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Monday, November 8, 2010

LOCAL DELIVERY MAN IS FORCED TO CHANGE BUSINESS NAME

Memphis, TN-  Fred Bickle feels like a modern day David who tried to fight back against Goliath. Unlike the Biblical David, this version didn't stand a chance in a fight with a Goliath represented by high priced lawyers.

Bickle started a local delivery company using the name Fred Ex, and the slogan, "The Whirl on Time" which is a not so subtle twist on Fedex's "The World on Time". It is unclear what exactly is meant by the term 'whirl on time', and Bickle gave a cryptic response:

"We all know that a whirl goes fast, don't we? Well, I'm doing that, and I'm also doing it on time. Plain and simple. I'm certainly not copying their lame slogan, I didn't even know they had a slogan," said Bickle.

It would appear that the global delivery company has a justified case of copyright infringement and a ruling by the Tennessee State Court recently confirmed as much, ordering Bickle to stop using the name and slogan immediately.

"Why would a billion dollar company give two hoots about a guy making local deliveries in the back of a beat up van? I shouldn't even be a blip on their radar," said Bickle.

The Fred Ex delivery business is just the latest failure in a long line of them for Bickle, which have included: Mr. Field's Cookies, Kentucky Fried Turkey and Motel 7.

"I'm not a man who gives up easily, I have this van that I plan to put to use. I'm thinking of painting it brown and calling it "DOWNS", which stands for Delivery of Whatever's Needed Service.  I'd like to see them attempt to sue me over that one. I already have a catch phrase ready- What can Down do for you? Now, that, is original, if I do say so myself."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

 Hello Schmucks, Madoff here.  First let me say, our cell block Halloween Party was a smashing success. I'd like to thank Darryl for his help with the decorations, Earl for his assistance with the food, and Garnett for his sewing skills with the costumes. I couldn't have done it without you fine gentlemen. Kudos to you all.















Also, I'd like to thank Corrections Officer Manell for judging our "Dancing Behind The Bars" contest, and to our winning couple, Lamar and Manfredo, congratulations gentlemen, your tango was perfect. For a few fleeting moments I felt like I was enjoying an evening in a club in Buenos Aires, instead of this flea bitten hell hole. Thanks to all who pitched in, which really added to the success of the whole event. Of course old Bernie did most of the work, which appears to be par for the course in here, but that's neither here nor there. Happy to do it.

     Now, that I've said that, let's delve into some of the other not so nice business that must and will be addressed. Someone is stealing from me. Ironic as that statement sounds, it happens to be true. Some of you reading this are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your heads at Madoff complaining about being ripped off. Well, to you I say, go invest your money with Morgan Stanley, and then we'll talk about who is the bigger thief. Anyway, back to my particular plight. Besides my wife Ruth and a bowl of creamy rice pudding there are a scant few things left in my life that I really give a crap about. I had 3 things in here that kept me sane in a world of utter insanity in this vile cement jungle:

1) a tattered copy of the book "Goodnight Moon"
2) a slightly rusted metal slinky (my first toy)
3) a 1938 wheat penny (the year of my birth)

One by one, all 3 of these items have disappeared. This does not make Bernie very happy.  None of these items are worth anything to the incarcerated animal that took them, but to me, they mean the world.
My bedtime ritual consists of: fending off potential sodomists with slick double talk, a little play with the slinky, a flip of the penny for good luck, and a reading of Goodnight Moon....

"Goodnight comb, Goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody and Goodnight mush."

Then off to sleep.This has been my nightly ritual for as far back as I can remember (minus the sodomy of course, although Ruth and I did experiment a little now and again, but that is neither here nor there). Don't judge me, you too, I'm sure,  have some nightly ritual that you do to get to sleep. You know who you are, so you know where Bernie is coming from. Just because I've been imprisoned does not mean I have to change all my habits. Well, that is, until some sub-human decided to take what was mine.

I cannot sleep.  Bernie cannot function without sleep. Some can, and I'm jealous of those that can, but I cannot.  I am asking the confused person or persons who has stolen these items from me to please return them. No questions asked. There may be a financial reward if the offending party returns these treasures to me. Am I broke? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. The only way to find out is the safe return of these items.
Until then, Madoff will be pacing his cell, not sleeping.
Madoff out

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Freak and The Beard Help The Giants Win The World Series

Arlington, TX- The Giants won the World Series in 1954 with the help of players like,'The Say Hey Kid', Hoot and Hoyt, Windy and Dusty. They dominated the Cleveland Indians in that World Series, sweeping them in 4 games. Most baseball analysts expected many more championships from that team, but it never happened. The Giants moved from the Pologrounds in New York to San Francisco in the year 1958, the colorful nicknames slowly disappeared or retired, and the World Series crown has eluded them ever since.

The Freak
 Since their move in 1958, the Giants have played in 3 World Series, losing them all : 1962 to the Yankees, 1989 to the A's, 2002 to the Angels. While there have been numerous talented players on the Giants roster over the years, players like: Willie McCovey, Jack Clark, Will Clark and Barry Bonds, they could never seem to win the whole thing. Until now.


The Beard
 "The 2010 Giants finally won the World Series, defeating the Rangers in 5 games, not because they had more talent, but because they had much better nicknames. Just like they did in 1954. They haven't had that in 55 years," said baseball announcer Joe Buck, "over the years they've had -Barry Bonds, Will Clark, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, great players with boring names.  Now they have 'The Freak' [Tim Lincecum] and 'The Beard' [Brian Wilson]. As far as the Rangers, they didn't stand a chance with players named- Cliff Lee, Josh Hamilton and , yawn, Michael Young. They really need to add some punch to those names if they want to compete with these guys. "

Along with The Freak and The Beard, the Giants have a rookie catcher with a porn star's name- Buster Posey,  a journeyman 1st baseman with a name that sounds like a spoiled little school girl- Aubrey Huff, and a 3rd baseman  called- 'Kung Fu Panda' [Pablo Sandoval] who also goes by the nickname, 'The Round Mound of Pound'. The Giants are rich with colorful names, and most teams cannot compete with that.


"The names on this team sound like cartoon names from the 1970's. I can imagine a show on Saturday morning 1976, with names like these airing right after "Hong Kong Phooey" and "The Great Grape Ape".  That's what makes this team so unstoppable," said announcer Tim McCarver, "The poor Rangers didn't stand a chance, it was almost unfair. I think if Kung Fu Panda hadn't been in a slump and had played the whole Series, the Rangers would have been swept."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)


Thursday, October 21, 2010

WHITE TEACHER ATTEMPTS TO USE RAP LYRICS TO TEACH STUDENTS

Lexington, Ky-  Mr. Ernest Jurgens, an english teacher at Lafayette High School in Lexington, Kentucky, has a new topic this semester in his English Lit class. Mr.Jurgens, who tries to keep his finger on the pulse of pop culture in order to connect with his students, is attempting to teach and analyze rap lyrics with his students.

"I'm down, yo, with the lingo," mused Mr. Jurgens, in the extremely uncomfortable way a 48 yr old white man sounds when trying to act hip.

"I know what's cool, I was a teenager once too, you know," said Jurgens, "if I think outside the box, it will interest the kids, and BOOYAH, we've got some learnin' goin' on in this shizzle."

When asked what a shizzle was, Jurgens shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "it's all relative, nobody quite knows what most of these words mean, in this case I'm assuming shizzle to mean my classroom. You see, I'm speaking to them just like they speak to each other. I'm breaking ground here, be-yotch."

Jurgens first class of the day Monday morning was asked to analyze lyrics from the Eminem song, 'Love the way you lie', as read by the teacher in a cringe- inducing attempt to sound ghetto-

"I told you this was my fault, look me in the eyeball,
Next time I'm pissed I'll lay my fist at the dry wall,
Next time, there won't be no next time,
I apologize even though I know it's lies,
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back,
I know I'm a liar, If she ever tries to f#*%in' leave again,
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."

Jurgens, tucking his shirt back in his pants after getting all worked up, asked for volunteers to analyze "this modern day urban poem" as he called it.

The students, doing their best not to laugh, looked around at each other until one brave student raised his hand.

"I think,  he has a really bad temper, and he, um, hits his girlfriend, and I guess lies about it," said the student.

"That's right Kyle, or better yet, fo shizzle my nizzle. He is angry with his girlfriend, or ho, and gets physical with her and, yes, then he lies. But to whom? Her? The authorities? Himself?" Maybe a little of all three, huh, Kyle," said Jurgens with a smug look on his face.

Jurgens next tackled the Jay-Z song, '99 Problems'-

"If your havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
(dramatic pause by Mr. Jurgens, as he put on a Yankees cap and turned it to the side)
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe

 got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."

"Who is going to tell us, what some of the problems are facing this young man, or should I say, gangsta?" asked Jurgens.

A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "I think he grew up poor, and now he has money, so people want to shoot him or something."

"That's right, Brittany, very good. He's dealing with jealousy from other young men, who, perhaps are still living in poverty, or the 'hood'.  He's also dealing with violence, racism, and negative stereotypes, but apparently he has no problems finding women, because the bitch ain't one. Anyone else have anything to add?"

The class was silent.

After the class was dimissed, Jurgens was aked why he chose to dissect rap songs for his English class.

"I'm trying to keep them interested, there's only so much Shakespeare and Dickens that a teen mind can tolerate, it's boring to them. Heck, it's boring to me as well, I've been teaching the same damn books for 25 years. I've always found music to be the common ground that bridges the generation gap, so I mix it in. This year it's rap, yo," said Jurgens attempting to pose with arms folded," wait until they see the song that I picked for the mid-term, 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-lot. That song is rich with subtle nuances and playful double entendres. Let's see what kind of essays the kids can come up with for that one.  I can't wait, it'll be off the hook."

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

MUPPETS GET HORNY AFTER KATY PERRY'S APPEARANCE

Sesame Street-  Katy Perry's appearance did not air on Sesame Street, as producers deemed her attire inappropriate for the 'Sesame Street image'.



The singer's sexy outfit, while much more subdued than her usual attire, seems to have caused quite a reaction with several of the muppets.

Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, even Oscar the Grouch have all been acting erratically since the Katy Perry guest spot, especially around women.

"I can't even walk down the street without getting catcalls and comments from some of them lately. I expect that from Cookie, he's as horny as they come, but I'm shocked that Elmo is acting this way. I always thought he was gay," said Abby Cadabby.

Things came to a head yesterday, when Tyra Banks made a surprise visit to Sesame Street. The sight of the beautiful model and talk show host in skin tight jeans turned some of the muppets into uncontrollable libidinous creatures.

"Elmo suddenly has weird feeling in area below Elmo's stomach. Elmo first felt like this when singing with pretty Katy Perry. Elmo's fur is getting tight. Elmo must have you Tyra Banks," shrieked Elmo in his high pitched falsetto, as he pounced on Banks, kissing her ears and neck.

"Me make love to you woman! Me so horny! Ummm numm numm numm," joined in Cookie Monster, "you make me want to change my name to Nookie Monster."

"Bring her over here, I want to get her in the can," bellowed Oscar the Grouch.

Grover was removing his 'Super Grover' cape and helmet, and was about to join the furry orgy, when luckily, Bob McGrath, Luis, and several members of the crew were able to intervene before any damage was done.

"In over 40 years, I can assure you, I've never seen them act this way before," said a confused Bob McGrath, "we've had plenty of nice women of the program before, but none have aroused the muppets quite like this. I guess that Katy Perry appearance really stirred them up. Poor timing on Tyra's part, I guess we should have had Joan Rivers or Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan on, I doubt the muppets would have attacked either of them."

Order has been temporarily restored to the one time "safest street in America". Several of the muppets are undergoing counselling, and one muppet in particular, Cookie Monster, has been placed in a clinic for Sexual Addicts.
For now, the producers are sticking with guests who are less likely to evoke such strong reactions from the cast.
"Bob Costas, Ellen DeGeneres, Howie Mandel, these types of personalities. We'll play it safe, for now. I don't think booking Sofia Vergara from the show 'Modern Family' is such a good idea at this time," said a producer, "that woman might cause a relapse in some of them, especially Cookie."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

DISCARDED PLASTIC BAG STUCK IN TREE WAS IMPORTANT, ONCE

New Paltz, NY-  A white plastic bag stuck high on a tree limb tries to pass the time by thinking about memories from a not so distant past. A past when it was important and actually served a purpose.

"I came home with them [the Prescott family] from Mega mart, and I was a valuable member of their family for quite some time. I was the one that carried Cassie's art project to school, and Mrs. P told her, 'honey please bring home that bag'. And she did," said the bag.

"I was the holder of little Teddy's stained underwear when he had the accident at the park. Poor, embarrassed little Teddy, I saved the day," remembered the bag, as its voice was reduced to a saddened whisper.

The bag has been stuck in the tree for the last 2 weeks, and knows that the fall season brings much heavier winds.

"The winds are really starting to pick up. This is going to end in one of 2 ways," said the bag, "either a strong wind carries me right off this branch to freedom or, gulp, I get ripped apart and become several pieces of plastic blowing all around. Obviously I'm rooting against the latter."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

RANDY QUAID AND WIFE ARRESTED AS SQUATTERS

Montecito, Ca-  Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested this week as trespassers in a home that they no longer own. Allegedly, the Quaids caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Montecito, California home, breaking expensive mirrors and replacing them with pictures of themselves. According to court documents, the Quaids sold their former home to a movie studio exec named Bruce Berman, back in 1991.
Why, almost 20 years later, the Quaids suddenly believe this home to be magically back in their ownership is anyone's guess.
It does, however, follow a bizarre pattern the couple has undertaken in the past decade or so:

2000- Randy Quaid stormed behind the counter of a local pizzeria in Santa Barbara demanding free spaghetti and meatballs, claiming that he sold the owner of the restaurant ten dozen tomatoes grown on his property that he was never compensated for.
"This goddamn sketty sauce was made with my goddamn pa-matoes, and me and the missus are sure as hell gonna have some!" screamed Quaid to a basically empty restaurant, "my goddamn pa-matoes. Did you hear me? If you stiff a Quaid you'd better expect to pay the piper."
The owner of the restaurant, Luigi Pantangelo, tried to placate the outraged Quaid by giving him a free pot of spaghetti and meatballs to make him go away.
"I dunno who a this nutjob is, and I a don't care. I want him outta my pizzeria. Bad for business to have a nutjob like a this screaming. I buy a my tomatoes from a da same company I buy all a my produce. Why I'm gonna buy a tomatoes from some nutjob? From a his backyard? Getta the hell outta my store."

2003- While shopping in Beverly Hills, the Quaids came across a miniature collie tied to a parking meter outside of a clothing store. Evi Quaid untied the leash and the couple walked with the dog while they continued their window shopping. The frantic owner came out of the store and chased the Quaids down the street. The dog's owner, Roz Silverstein, confronted the Quaids and demanded her dog back.
Randy Quaid told Silverstein to "get bent" and refused to return the animal.
"Where I come from, whatever you put at the curb is considered unwanted by the person that put it there. If we put an old chair at the curb, have at it. If we put an unwanted rug at the curb, enjoy it. Do you see what I'm saying? Same theory applies here, as far as I'm concerned. You put a nice little poochie at the curb, someone's gonna take it. And  guess what? We did. Evi wanted it, so, that as they say, is that," said Quaid to the crowd that had gathered around. Beverly Hills police arrived and immediately made the Quaids return the dog to Silverstein. A publicist for Quaid released a brief statement saying the incident was just a minor misunderstanding.

2005-  Quaid accosts an 11 yr old boy riding a red Schwinn bicycle down Bear Valley Pkwy in Escondido, Ca. Quaid determines that this is the same bicycle that was stolen from him 40 years prior. The fact that Quaid grew up in Houston, Texas and this was Escondido, Ca, did not seem to faze the actor, nor did the fact that this was a new bike, obviously not 40 years old.
"You can try and change things, hell, you can replace every single part on the bike, which is obviously what they did, but I know what I know. I'd know that ol' Sting-Ray from a mile away, I loved that goddamn bike. You can't fool a Quaid. We're reunited and it feels so good."
The bike was, in fact, a Sting Ray, which had been discontinued for more than 30 years, and had just returned to the market in 2004.  The style of the bike was totally updated from that of its predecessor, but Quaid was undeterred in his belief that this was his old bike. He pushed the young boy to the ground and hopped onto the 20" juvenile bike, whose frame immediately bent under the weight of the 260 lb Quaid.
"They ruined my old Sting-Ray! Ruined her! They changed everything! Why? Why? Why?" sobbed Quaid.
Quaid settled out of court on an undisclosed amount with the family of the young boy.

The list of incidents goes on and on, and are much too numerous to list here.

In a day and age when people such as Joaquin Phoenix are pretending to have lost their minds and are trying to dupe an unsuspecting audience, it is refreshing to see the antics of a celebrity who actually is crazy. There are no cameras following around Randy Quaid to document these acts of insanity, and for that we can only say, 'Thank You'.  Keep making us smile big fella.

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

OHIO MAN LAMENTS LACK OF VOWELS

Shaker Heights, OH- Zbygniew Khrystich, a machinist at nearby Smithson Industries, is a first generation American of Polish-Russian descent who has made his hard-working, immigrant parents proud. A respected union leader and local zoning board member, he and his wife, Elena, are also the proud parents of two teenage daughters, the eldest of which is beginning her sophomore year at Cleveland State this fall. The 52-year old (who could easily pass for a man ten years younger) enjoys a round of golf every Sunday after Mass, weather permitting, with the same three friends he’s known since high school, and their families often vacation together come wintertime. In many ways, he is the personification of the American dream…and yet, he is unhappy.

“For most of my life,” Khrystich explained,” I was plagued by the notion that something was missing from my life, and I’d never know true happiness until I found what it was.” It was only recently, after some sessions with a therapist, that Khrystich began to suspect that the source of his unhappiness: his own name.

“We have a large Italian community here,” he continued, “and when I’d see some of those names- Aiello, Napolitano, Esposito- I would feel a strange sense of unease, as though they were members of a fraternity that would never accept the likes of me.” But Khrystich credits Dr. Shlomo Mendelbaum, his psychologist, with helping him unlock the mystery. “Now I know that it is my deep-rooted envy of their melodious, vowel-enriched names that has made me unhappy all these years.”

“Ziggy, as I like to call him,” explains Dr. Mendelbaum, “has harbored such deep resentment all these years toward these people, despite their outward kindness and acceptance of him in the community as one of their own.” Even his wife, Elena, by all accounts a devoted wife and loving mother, has stirred his sense of unrest. “She has more vowels in her name than consonants,” Dr. Mendelbaum explained. “It’s almost unfair.”

Further complicating the matter is the fact that Khrystich’s parents, Thaddeusz and Ludzmilla, are alive and well and living nearby, and would be horrified if their beloved Zbygniew attempted to distance himself from his ancestry. “Every Christmas it’s the same- pierogies and borscht, pierogies and borscht,” Khrystich continued, becoming more animated. “Do you have any idea what that looks like when it’s all on the same plate? I’m tired of food that looks like something hacked up by a bulimic Cossack. Christ, I’d give my left nut for a lousy slice of turkey.”

But Dr. Helmut Dinckelacker, another local psychologist who once treated Khrystich, begs to differ. “I don’t think it is ze lack of vowels,” he explained in his heavily accented English, “so much as it is ze abundance of consonants zat is ze problem. I suggested to him zat perhaps he drop an ‘h’ or two from ze surname, or maybe even change ze ‘y’s’ to ‘i’s’, but he just called me an idiot and stormed out.” Dr. Dinckelacker then shook his head and sighed. “Without even paying ze bill, I might add.”

When asked for a reply to Dr. Dinckelacker’s comments, Dr. Mendelbaum was unimpressed. “Oh, please. That quack is clueless; his patients never stop calling me. In fact, I’m thinking of naming the 3,000 square foot extension I’m building on my house ‘The Dinckelacker Wing,’ with all the business I’ve gotten from him over the years.”

Khrystich, for his part, seems resigned to his fate. “Well, Dad just had a checkup, and his cholesterol’s lower than mine, so it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” he said with a sigh. “And both of Mom’s parents lived well into their nineties, so it looks like I’m stuck for now. But once they kick, you’ll be able to find me in the Yellow Pages under ‘Alopecia Areata.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

ACCORDING TO HER FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE- TAMMY COLLINS IS SO PSYCHED ABOUT CALLING IN SICK AND HITTING THE BEACH TODAY

Tammy Collins updated her Facebook status to let everyone know her plans to call in sick to work and head to the beach.




Miss Collins's history of giving out too much information on her status updates have become legendary, and have usually resulted in some sort of backlash against her.


The following are samples of some of her posts over the past year:

Jan, 1 2010 (10:07 am)- Tammy Collins can't believe I had sex with the valet parker guy at last night's New Year's Party in the back of that crappy Subaru- Hope Dan doesn't find out. LOL

This post led to the subsequent divorce of Tammy Collins from Daniel Slater, who read her status 7 minutes after she posted it. It also contributed to the firing of Enrique Vega from his job at Villa Roma catering hall, and the lawsuit filed by the Hoffmans, owners of the Subaru.


Mar, 10 2010 (1:31 pm)- Tammy Collins hates her job as hostess at The Blue Water Bistro on West Elm Street. You wouldn't believe how filthy the kitchen is. YUK !!!! OMG-They reuse food there from people who didn't finish their meals. DISGUSTING!!!

Miss Collins was promptly fired 3 hours later when she arrived at the restaurant by the manager, who was alerted of the post by one of the waitresses. An inspector from the local Board of Health made a surprise visit 2 days later, and the restaurant was closed by the end of the week.


May, 22 2010 (4:16 pm)- Tammy Collins is having a horrible time at her neighbor Tanya Moseley's BBQ. Too many black people here. I feel like I'm in a Spike Lee movie, I think I'm the only whitey LOL. I can't wait to get the heck out of here.

Tanya Moseley received an alert on her Blackberry a few minutes later and immediately threw Miss Collins out of her backyard, and hasn't spoken to her since. Tanya Moseley had been used by Miss Collins as a reference for a job interview, and, well, you can imagine how that phone conversation went.


Jun 6, 2010 (9:34 am)- Tammy Collins is so looking forward to her 10 yr H.S. reunion tonight. I hope that Christina (the bitch) Morales and Julie (the ugly slut) Fitzpatrick aren't there. GOD I HATED THEM SOOOO MUCH !!!

Christina Morales Carpenter and Julie Fitzpatrick were, in fact, in attendance at the McKinley High School Ten Year Reunion at the Summit Hotel and Conference Center. The evening did not go as planned for Miss Collins whose car needed to be towed after it was "mysteriously" given 4 flat tires and a shattered rear window. Julie ("the ugly slut") Fitzpatrick did, however, seem to have a good time that evening, leaving the reunion with Tammy Collins's date, former valet parking attendant, Enrique Vega.


Aug 17, 2010 (8:11 pm)- Tammy Collins cannot believe her cousin Sara's children are such homely and spoiled brats. Just spent the day at their house. WOW these kids are rotten little bastards!!! NO MANNERS... NO PERSONALITY... I'm sorry to say but Sara and her husband Jack aren't much better- I guess you can't blame the kids with parents like that. JK- NOT..LOL

Sara's daughter Tess read the post a few days later. Tess had "friended" her aunt Tammy a few months ago and always checked the status of her favorite aunt. Tess is now in therapy two days a week. Tammy and Sara are no longer speaking.


As of the publishing of this story Tammy Collins was happily spending a lazy day at the beach. Undoubtedly at approximately 9:01 tomorrow morning she will be looking for new employment.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)


Thursday, September 9, 2010

NY JETS COME TO TERMS WITH DARRELLE REVIS

Florham Park, NJ-   Darrelle Revis has finally ended his months long holdout and accepted a 4 year contract from the NY Jets. The star cornerback and his agent had previously turned down several prior offers from the Jets, leading some to speculate that he would hold out and not play at all this season.

Although Revis was asking for over $16 million per year, he settled for $46 million over the 4 years, with $32 million of it guaranteed, which breaks down to....well....4 into 46, 11....and carry the...oh whatever, let's just say it's a lot more than you and I make and we'll call it a day.


In a Daily Drivel exclusive, we were able to get a copy of the demands made by Revis and his agent:


I, Darrelle Shavar Revis, do make the following requests from the New York Jets:

1. $16 million per year for a minimum of 4 years ( Half of which must be guaranteed).

2. The owner of the team, Mr. Robert Wood Johnson IV, must learn to say and spell my name, and stop referring to me as, "Darryl Rivers" and "Dontrelle Willis". It would be especially helpful when I try to cash paychecks.

3. Please have  Rex Ryan wear clothes at ALL TIMES. If he needs to shower or take a soak in the hot tub, do it at home, or at least 1 hr AFTER all players, personnel, their families, and generally anyone with sight, has left the premises.

4. I need Joe Namath to stop "hawking" my ladies when I bring them around, which includes my mom, aunt and grandmother. This ain't the 1970's any more, the cat is creeping us all the hell out.

5. Please have fire marshall Bill or Ed, removed from his seat on the 50 yard line, and placed in one of the upper seats. He's way too annoying. Weird, I guess there's never any fires on Sundays?? We need to look into that.

6. Talk to Gov. Patterson about changing the name of Long Island to "Revis Island". If not, Long Island, then perhaps, Staten Island or at the very least- Randall's Island.

7. Find out once and for all if Joe Namath is wearing a wig. That is way too much hair for a man pushing 70 years old.  And I really need him to stay away from my ladies. Did I mention that?

8. I like Mark Sanchez, but see if Peyton Manning is available. Come on Mr. Johnson, use some of that baby shampoo fortune your granddaddy left you and get us a proven winner.
Joe Namath pretending to listen to Rex Ryan,
while watching a young woman adjust her top.

(The rest of the demands are unprintable in a family publication.)

With the two sides finally coming together, the team can now concentrate on the upcoming season, instead of off field distractions. The season opens Monday night Sept 13th against the Baltimore Ravens, and Darrelle Revis and the Jets should be ready for the challenge.

When asked if Revis being on the field will change the game plan for the Ravens, Linebacker Ray Lewis had this to say:

"Helllll Nooooo. No excuses now when we whip their asses. They have all their players, good for them, they're gonna need them. Revis and Buttheads. I like that, it has a nice ring. Almost as nice as my Superbowl ring. Game on son."


The signing of Revis insures the Jets of having the premier cornerback in the league locked up for the next 4 years. Will he and the Jets live up to all the hype? Only time will tell. The first test is Monday night.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

DOG NEEDS THERAPY AFTER WATCHING OWNERS HAVE SEX


Mobile, AL-  "Rufus" the pooch will not get out from under the Gobinski's bed. He is too upset. He has seen and heard too much.

In a bizarre case of extreme animal cruelty, Buddy and Dot Gobinski have been fornicating in front of their black labrador retreiver, Rufus.

Poor Rufus has witnessed this horrible display one time too many, and now the poor dog refuses to move from under the bed. He has been under there 4 days and counting.

"The traumatized dog has witnessed something that more than likely has scarred him for life. He may not ever be the same again," said animal psychiatrist Dr. Dan Fortuna," it may take months or even years of therapy to make this poor animal right."

The Gobinskis have been married 12 years and still have sex at least once a day, unlike most other married couples who have been married for that length of time. Their love making rituals often involve "role playing" and sometimes things get quite bizarre.

"Buddy and I are a couple of free spirits, we enjoy sex and like to play games to, you know, spice it up a little. We are not afraid to openly show our affection for one another. Rufus never minded before. He's 6 years old now, his puppy days are a distant memory. I'm surprised at his reaction to our love making, he's seen it all before," said Dot Gobinski.

The final straw for poor Rufus may have been the latest bit of role playing done by the Gobinskis. They played "the hungry baker and the glazed doughnut" and poor Rufus apparently had seen enough, and hid under the bed where he still remains.

"That poor animal. After what he's seen I'm surprised he didn't try to impale himself on a sharp implement and commit hari kari. More power to the Gobinskis for enjoying a healthy sexual relationship, but let's face it, Angelina and Brad they are not. We have our work cut out for us trying to get Rufus back to normal.  The first step is getting him out from under that bed, he won't budge," said Dr. Fortuna.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

PATIENT HORRIFIED TO LEARN SURGEON IS SAME GUY WHO USED TO CHEAT OFF HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY CLASS

Portland, OR-  Nathan Pitts had a terrible day. He woke up late for work, brushed with his son's toothbrush by mistake, sliced part of his ear lobe while shaving and bit into an apple that was rotten in the middle. All this before 8 am. Little did he know that this would be the best part of his day.

Nathan Pitts, while checking his Blackberry for messages between sales calls, crashed his Toyota Prius into a truck as he carelessly merged onto the expressway. The next thing he remembers is waking up on a gurney in the hospital, and looking into a vaguely familiar face.

"I wasn't sure what happened or where I was exactly. The man in the white doctor's coat standing over me looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. Until he spoke, and then memories from over 25 years ago came flooding back in," said Pitts, "it was the voice of the boy that used to ask me to drop my shoulder so he could copy my answers on the Biology tests in high school. I almost blacked out again when I found out that he was the surgeon who was about to operate on me."

Pitts's memory did not betray him. Dr. Terrence Ferguson was indeed the same boy who used to cheat off of him in high school, and whose nickname back then was "Roach Clip".

"I was distracted in high school, as most of us are. Girls, music, sports, and yes the occasional joint. That was high school. That's what you did. I took some time off after high school, traveled and sorted my life out. I eventually went to college and then went to the island of Grenada and got my medical degree at St. George's University School of Medicine. It's all legit. Don't worry," said Dr. Ferguson.

Pitts's accident left him with various injuries including: several cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen and a punctured lung, which required emergency surgery. Dr. Ferguson performed the surgery, and proclaimed the operation  a success.

"Piece of cake. I could have done that one with one hand and my eyes closed, and as a matter of fact, I think I did. Late night of partying last night," Said the doctor as he winked at the recovering patient, "just kidding old pal. Now we're even Pittsy. I couldn't have gotten through that boring Biology class without your help."

Pitts is recovering nicely, but still has a nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong.

"They tell me to relax and say everything is fine, that I'll be as good as new very soon. How can I possibly relax? I was just operated on by "Roach Clip"! The guy was as dumb as a rock. He couldn't even dissect a damn frog, and this is the same guy that just had his smelly brown fingernails inside my body.  Oh God, I swear to you he screwed this up somehow! He probably left a scalpel or some sponges or something inside of me. Or worse yet, he removed something that he wasn't supposed to. I need to increase my life insurance policy immediately."

DD ( Betty Diddit reporting)

POPCORN WITH "POP" KAHN


Hello again my fellow movie lovers. This week we are going to move from the theaters to the living room. The release of Jennifer Lopez's movie, "The Back Up Plan" on DVD got me to thinking (which is usually a dangerous endeavor). While Miss Lopez is certainly easy on the eyes (I could pitch a tent and live on that rump quite happily for quite some time), her acting and subsequent movie choices are generally abysmal. The "Back Up Plan" is no exception. Pure unadulterated crap.
I started thinking about "cross-over" stars, like the aforementioned Miss Lopez, and wondered who is the most talented and successful, if any, of any of these sort of people.

Let's start with singers who have attempted to become actors.
Now, I may be mistaken, because I don't really like to do all the boring research, but I think J Lo (that's her aka on the streets or so I hear) started off as a dancer, a "Fly Girl" I believe they were called on the show "In Living Color". I could be mistaken, but truthfully, I don't care. So, I'll tell you what we'll come back to her in a bit. We'll continue, unless you have something better to do.
I didn't think so.

The latest crop of "cross overs" (singers to actors) is becoming very crowded. Singers such as: Justin Timberlake, Miley Cirus, Britney Spears, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, have all made their jump to the big screen. Of this new crop, we'll have to go with Jennifer Hudson, since she won an Academy Award (1 of only a very few "cross overs" to achieve this distinction. We'll get to the rest in due course, keep your shirt on). My personal favorite, however, is Beyonce.  I could watch her lounging around the pool in a bikini and become quite captivated, which is exactly what I've done. Investing in a powerful telescope is the best gift I've ever given to myself.

Let's move on. For the record, I don't accept Rap music as singing. As a matter of fact I don't even accept it as music. I call Rap- Retards Attempting Poetry. My wife hates when I say that, she calls me close minded. I really don't care, I'm old and I say whatever the hell I want. That's one of the benefits of being old. Now, even though I have zero tolerance for (c)rap , I'll allow it as music only for the benefit of this article. I have to, it seems every rapper eventually segues into acting. I don't know why this is, it just is. Who the hell knows?
It must be some unwritten rule that regular shmoes like you and I aren't privy to. You rap then you act.

The list is endless and most of these "singers" aren't worth spit as "actors" so I'll whittle the list down to a few of the ones that I think are worthy of mention. I believe the grandaddy of all these rappers turned actors is LL Cool J. I've seen worse, I'm calling you out DMX (figuratively of course, don't come looking for me to put a cap in my ass, or whatever the hell they say). Alright, let me list a few of these ridiculous "names" with the creative spellings, and I'll tell you who I think is the best.  P- Diddy, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Eminem, Mos Def, Snoop Dog, Common. Of these, I'll go with Mos Def, he's not bad, but the best of the rappers turned actors comes down to just 3 names. Queen Latifah, Marky Mark and the one and only Fresh Prince, Will Smith. Mr. Smith is the clear cut winner in this category. I can't believe he was actually once a rapper, he probably can't either. Thank God he moved on.

Now, let's go "old school" and go back to the beginning. It all started with one man, The King, Elvis Presley. He jumped into acting back in the 1950's and cranked out one clunker after another through the 1960's. I'm sorry, but as an actor Elvis was awful. He had a screen presence, I'll give him that, but his acting and movies stink. Save your letters, ok, because I don't read them anyway.

On this list of old timers, along with Elvis are the following:  Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. Let's add some ladies to the list: Barbara Steisand, Bette Midler, Cher and oh what the hell, Madonna. This is a powerful list, and while I'm sure most of you would go with Ol' Blue Eyes (Sinatra), I'm going with Cher. Once again, save your lousy letters, I'll use them to line my bird cage if you send them, no offense. Sinatra did win an Academy Award for his acting, but in my humble opinion, Cher has more range as an actor/actress, and she also has a much better body. Now, listen, Streisand is probably the most talented, because she is a competent director as well, but I can't stand her holier than thou persona. So that's that. Cher wins this round.

Alright, let's throw one final cross-over list into the mix, containing athletes and dancers. This list is pretty thin, as not many have made the successful transition. The most famous is former body-builder Arnold Schwarzenegger (or however the hell you spell that mess of letters). He would definitely be the most successful, and he's been in  a few good movies (Terminator, T2, True Lies) and plenty of bad ones. The rest of the list goes like this: Jim Brown (football), OJ Simpson (murderer, oops sorry- football), Chuck Norris (karate),  Bruce Lee (martial arts), Carl Weathers (football), Bob Uecker (baseball), Mikhail Baryshnikov - I have no idea if I came close to spelling that right, nor do I care (ballet dancer), Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (wrestling) and let's end where we began with the ample buttocks of Jennifer Lopez (Dancer). Let's face it, the acting on this list is pretty lame. We have to go with J Lo on this one, although maybe I'm going senile, but The Rock has shown some potential (if he can stop making kid friendly garbage that even kids hate).

I love lists, so here is my Top 10 all-time "cross-over" actors:

1. Will Smith (2 time Best Actor nominee- Ali  and The Pursuit of Happyness)
2. Cher (Best Actress Academy Award for- Moonstruck)
3. Frank Sinatra (Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for- From Here To Eternity)
4. Barbara Streisand (Best Actress Academy Award- Funnygirl)
5. Beyonce (No acting nominations, yet, but in a word, delicious)
6. Jennifer Hudson (Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for- Dreamgirls)
7. Queen Latifah (Best Supporting Actress nominee- Chicago)
8. Mark Wahlberg (Best Supporting Actor nominee- The Departed)
9. Jennifer Lopez (Golden Globe nominee  Best Actress- Selena)
10. who cares ?? It sure ain't Hulk Hogan...  I've grown bored with this, and I'm sure you have too

Until next time, don't choke on any kernels......I'm Pop Kahn

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ravings of a Madman: (or Brief Anecdotes by a Guy Who Knows How You Should Be Living Your Life a Whole Lot Better Than You Do)


A New Daily Drivel Column

By Paco Quintana


Brief Bio:

I am a middle-aged elementary school teacher who lives in Queens, New York. That’s all you need to know about me. Why? Because this column is not about me, it’s about you, the general public; a thorn in my side since 1967!!

I Don’t Like Old People


O.K., before you write me off as a horrible, insensitive person, do me a favor. On any given week day (when most productive people in this country are working), get in your car and drive to your local supermarket. When you are stopped at an intersection about a block from your destination you may begin to wonder why, even though the light has changed from red to green, you are still not moving. Now, look directly in front of you at said intersection. You will see a little, old person (usually a woman, but we’ll get to that later) pushing a shopping cart across the street. This doesn’t sound like any great offense, except for the fact that she started across when the walk symbol was almost expired. Now, after you have been stopped at this intersection for twenty-five minutes you begin to think that you will be moving fairly soon. Keep on dreaming! A tiny piece of paper has fallen out of Ethel’s cart. Oblivious to the fact that she is now directly in front of an 18- wheeler, Mabel abandons her cart to pursue what turns out to be a coupon for 7 cents off Colgate toothpaste. Even though Blanche hasn’t had teeth since the Reagan administration, she pursues this coupon with reckless abandon. Since this coupon is now stuck behind your front tire, Agnes bangs her decrepit hand on your newly washed hood and indignantly motions for you to back up so that she can get her precious document (which by the way expired in May/06). Finally, Matilda retrieves her precious coupon, spits on the hood of your car, gives you the evil eye, and finishes her exodus across the street. You are now free to begin the next phase of your geriatric adventure only slightly older than Harriet was when she began her merry jaunt across the boulevard.

 As you enter the parking lot you discover an obstacle course of oldies (my cute little name for these vile, misanthropic creatures). Even though these ancient malcontents are only half the size they once were, their automobiles of choice are always twice as big as the vehicles the rest of us (whom I’ll deem society’s productive citizenry) drive. If you’re familiar with the 1972 Pontiac Bonneville, you’ll note that the hood of this automobile is slightly longer than the field of the new Meadowlands Stadium. When a 4 foot 5 inch oldie with smudge filled bifocals attempts to drive this monstrosity the result is disastrous; disastrous for us, since these odorous villains are obviously immune to injury or death.

Somehow you manage to park your vehicle and make your way into the store. Once inside you breath a sigh of relief, there are at least as many productive people in there as there are oldies. In a street brawl you may come out on top; however you suddenly remember how dirty these prehistoric cretins can fight. You don’t want to go home with a set of dentures hanging from your… well you get the picture.

After several altercations with these cantankerous, old fossils, who never get out of your way and will wrestle you to the ground for that one semi-ripe avocado, you finally make it to the checkout line and…. (Now, don’t b.s. me…..we’ve all been there, so take that stupid look off your face and start being honest with yourself; one old broad + 76 expired coupons + you = the fiery pits of Hades!!!!)

I think I’ve made my point. Now let’s get some things straight. I am a firm believer in the fact that people don’t change. That nasty, nefarious, closed minded, old bat was just as nasty, nefarious, and closed minded when she was twenty. So, what happened to all the nice people, didn’t they get old too? Well, here’s the answer to that question; no, they’re all @#$#%^ dead!!!!!!! That idiot with the big nose from Oyster Bay, Long Island got it right, “Only the good die young”.

What’s that? Some of you may be thinking, “Hey Quintana, what about the old men, you only ranted about the women?” Well to that I’ll just kindly ask you to open your eyes and look around. Do you see any old guys? Did you know you grandfather, or was he around by the time you turned ten? The answer to both of those questions is no. Why? Because there are no old men!!!! They just don’t exist. They’re basically the stuff of legends and fairy tales.

I know what you’re thinking, “Quintana, you’re horrible!!!” Well, maybe I am…in fact maybe I’m so bad that I will one day be the world’s first and only old man. But somehow I doubt it. With all those old battleaxes in front of me on the checkout line, I’ll never make it.
Quintana out!

Friday, August 13, 2010

"THIS DAY IN HISTORY"- WITH PROFESSOR LARS VON STREUDEL

On this day in history, in the year 1957, weak swimmer Jason Voorhees drowned in murky Crystal Lake.  His untimely demise was blamed on 2 horny camp counselors attempting to do the horizontal hokey pokey, instead of checking on the whereabouts of young Jason Voorhees. This may or may not be true.

The bigger question was, and is, why was the boy such a terrible swimmer? Was this not a summer camp called, "Camp Crystal Lake"? Shouldn't someone going to a camp, whose very name mentions a large body of water, have some sort of swimming skills? Where was his buddy?  Why was he alone? We all know the rules of summer camps. Everyone has a swimming buddy for this exact reason, so that you don't go drowning in the lake.

Somehow, someway, Jason Voorhees thought a night swim was a great idea, while possessing absolutely no swimming skills, on Friday the 13th of all days. Now the Voorhees family will never be confused with Rhodes scholars, that I can assure you, but this idea was dumb, even for a Voorhees.

Did Jason Voorhees drown in the lake or not? We don't know. His young body was never found.
What we do know is 22 years later, on Friday the 13th, camp counselors at the newly renovated and re-opened  "Camp Crystal Lake" were butchered by a very angry gentleman wearing a hockey mask and carrying a very large machete. Is this the work of that same lousy childhood swimmer? Perhaps. I don't think there were too many people seeking revenge on counselors at "Camp Crystal Lake" except for those who died in their care. That is a short list. A very short list containing one name, and that name is not Michael Phelps. 

This has been- "This Day in History" I am Prof. Lars Von Streudel

Thursday, August 12, 2010

K-ROD INTENTIONALLY HITS FATHER-IN-LAW

New York-  Mets relief pitcher Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez has given up a lot of crucial hits this year, but none quite as big as the hits he gave to his father-in-law last night.

According to eyewitnesses, the father-in-law made a funny comment about K-Rod's weight, and the Mets closer started throwing punches at the older gentleman.

"The father-in-law was just trying to be funny, pointing at his [K-Rod's] stomach and asking how many months along he was. K-Rod can be a bit of a baby and started yelling curses in Spanish and began hitting the old guy. He's used to giving up a lot of hits, but these hits were certainly not earned," said the unidentified clubhouse source.

K-Rod was taken into custody in Queens and charged with Third Degree Assault, which is a misdemeanor. The father-in-law, meanwhile, was taken to the hospital suffering from a bump on the head and scrapes to his face and scalp.
The final line on K-Rod's night: 1 walk (in handcuffs), 2 hits, and No balls.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

MAN MAKES HIS OWN DINNER

Flint, MI-   Howard Ketcham came home from work last night, changed his clothes, washed his hands, and sat down at the dinner table. After several minutes, a mild panic took over Ketcham's usually calm demeanor, as he realized his wife wasn't home, and there was no dinner waiting for him.

Ketcham sat there for quite some time, waiting hopefully for his wife to come home and serve him his long awaited meal. A few minutes turned into a few hours, and finally with hunger pains driving him forward, Ketcham entered into unchartered territory, the kitchen.

He fumbled around pulling out all the food he could find in the fridge and  pantry, and stared at the stove for 15 minutes before attempting to turn on the burner.

Howard Ketcham had never cooked a meal in his 54 years, and in fact, had only been in his kitchen twice before. Once the day they moved into the house and the other time by accident, looking for the bathroom. 

"I'm not much for the kitchen," said Ketcham," I leave that stuff to Marge [Ketcham's wife]. I'm old fashioned, you know, I do the outdoor stuff and she does the indoor stuff. That's how my parents did it, and that's how we're doing it. It's worked very well, until now, that is."

Ketcham made a valiant attempt to cook his first meal, and while the fruits of his labor were not aesthetically pleasing, the result served its purpose- a man was fed. The kitchen was destroyed in the process, and may never be the same again, but Howard Ketcham is pleased with his efforts.

"Listen, I'm not gonna quit my day job any time soon to become a short-order cook, but I made a meal damn it. I'm proud of that. It wasn't pretty, and it tasted like shit, but I made it with my own two hands. That's more than my father could've said for himself."


DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

LOCAL IDIOT REFUSES TO POSE FOR DECENT PICTURE

Local idiot, Horace R. Finkle, ruined another celebration this weekend. Wanda Niedermeyer's retirement party was supposed to be a happy occasion, surrounded by family, friends and co-workers. The local VFW hall was packed with guests, who came to help Niedermeyer celebrate her retirement. A photographer was hired to document the events, unfortunately, Horace R. Finkle was up to his old tricks and over half the pictures have to be thrown out.


"That idiot ruins everything," said Niedermeyer's husband Drake," he wasn't even invited, and yet he's in almost every photo. Wanda is so upset, the memory book I bought for the party will only have a handful of nice pictures. I hate that jerk!"

Finkle, it seems, refuses to pose normally for a picture, and is usually making a weird face or doing something extremely stupid, ruining the moment.  His antics have been going on for quite some time, and most of the local residents are fed up with him.

Finkle's refusal to take normal pictures is up for speculation, and Dr. George Levas, a renowned authority on psychological behavior, was consulted regarding this matter. The following is a small portion of the 3 hour response given by Dr. Levas:

"Believe it or not, alcohol only plays a small part in this type of behavior. Yes, it can pronounce and magnify an already existing problem, but this is a classic case of self loathing and an utter contempt for the rules of modern society. Someone like this is uncomfortable in his own skin and, in turn, tries to make those around him uncomfortable as well. This man was probably born with this disorder, and nothing short of a frontal lobotomy will cure him. Extreme? Perhaps. Necessary? Most definitely."


Edna Finkle, Horace's mother, confirms Dr. Levas's theory that he was born with this annoying trait.

"This is nothing new, he's been doing this crap his whole life," said Edna Finkle, "He's been weird since birth, he was even making ridiculous faces in pictures as a newborn. He ruined all the class pictures grades K through 11, and his high school graduation picture was so stupid they refused to use it in the yearbook. Just a blank spot with his name next to it. What a complete idiot. He needs help."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

YOGI BERRA RELIEVED THAT RALPH HOUK DIED

New York-  Yogi Berra slept like a baby last night when news reached him that former Yankees manager Ralph Houk died earlier in the day. Houk, who was 90, died quietly and peacefully in Florida after a brief illness according to family members.

"What a relief," said Berra, "I really thought either me or Whitey [Ford] was gonna be number three, but it turned out to be Houk. I don't mean to belittle his passing, not at all, Houk was a good guy and  a good baseball man, I'm gonna miss him."

The theory that death comes in threes seems to be valid after the passing of 99 year old Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard, 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, and now 90 year old former Yankees manager Ralph Houk. All in a little over a week of each other.

"I was feeling the pressure, I really was. I've been a mess for the past week or so. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. I fell on my face a few days ago and busted up my nose pretty good and had to be rushed to the hospital. I thought that was it. Whitey even sent me a card, thinking that I was next. I missed the Old Timer's Game at the stadium, and I'm sure most of you thought I was next too. Not so fast," said Berra.

Ralph Houk, who had 2 stints as manager of the Yankees from 1961-1974, led the team to back-to-back World Series championships in 1961 and 1962. He was known to have a combustible personality and his hot temper clashed immediately with  Steinbrenner, who bought the team in 1973. Houk resigned in 1974, and even though he won 2 championships, his association with the Yankees and his legacy have been diminished over the years because he helmed the team during the winless and lackluster years of 1964-1973.

"I almost forgot about Houk when I was trying to think of who might be next. How could I forget old Houk? Well, hopefully, the grim reaper's quota is full for awhile. I plan on being around for a bit, especially to see [Derek] Jeter get hitched, and to win my bet with [Alex] Rodriguez.
 As a catcher, I took my fair share of balls off the face. At least I was wearing a mask at the time. He's gonna wish he was in Houk's place when I win. He's seen balls up close traveling at 85 plenty of times, but he's never seen them up close that have been traveling for 85 years."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

REPEATED VIEWINGS OF ‘JERSEY SHORE’ SAID TO BE OF GREAT COMFORT DURING PATIENTS’ FINAL DAYS

Practioners of palliative care, better known as hospice or “end-of-life” care, have stumbled upon a remarkable discovery. It seems that many terminally ill patients are finding it much easier to accept their fates after watching a few episodes of MTV’s smash hit “Jersey Shore.” The show, which features six young Italian-Americans in various stages of undress sharing a house for the summer, has been hugely popular with a younger audience since it’s inception, but it now seems to have found a new, much older audience.

“You must understand,” said Dr. Daniel Mifsud, a doctor at the Edgar J. Fishbein Hospice in Secaucus, New Jersey, “that for these people, most of whom have faced a long and arduous battle with their illnesses, it is often difficult for them to accept the fact that there is little left to be done. Our goal here at hospice is to make their remaining days as comfortable as possible, both for the patients themselves and their families.”

But it was only recently that members of Dr. Mifsud’s staff noticed a strange trend. It seems that once the patients watched a couple of episodes of the hit show, they found a strange inner peace, and often died, quietly and comfortably, not long afterward. “I was watching an episode on the nurse’s station TV late one night,” explained Carol Mannion, a nurse practitioner on Dr. Mifsud’s staff, “and an older gentleman could see the TV from his room. He was a cranky old fellow, very bitter about his fate, but he immediately asked me what channel the show was on. I put it on for him, and he watched two episodes back-to-back. He died about ten minutes later, with a strange smile on his face.”

Floyd DiMarco, whose mother, Charlotte, was nearing the end of a long battle with stomach cancer and was also a patient at the Fishbein Hospice, noticed a similar phenomenon during Charlotte’s final days. “The first two months that Mom was there, she pretty much had that morphine drip going constantly,” he said. Drifting in and out of consciousness, she was largely oblivious to the presence of her son and daughter-in-law, until she overheard them discussing the show one evening. “Out of nowhere, she became more alert than she had been in months. She opened her eyes, and asked us to put MTV on.” Coincidentally, it was the July 4th holiday weekend, and the network happened to be running a “Jersey Shore” marathon. “See, Mom was a fighter. She’d been sick for years, and resisted the idea of palliative care with whatever strength she had left. But once she got a load of Snooky and ‘The Situation,’ she suddenly came to grips with her plight.” She died shortly thereafter, but not before assuring her son that she was at peace, and ready for the inevitable end. “This may sound strange,” DiMarco said, “but I think she was almost relieved. It’s certainly helped me through the grieving process to know that Mom died peacefully, if not willingly.”

The comfort provided by palliative care professionals, while undoubtedly of great value to patients and their families, is unfortunately also somewhat costly, and beyond the means of those who are either uninsured or have plans which do not provide for end-of-life care. But these findings, as pointed out by Bill Cameron, an executive with EmblemHealth of New York, the state’s largest health insurance provider, may enable some families who may not be able to afford palliative care to ease the suffering of a loved one’s final days, nonetheless. “It’s too early to say for certain,” said Cameron, “but at this point, I’d say ‘Screw Hospice.’ Just prop the old geezer in front of the TV, pop in the Season One DVD, and make sure your suits are clean, because it won’t take long.”
DD (Vic Venom reporting)

Friday, July 16, 2010

YOGI BERRA SWEATS OUT THE WEEK AFTER THE DEATHS OF BOB SHEPPARD AND GEORGE STEINBRENNER


New York-  Yankees legend Yogi Berra had trouble sleeping all week. On Monday he received the news that 99 year old Yankee announcer Bob Sheppard had passed away, only to hear 2 days later that 80 year old Yankees owner George Steinbrenner had also passed. It was sobering news for the 85 year old Berra.

"Sheppard was CLASS through and through, George was something that rhymes with class, if you remove a few letters. I was sad, but not surprised about Shep. He was almost a century old, which is like 100 years, but I was thrown for a loop when I heard about George. And only 2 days apart. That's the part that got me. They say these things come in threes, so I've had cold sweats all week long," said Berra.

Berra is now officially the oldest living person associated with the Yankees, followed by 83 year old ex- pitcher Whitey Ford.

"What's the statue on these things coming in threes? 1 week? 1 month? 3 months? I don't know, I was never any good with numbers, but I guess it's a race between me and Whitey for the third slot. Although, don't count out [Dwight] Gooden, have you seen what he looks like lately?"

Berra's limited mobility prevented him from attending Bob Sheppard's funeral and he doesn't plan on attending the memorial service for George Steinbrenner.

"I'm staying put," said Berra," I sent my symphonies to the families, telling them how sorry I am. I don't think I'll be leaving the house for awhile.  I don't wanna take any chances, I plan on sticking around for a bit. I have a secret, long standing bet with Alex [Rodriguez] that I would live to see [Derek] Jeter get married. He said I'd be pushin' up daisies long before Jeter would settle down. Well, guess what, he [Jeter] got engaged last year, so I'm almost there.
I can't wait to rub it in Alex's face, which is actually the bet. The winner gets to rub his 'you know what'  in the loser's face, which shows you how smart he [Alex] is. The bet was his idea, not mine. If he wins the bet, that'll mean that I'm dead. I really can't lose. I didn't even make it through the 8th grade, what's his excuse?
It doesn't matter, cause I'm winnin' that bet. That's what's keeping me going, the look on his [Alex's] face when he loses and realizes what's about to happen. Sorry Whitey, you're up next. Say hello to Shep and the Boss for me."

(Alex Rodriguez agreed to be interviewed for the story, but when the question was asked about the bet with Yogi Berra, he promptly hung up the phone. Read into that what you will.  Laszlo Ferrar reporting)   DD

Friday, July 9, 2010

LEBRON JAMES CHOOSES MIAMI HEAT- BREAKING THE HEARTS OF CLEVELAND, NEW YORK, CHICAGO AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY

Greenwich, CT-  After months of speculation as to which uniform Lebron James will be wearing next season, the wait is finally over. In a televised 1 hr interview on ESPN last night called, "The Decision", James announced his intention to sign with the Miami Heat alongside friends and NBA superstars Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. The 'decision' has left those outside of the Miami area upset and highly critical of James's announcement.


While fans in Miami rejoiced and celebrated after hearing the news, citizens of Ohio, most notably in Cleveland, were inconsolable. Several groups got together to have #23 jersey burning parties. Cleveland residents weren't the only ones devastated by the news, fans in cities such as New York, Chicago, New Jersey and Los Angeles also voiced their displeasure with James's choice.

"I'm so upset," yelled Elsa Oliphant, a 62 yr old florist from Queens, "I was so sure that he was coming to the Knicks that I made a floral arrangement 6' 8" tall in his image wearing a Knicks uniform. It's made entirely out of various colored carnations and took me an entire week to make. What am I supposed to do with it now?"
"He led us on," said Carlos Silva, a Chicago based tax attorney," he played a selfish game, toying with several teams, knowing full well that he was going to Miami all along. He tarnished his image with that ridiculous 'interview' last night. Jordan never did anything like that. This guy wants to be like Mike, good luck. He's not even worthy of rinsing out MJ's Hanes briefs."

The General Managers of the teams that were spurned by James have vowed to put it behind them and improve their teams by any means necessary, through free agency, trades or working to improve existing players on their rosters. One former suitor of Lebron James, however, is more deeply hurt than the rest. That suitor is former game show panelist and current contributor to The Daily Drivel, Charles Nelson Reilly. Reilly showed up at Lebron's agent's office in Cleveland last Friday and made an ambiguous offer to the confused basketball player.

"The two o'clock meeting was bizarre," said Leon Rose, James's agent," my secretary said Charles Nelson Reilly is here for you, and I thought it was strange that Charles Barkley, Don Nelson and Pat Riley were all here together. I didn't quite understand, but I told her to send them in. When the door opened and this person waltzed in wearing some sort of toga we were all in complete shock. No one moved. Lebron sat there the whole time with his mouth slightly open staring in disbelief as this person made some sort of sales pitch. I couldn't quite focus on his presentation because I was dizzy from all the perfume he was wearing. He smelled like my grandmother. I'm still not quite sure, but I think he was asking Lebron to be his house boy or something. He said something about having a big hole to fill and that Lebron was the right fit. Lebron never said a word. Just stared. The whole 'meeting' lasted ten minutes, he left his number on the desk and skipped out. Literally skipped. It was surreal."

Charles Nelson Reilly watched the Lebron James interview in his hot tub alongside pals, Rip Taylor, JM J Bullock and Paul Lynde, and was in complete shock that he wasn't picked.

"We had a connection, it was kismet when our eyes met, dontcha know. I cannot believe that he picked the Miami Heat over me.  Oh! Oh! I refuse to believe it. I have so much more to offer him than they can. This can't be right! I'm at a loss," said a befuddled Nelson Reilly. "Well I've waited this long, I guess I can wait 5 more years. In the meantime, I think I'll put my "feelers" out there and see if I can make another offer. I'm curious about this Rudy Gay. Something about his name intrigues me. Can't quite place my finger on it, but trust me, I'll get to the bottom of it. I always get to the bottom. Oh! Oh!"
DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)
*(Editor's note- Rudy Gay agreed to a 5 yr- $84 million deal with the Memphis Grizzlies last week, I don't have the nerve to tell Charles myself, maybe one of you can send him an anonymous note. Thanks, JB)