Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Memphis, TN- Fred Bickle feels like a modern day David who tried to fight back against Goliath. Unlike the Biblical David, this version didn't stand a chance in a fight with a Goliath represented by high priced lawyers.
Bickle started a local delivery company using the name Fred Ex, and the slogan, "The Whirl on Time" which is a not so subtle twist on Fedex's "The World on Time". It is unclear what exactly is meant by the term 'whirl on time', and Bickle gave a cryptic response:
Bickle started a local delivery company using the name Fred Ex, and the slogan, "The Whirl on Time" which is a not so subtle twist on Fedex's "The World on Time". It is unclear what exactly is meant by the term 'whirl on time', and Bickle gave a cryptic response:
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Also, I'd like to thank Corrections Officer Manell for judging our "Dancing Behind The Bars" contest, and to our winning couple, Lamar and Manfredo, congratulations gentlemen, your tango was perfect. For a few fleeting moments I felt like I was enjoying an evening in a club in Buenos Aires, instead of this flea bitten hell hole. Thanks to all who pitched in, which really added to the success of the whole event. Of course old Bernie did most of the work, which appears to be par for the course in here, but that's neither here nor there. Happy to do it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Arlington, TX- The Giants won the World Series in 1954 with the help of players like,'The Say Hey Kid', Hoot and Hoyt, Windy and Dusty. They dominated the Cleveland Indians in that World Series, sweeping them in 4 games. Most baseball analysts expected many more championships from that team, but it never happened. The Giants moved from the Pologrounds in New York to San Francisco in the year 1958, the colorful nicknames slowly disappeared or retired, and the World Series crown has eluded them ever since.
Since their move in 1958, the Giants have played in 3 World Series, losing them all : 1962 to the Yankees, 1989 to the A's, 2002 to the Angels. While there have been numerous talented players on the Giants roster over the years, players like: Willie McCovey, Jack Clark, Will Clark and Barry Bonds, they could never seem to win the whole thing. Until now.
"The 2010 Giants finally won the World Series, defeating the Rangers in 5 games, not because they had more talent, but because they had much better nicknames. Just like they did in 1954. They haven't had that in 55 years," said baseball announcer Joe Buck, "over the years they've had -Barry Bonds, Will Clark, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, great players with boring names. Now they have 'The Freak' [Tim Lincecum] and 'The Beard' [Brian Wilson]. As far as the Rangers, they didn't stand a chance with players named- Cliff Lee, Josh Hamilton and , yawn, Michael Young. They really need to add some punch to those names if they want to compete with these guys. "
Thursday, October 21, 2010
"I'm down, yo, with the lingo," mused Mr. Jurgens, in the extremely uncomfortable way a 48 yr old white man sounds when trying to act hip.
"I know what's cool, I was a teenager once too, you know," said Jurgens, "if I think outside the box, it will interest the kids, and BOOYAH, we've got some learnin' goin' on in this shizzle."
When asked what a shizzle was, Jurgens shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "it's all relative, nobody quite knows what most of these words mean, in this case I'm assuming shizzle to mean my classroom. You see, I'm speaking to them just like they speak to each other. I'm breaking ground here, be-yotch."
Jurgens first class of the day Monday morning was asked to analyze lyrics from the Eminem song, 'Love the way you lie', as read by the teacher in a cringe- inducing attempt to sound ghetto-
"I told you this was my fault, look me in the eyeball,
Next time I'm pissed I'll lay my fist at the dry wall,
Next time, there won't be no next time,
I apologize even though I know it's lies,
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back,
I know I'm a liar, If she ever tries to f#*%in' leave again,
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."
Jurgens, tucking his shirt back in his pants after getting all worked up, asked for volunteers to analyze "this modern day urban poem" as he called it.
The students, doing their best not to laugh, looked around at each other until one brave student raised his hand.
"I think, he has a really bad temper, and he, um, hits his girlfriend, and I guess lies about it," said the student.
"That's right Kyle, or better yet, fo shizzle my nizzle. He is angry with his girlfriend, or ho, and gets physical with her and, yes, then he lies. But to whom? Her? The authorities? Himself?" Maybe a little of all three, huh, Kyle," said Jurgens with a smug look on his face.
Jurgens next tackled the Jay-Z song, '99 Problems'-
"If your havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
(dramatic pause by Mr. Jurgens, as he put on a Yankees cap and turned it to the side)
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe
got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."
"Who is going to tell us, what some of the problems are facing this young man, or should I say, gangsta?" asked Jurgens.
A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "I think he grew up poor, and now he has money, so people want to shoot him or something."
"That's right, Brittany, very good. He's dealing with jealousy from other young men, who, perhaps are still living in poverty, or the 'hood'. He's also dealing with violence, racism, and negative stereotypes, but apparently he has no problems finding women, because the bitch ain't one. Anyone else have anything to add?"
The class was silent.
After the class was dimissed, Jurgens was aked why he chose to dissect rap songs for his English class.
"I'm trying to keep them interested, there's only so much Shakespeare and Dickens that a teen mind can tolerate, it's boring to them. Heck, it's boring to me as well, I've been teaching the same damn books for 25 years. I've always found music to be the common ground that bridges the generation gap, so I mix it in. This year it's rap, yo," said Jurgens attempting to pose with arms folded," wait until they see the song that I picked for the mid-term, 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-lot. That song is rich with subtle nuances and playful double entendres. Let's see what kind of essays the kids can come up with for that one. I can't wait, it'll be off the hook."
DD (Betty Diddit reporting)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The singer's sexy outfit, while much more subdued than her usual attire, seems to have caused quite a reaction with several of the muppets.
Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, even Oscar the Grouch have all been acting erratically since the Katy Perry guest spot, especially around women.
"I can't even walk down the street without getting catcalls and comments from some of them lately. I expect that from Cookie, he's as horny as they come, but I'm shocked that Elmo is acting this way. I always thought he was gay," said Abby Cadabby.
Things came to a head yesterday, when Tyra Banks made a surprise visit to Sesame Street. The sight of the beautiful model and talk show host in skin tight jeans turned some of the muppets into uncontrollable libidinous creatures.
"Elmo suddenly has weird feeling in area below Elmo's stomach. Elmo first felt like this when singing with pretty Katy Perry. Elmo's fur is getting tight. Elmo must have you Tyra Banks," shrieked Elmo in his high pitched falsetto, as he pounced on Banks, kissing her ears and neck.
"Me make love to you woman! Me so horny! Ummm numm numm numm," joined in Cookie Monster, "you make me want to change my name to Nookie Monster."
"Bring her over here, I want to get her in the can," bellowed Oscar the Grouch.
Grover was removing his 'Super Grover' cape and helmet, and was about to join the furry orgy, when luckily, Bob McGrath, Luis, and several members of the crew were able to intervene before any damage was done.
"In over 40 years, I can assure you, I've never seen them act this way before," said a confused Bob McGrath, "we've had plenty of nice women of the program before, but none have aroused the muppets quite like this. I guess that Katy Perry appearance really stirred them up. Poor timing on Tyra's part, I guess we should have had Joan Rivers or Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan on, I doubt the muppets would have attacked either of them."
Order has been temporarily restored to the one time "safest street in America". Several of the muppets are undergoing counselling, and one muppet in particular, Cookie Monster, has been placed in a clinic for Sexual Addicts.
For now, the producers are sticking with guests who are less likely to evoke such strong reactions from the cast.
"Bob Costas, Ellen DeGeneres, Howie Mandel, these types of personalities. We'll play it safe, for now. I don't think booking Sofia Vergara from the show 'Modern Family' is such a good idea at this time," said a producer, "that woman might cause a relapse in some of them, especially Cookie."
DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)
"I came home with them [the Prescott family] from Mega mart, and I was a valuable member of their family for quite some time. I was the one that carried Cassie's art project to school, and Mrs. P told her, 'honey please bring home that bag'. And she did," said the bag.
"I was the holder of little Teddy's stained underwear when he had the accident at the park. Poor, embarrassed little Teddy, I saved the day," remembered the bag, as its voice was reduced to a saddened whisper.
The bag has been stuck in the tree for the last 2 weeks, and knows that the fall season brings much heavier winds.
"The winds are really starting to pick up. This is going to end in one of 2 ways," said the bag, "either a strong wind carries me right off this branch to freedom or, gulp, I get ripped apart and become several pieces of plastic blowing all around. Obviously I'm rooting against the latter."
DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)
Why, almost 20 years later, the Quaids suddenly believe this home to be magically back in their ownership is anyone's guess.
It does, however, follow a bizarre pattern the couple has undertaken in the past decade or so:
2000- Randy Quaid stormed behind the counter of a local pizzeria in Santa Barbara demanding free spaghetti and meatballs, claiming that he sold the owner of the restaurant ten dozen tomatoes grown on his property that he was never compensated for.
"This goddamn sketty sauce was made with my goddamn pa-matoes, and me and the missus are sure as hell gonna have some!" screamed Quaid to a basically empty restaurant, "my goddamn pa-matoes. Did you hear me? If you stiff a Quaid you'd better expect to pay the piper."
The owner of the restaurant, Luigi Pantangelo, tried to placate the outraged Quaid by giving him a free pot of spaghetti and meatballs to make him go away.
"I dunno who a this nutjob is, and I a don't care. I want him outta my pizzeria. Bad for business to have a nutjob like a this screaming. I buy a my tomatoes from a da same company I buy all a my produce. Why I'm gonna buy a tomatoes from some nutjob? From a his backyard? Getta the hell outta my store."
2003- While shopping in Beverly Hills, the Quaids came across a miniature collie tied to a parking meter outside of a clothing store. Evi Quaid untied the leash and the couple walked with the dog while they continued their window shopping. The frantic owner came out of the store and chased the Quaids down the street. The dog's owner, Roz Silverstein, confronted the Quaids and demanded her dog back.
Randy Quaid told Silverstein to "get bent" and refused to return the animal.
"Where I come from, whatever you put at the curb is considered unwanted by the person that put it there. If we put an old chair at the curb, have at it. If we put an unwanted rug at the curb, enjoy it. Do you see what I'm saying? Same theory applies here, as far as I'm concerned. You put a nice little poochie at the curb, someone's gonna take it. And guess what? We did. Evi wanted it, so, that as they say, is that," said Quaid to the crowd that had gathered around. Beverly Hills police arrived and immediately made the Quaids return the dog to Silverstein. A publicist for Quaid released a brief statement saying the incident was just a minor misunderstanding.
2005- Quaid accosts an 11 yr old boy riding a red Schwinn bicycle down Bear Valley Pkwy in Escondido, Ca. Quaid determines that this is the same bicycle that was stolen from him 40 years prior. The fact that Quaid grew up in Houston, Texas and this was Escondido, Ca, did not seem to faze the actor, nor did the fact that this was a new bike, obviously not 40 years old.
"You can try and change things, hell, you can replace every single part on the bike, which is obviously what they did, but I know what I know. I'd know that ol' Sting-Ray from a mile away, I loved that goddamn bike. You can't fool a Quaid. We're reunited and it feels so good."
The bike was, in fact, a Sting Ray, which had been discontinued for more than 30 years, and had just returned to the market in 2004. The style of the bike was totally updated from that of its predecessor, but Quaid was undeterred in his belief that this was his old bike. He pushed the young boy to the ground and hopped onto the 20" juvenile bike, whose frame immediately bent under the weight of the 260 lb Quaid.
"They ruined my old Sting-Ray! Ruined her! They changed everything! Why? Why? Why?" sobbed Quaid.
Quaid settled out of court on an undisclosed amount with the family of the young boy.
The list of incidents goes on and on, and are much too numerous to list here.
In a day and age when people such as Joaquin Phoenix are pretending to have lost their minds and are trying to dupe an unsuspecting audience, it is refreshing to see the antics of a celebrity who actually is crazy. There are no cameras following around Randy Quaid to document these acts of insanity, and for that we can only say, 'Thank You'. Keep making us smile big fella.
DD (Betty Diddit reporting)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
“For most of my life,” Khrystich explained,” I was plagued by the notion that something was missing from my life, and I’d never know true happiness until I found what it was.” It was only recently, after some sessions with a therapist, that Khrystich began to suspect that the source of his unhappiness: his own name.
“We have a large Italian community here,” he continued, “and when I’d see some of those names- Aiello, Napolitano, Esposito- I would feel a strange sense of unease, as though they were members of a fraternity that would never accept the likes of me.” But Khrystich credits Dr. Shlomo Mendelbaum, his psychologist, with helping him unlock the mystery. “Now I know that it is my deep-rooted envy of their melodious, vowel-enriched names that has made me unhappy all these years.”
“Ziggy, as I like to call him,” explains Dr. Mendelbaum, “has harbored such deep resentment all these years toward these people, despite their outward kindness and acceptance of him in the community as one of their own.” Even his wife, Elena, by all accounts a devoted wife and loving mother, has stirred his sense of unrest. “She has more vowels in her name than consonants,” Dr. Mendelbaum explained. “It’s almost unfair.”
Further complicating the matter is the fact that Khrystich’s parents, Thaddeusz and Ludzmilla, are alive and well and living nearby, and would be horrified if their beloved Zbygniew attempted to distance himself from his ancestry. “Every Christmas it’s the same- pierogies and borscht, pierogies and borscht,” Khrystich continued, becoming more animated. “Do you have any idea what that looks like when it’s all on the same plate? I’m tired of food that looks like something hacked up by a bulimic Cossack. Christ, I’d give my left nut for a lousy slice of turkey.”
But Dr. Helmut Dinckelacker, another local psychologist who once treated Khrystich, begs to differ. “I don’t think it is ze lack of vowels,” he explained in his heavily accented English, “so much as it is ze abundance of consonants zat is ze problem. I suggested to him zat perhaps he drop an ‘h’ or two from ze surname, or maybe even change ze ‘y’s’ to ‘i’s’, but he just called me an idiot and stormed out.” Dr. Dinckelacker then shook his head and sighed. “Without even paying ze bill, I might add.”
When asked for a reply to Dr. Dinckelacker’s comments, Dr. Mendelbaum was unimpressed. “Oh, please. That quack is clueless; his patients never stop calling me. In fact, I’m thinking of naming the 3,000 square foot extension I’m building on my house ‘The Dinckelacker Wing,’ with all the business I’ve gotten from him over the years.”
Khrystich, for his part, seems resigned to his fate. “Well, Dad just had a checkup, and his cholesterol’s lower than mine, so it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” he said with a sigh. “And both of Mom’s parents lived well into their nineties, so it looks like I’m stuck for now. But once they kick, you’ll be able to find me in the Yellow Pages under ‘Alopecia Areata.’”
DD (Vic Venom reporting)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
ACCORDING TO HER FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE- TAMMY COLLINS IS SO PSYCHED ABOUT CALLING IN SICK AND HITTING THE BEACH TODAY
Miss Collins's history of giving out too much information on her status updates have become legendary, and have usually resulted in some sort of backlash against her.
The following are samples of some of her posts over the past year:
Jan, 1 2010 (10:07 am)- Tammy Collins can't believe I had sex with the valet parker guy at last night's New Year's Party in the back of that crappy Subaru- Hope Dan doesn't find out. LOL
This post led to the subsequent divorce of Tammy Collins from Daniel Slater, who read her status 7 minutes after she posted it. It also contributed to the firing of Enrique Vega from his job at Villa Roma catering hall, and the lawsuit filed by the Hoffmans, owners of the Subaru.
Mar, 10 2010 (1:31 pm)- Tammy Collins hates her job as hostess at The Blue Water Bistro on West Elm Street. You wouldn't believe how filthy the kitchen is. YUK !!!! OMG-They reuse food there from people who didn't finish their meals. DISGUSTING!!!
Miss Collins was promptly fired 3 hours later when she arrived at the restaurant by the manager, who was alerted of the post by one of the waitresses. An inspector from the local Board of Health made a surprise visit 2 days later, and the restaurant was closed by the end of the week.
May, 22 2010 (4:16 pm)- Tammy Collins is having a horrible time at her neighbor Tanya Moseley's BBQ. Too many black people here. I feel like I'm in a Spike Lee movie, I think I'm the only whitey LOL. I can't wait to get the heck out of here.
Tanya Moseley received an alert on her Blackberry a few minutes later and immediately threw Miss Collins out of her backyard, and hasn't spoken to her since. Tanya Moseley had been used by Miss Collins as a reference for a job interview, and, well, you can imagine how that phone conversation went.
Jun 6, 2010 (9:34 am)- Tammy Collins is so looking forward to her 10 yr H.S. reunion tonight. I hope that Christina (the bitch) Morales and Julie (the ugly slut) Fitzpatrick aren't there. GOD I HATED THEM SOOOO MUCH !!!
Christina Morales Carpenter and Julie Fitzpatrick were, in fact, in attendance at the McKinley High School Ten Year Reunion at the Summit Hotel and Conference Center. The evening did not go as planned for Miss Collins whose car needed to be towed after it was "mysteriously" given 4 flat tires and a shattered rear window. Julie ("the ugly slut") Fitzpatrick did, however, seem to have a good time that evening, leaving the reunion with Tammy Collins's date, former valet parking attendant, Enrique Vega.
Aug 17, 2010 (8:11 pm)- Tammy Collins cannot believe her cousin Sara's children are such homely and spoiled brats. Just spent the day at their house. WOW these kids are rotten little bastards!!! NO MANNERS... NO PERSONALITY... I'm sorry to say but Sara and her husband Jack aren't much better- I guess you can't blame the kids with parents like that. JK- NOT..LOL
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Although Revis was asking for over $16 million per year, he settled for $46 million over the 4 years, with $32 million of it guaranteed, which breaks down to....well....4 into 46, 11....and carry the...oh whatever, let's just say it's a lot more than you and I make and we'll call it a day.
I, Darrelle Shavar Revis, do make the following requests from the New York Jets:
1. $16 million per year for a minimum of 4 years ( Half of which must be guaranteed).
3. Please have Rex Ryan wear clothes at ALL TIMES. If he needs to shower or take a soak in the hot tub, do it at home, or at least 1 hr AFTER all players, personnel, their families, and generally anyone with sight, has left the premises.
5. Please have fire marshall Bill or Ed, removed from his seat on the 50 yard line, and placed in one of the upper seats. He's way too annoying. Weird, I guess there's never any fires on Sundays?? We need to look into that.
7. Find out once and for all if Joe Namath is wearing a wig. That is way too much hair for a man pushing 70 years old. And I really need him to stay away from my ladies. Did I mention that?
8. I like Mark Sanchez, but see if Peyton Manning is available. Come on Mr. Johnson, use some of that baby shampoo fortune your granddaddy left you and get us a proven winner.
|Joe Namath pretending to listen to Rex Ryan, |
while watching a young woman adjust her top.
With the two sides finally coming together, the team can now concentrate on the upcoming season, instead of off field distractions. The season opens Monday night Sept 13th against the Baltimore Ravens, and Darrelle Revis and the Jets should be ready for the challenge.
When asked if Revis being on the field will change the game plan for the Ravens, Linebacker Ray Lewis had this to say:
"Helllll Nooooo. No excuses now when we whip their asses. They have all their players, good for them, they're gonna need them. Revis and Buttheads. I like that, it has a nice ring. Almost as nice as my Superbowl ring. Game on son."
The signing of Revis insures the Jets of having the premier cornerback in the league locked up for the next 4 years. Will he and the Jets live up to all the hype? Only time will tell. The first test is Monday night.
DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
In a bizarre case of extreme animal cruelty, Buddy and Dot Gobinski have been fornicating in front of their black labrador retreiver, Rufus.
Poor Rufus has witnessed this horrible display one time too many, and now the poor dog refuses to move from under the bed. He has been under there 4 days and counting.
"The traumatized dog has witnessed something that more than likely has scarred him for life. He may not ever be the same again," said animal psychiatrist Dr. Dan Fortuna," it may take months or even years of therapy to make this poor animal right."
The Gobinskis have been married 12 years and still have sex at least once a day, unlike most other married couples who have been married for that length of time. Their love making rituals often involve "role playing" and sometimes things get quite bizarre.
"Buddy and I are a couple of free spirits, we enjoy sex and like to play games to, you know, spice it up a little. We are not afraid to openly show our affection for one another. Rufus never minded before. He's 6 years old now, his puppy days are a distant memory. I'm surprised at his reaction to our love making, he's seen it all before," said Dot Gobinski.
The final straw for poor Rufus may have been the latest bit of role playing done by the Gobinskis. They played "the hungry baker and the glazed doughnut" and poor Rufus apparently had seen enough, and hid under the bed where he still remains.
"That poor animal. After what he's seen I'm surprised he didn't try to impale himself on a sharp implement and commit hari kari. More power to the Gobinskis for enjoying a healthy sexual relationship, but let's face it, Angelina and Brad they are not. We have our work cut out for us trying to get Rufus back to normal. The first step is getting him out from under that bed, he won't budge," said Dr. Fortuna.
DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
PATIENT HORRIFIED TO LEARN SURGEON IS SAME GUY WHO USED TO CHEAT OFF HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY CLASS
Nathan Pitts, while checking his Blackberry for messages between sales calls, crashed his Toyota Prius into a truck as he carelessly merged onto the expressway. The next thing he remembers is waking up on a gurney in the hospital, and looking into a vaguely familiar face.
"I wasn't sure what happened or where I was exactly. The man in the white doctor's coat standing over me looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. Until he spoke, and then memories from over 25 years ago came flooding back in," said Pitts, "it was the voice of the boy that used to ask me to drop my shoulder so he could copy my answers on the Biology tests in high school. I almost blacked out again when I found out that he was the surgeon who was about to operate on me."
Pitts's memory did not betray him. Dr. Terrence Ferguson was indeed the same boy who used to cheat off of him in high school, and whose nickname back then was "Roach Clip".
"I was distracted in high school, as most of us are. Girls, music, sports, and yes the occasional joint. That was high school. That's what you did. I took some time off after high school, traveled and sorted my life out. I eventually went to college and then went to the island of Grenada and got my medical degree at St. George's University School of Medicine. It's all legit. Don't worry," said Dr. Ferguson.
Pitts's accident left him with various injuries including: several cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen and a punctured lung, which required emergency surgery. Dr. Ferguson performed the surgery, and proclaimed the operation a success.
"Piece of cake. I could have done that one with one hand and my eyes closed, and as a matter of fact, I think I did. Late night of partying last night," Said the doctor as he winked at the recovering patient, "just kidding old pal. Now we're even Pittsy. I couldn't have gotten through that boring Biology class without your help."
Pitts is recovering nicely, but still has a nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong.
"They tell me to relax and say everything is fine, that I'll be as good as new very soon. How can I possibly relax? I was just operated on by "Roach Clip"! The guy was as dumb as a rock. He couldn't even dissect a damn frog, and this is the same guy that just had his smelly brown fingernails inside my body. Oh God, I swear to you he screwed this up somehow! He probably left a scalpel or some sponges or something inside of me. Or worse yet, he removed something that he wasn't supposed to. I need to increase my life insurance policy immediately."
DD ( Betty Diddit reporting)
Hello again my fellow movie lovers. This week we are going to move from the theaters to the living room. The release of Jennifer Lopez's movie, "The Back Up Plan" on DVD got me to thinking (which is usually a dangerous endeavor). While Miss Lopez is certainly easy on the eyes (I could pitch a tent and live on that rump quite happily for quite some time), her acting and subsequent movie choices are generally abysmal. The "Back Up Plan" is no exception. Pure unadulterated crap.
I started thinking about "cross-over" stars, like the aforementioned Miss Lopez, and wondered who is the most talented and successful, if any, of any of these sort of people.
Let's start with singers who have attempted to become actors.
Now, I may be mistaken, because I don't really like to do all the boring research, but I think J Lo (that's her aka on the streets or so I hear) started off as a dancer, a "Fly Girl" I believe they were called on the show "In Living Color". I could be mistaken, but truthfully, I don't care. So, I'll tell you what we'll come back to her in a bit. We'll continue, unless you have something better to do.
I didn't think so.
The latest crop of "cross overs" (singers to actors) is becoming very crowded. Singers such as: Justin Timberlake, Miley Cirus, Britney Spears, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, have all made their jump to the big screen. Of this new crop, we'll have to go with Jennifer Hudson, since she won an Academy Award (1 of only a very few "cross overs" to achieve this distinction. We'll get to the rest in due course, keep your shirt on). My personal favorite, however, is Beyonce. I could watch her lounging around the pool in a bikini and become quite captivated, which is exactly what I've done. Investing in a powerful telescope is the best gift I've ever given to myself.
Let's move on. For the record, I don't accept Rap music as singing. As a matter of fact I don't even accept it as music. I call Rap- Retards Attempting Poetry. My wife hates when I say that, she calls me close minded. I really don't care, I'm old and I say whatever the hell I want. That's one of the benefits of being old. Now, even though I have zero tolerance for (c)rap , I'll allow it as music only for the benefit of this article. I have to, it seems every rapper eventually segues into acting. I don't know why this is, it just is. Who the hell knows?
It must be some unwritten rule that regular shmoes like you and I aren't privy to. You rap then you act.
The list is endless and most of these "singers" aren't worth spit as "actors" so I'll whittle the list down to a few of the ones that I think are worthy of mention. I believe the grandaddy of all these rappers turned actors is LL Cool J. I've seen worse, I'm calling you out DMX (figuratively of course, don't come looking for me to put a cap in my ass, or whatever the hell they say). Alright, let me list a few of these ridiculous "names" with the creative spellings, and I'll tell you who I think is the best. P- Diddy, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Eminem, Mos Def, Snoop Dog, Common. Of these, I'll go with Mos Def, he's not bad, but the best of the rappers turned actors comes down to just 3 names. Queen Latifah, Marky Mark and the one and only Fresh Prince, Will Smith. Mr. Smith is the clear cut winner in this category. I can't believe he was actually once a rapper, he probably can't either. Thank God he moved on.
Now, let's go "old school" and go back to the beginning. It all started with one man, The King, Elvis Presley. He jumped into acting back in the 1950's and cranked out one clunker after another through the 1960's. I'm sorry, but as an actor Elvis was awful. He had a screen presence, I'll give him that, but his acting and movies stink. Save your letters, ok, because I don't read them anyway.
On this list of old timers, along with Elvis are the following: Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. Let's add some ladies to the list: Barbara Steisand, Bette Midler, Cher and oh what the hell, Madonna. This is a powerful list, and while I'm sure most of you would go with Ol' Blue Eyes (Sinatra), I'm going with Cher. Once again, save your lousy letters, I'll use them to line my bird cage if you send them, no offense. Sinatra did win an Academy Award for his acting, but in my humble opinion, Cher has more range as an actor/actress, and she also has a much better body. Now, listen, Streisand is probably the most talented, because she is a competent director as well, but I can't stand her holier than thou persona. So that's that. Cher wins this round.
Alright, let's throw one final cross-over list into the mix, containing athletes and dancers. This list is pretty thin, as not many have made the successful transition. The most famous is former body-builder Arnold Schwarzenegger (or however the hell you spell that mess of letters). He would definitely be the most successful, and he's been in a few good movies (Terminator, T2, True Lies) and plenty of bad ones. The rest of the list goes like this: Jim Brown (football), OJ Simpson (murderer, oops sorry- football), Chuck Norris (karate), Bruce Lee (martial arts), Carl Weathers (football), Bob Uecker (baseball), Mikhail Baryshnikov - I have no idea if I came close to spelling that right, nor do I care (ballet dancer), Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (wrestling) and let's end where we began with the ample buttocks of Jennifer Lopez (Dancer). Let's face it, the acting on this list is pretty lame. We have to go with J Lo on this one, although maybe I'm going senile, but The Rock has shown some potential (if he can stop making kid friendly garbage that even kids hate).
I love lists, so here is my Top 10 all-time "cross-over" actors:
1. Will Smith (2 time Best Actor nominee- Ali and The Pursuit of Happyness)
2. Cher (Best Actress Academy Award for- Moonstruck)
3. Frank Sinatra (Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for- From Here To Eternity)
4. Barbara Streisand (Best Actress Academy Award- Funnygirl)
5. Beyonce (No acting nominations, yet, but in a word, delicious)
6. Jennifer Hudson (Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for- Dreamgirls)
7. Queen Latifah (Best Supporting Actress nominee- Chicago)
8. Mark Wahlberg (Best Supporting Actor nominee- The Departed)
9. Jennifer Lopez (Golden Globe nominee Best Actress- Selena)
10. who cares ?? It sure ain't Hulk Hogan... I've grown bored with this, and I'm sure you have too
Until next time, don't choke on any kernels......I'm Pop Kahn
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Ravings of a Madman: (or Brief Anecdotes by a Guy Who Knows How You Should Be Living Your Life a Whole Lot Better Than You Do)
A New Daily Drivel Column
By Paco Quintana
I Don’t Like Old People
I think I’ve made my point. Now let’s get some things straight. I am a firm believer in the fact that people don’t change. That nasty, nefarious, closed minded, old bat was just as nasty, nefarious, and closed minded when she was twenty. So, what happened to all the nice people, didn’t they get old too? Well, here’s the answer to that question; no, they’re all @#$#%^ dead!!!!!!! That idiot with the big nose from Oyster Bay, Long Island got it right, “Only the good die young”.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The bigger question was, and is, why was the boy such a terrible swimmer? Was this not a summer camp called, "Camp Crystal Lake"? Shouldn't someone going to a camp, whose very name mentions a large body of water, have some sort of swimming skills? Where was his buddy? Why was he alone? We all know the rules of summer camps. Everyone has a swimming buddy for this exact reason, so that you don't go drowning in the lake.
Somehow, someway, Jason Voorhees thought a night swim was a great idea, while possessing absolutely no swimming skills, on Friday the 13th of all days. Now the Voorhees family will never be confused with Rhodes scholars, that I can assure you, but this idea was dumb, even for a Voorhees.
Did Jason Voorhees drown in the lake or not? We don't know. His young body was never found.
What we do know is 22 years later, on Friday the 13th, camp counselors at the newly renovated and re-opened "Camp Crystal Lake" were butchered by a very angry gentleman wearing a hockey mask and carrying a very large machete. Is this the work of that same lousy childhood swimmer? Perhaps. I don't think there were too many people seeking revenge on counselors at "Camp Crystal Lake" except for those who died in their care. That is a short list. A very short list containing one name, and that name is not Michael Phelps.
This has been- "This Day in History" I am Prof. Lars Von Streudel
Thursday, August 12, 2010
According to eyewitnesses, the father-in-law made a funny comment about K-Rod's weight, and the Mets closer started throwing punches at the older gentleman.
"The father-in-law was just trying to be funny, pointing at his [K-Rod's] stomach and asking how many months along he was. K-Rod can be a bit of a baby and started yelling curses in Spanish and began hitting the old guy. He's used to giving up a lot of hits, but these hits were certainly not earned," said the unidentified clubhouse source.
K-Rod was taken into custody in Queens and charged with Third Degree Assault, which is a misdemeanor. The father-in-law, meanwhile, was taken to the hospital suffering from a bump on the head and scrapes to his face and scalp.
The final line on K-Rod's night: 1 walk (in handcuffs), 2 hits, and No balls.
DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Flint, MI- Howard Ketcham came home from work last night, changed his clothes, washed his hands, and sat down at the dinner table. After several minutes, a mild panic took over Ketcham's usually calm demeanor, as he realized his wife wasn't home, and there was no dinner waiting for him.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
"What a relief," said Berra, "I really thought either me or Whitey [Ford] was gonna be number three, but it turned out to be Houk. I don't mean to belittle his passing, not at all, Houk was a good guy and a good baseball man, I'm gonna miss him."
The theory that death comes in threes seems to be valid after the passing of 99 year old Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard, 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, and now 90 year old former Yankees manager Ralph Houk. All in a little over a week of each other.
"I was feeling the pressure, I really was. I've been a mess for the past week or so. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. I fell on my face a few days ago and busted up my nose pretty good and had to be rushed to the hospital. I thought that was it. Whitey even sent me a card, thinking that I was next. I missed the Old Timer's Game at the stadium, and I'm sure most of you thought I was next too. Not so fast," said Berra.
Ralph Houk, who had 2 stints as manager of the Yankees from 1961-1974, led the team to back-to-back World Series championships in 1961 and 1962. He was known to have a combustible personality and his hot temper clashed immediately with Steinbrenner, who bought the team in 1973. Houk resigned in 1974, and even though he won 2 championships, his association with the Yankees and his legacy have been diminished over the years because he helmed the team during the winless and lackluster years of 1964-1973.
"I almost forgot about Houk when I was trying to think of who might be next. How could I forget old Houk? Well, hopefully, the grim reaper's quota is full for awhile. I plan on being around for a bit, especially to see [Derek] Jeter get hitched, and to win my bet with [Alex] Rodriguez.
As a catcher, I took my fair share of balls off the face. At least I was wearing a mask at the time. He's gonna wish he was in Houk's place when I win. He's seen balls up close traveling at 85 plenty of times, but he's never seen them up close that have been traveling for 85 years."
DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
New York- Yankees legend Yogi Berra had trouble sleeping all week. On Monday he received the news that 99 year old Yankee announcer Bob Sheppard had passed away, only to hear 2 days later that 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner had also passed. It was sobering news for the 85 year old Berra.
"Sheppard was CLASS through and through, George was something that rhymes with class, if you remove a few letters. I was sad, but not surprised about Shep. He was almost a century old, which is like 100 years, but I was thrown for a loop when I heard about George. And only 2 days apart. That's the part that got me. They say these things come in threes, so I've had cold sweats all week long," said Berra.
Berra is now officially the oldest living person associated with the Yankees, followed by 83 year old ex- pitcher Whitey Ford.
"What's the statue on these things coming in threes? 1 week? 1 month? 3 months? I don't know, I was never any good with numbers, but I guess it's a race between me and Whitey for the third slot. Although, don't count out [Dwight] Gooden, have you seen what he looks like lately?"
Berra's limited mobility prevented him from attending Bob Sheppard's funeral and he doesn't plan on attending the memorial service for George Steinbrenner.
"I'm staying put," said Berra," I sent my symphonies to the families, telling them how sorry I am. I don't think I'll be leaving the house for awhile. I don't wanna take any chances, I plan on sticking around for a bit. I have a secret, long standing bet with Alex [Rodriguez] that I would live to see [Derek] Jeter get married. He said I'd be pushin' up daisies long before Jeter would settle down. Well, guess what, he [Jeter] got engaged last year, so I'm almost there.
I can't wait to rub it in Alex's face, which is actually the bet. The winner gets to rub his 'you know what' in the loser's face, which shows you how smart he [Alex] is. The bet was his idea, not mine. If he wins the bet, that'll mean that I'm dead. I really can't lose. I didn't even make it through the 8th grade, what's his excuse?
It doesn't matter, cause I'm winnin' that bet. That's what's keeping me going, the look on his [Alex's] face when he loses and realizes what's about to happen. Sorry Whitey, you're up next. Say hello to Shep and the Boss for me."
(Alex Rodriguez agreed to be interviewed for the story, but when the question was asked about the bet with Yogi Berra, he promptly hung up the phone. Read into that what you will. Laszlo Ferrar reporting) DD