops at nothing to have his image, and every word televised. Many people have been injured by this human tornado. Trust me, I’ve seen the bloody aftermath,” said Dr. Roger Adelman, chief of surgery at NY Hospital for Special Surgery.
The research team traveled the world over to accumulate its data for the study. Here are the final results of the World’s Most Dangerous Places:
10. The middle of July in Death Valley (California, USA)
9. Shark infested waters off the coast of South Africa
8. A minefield outside of Kabul, Afghanistan
7. Climbing to the top of Mt. Everest
6. The Men’s room at the 42nd St and 8th Ave train station (NYC)
5. A fishing boat in the North Atlantic Ocean (off Newfoundland)
4. A McDonald’s at 4am in Detroit, MI
3. Inside Krakatau volcano (Indonesia)
2. Bogota, Columbia (anywhere outside of the airport)
1. Between Sen. Charles “Chuck” Schumer (D- NY) and a camera (numerous locales in the continental United States)

“I’ve been warning people for years about Sen. Schumer. They all thought I was joking in Washington. No one took me seriously. Over time this situation has gotten worse. A lot worse. There isn’t one member of the Senate who hasn’t sustained some sort of injury due to his camera lust. Look at my arm for God sakes!” said former Senator and onetime Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole.
The casualties of Sen. Schumer have been growing steadily over the years. Most in his home state of New York and various locations in Washington D.C., but seemingly any area with still and video photography is in jeopardy (the odds are even higher in areas where microphones and reporters are found). The injuries were at one time isolated to political meetings and fundraisers, but have since broadened to include supermarket openings and spelling bees.
“My best man Kevin stood up to make a toast to my wife and I at our wedding,” said Patrick Miller,” he barely said two words, when out of no where this man barrels him over and grabs the microphone. Poor Kevin has walked with a limp ever since. I didn’t find out until later that this guy was a senator from New York. We live in Ohio! We can’t even watch the wedding video. Two hours of it consist of this wacky senator talking about how he was the youngest member of the Senate since Teddy Roosevelt, and how he got a 1600 on his SAT.”
This inhuman ability to sense the presence of a camera, even from miles away, seems to have been with Schumer since early childhood. Class photos from P.S. 197 in Brooklyn show young Chuck posing in a business suit in front of the other second grade children who were all lined up in size order. A grainy reel of film from the 1965 high school football championship shows a teenage Schumer angling himself in front of the camera, obscuring the view of the final play of a tied game.
There are actually more pictures of Chuck Schumer in the Lincoln High School year book than any other student. While it is not unusual to have certain students in numerous photographs due to involvement in several teams and clubs, it is unusual in this case because Schumer attended James Madison High.
The recent Democratic National Convention, which took place in Denver, was highlighted by speeches from Sen. Barack Obama, Sen. Hillary Clinton, and former president Bill Clinton. Not to be outdone, Sen. Schumer started the chant, ‘We’re outta luck without Sen. Chuck’, which quickly died off. He then body surfed across the crowd to upstage vice presidential nominee Sen. Joe Biden during his acceptance speech.
An unfazed Biden said, “That’s just Chuck being Chuck. We’re used to that type of behavior from him. Thankfully, no one got hurt this time.”
When Biden was informed that Schumer had hospitalized a twenty person contingent from Idaho only moments before, Biden shook his head and said, “I guess I spoke too soon. It’s going to be a long night.”
Pundits are already speculating what Schumer will do four years from now, when the next election will take place.
“If Obama beats McCain, obviously Obama will be the incumbent. But, if the Republicans win, we have to worry about a sensory overload of Schumer until the next election,” said political analyst Alan Combes, “We could be looking at a totally out of control Schumer, and an even higher body count.” DD

Man In Town For Business Trip Blames Fruit In Drinks For Drunken Behavior


Chicago- A man from Hohokus, N.J. blames his drunken and inappropriate behavior on the fruit garnishes he ingested during a recent trip to Chicago. Barney Greengrass, a software salesman in town for a business trip, took a few potential clients to a day game at Wrigley Field. What started out as a pleasant day at 11 am ended almost 15 hours later, when Mr. Greengrass was found on a bench outside his hotel encased in a cocoon of what is believed to be his own regurgitated food and drink.
"I am allergic to cherries," proclaimed Greengrass, " I’m sure I made this clear to the bartender."
Local area cocktail waitresses and bartenders, when shown a photo of Greengrass, recognized him from the previous afternoon and evening.
"I knew that guy was trouble the minute he walked in," said Carla Reed a bartender at Casey Moran’s, a popular bar on N. Sheffield Ave., down the block from Wrigley Field.
"He kept ordering drinks that women usually order when they’re at a bachelorette party. He asked for an apple martini and a few minutes later he was at the other end of the bar ordering a cosmopolitan from Tommy, my co-worker. I actually thought he was ordering for a group of women, until I watched him down a pitcher of woo-woos."
Greengrass was spotted at numerous bars surrounding Wrigley Field, known as Wrigleyville, the day the Cubs were playing a day game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
"Barney took the three of us out for a ball game," said Bill Titus owner of Titus Weed & Feed. "The day started off so well. He picked us up in Deerfield, and brought us to Wrigley. It was a beautiful day, and we were having a fine time. It was early, probably the 2nd inning, he said he was going to get a deep dish pizza from the concession stand, and that was the last we saw of him."
Somewhere along the way Greengrass wandered out of the friendly confines and wound up on Waveland Ave., which runs along the rear of Wrigley Field.
"I’ve heard so much about Chicago deep dish pizza, but the line was ridiculous. I made a wrong turn and somehow ended up out on the street. They wouldn’t let me back in," said Greengrass. "I got thirsty and decided to have a drink. That must be when I accidentally ate the fruit in my drink. I have no memory of what happened after that."
Kurt Spodnick, bartender at Bleachers Bar & Grill on W. Addison Street, recalls Greengrass creating quite a scene for the brief time he was in the bar.
"Everyone was fixated on the game on the wide screen. Soriano was up, two outs, bases loaded, Cubbies down by three and this guy starts banging on the bar demanding a pink lady. I thought I was hearing things, so I asked him to repeat it. A pink lady? We sell beer and shots of whiskey in here. I asked him if he would rather a beer, and he starts shrieking in a high pitched wail, ‘I want a pink lady’. I had to consult my bartenders guide to see what the hell it was. This drink actually calls for an egg white whisked into it to give it a foamy top. Do you believe that shit? A freakin egg white! And topped off with a maraschino cherry! What kind of man drinks that?"questioned Spodnick.
Greengrass was forcibly removed from Bleachers, after he took off his shirt and repeatedly pantomimed the hammer throw, tossing his shirt onto the heads of other bar patrons.
"I’ve been allergic to fruit since birth. Cherries especially, but also oranges, limes and pineapples. It messes with my nervous system, makes me black out and appear drunk. I should probably wear some sort of medical emergency bracelet," said Greengrass. "I don’t know why bartenders insist on putting all this fruit in the drinks. It’s ludicrous! Alcohol and fruit? What idiot came up with this idea?"
Champions Sports Bar on N. Clark St., was apparently the last stop for Greengrass. Leon "Big Hurt" Lincoln, a bouncer at the bar recalled the arrival of Greengrass.
"This cat was out of his head. He tries to walk in and I asked him where the hell his shirt was. He leaves and comes back 10 minutes later wearing a t-shirt he bought around the corner. I think the shirt had something written on it like, ‘If you don’t remember Merkle’s Boner, I’ll show you mine’. Some stupid shit like that. I can’t stop everyone from coming in who’s wearing an offensive shirt, we’d have no customers. But I told this guy he was on a short leash," said Lincoln.
Greengrass, who had already made stops in 27 different bars and restaurants throughout the afternoon and night, made an immediate impression on the patrons of Champions.
"This drunken fool jumped up on the bar and started to do some Irish folk dancing. A lot of high kicks with hands on the hips, you know that sort of thing. In all honesty, he wasn’t half bad, but if you’re gonna do that type of dancing, you need a lot of room," said Irv Trotter, local resident.
Greengrass, whose high-stepping antics caused hundreds of dollars of damage to the bar, also injured a few patrons, some of whom were kicked in the head.
"I heard yelling and glass breaking and there was that same cat I just let in up on the bar. He was hard to grab, but we were able to get him down when he started to do the Vogue," said Lincoln. " We found a key card in his pocket for a room at the Days Inn, and put him in a cab to the hotel before someone killed him."
Dr. Peter Bergen, head of the emergency room at Chicago General Hospital, recalls the arrival of Greengrass in the early Sunday morning hours.
"He was in bad shape when they brought him in. I’m surprised he wasn’t in a coma,"said Dr. Bergen,"we were amazed at the contents of his stomach when we pumped it."
When told Greengrass blamed his actions and condition on fruit, Dr. Bergen had this to say.
"People have allergic reactions to various foods, so I won’t discount that, but I’d be more inclined to blame his actions on the enormous amount of alcohol we pumped out of him. Gin, vodka, bourbon, brandy, along with an array of items, most prominent was a partially digested boneless pork chop sandwich, and several undigested Asian pot stickers. We also found little plastic swords and part of a paper umbrella on a toothpick. There was some fruit found, but I’m leaning toward the alcohol as the culprit here."
A dejected Greengrass, whose numerous phone calls were not returned by Bill Titus, said, "Well, that business trip wasn’t very successful, but maybe on the way to the airport I’ll find a place to finally get a piece of that damn pizza." DD

Yankee Great Yogi Berra Is Stolen By A Fan As A Parting Souvenir From Yankee Stadium


Bronx, NY- September 21, 2008 was a bittersweet day in the rich history of Yankee Stadium. The final home game was played Sunday night before a sellout crowd as the Yankees defeated the Baltimore Orioles 6-2. There were ceremonies, special guests and speeches by current and former greats, but that apparently wasn’t enough for some fans. Fifty five people were taken into custody, 18 of whom were arrested, for stealing or attempting to steal pieces of the stadium as keepsakes. Some tried to remove signs indicating sections, some tried to break off pieces of the fa├žade, some even tried to remove the seats from the toilets. Most were caught due to the extensive security measures and massive police presence.
While most were caught red handed, one man was successful in removing one of the most treasured artifacts ever to grace Yankee Stadium, Hall of Famer Yogi Berra. Berra, who is now in his eighties, doesn’t move or see as well as he used to, which is why it was easy to steal the former catcher.
Terry Ketchum, owner of a private laundry business in Old Bridge, N.J., spotted the ancient catcher an hour after the game and quickly escorted him into his van. Berra, who was exhausted from several days worth of media coverage was easily led into the vehicle and placed atop several bags of dirty laundry.
“Boy, this sure is a comfy ride, but you might want an air freshener or something in here,” Berra was heard to say by Ketchum as he drove over the George Washington Bridge.
Ketchum arrived at his home after midnight, and carried the sleeping Berra onto the front lawn, where he has remained for three days to the delight of neighbors and passing cars.
“He likes it here, and we like having him here. Why can’t you people just mind your business,” said Ketcham.
Berra, who has been dressed in his Yankee pin stripes since Sunday morning, has also been adorned with a pointy red hat and been given a mini garden hoe.
“I have to hand it to the Ketchams, they have the best garden gnome on the block. An actual Hall of Famer!” said friend and neighbor Tom Gorlinski, “we can’t compete with that.”
Ketcham, who inherited the house from his deceased parents, said his dad would be proud to know that his favorite baseball player was now guarding the perennials and topiaries he had planted years prior.
“I’m 43, so I’m too young to have seen Yogi play, but dad loved him. To have old number 8 standing next to the faux wheel barrow with the marigolds planted in it would have been a dream come true for dad,” said Ketcham with tears in his eyes.
Local authorities acting on an anonymous tip recovered Berra from the Ketcham’s property. Terry Ketcham was placed in custody on charges of kidnapping, criminal mischief and public lewdness, due to the fact that Berra was using the mini wishing well on the lawn as a bathroom.
Berra, when asked why he didn’t just leave, said that he thought he was still doing a publicity junket for the Yankee organization.
“People came up asking for autographs and taking pictures. Plus they kept feeding me all kinds of food, it wasn’t a bad gig. You can lie to me, which wouldn’t be telling the truth, but nobody did that. I thought the Steinbrenners set this up as part of the closing festivities. I’ve been in a lot worse places, I’ll tell you that. That card show in the basement of that synagogue in Yonkers was much worse,” said Berra.
Berra has refused to press charges, but Ketcham still faces hundreds of dollars worth of fines from local authorities.
“It was all worth it. Yogi had such a good time that we are thinking about making this an annual event. Maybe next year I’ll set up a little tent with a cot in it so he doesn’t have to sleep standing up getting pelted by the lawn sprinklers.” DD

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Customer Finds Human Leg Bone In His Pizza


Pittsburgh- Wayne Grunfeld got a surprise addition to his lunch order yesterday from the local pizzeria that just opened on W. Liberty Avenue.
"I woke up in the mood for pizza. You know the feeling? All morning I was dreaming about an extra cheese pie with a sesame seed crust. This new place opened down the road, and I figured I'd give it a try. Boy, was that a mistake," said Grunfeld.
Primo's New York Style Pizza opened last week and customers have been raving about the crispy pizza with the delicious sauce and creative crusts. Sesame, garlic knot, even salted pretzel to name a few. Along with the unusual crusts, there are numerous topping selections to choose from. One topping selection that was not on the menu, however, was the human femur found topping the pie that was served to Grunfeld.
"I've ordered tilapia in a restaurant and gotten a few small bones. I've had a piece of bone or two in my chicken salad over the years, but this was a little much. You don't expect to bite into a bone when you're eating pizza, much less a human leg bone," said a disgusted Grunfeld, "it was sitting right on top of the pie, covered in sauce and cheese, hanging off the serving plate. It was huge and heavy. I can't believe someone in the kitchen missed this."
Grunfeld, who was extremely hungry, actually ate half the pizza before bringing the bone to the attention of the waitress. The owner, Primo Napolitano, apologized and offered Grunfeld a free order of garlic knots, which were gladly accepted.
"If this is how they serve pizza in New York, I think I'll pass," said Helen Bolger, a customer at an adjoining table.
When asked how something like this could possibly happen, Napolitano shrugged his shoulders and frowned.
"The customer's first impression is so important. Word of mouth can make or break you, especially in the first few weeks of a new restaurant. You try to be so careful when preparing food. I'm very strict, but sometimes the kitchen gets so busy right before the lunch and dinner rush. I guess we'll have to try a little harder in the future. It could have been worse," said Napolitano,"it could have been a hair. That really would have been bad for business." DD

Tempermental Method Actor Daniel Day-Lewis Actually Transforms Into Animated Dog For New Role




Hollywood- Daniel Day-Lewis, best known for his Academy Award winning roles in films 'My Left Foot' and 'There Will Be Blood', has always had a reputation for immersing himself in his role and becoming the character. This time he has taken it one step further. Day-Lewis has legally changed his name to Ruff MacTavish and has somehow physically transformed himself into an animated Scottish terrier for his role in the new Dreamworks animated movie, 'Scotland Pound'.

'Scotland Pound' is an animated version of a Sherlock Holmes type of character. Along with Day-Lewis as Ruff MacTavish, it stars Michael Caine as the voice of Wags MacGregor, as Scottish terriers investigating a series of crimes perpetuated by their arch-nemesis, mastermind cat burglar, Claws Killington, as voiced by Ben Kingsley.

"I thought that I was dedicated to my craft," said Ben Kingsley, "but Daniel, err, excuse me, Ruff, takes it to a whole new level. He actually lifted his leg and pissed all over me several times. Remarkable fellow. He is by far the best actor of his generaton."

"It was a little disconcerting to have this cartoon dog constantly sniffing my butt," said co-star Emily Watson,"I would reassure myself by saying, 'it's only Daniel with his nose up my arse'. He did a lot worse when we filmed the movie 'The Boxer'. He actually insisted on impregnating me for that one. He gets into his role more than anyone I have ever worked with."

Day-Lewis refused to comment for this story. His press secretary said he's already hard at work preparing for his next role in a musical updating of the Bible by Baz Luhrman (director of Moulin Rouge). Day-Lewis is tentatively slated to fill the role of Jesus Christ.

"I'd be very interested to see how he pulls this one off," said an unnamed producer from Warner Bros. "I have no doubt that he will actually die on a cross and rise from the dead, but I don't think he can sing." DD

Male Bathroom Attendant Wins Multi-Millions In Lottery And Decides To Keep His Job


Atlanta- Calvin Beauchamp, a 66 year old resident of Atlanta, is the most recent winner of a $73 million jackpot in the multi-state Power Ball Lottery. Beauchamp was given the ticket as a tip by a man in the bathroom of the Palace Catering Hall, where he has worked as an attendant for over 25 years.

"After he did his business, he came over to the sink to wash up. I promptly gave him a hand towel to dry off with, same as I do with all the guests. I offered him a selection of colognes and mints from my tray. I believe he took a squirt of Chaps and a butterscotch candy if I'm not mistaken, it's hard to keep track. I wished him a pleasant evening, same as I always do, and I saw him rooting around his pockets, presumably for a tip. He pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket, but didn't have anything smaller than a twenty, so he shrugged and dropped a folded piece of paper into my tip basket. He laughed and said 'good luck buddy' as he walked out the door. I didn't get a chance to look at it until the end of my shift. It was a busy night. Open bar and hot buffet that night. When I hear that, I know I'm going to get a lot of traffic," said Beauchamp.

Beauchamp, at first, didn't know what the paper was, having never played the lottery before.

"My first reaction was to throw it in the trash, thinking someone pulled a fast one on me. It wouldn't have been the first time. I've gotten all kinds of things left in my tip basket. Old store receipts, condoms, fake money. One guy even left pictures of his children in the basket, which I presume was a drunken mistake. The Lord only knows.This was my first lottery ticket. Beginner's luck I guess."

Beauchamp brought the ticket home and left it on his dresser along with the rest of the evening's tips, where his wife found it the next morning.

"I was fast asleep when I heard Florence scream. It scared the bejesus out of me, I thought someone had broken in," said Beauchamp, "I came down the stairs with my Louisville Slugger and saw her sitting at the kitchen table clutching the ticket with the newspaper open. 'We won Calvin! We won!' she kept screaming."

Beauchamp quickly confirmed his wife's findings and called the toll free number on the back of the ticket.

He and his wife decided to take a lump sum, instead of the usual monthly payments, due to their age.

"In the long run it would have been more money to take the payment plan, but at my age, you never know. I'm not taking any chances."

After receiving his check, Beauchamp took a week off and returned to his job at Palace Catering Hall, to the disbelief of everyone who knows him.

"I was shocked when Calvin called me about winning the lottery, but I was speechless when he showed up to work the next week," said Ken Dupre, manager of Palace Catering Hall, "don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have him here, he's the best in the business. I'm just surprised that he wants to keep working."

"When you find something that you enjoy, and that you're really good at, you don't just throw that away. No, sir, not after 25 years. I'm going to keep working the job that I love until they tell me to stop," said Beauchamp,"Florence doesn't agree, but she understands."

Asked what it is about standing in a men's room ten hours a day that allures him, Beauchamp had this say.

"I feel like I make a difference in people's lives, and that gives me a deep feeling of pride. Do they need a breath mint or a quick comb of the hair? I'm their last line of defense before they go back out there. It's a cruel world outside that bathroom door. I've met a lot of interesting men from all walks of life, and I feel that I've helped them all.

"I've seen and heard a variety of things in there, as you can well imagine, but much like a doctor, I live by a certain oath. I could tell you stories that would curl your hair, but there is a certain loyalty I feel with the men that come in there, and I would never betray that trust."

Asked if he minds standing in a poorly ventilated room amid the gastronimical output of hundreds of men who have gorged themselves on enormous amounts of food, Beauchamp smiled and said, "You get used to it. To me it all smells like people having a really good time." DD