Wednesday, October 28, 2009
YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK TO WEIGH IN ON THE WORLD SERIES
CHARLES- Well, Paul, it's time for the Fall Classic.
PAUL- You mean the clothing optional Hot Tub Party at Jim Nabor's house?
CHARLES- Oh, Oh, no.....not that Fall Classic, that's in November. I'm talkin about the World Series.
PAUL- Of Poker?
CHARLES- Baseball, you little fop. We're sports reporters, or did you forget that little piece of information?
PAUL- Whoa, slow down there big fella. Who exactly are you referring to when you say "Little Fop"?
CHARLES- I think you know who? Just zip it and save it for later. Our loyal readers want us to break down the World Series, not have one of our infamous cat fights.
PAUL- You're right Chuck, too much drama, why don't you give us some of that CNR baseball insight.
CHARLES- Now you're acting rationally. Let's talk about America's favorite past time, shall we.
PAUL- You mean sleeping with your neighbors and then blogging about it, changing all the names.
CHARLES- No, America's other favorite past time. Baseball. We have quite a match up in this World Series.
PAUL- Why do they call it the World Series when only teams from America and some pathetic loser from Canada get to play for it.
CHARLES- Because that's how its done. That's how its always been. And that's how it will always be. Listen sister, don't go getting all philosophical on me, just give us your predictions and make it quick. I have a Toga Party at Nathan Lane's condo to go to tonight. I have an elegant satin sheet that will be the hit of the party.
PAUL- Whatever, Chuck. I think the Phillies will repeat as champs. That Ryan Howard is a whole lotta man. Way too much man for the Yankees to handle.
CHARLES- Poor, dear Paul. So naive. So clueless. If you want to talk about a man, a real M-A-N, then the conversation begins and ends with Alex Rodriguez. His full glistening lips, his frosted highlights, his ever so subtle use of rougue and mascara. That my dear Paul is a real man. Your Ryan Howard is a neanderthal compared to A-Rod. Oh, Oh, and boy can he sock that ball.
PAUL- Puh-leeze Chuck, you gush about him as if he were LeBron James.
CHARLES- Blasphemy!! LeBron is in a league all by himself. Let's keep that chocolate God out of this shall we, and stick to the World Series. As you have guessed I am picking the Yankees to sweep them.
PAUL- Is that so? Would you care to make a friendly wager Chuckles?
CHARLES- I don't condone gambling, but what did you have in mind?
PAUL- How about the loser has to give Chuck Norris a bikini wax.
PAUL- Yeah, you're right that is more like the winner's prize.
CHARLES- How about the loser has to clean Rosie O'Donnell's bathroom.
PAUL- Oh dear God!! That is repulsive, but alright, we're on.
CHARLES- OK, let's shake on it.
PAUL- OK, Chuck, you can let go now. You do know that you're supposed to shake HANDS when you say that right?
CHARLES- OH, OH hands have so many germs, I'm not a fan of shaking hands.
PAUL- Alright, stay tuned loyal readers, and may the best man win.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Actor and occasional contributor to this publication, Gary Busey, has once again outraged his family and shocked his three fans. This time he may have gone too far. Busey, whose love of animals goes back to his childhood, has possibly crossed the line of acceptable human behavior.
While guest starring on a show about chimpanzees on The Animal Planet Busey became quite smitten with one of his co-stars Sally the Chimp.
After the taping of the program, Busey hung around the set every day for two weeks, smiling that Busey smile and flirting with the primate. The two became inseperable and exactly one month after their first meeting Busey declared his love to Sally.
"Sally is the only one who gets me. I've never felt like this before. I love her man!" screamed Busey to a confused crowd outside the Animal Planet studio.
Many wonder if this is some bizarre publicity stunt or more likely that the actor has finally gone completely insane.
"Gary has always loved animals. I remember him being quite fond of his pet ferret, letting it sleep under his covers as a little boy. His father and I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time, although I do recall he always woke up without his jammy bottoms. There were a few strange incidents now that I think of it. There was that time at the game farm when he french kissed a pig and tried to drink milk directly from a cow. We just figured he was craving attention from his father who actually couldn't stand him. I guess there was a little more to it than that," said Gary's mom.
(2 year old Gary introducing himself to a pig)
Busey, to the chagrin of his family, has run away with Sally and has vowed to find a society that will accept their relationship and not judge them. Possibly West Virginia.
"I don't think this is a stunt, I truly believe that Gary is deeply in love with Sally. I just hope he realizes something very important before he tries to consumate their relationship," said veterinarian and Animal Planet consultant Dr. Kent Tyner,"Sally is actually a male chimp, but having met Gary a few times, I don't think that will stop him." DD