"My intellect has taken a step backward since discovering The Daily Drivel" - Albert Einstein
" When I read it I begin to hate my fellow man. I want to hit something"- Mohandas Gandhi
"A complete abomination. We all weep at its very existence"- Abraham Lincoln
"I wouldn't begin my day without it. I've learned so much." - Lindsay Lohan

Saturday, December 26, 2009

WOMAN FINDS IMAGE OF JESUS ON FISHSTICK CHRISTMAS DAY





Denver, Co- Bertha Fluppins was hungry Christmas Day and rummaged through her freezer for something to eat. She wasn't in the mood for the frozen pot pie or the pepperoni french bread pizza, but she came across a package of fish sticks covered in ice at the back of the freezer.

"I don't remember ever buying fish sticks," said Fluppins, "they must have been in there for quite some time. The box was covered in ice and was actually stuck to the back wall of the freezer. I pulled it out and tried to find some sort of expiration date on it, but I couldn't find any. The Lord works in mysterious ways, I never got a chance to eat the darn things, which is good because it probably would've killed me."

Fluppins, undeterred by her hunger, decided to fry up the ancient fish sticks and eat them for lunch. She tossed them in a frying pan, and luckily had the heat up too high, burning most of the fish sticks beyond edible form. Of the six she attempted to cook, only one was only slightly burned, and when she turned it over to cover it in ketchup, she made her amazing discovery.

"I was about to shove the whole thing in my mouth, and just before I did, I took a quick look at it. I did a double take. It was Jesus staring back at me from the bottom of the fish stick! I couldn't believe it! I licked off the ketchup, and held it up to the light, wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but no, there it was plain as day, Jesus. On his birthday of all days."

Fluppins thinks it was devine intervention and believes that Jesus actually saved her life. The expiration date on the box was faded, but was found to be April 1983.

"I think Ms. Fluppins is very lucky that she didn't ingest that toxic fish stick. I don't think she would have been around to celebrate this holiday or any future holidays if she had," said her doctor, Dean Romano," I am hesitant to think Jesus stepped in here. I am more inclined to blame Fluppins's lousy cooking abilities that actually saved her life.
She sees Jesus, and you know what, more power to her. I kind of see John Phillips from "The Mamas & the Papas". I'm not a religious man, but I guess we should all be happy that it was Jesus she saw, because if it was John Phillips it might have gotten her addicted to heroin and then molested her for the next 10 years." DD

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE FROM SANTA CLAUS




HERE WE ARE AGAIN, ONE WEEK AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS. EVERYONE IS TRIMMING THEIR TREES AND GETTING IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, WHERE DID THE TIME GO? YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT OL' SANTA HAS BEEN UP TO SINCE LAST CHRISTMAS.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU, BUT TRUTHFULLY........ IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
WHAT? WHAT DID SANTA JUST SAY? THAT'S RIGHT I'M IN A FOUL MOOD THIS YEAR.
PEOPLE ARE MISERABLE, THE ECONOMY IS STILL IN DIRE STRAIGHTS, AND MY WIFE IS FAT, I MEAN REALLY FAT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, BECAUSE HER MOM WAS A VERY, VERY LARGE WOMAN.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, WHO THE HECK IS HE TO CALL ANYONE ELSE FAT. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, I AM FAT, BUT GUESS WHAT, I'M FREAKIN' SANTA CLAUS!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FAT, THAT'S MY THING, IT'S WHAT THE JOB CALLS FOR, AND BY THE WAY, I WAS FAT WHEN I MET HER. SHE WASN'T. FAR FROM IT AS A MATTER OF FACT. SHE WAS LEAN AND TRIM. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
WHATEVER, LET'S MOVE ON.

YOU MAY BE A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THIS YEAR IN WHAT YOU FIND UNDER YOUR TREE. WE'VE ALSO FELT THE FINANCIAL STING OF A DOWN ECONOMY AND BEEN FORCED TO "TIGHTEN OUR BELTS" AND CUT CORNERS.

THE Wii FIT THAT YOU ASKED FOR IS BEING REPLACED WITH A JUMP ROPE. YOU WANT AN INTERACTIVE GAME, WELL HERE YOU GO. START JUMPING.

THE iPOD YOU'RE EXPECTING WILL NOT BE APPEARING IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WILL? A PLASTIC KAZOO AND A TAMBOURINE.
GO TO TOWN. MAKE AS MUCH MUSIC AS YOU WANT.

DON'T LOOK TOO HARD FOR THAT KINDLE UNDER THE TREE, BECAUSE YOU MAY NOT FIND IT. BUT I HAVE A FEELING YOU'LL COME ACROSS YOUR OLD LIBRARY CARD THAT I HAD RE-LAMINATED AND WRAPPED UP SPECIAL FOR YOU. READ AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!! WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU WANT!!

THE KIDS MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY CONFUSED WITH THEIR PRESENTS CHRISTMAS MORNING AS WELL.
WE DECORATED A BUNCH OF OLD SOCKS WITH FACES AND MADE SOME DARN TERRIFIC HAND PUPPETS FOR THEM! (SOME OF THE SOCKS EVEN GOT WASHED AFTER WE USED THEM.)
WE ALSO MADE REALLY CUTE CATERPILLARS OUT OF EGG CARTONS AND PIPE CLEANERS THAT THE KIDS ARE GONNA GO CRAZY FOR.

WE'RE GETTING BACK TO BASICS THIS YEAR.
WE'RE STARTING OVER.
REMEMBER IT'S FAR BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE ANYWAY, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IN TIMES LIKE THESE, BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND BE GLAD THAT YOU'RE NOT HO-HO- HOMELESS.

REMEMBER, I'LL BE WATCHING......

Thursday, December 10, 2009

THE ONLY WOMAN TO SAY NO TO TIGER COMES FORTH













Not every woman that Tiger Woods meets jumps into bed with him. Meet Hortense MacTavish, a woman who simply said "No".
As the list of women who had affairs with married professional golfer Eldrick "Tiger" Woods grows longer by the day, it is refreshing to hear of a woman who was not impressed with one of the richest and most famous men in the world.
Ms. MacTavish, a waitress at a pub in Turnberry, Scotland, was insulted and rather enraged that the golfer would even think he had a chance with her.

"I'm not that easy sweetheart, I told him. He offered me a lot of money to come back to his hotel. I said, 'who the hell do you think you're talkin' too?' I mean really, do women really fall for that crap? I can do so much better than that bloke. What a little baby he was, I don't think he's used to being turned down. He had a break down right at the table for Lord's sake," said MacTavish.

Woods met Ms.MacTavish back in July in between rounds while playing in the British Open and immediately tried to seduce her.

"He ordered a cobb salad with dressing on the side, and before I could ask him if he'd like something to drink he's already puttin' the moves on me like I'm some slutty little tart. The nerve of him! I'm a respectable woman, I don't go for those types of shenanigans. Besides, he's not my type, he reminds me of Bugs Bunny, weak chin and big teeth."

Woods was not used to rejection and went back to have one of the worst rounds of golf he had ever played, and ultimately missed the cut for only the second time in his career. Whether or not these two events are related is pure speculation, but there may be something to the notion that Tiger needs sex before he plays.

"Every golfer on the tour has a routine that he adheres to before playing a round. John Daly eats a triple cheeseburger and washes it down with 3 shots of Jim Beam. Phil Mickelson watches old Marx Brothers movies to loosen up. Sergio Garcia brushes his teeth for an hour, usually until his gums bleed. Every golfer has something, a ritual if you will, that's done before he heads out to the clubhouse.
Tiger's has always been rampant sex with loose women. He doesn't consider it cheating on his wife, but instead, staying faithful to his golf game. It's just his ritual, that's all. We've seen the devastating effects when he doesn't get his groove on. For all fans out there, including myself, let's hope there aren't any more women like Ms. MacTavish who would put their own selfish behavior in front of millions of adoring Tiger fans who are expecting to watch a great round of golf," said an anonymous PGA official, "ladies, please, give it up, for the good of the game."

Monday, November 30, 2009

GPS DEVICE RUINS THE LIFE OF LOCAL SALESMAN














The addition of a Global Positioning System(GPS) device to one's vehicle is supposed to make driving easier, erasing human error and creating a stress free experience. Hal Evans expected such an experience when he purchased his GPS device two months ago, what he got however was anything but stress free.

"The first few days were a pleasure, an absolute pleasure. I do a lot of driving and not having to fumble with maps and directions was fantastic. The turn by turn directions spoken with a clear professional voice were perfect. Driving was a dream. Unfortunately the good times lasted less than a week. That's when the device slowly started to make my life miserable," proclaimed a dejected Evans.

According to Evans, after a few days of driving the voice started to change, saying things with an edgier, almost angry tone, tinged with sarcasm. Evans thought he was imagining it at first, until the voice blurted out some choice insults regarding his driving skills.

"I was cruising along listening to the radio, singing along to one of my favorite songs, 'Come on Eileen' by Dexy's Midnight Runners, and I missed the turn that I was supposed to make. No big deal, right? Wrong! I guess the device wasn't prepared for someone to disobey its orders and its tone suddenly changed. The volume got louder and it yelled 'Left turn! Left turn! Stupid idiot, you missed the freakin' left turn!' I laughed at first thinking it was a pretty funny built in gimmick, but I quickly realized it wasn't.

Evans's daily road trips became battles of will between the two combatants, as the GPS insulted his personal appearance (usually a pot shot about his thinning hair) or his inability to find or keep a girlfriend.

"I thought I had pretty thick skin when it came to personal insults, but this thing was ruthless and incredibly cruel. I can't even repeat some of the hurtful things it said about me. The final insult was when it got me arrested and I lost my job. That was truly the end of my hellish ordeal with this demonic device."

Evans was arrested in a section of downtown Detroit for soliciting a prostitute and subsequently lost his job as a pharmaceutical salesman. He claims the GPS purposely got him lost in a neighborhood known primarily for illegal drug sales and prostitution. The judge was not amused at Evans's excuse and subsequent blame of his GPS device and made an example of him, giving him six months of probation with a fine of $500, impounding his vehicle, and allowing his name and address to appear in numerous newspapers.

"I told the truth and no one believed me. That thing brought me to the worst possible neighborhood, I had no clue where I was. I pulled over to ask this woman for directions, and she turned out to be an undercover cop posing as a hooker. Before I could even ask her for directions, the GPS started blurting out things like, 'How much for a dirty sanchez?' and 'Get in the car, I want to pay you for sex'. Dirty sanchez? I don't even know what that means. The next thing I knew I was under arrest. What a nightmare. I made the mistake of telling it that I was getting rid of it. It got me first. It laughed at me as I was put in handcuffs. I'll never forget that evil laugh as long as I live." DD

Thursday, November 26, 2009

MAN EMBARRASSES FAMILY WITH HIS LAME THANKSGIVING SIDE DISHES







Walter Haynes will not be asked to bring his side dishes to next year's Thanksgiving feast, or any other gathering for that matter. Haynes, who had never cooked before yesterday, decided to take on the monumental task of providing the accompaniments to this year's turkey at his neighbor's house.

"We extend the invitation to several neighbors every year who have family out of state and would normally spend the day alone. We may have to rethink that plan after this year's debacle," said Dennis McGuire.

Haynes was extremely excited by the invitation and wanted to pitch in and help with the festivities.

"He called Monday and said he really wanted to help and bring something. I suggested some wine or perhaps an apple pie, but he demanded to make all the side dishes. I tried to talk Walter out of it, but he was very adamant about it. I assumed that he had made these dishes before. I found out after sampling them that he had never cooked a dish in his life," said a disgusted Debbie McGuire.

Without a recipe or a plan Haynes went to the supermarket late Wednesday night, wandering up and down the aisles, picking random items and tossing them in his cart.

"I was watching this guy, and I could tell he didn't have a clue," said stockboy Jason "Dutch" Winters, "I figured his wife sent him and he forgot his list, because he was just wandering around for about an hour scratching his head and mumbling to himself. He put back as many items as he picked up. Poor guy, totally clueless."

Haynes destroyed his family's kitchen while creating the three side dishes which were ultimately brought to the McGuire's Thanksgiving dinner. The dishes consisted of: canned and burned brussel sprouts over a layer of unseasoned mashed turnips, a loaf of unsweetened cranberry sprinkled with an unknown cheese, and some sort of pulverized eggplant and uncooked rice dish that may or may not have contained spam.

"The side dishes were a disgrace," said enraged neighbor Vic Tuttle, " I wouldn't feed a pig that slop. Several neighbors got sick. My wife threw up that eggplant mess all over the McGuire's new rug. It was terrible. Terrible. Haynes is a menace! He single handedly ruined Thanksgiving for everyone."

Walter Hayne's wife Gladys and their two daughters, are so embarrassed that they are contemplating moving out of the area.

"We can't show our faces in public after this," sobbed Gladys Haynes, "Walter has embarrassed us yet again. He gets something in that thick skull of his and there's nothing that gets through. We were just recovering from his awful rendition of the National Anthem over the summer at our daughter's softball game when he told everyone he could sing. Now this. The girls and I can't go out in public. I think we'll move in with my parents for awhile and let things cool down."

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

MOVIE REVIEW OF TWILIGHT: NEW MOON BY DRACULA AND THE WOLFMAN
















DRACULA- Wolfman, let me ask you, has a woman ever been torn between us?

WOLFMAN- Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhh

DRACULA- I don't actually mean physically torn, because you're right Wolfie, that's been done. No, no, my dear hairy friend, I meant in love with both of us at the same time. Do you recall that ever happening?

WOLFMAN- OWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- No, me neither.

WOLFMAN- GGGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- Wait, you're right, there was that rather homely gypsy woman back in the 18th century, although I'm not fully convinced that that was a woman. Abnormally large hands and feet, and I could have sworn I bit into an Adam's apple. Blagh, she tasted worse than she looked. Were there any others?

WOLFMAN- SNNNARRRRRRLLLLLL

DRACULA- No, no that one liked you, I couldn't get past first bite with that one, she did not find me charming in the least.

WOLFMAN- RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH

DRACULA- Kind of you to say, but no, no, I guess I just wasn't her type. She only had eyes for you, that one.

WOLFMAN- HOWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- I'm bringing up "all that old sordid business" as you say because of that movie we just saw, 'New Moon'. I found it extremely unbelievable that's why. Have you ever in all your days seen vampires and werewolves that looked like that?
Do they look realistic to you? Because I couldn't believe what I was watching. I had to supress my laughter because initially I thought it was a comedy.

WOLFMAN- GRRRRRAGGHHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- You did too. Oh good, so it wasn't just me. Whew, I feel better. I was lost halfway through and decided to drain the blood from the teenage girl sitting next to me. Thankfully most of the teenage girls in the theater were shrieking, no one seemed to notice.

WOLFMAN- AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

DRACULA- Well excuse me, I get thirsty during these movies. What do you want from me? You're one to talk, you've been leaving your messes around for centuries.

WOLFMAN- OOOWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- Apology accepted.

WOLFMAN- GGGGGRRRRRROWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL

DRACULA- I agree, these types of movies are not for us. I'm with you Wolfie, I will not waste my time on the them anymore. Hungry? Me too. Let's treat ourselves tonight and split a pair of twins.

WOLFMAN- OWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO

DRACULA- Triplets you say. HA HA, you are hungry. Alright old friend after you.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

INDONESIAN FAMILIES ANGERED AFTER RECEIVING DONATED SHIRTS DECLARING PHILLIES AS WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS





Major League Baseball (MLB) and the charity World Vision are in the doghouse with some Indonesian families who suffered through a massive earthquake in September.
MLB donates "unsalable" merchandise from losing teams to the charity World Vision, which distributes it to needy people throughout the world.
The items consist of mostly t-shirts which were pre-printed in the event a certain team won the World Series so that winning team players can wear them immediately after the game.
Thousands of shirts are pre-printed for both teams declaring each the World Series Champion, and are shipped to sporting goods stores for sale the very next morning (sometimes at midnight the night of the win)for the clamoring fans.

"This is common practice in all professional sports and has been going on for decades. Time is of the essence. You can't wait for the series to be over, and then place an order with the name of the winning team, it could take several days. The moment would be over and only die-hard fans would make a purchase. We'd wind up losing money," said MLB representative Gary Dryden," The downside is we have thousands of items which can't be sold, in this case shirts, hats, etc declaring the Phillies as 2009 World Series Champions. Instead of burning these items, we donate them to the needy, putting clothes on their backs, and giving us a pretty sweet tax right off. A win-win for everybody."

The concept seems like a no-brainer, but some of the recipients of these shirts and hats are not as thrilled as one would have imagined.

"Where the f*#% am I going to wear this shirt?" said earthquake survivor Vuthypong Therawat, "I lost my home to an eartquake, but I'm not a complete loser. I know the Yankees won the World Series, not the lame Phillies. Everyone knows. Cole Hamels quit on his team and Ryan Howard couldn't buy a big hit. I'm expected to wear a shirt that says that they are the champs, what kind of jackass do you think I am?"

"I am truly surprised by this reaction. I thought that they would be thrilled to be receiving clothing after their devastating loss. What's printed on the shirts should be the least of their concerns. They are living in squalor right now wondering where their next meal is coming from, and they're annoyed what a FREE shirt has printed on the front! Ingrates! Well, you know what, they're off the list. Indonesia is officially off the list. I'm fed up!" said World Vision executive Martin Keenaghan.

"World Vision can kiss my ass," said Therawat, "Why don't they just give us shirts that say 'HOMELESS LOSERS' on them instead. It's basically the same thing. Keep your crappy t-shirts. It's like 95 degrees here, most of us don't wear shirts anyway. Rebuild my home and give me some Goddamn food. Now that would be helpful." DD

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

FATHER AND SON'S NIGHT OF BONDING ENDS WITH BOTH ARRESTED




Central Florida- Lloyd Turnip Jr and his son Lloyd Turnip III decided to try and rekindle their strained relationship by having "a boy's night out". The father and son had been embroiled in a 6 month feud which began innocently enough when Lloyd the third insulted his dad's attempt at homemade tapioca pudding and slowly escalated from there to a hatchet fight in and around the family trailer, culminating with each Turnip bloodied, missing several fingers and toes.

"Them Turnips always been trouble, from the day they was hatched," said neighbor Ned Jupps, "trouble with a capital T. They killed my cats with a slingshot the day they moved in, and that's the best thing I can say about them filthy bastards."

The Turnips have, in recent weeks, slowly decided to end their feud, mostly at the urging of Lloyd Jr's ex-wife, Hattie Potts.

"I need those 2 to stay together and the hell away from me. They are 2 of the dumbest creatures to ever walk this good earth. They belong together. I tricked them by telling each one of them that the other was really sorry and had money for the other. Couple a idiots," said Hattie.

The celebratory night out for the Turnips turned ugly and violent almost immediately and ended with father and son locked up for numerous charges. Some of the charges include: Drunk & Disorderly Conduct, Resisting Arrest, Public Lewdness, Vandalism, Trespassing, Arson, Motor Vehicle Theft, DUI, Prostitution, Glue Sniffing and 15 other charges.

"We was just tryin' to have a good time is all," said Lloyd Jr, "shoot, people like to party in different ways. I sure as shit don't tell you folks how to have a good time, so don't be tellin' me and my boy how to. Us Turnips like to turn it up a notch or two, if you know what I mean."

The Turnip boys are likely to face several years behind bars for their conduct, as numerous small businesses and innocent bystanders try to recover from the damage the father and son caused.

"Well, what's done is done. Excuse the crap outta me for takin' my boy out on the town and tryin' to have a little joy in my life. It ain't easy competin' for a boy's attention with all these damn video games and stuff, but I'm tryin' my best" DD

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL


YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS ARE BACK TO WEIGH IN ON THE WORLD SERIES









CHARLES- Well, Paul, it's time for the Fall Classic.

PAUL- You mean the clothing optional Hot Tub Party at Jim Nabor's house?

CHARLES- Oh, Oh, no.....not that Fall Classic, that's in November. I'm talkin about the World Series.

PAUL- Of Poker?

CHARLES- Baseball, you little fop. We're sports reporters, or did you forget that little piece of information?

PAUL- Whoa, slow down there big fella. Who exactly are you referring to when you say "Little Fop"?

CHARLES- I think you know who? Just zip it and save it for later. Our loyal readers want us to break down the World Series, not have one of our infamous cat fights.

PAUL- You're right Chuck, too much drama, why don't you give us some of that CNR baseball insight.

CHARLES- Now you're acting rationally. Let's talk about America's favorite past time, shall we.

PAUL- You mean sleeping with your neighbors and then blogging about it, changing all the names.

CHARLES- No, America's other favorite past time. Baseball. We have quite a match up in this World Series.

PAUL- Why do they call it the World Series when only teams from America and some pathetic loser from Canada get to play for it.

CHARLES- Because that's how its done. That's how its always been. And that's how it will always be. Listen sister, don't go getting all philosophical on me, just give us your predictions and make it quick. I have a Toga Party at Nathan Lane's condo to go to tonight. I have an elegant satin sheet that will be the hit of the party.

PAUL- Whatever, Chuck. I think the Phillies will repeat as champs. That Ryan Howard is a whole lotta man. Way too much man for the Yankees to handle.

CHARLES- Poor, dear Paul. So naive. So clueless. If you want to talk about a man, a real M-A-N, then the conversation begins and ends with Alex Rodriguez. His full glistening lips, his frosted highlights, his ever so subtle use of rougue and mascara. That my dear Paul is a real man. Your Ryan Howard is a neanderthal compared to A-Rod. Oh, Oh, and boy can he sock that ball.

PAUL- Puh-leeze Chuck, you gush about him as if he were LeBron James.

CHARLES- Blasphemy!! LeBron is in a league all by himself. Let's keep that chocolate God out of this shall we, and stick to the World Series. As you have guessed I am picking the Yankees to sweep them.

PAUL- Is that so? Would you care to make a friendly wager Chuckles?

CHARLES- I don't condone gambling, but what did you have in mind?

PAUL- How about the loser has to give Chuck Norris a bikini wax.

CHARLES- LOSER???

PAUL- Yeah, you're right that is more like the winner's prize.

CHARLES- How about the loser has to clean Rosie O'Donnell's bathroom.

PAUL- Oh dear God!! That is repulsive, but alright, we're on.

CHARLES- OK, let's shake on it.

PAUL- OK, Chuck, you can let go now. You do know that you're supposed to shake HANDS when you say that right?

CHARLES- OH, OH hands have so many germs, I'm not a fan of shaking hands.

PAUL- Alright, stay tuned loyal readers, and may the best man win.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

AGAINST FAMILY'S WISHES GARY BUSEY ELOPES WITH MONKEY




Actor and occasional contributor to this publication, Gary Busey, has once again outraged his family and shocked his three fans. This time he may have gone too far. Busey, whose love of animals goes back to his childhood, has possibly crossed the line of acceptable human behavior.
While guest starring on a show about chimpanzees on The Animal Planet Busey became quite smitten with one of his co-stars Sally the Chimp.
After the taping of the program, Busey hung around the set every day for two weeks, smiling that Busey smile and flirting with the primate. The two became inseperable and exactly one month after their first meeting Busey declared his love to Sally.
"Sally is the only one who gets me. I've never felt like this before. I love her man!" screamed Busey to a confused crowd outside the Animal Planet studio.
Many wonder if this is some bizarre publicity stunt or more likely that the actor has finally gone completely insane.

"Gary has always loved animals. I remember him being quite fond of his pet ferret, letting it sleep under his covers as a little boy. His father and I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time, although I do recall he always woke up without his jammy bottoms. There were a few strange incidents now that I think of it. There was that time at the game farm when he french kissed a pig and tried to drink milk directly from a cow. We just figured he was craving attention from his father who actually couldn't stand him. I guess there was a little more to it than that," said Gary's mom.



(2 year old Gary introducing himself to a pig)


Busey, to the chagrin of his family, has run away with Sally and has vowed to find a society that will accept their relationship and not judge them. Possibly West Virginia.

"I don't think this is a stunt, I truly believe that Gary is deeply in love with Sally. I just hope he realizes something very important before he tries to consumate their relationship," said veterinarian and Animal Planet consultant Dr. Kent Tyner,"Sally is actually a male chimp, but having met Gary a few times, I don't think that will stop him." DD

Thursday, September 24, 2009

LIBYAN LEADER MOAMMAR GADHAFI PRACTICES STAND UP ROUTINE AT UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY



United Nations(NY)- Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi grabbed his manila folder full of material and slowly strolled to the podium,a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye. The self proclaimed "king of kings" adjusted the microphone, straightened out the various wraps adorning his body, and proceeded to speak for 96 continuous minutes in a mystifying stream of consciousness.
He began speaking to a full house and 1 hour 36 minutes later his audience consisted of delegates from French Guyana, The Ivory Coast, Bora Bora and 3 cleaning people.

Most members of the General Assembly gave up 15 minutes into Gaddafi's speech.
Gadhaffi, whose name has a different spelling each time it appears, touched on a wide variety of topics, never quite forming complete rational thoughts.

Here are some excerpts from Mummar Quaddafi's mind-bending speech:


13 minutes: "I want to tell you that I still despise Ronald Reagan. He was a terrible leader and a coward of a man, and yet I find all of his old movies completely charming. I have watched them all, hundreds of times. I am torn between my hatred for this man, and my love of his interplay with Bonzo the monkey. I miss him. In another century, under different circumstances, we would have been best friends. Inseperable buddies. Or we would have brutally killed each other. One way or the other, it would have been glorious. Is anyone hungry?
Can I have a falaffel extra yogurt sauce and a fresca with no ice ...."



39 minutes: "If you were stranded in the desert with a goat, a sheep, and a chicken, which one would you have sex with? Why choose just one! True story. Hey, Hey, Yemen, don't you judge me! I see the look that you just gave Senegal. And you too Botswana, I'm sure you have a skeleton or two in your closet...."



53 minutes: "I have ugly feet look at them. No, don't! Look away, they're hideous! They're so hairy and my toenails are all black and uneven. I'm embarrassed of them, yet I wear sandals constantly. I can't help it, they really go with any style of robe, or several layers of robes, and any type of hat, whether it's a kuffi, turban or what have you. I didn't always feel this way, but I do now.
Wake up are you listening to me? I know most of you have jet lag, but this is very rude...."


74 minutes: "The oceans are the future, we must take to them and start breeding humans with gills so that we can evolve and prosper. There is so much more room in the sea, why can't anyone see this besides me. We have gone as far as we can go on the land. We need to start this tonight. Who's with me?...."


88 minutes: "Is anyone else sick of this Megan Fox yet? She's hot and sexy, no doubt about that, but she's crazier than a shit house rat. What's with all the weird tattoos? Has the world run out of beautiful, sexy women that we need to put her picture on the cover of every magazine? Is it me? Am I alone in this? Can I see a show of hands if you're with me? Helllloooo is this thing on?...."




Quaddafy mercifully ended his rambling speech at 96 minutes, as some speculated that he was going to try and break Fidel Castro's record from the 1960's of over 4 hours.
The Libyan leader enjoyed his time in New York on the big stage so much that he just booked a 3 night stint at Caroline's Comedy Club.
It is unclear how audiences will react to him, but it is safe to say that he'll probably get a better reception than Tom Arnold, and will surely be funnier. DD

Monday, September 21, 2009

KER PLUNK GOES MILTON BRADLEY'S CAREER AS CHICAGO CUBS RIGHTFIELDER

























Chicago- The Cubs have seen enough of controversial baseball player Milton Bradley, and have decided to suspend him for the rest of the season. Bradley, who is playing for his seventh team in ten years, angered Cubs management by lashing out at the fans,calling them racists and complaining that the OPERATION is run like a BATTLESHIP.
Bradley has had some sort of TROUBLE at each stop in his ten year career, leading some analysts to believe that he has ANTS IN THE PANTS.
Anger management classes have not seemed to help calm Bradley down who is not only having problems on the field, but also in THE GAME OF LIFE.
Sources close to the player say his animosity toward the fans stems from his perceived lack of support from them due to his focused and intense quest for PERFECTION. Fans find his angry demeanor off- putting, saying he should be as thrilled as a BARREL OF MONKEYS that he's being paid a lot of money to play the game of baseball. A job most people would kill to have.
As for now the Cubs have seen enough of Bradley's tired act and are undecided if they are going to try and trade him. Several teams with post season aspirations are acting like HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS and are already contacting the Cubs to inquire about his availability and want to gobble up his bat for the playoffs.
Winning seems to be the bottom line with most of these teams, who don't seem worried that Bradley's disruptive force, akin to a 150 mph gale force TWISTER, will rip their clubhouses apart.
Who knows? Maybe the next stop for Milton Bradley, the eighth team in ten years, will prove to be the right fit for this troubled player. SORRY, but I don't think so.
SIMON says not a chance. DD

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

HEADLINES FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY

MASSACHUSETTS- THE BODY OF SEN. EDWARD (TED) KENNEDY HAS BEEN PICKLED IN AN EIGHT FOOT CUSTOM MADE BOTTLE OF GORDON'S GIN AS PER HIS LAST WILL & TESTAMENT



CALIFORNIA- GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER CALLS RESIDENTS OF AREA OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DEVASTATED BY WILDFIRES WIMPS, SAYING IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO DAMAGE CAUSED DURING FILMING OF RED HEAT



MINNESOTA- BRETT FAVRE DECIDING TO ENTER POLITICS WHEN HIS FOOTBALL CAREER IS OVER, OR MAYBE NOT


NEW HAMPSHIRE- THE LEGALIZATION OF GAY MARRIAGES IN ADJOINING STATE OF VERMONT HAS NEW HAMPSHIRE REQUESTING "HOMO" SEAT BUFFER BETWEEN THE 2 STATES


NEW YORK- METS PLAYER DAVID WRIGHT RETURNS TO ACTION AFTER 2 WEEKS ON DL WITH CONCUSSION, WEARS SPECIAL SAFETY HELMET DESIGNED BY FRED FLINTSTONE PROTEGE THE GREAT GAZOO



FLORIDA- RAPPER Flo Rida DECIDES TO END LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH PROMISCUOUS EX-GIRLFRIEND AND FELLOW RAPPER, I Da HO



WASHINGTON DC- PRES. OBAMA ANGRY UPON RETURN TO WHITE HOUSE AFTER VACATIONING IN MARTHA'S VINEYARD TO FIND THAT MICHELLE LEFT SEVERAL LIGHTS ON AND THE GIRLS FORGOT TO EMPTY KITCHEN GARBAGE, LEAVING HOUSE INFESTED WITH FRUIT FLIES



PENNSYLVANIA- EAGLES QUARTERBACK DONOVAN MCNABB SUDDENLY REALIZES BEGGING OWNERSHIP TO SIGN MICHAEL VICK NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA, SINCE VICK PLAYS SAME POSITION AND WILL PROBABLY TAKE HIS JOB

Thursday, August 27, 2009

INTER-OFFICE MEMO

FROM GARY COMPTON TO ALL MY OFFICE CO-WORKERS




I said good morning when I saw you didn't I?
Asked how your weekend was.
Feigned interest in your longwinded reply.
Well, guess what? I'm done with you for the day.
Do I have to come up with a new greeting or witty retort for you each and every time we pass each other throughout the day?
I'm done. Hear me?
Done.

I'm done with "Jimbo" and his need to tap me on the back or shoulder every time he passes me on the way to the copy machine or water cooler. I saw you and said hello to you at 9:00. What more do you want from me? I acknowledge you each and every time we pass with a head nod or raised eyebrows, and I think that is going above and beyond. That's all I'm willing to give! I've given you ONE verbal daily greeting and that should be efficient. PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME!

I'm tired of "Gina" and her constant complaints about everything from her husband's chronic halitosis to her neighbor's overgrown hedges.
This just in- I don't care! Nobody Cares!
Are you so self involved that you can't see that I have a queasy look on my face every single time you begin one of your rants. I'm constantly back peddaling and pretending to look over my work when you're bitching about the guy that tried to beat you out for a parking space or how they gave you whole milk instead of low-fat in your latte. You just keep on going, not caring that I'm trying to escape your presence. PLEASE STOP SPEAKING!

I've had it up to here (my hand is touching my forehead) with "Andy" and his constant name dropping and butting into everyone's conversations. Mind your damn business when I'm speaking to someone else! I don't care that you have a boat and that you ate at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant while sitting at a table next to Danny Aiello who laughed at one of your jokes and complimented your taste in wine. Save your breath, no one believes a word you say. You're 37 years old and still live with your parents. We'd all own yachts by now if we didn't have to pay for food or rent. GET A LIFE LOSER!

I'm sick of "Tony" and his double entendres for every word with a vague slang sexual reference. You're kidding with this right? This is a man with three teenage daughters who still is enamored with 5th grade sexual jokes.
You can't use words like 'head','come','blow', etc without him making some sort of vulgar remark as he passes by.
You make all the women uncomfortable and give most of the men the creeps.
(All except "Andy" of course who seems to enjoy it.)
GROW UP YOU SICK LITTLE PERVERT!

Alright, I'm starting to feel a little better. I've been bottling all that up for years and my therapist advised me to confront my anger issues by telling people in my life, in a polite and constructive manner, what's been bothering me.
I hope this exercise allows me to move forward in a positive way and finally get off those nasty anti-depressants.
Thanks to all!
( Next week, I'll discuss my wife and in-laws and some issues I have with those a**holes.)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Beyonce Realizes In Horror That She Is Actually Married To Jay-Z



Beyonce Knowles is living a fairy tale life. She is beautiful, talented and rich. She enjoys not only successful musical and modeling careers, but also a budding acting career. She travels the world staying in the best hotels and dining at the most posh restaurants. She is one of the elite few who only needs to use her first name. Most would be jealous of a life style such as this. Unless, of course that meant waking up next to Jay-Z.

Beyonce herself cannot believe that she is actually married, much less to Jay-Z.
"I have no idea how this happened," said Beyonce," was I drugged? Am I really Mrs.-Z?"

Beyonce's befuddlement is shared by everyone on the planet earth, except of course for Jay-Z, who refused to be interviewed for this story. (He did however send over two obscenely obese men wearing sunglasses and lots of gold to our downtown offices to advise us to "reconsider" publishing the story. The Daily Drivel does not take kindly to threats, veiled or not, but we will be relocating our offices to an undisclosed address by week's end.)

Beyonce remembers working with Jay-Z, amongst others, on her successful solo debut album "Dangerously in Love" in 2003, but doesn't seem to remember much else since then. Until now.

"I'm confused. I feel like I've been in a trance the last several years. Honestly, the last thing I seem to remember is working on my solo album after I left Destiny's Child. Everything since is kinda hazy. Am I really married to Jay-Z? You mean I'm not married to Derek Jeter or Leonardo Di Caprio? Wow, I need to sit down, I'm feeling kinda dizzy. How did this happen?" said Beyonce.

How indeed no one seems to know for sure. Jay-Z has been seen in the company of a mysterious gentleman numerous times over the years. A gentlemen who has also been seen hanging around with performers like Seal and Billy Joel and several years ago with actor Billy Bob Thornton.




The identity of this mystery man is unknown but he is assumed to be some sort of svengali, hypnotizing beautiful women to date, and in some cases, even marry less than desirable men. Speculation abounds as to whether or not this male witch may have conjured up a spell on the unwitting diva, and how she suddenly snapped out of the trance.

"Heidi Klum has the same sort of look on her face that I did for several years. You can see it in her eyes, they're sort of glazed over, especially when she's next to Seal. I know that look. I've had that look," said Beyonce as she poured over several photographs, "here, look at this one of Angelina Jolie from 2000 when she married Billy Bob Thornton and this old one from 1985 of Christie Brinkley when she was married to Billy Joel. Same glassy look!"








Authorities have been alerted to apprehend and question the mystery man as to his involvement with Jay-Z, Seal and numerous other less than handsome celebrities with beautiful wives. The elusive svengali seems to have remained in the shadows for several decades and capturing him may prove to be an impossible task.
One thing we know for sure is that Jay-Z will not be revealing the man's identity or his existence for that matter.

Beyonce, for now, will continue to go about her daily business as Mrs.-Z but she, like the rest of us, would like some answers.

"I think it's time for me to go on a world tour. A year, maybe even two, until this whole thing can be sorted out. Hey, Angelina woke up and is now married to Brad Pitt, so there's hope for women like us." DD

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Wrestling Family Challenges All Comers



Flagstaff, Az- The Drucker family is tired of being pushed around, and dag-nabbit, they're not going to take it anymore.

After years of abuse by relatives, neighbors, and even passers-by, Stew Drucker and his wife, Arlene decided enough was enough. They have taken wrestling classes from famed retired wrestler Mil Mascaras, and are using they're newly acquired skills to gain a modicum of revenge over their former tormentors.

"I've had my ass handed to me my entire life. I was used to getting slapped around by the other kids in the chess club and the marching band when I was in high school. Even as a grown man it was common place for me to get punched out at the supermarket or the dry cleaner. That was my life and I accepted my fate," said Stew Drucker.

Drucker's milque-toast attitude and victim persona even transferred itself to his wife Arlene who, seemingly immediately after saying 'I do', has been routinely beaten over the years. Not by Stew, of course, but by virtually everyone else that she comes in contact with.

"I don't understand it," said Arlene Drucker, "my whole life no one ever laid a hand on me, and then at my wedding reception I was pummeled and repeatedly kicked in the stomach by the maitre'd. It hasn't stopped since. I have no explanation for it."

The Druckers finally decided to do something about it when their son, Crandall, was coming home battered and bruised on a daily basis from kindergarten. That's when they contacted Mr. Mascaras.

"I've never seen a more pathetic family in all my days," said Mascaras," as soon as I met them I had this strange desire to start hitting them. Luckily, I fought back the urge, because I would've killed them, even at 65, I'm still a hell of a fighter."

After months of extensive training, the Druckers are now a force to be reckoned with. They've learned several of Mil Mascaras's signature moves like the 'double chop', the 'monkey flip' and the 'flying surfboard' and are not afraid to use them.

"The other morning the garbage man got in my face and started screaming at me for for putting some grass clippings in with the regular garbage. Normally, I would have been tossed to the floor and had my crotch jumped on by a man like this, but I used a move Mr. Mascaras taught me called a 'Mongolian chop' and needless to say, I don't think the contents of my garbage bucket will be questioned from now on," said Stew Drucker.
The Druckers are so enamored with wrestling and being able to defend themselves that they've begun wearing wrestling masks everywhere they go. This is a tribute to Mil Mascaras, whose name translates to "a thousand masks", and still wears a mask to this day to hide his identity.
"I appreciate how they honor me and my accomplishments by wearing the masks, but I fear I have created a family that is now out of control. They are fighting with people all the time now, they are even starting to beat me. They've become masters at double-teaming an opponent and their young son gives the final crippling blow, usually gouging the eyes or twisting the testicles. I can't control them any longer," said Mascaras with a quivering voice, "I'm sorry. I feel like Dr. Frankenstein." DD

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Man Takes Advice From Design On Bathroom Tile Resembling Late Actor Peter Ustinov





Baltimore, MD- Bernard Avery, a 32 year old freelance writer of crossword puzzles, claims to have received expert advice on numerous matters from an unlikely source. He has made successful investments, avoided a potentially serious medical condition, and learned to speak fluent Russian, all with the help of a squiggly design on his bathroom tile. A design he claims speaks to him and resembles late actor Peter Ustinov.
Avery spends more time in his bathroom than any other room in his apartment, due to an addiction to flossing and a terrible case of irritable bowel syndrome. While the average person spends 25 minutes a day in their home bathroom, Avery tends to spend 7 ½ hours a day in his.
"I was sitting on the throne, like usual, reading the latest copy of O magazine, when this strange pattern on the floor tile caught my eye," said Avery.
"The shape looked oddly familiar, I couldn’t place it right away, but then I realized that it looked like actor Peter Ustinov. The Peter Ustinov from the movie Spartacus, with the curly hair and messy beard. I had been living in the apartment for 2 months and hadn’t noticed it before, but once I found it I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It’s not a dirt smudge or anything, it’s an actual pattern on the tile. I found myself alone late at night in the bathroom talking to the tile, asking it questions like, ’what type of wine do you drink with spaghetti squash?’ and ‘which emerging markets should I invest in?’ I was surprised that I was talking out loud to a spot on the floor tile, but I was even more surprised when the spot answered back."
Avery has developed a unique rapport with the tile, often times finishing each other’s sentences.
"I feel like I’ve known him forever, I can’t believe its been less than 6 months. You wouldn’t think so, but we have a lot in common. We share a love of Russian authors, South American wine and chamber music. He’s quite knowledgeable on a variety of subjects which has really helped my crossword puzzles," said Avery.
The bathroom tile Peter Ustinov has turned out to be very much like his human predecessor, holding court for hours on end on a variety of subjects. Avery is learning many things, but his social life and circulation are suffering from the nearly 1/3 of a day he spends in his bathroom, mostly sitting on the toilet.




"Admittedly, I don’t go out as often as I should. I barely went out before, but now it is rare for me to leave the bathroom, much less the apartment. Even when I’m in the kitchen, I yell things toward the bathroom to keep the conversation going. His voice doesn’t really carry past the bathroom door, so I miss a lot when I’m out of the room. I usually pretend that I hear him, because he doesn’t like to be ignored. I learned that lesson early on, he can become very irate."
The unusual companions, for the most part, seem to enjoy their time together. Avery eats all of his meals in the bathroom, and several times has slept right on the bathroom floor, falling asleep to one of Ustinov’s long winded tales, usually involving Tony Curtis, and what a jack-ass he was.
"He has not only enriched my life, but he actually saved my life once. One day when I was shaving, he said that my prostate looked enlarged from his vantage point. On his recommendation I went to a doctor, and guess what, he was right. The doctor was amazed, we caught it so early that it was almost a non issue. I owe Ustinov a debt of gratitude for probably saving my life. I never would have gone to the doctor on my own. He can be quite persuasive you know."
As for now, Bernard Avery is quite content to keep things the way they are, but there is talk that his rent stabilized apartment building may be torn down to make room for expensive professional condominiums.
"I guess I’ll worry about that when and if it happens. If it does, I will of course, very carefully, chip the tile out and take him with me. He won’t be happy to leave, he loves it here, but I couldn’t imagine my life without that darn tile at this point. As sad as this sounds, it’s my only friend." DD

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pluto: Once Proud Planet, Now Insecure Dwarf




The former Ninth planet in the solar system, Pluto, is a shell of its former self. After being demoted to dwarf planet status in 2006 by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), Pluto has been in a downward spiral, refusing to gain mass and, in fact, losing some of its icy composition.
"Pluto is in bad shape," said astronomer Dr. Basil Fisher," We are quite worried that the feelings of insecurity and embarrassment after being demoted have led this once proud planet to act recklessly."
Pluto's orbit since its demotion in 2006 to dwarf planet has been chaotic and in some cases downright dangerous, nearly resulting in a collision with the Planet Neptune on several occasions.
"Pluto is a rogue spherical mass these days, operating by its own set of rules. Its stabilty is in question as of late. The orbits of Neptune and Pluto have remained unchanged for millions of years, with the possibility of a collision as virtually non existent. Until 2006. That's when everything changed. Pluto's behavior has become erratic, jeopordizing not only itself and Neptune, but in one instance almost penetrating the gaseous orbit of Uranus. That is totally uncalled for," said NASA scientist Sebastian Musso, "I understand Pluto is going through a very difficult and depressing time, but you don't behave like that."

The members of the IAU who made the decision to demote Pluto based their vote on three requirements for which an object may be classified as a planet:

1-It needs to be in orbit around the Sun. Check.
2-It needs to have enough gravity to pull itself into a spherical shape. Check.
3-It needs to have "cleared the neighborhood" of its orbit. Uh Oh.
According to this, Pluto is not a planet.
What does "cleared its neighborhood" mean?

As planets form, they become the dominant gravitational body in their orbit in the Solar System. As they interact with other, smaller objects, they either consume them, or sling them away with their gravity. Pluto is only 0.07 times the mass of the other objects in its orbit. The Earth, in comparison, has 1.7 million times the mass of the other objects in its orbit.
Thus, Pluto has lost membership in that very exclusive club, "Planets of the Solar System."




The controversial decision to reclassify Pluto has polarized not only the scientific community, but the general public.

"I don't blame Pluto for acting out. He's pissed off man. How do you think you'd feel if one day a creepy group of distant cousins said that you didn't belong in the family and everyone listened and kicked you out? Man, that would really suck! And all for what? Because you weren't big enough? Isn't that some shit! No wonder Pluto is harboring the solar system's biggest Napoleon Complex," said Tom "Rusty" White, amateur astronomer and angry citizen.

Some people are so upset with IAU's decision to demote Pluto that they have been protesting all around the globe in various cities since the 2006 ruling. The latest was in front of Tully's Coffee House in Seattle, Washington, where any angry mob gathered to show support for Pluto.

"Dwarf planet? Dwarf? Am I understanding that correctly? That's the term these genius's came up with? How God damned insensitive can these morons be? Dwarf? Really? In this day and age to label someone that way just blows my mind! Pluto will always be a planet to me as far as I'm concerned. It will always remain the last and most beloved planet in the mock Solar System model that I made out of styrofoam that hangs over my bed. Viva Pluto!" screamed outraged protester Pamela Costidis.


The debate rages on, and scientists and astronomers are monitoring Pluto's orbit very carefully. They may decide to re-classify Pluto and upgrade it back to planet status, but they don't want to rush to any decisions just yet.
"We're weighing our options and taking our time with this one," said Rutger Schtooper, member of the IAU, "it is a huge decision that could cause a ripple effect throughout the galaxy. If we let Pluto back in, then we might be opening the door for other smaller objects like Eris and Ceres to demand planet status. The list is infinite. We have to be very careful who we let into this exclusive club. Even amusement parks have height restrictions to prevent access for smaller riders who might get hurt. I ask you, what bigger ride is there than the Solar System?" DD

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

MOTHER OF 3 LOSES ALL TRACES OF HER IDENTITY


Salinas, Ca- A mother of 3 can no longer remember her own name after years of being described as "Sarah's mom", "Kayla's mom", and now finally, "Ryan's mom".

"I haven't gone by my own name for so long that sometimes I forget that my name is, my name is, oh shoot, there it goes again, I can't seem to remember it. God I hate when that happens. Give me a few minutes, I'm sure it will come to me," said the confused woman.

A search at the Bureau of Records reveals that the mother of 3 was born Sept. 18th, 1968 and was given the name Margaret Gallagher.

According to the Spring Valley High School yearbook for the year 1986, Margaret Gallagher also went by the nickname Peg or Peggy, and was also called "Sugar Britches" (for reasons I don't think we want to know) by her first boyfriend, Daniel Leto.

Margaret Gallagher became Margaret Keenan on May 15th, 1995, when she married Kevin Keenan, according to a marriage certificate filed at Town Hall.

"I was introduced to her as 'Kevin's wife'," said friend and neighbor Frank Guma," I never thought to ask her what her first name was. I usually just say 'morning neighbor' and go about my business. They've been living next door for about 8 years and only now did it occur to me that I don't even know her name."

This loss of identity seems to be getting worse with each child she has, and with each new acquaintance she makes, especially through her children's advanced social networks.

She is mostly known as 'Sarah's mom' to the other parents and players of her oldest daughter's soccer team, or "Ryan's mom" at the Mommy & Me Classes at the local library.
There was a time, however, when Margaret "Peggy" Gallagher had her own identity.
"You may not believe it to look at me now, but back in college I had a lot going on. Co-captain of the Debate Team, 4 year member of a local Theater Group, instructor of yoga classes. I was very well known and quite popular with the men, especially the Fencing and Rugby teams.
They all knew my name back then, that's for damn sure. They all wanted to date, oh, hell, what is it again? Oh yes, Peggy, that's it. They all wanted to date Peggy, and guess what, most of them did. I taught those fencing boys the true meaning of the terms "thrust and parry", if you get my drift. I had an identity then. And a bit of a reputation too, but that's neither here nor there."
As our interview with Margaret ended she brought me with her to drop off her miniature dachsund at the animal obedience school and the woman behind the counter smiled and said, "Oh, you must be Bowzer's owner."
Margaret looked at me, sighed and shrugged.
I bet at least a few members of the Rugby team still remember the name Peggy Gallagher.
DD

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

THE UNSINKABLE B M: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF



Well they got me. What can I say?
If I told you I had a good reason for doing what I did would you understand?
If I told you I did what I did for love, would that humanize me in your minds?
Well, it's true. I'm a victim too you know. That's the power of love.
As I sit here contemplating my future over the next 150 years, I think of Ruth.
This song I write for her:



Hey there Bubbeleh
What's it like in New York City?
Our penthouse seems a thousand miles away
But Ruth, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Interrogation spotlights can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
_____________________________________
Hey there Bubbeleh
Don't worry about the investors
We have that account down in the Caymans
In the name of my cousin Lester
Don't touch it yet
It'll help get us out of debt
Gabeesh, my little pet?
____________________________________
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
What you do to me
__________________________________
Hey there Bubbeleh
I robbed from Peter and from Paul
The stupid schmucks I fooled them all
Ruthie dear, I had no other way
I stole a little, then a lot
Now I'm sleeping on a cot
My back will never, ever be the same
And you're to blame, yes, you're to blame
_______________________________________
150 years seems pretty long
They tell me I did something wrong
They're all just jealous of my acquired wealth
We had homes and boats and cars
But now I sit here behind bars
My reputation will never, ever be the same
Oh, what a shame, my good name
_______________________________________
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
______________________________________
I've got so much left to say
But these guards are taking my pen away
Those filthy, rotten, no-good schmucks
I wish I had a couple of bucks
I'd bribe them all to look the other way
But I can't pay
I can't pay
_______________________________________
Hey there Bubbeleh
You be good and don't you miss me
150 more years and I'll be out of jail
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We did whatever we wanted to
Hey there Bubbeleh here's to you
This one's for you
____________________________________
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
Oy it's what you do to me
What you do to me


Madoff signing out.
(149 years, 351 days and counting. Ruthie dear, please wait for your Bernie Bear).

Thursday, June 25, 2009

WORLD'S FIRST HONEST AUTO MECHANIC DISCOVERED



Worthington, Oh- In what some scientists are describing as a ground breaking discovery, an automobile mechanic who doesn't overcharge unsuspecting motorists for unnecessary "repairs" was actually found alive and working in an Ohio suburb.

"I am truly speechless," said Dr. Laszlo Ferrar, "I had almost given up hope that one actually existed. I've spent the better part of 20 years searching for this elusive creature. There were rumors about possible sightings, but it always ended the same way, in utter disappointment, a 'new' timing belt and a bill for $600. Until now."

Bill James, the world's first honest mechanic, has been repairing automobiles for the residents of Worthington, Ohio, a small suburb of Columbus, for the past 40 years.

James, 58, whose motto, "An honest day's work for an honest day's pay" is unprecedented in the auto repair industry.

This discovery, once unheard of, has now changed the heart and mindset of even the most jaded consumers.

"I brought my '99 Ford Tempo in for an oil change, and do you know what I got? An oil change. An actual oil change. I couldn't believe it!" exclaimed Debbie Casali,"usually when I bring my car to a shop for an oil change I get a bill for a fuel pump and brake pads. I am shocked, I thought there must be something wrong with this man or maybe he was just mentally challenged and couldn't add. He gave me a bill for $21. I stood there dumbfounded, he had to help me to a chair so that I could sit down, I felt a little dizzy by the whole experience."

It is a mystery how a discovery like this has eluded scientists, consumer advocists, and the media for four decades. Some experts are equating this to capturing a unicorn or swimming with a mermaid. A myth, a fantasy, which was written off long ago as the musings of dreamers who were not grounded in reality.

"My colleagues scoffed at my research and told me I had a better chance of capturing the Loch Ness Monster. I've left them all slaw-jacked with this discovery of Mr. James. He may actually earn me a shot at a Nobel Prize," said Dr.Ferrar.

As with any discovery of this magnitude the speculation of a hoax is bandied about. Many in the auto repair industry claim Bill James is a fraud, most notably other repair shops located in and around Worthington.

"Impossible," said Cletus Mayhew of the Firestone Complete Auto Care Center on N. High Street, "James ain't no real mechanic. Can't be. There's no way he charges those prices and runs an auto repair shop. No way! We got lots of overhead to pay for, we can't have you come in here for just an oil change, it's impossible! We need to charge at least $300 on every job or we might as well close our doors. That's the way it is. Every mechanic worth his salt knows that. I'll say it again, James ain't no real mechanic! Remember where you heard that, Ol' Cletus Mayhew over here at Firestone on N. High Street.
And when you come to your senses, bring your car on over, we're runnin' a free diagnostic test this week on all makes and models, but bring your checkbook, just in case we find somethin' wrong." DD

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Opinion




Hi, my name is Kevin Nelson and I really need your help. I have a job interview on Monday and I was wondering if you think this jacket is a little too retro for me?
I have a fairly impressive resume, but it's the face to face interview that really makes or breaks you.
I don't want to look, well you know, ridiculous. Sometimes a potential employer will size you up before you even open your mouth, and I don't want to lose out because of bad fashion sense.
I think the jacket works, especially with the tie, but hey, you never know, I could be totally off base here.
I do have a dark tweed sports coat with the patches on the elbows, you know real sophisticated, but I've worn that one so many times already that it's getting kind of boring.
How about the shirt? Do you think a little splash of color might be more pleasing to the eye? Maybe mauve or even, let's say, peach?
Something that says, 'Hey mister future employer, Kevin Nelson is a complete professional, but you know what, he has a playful side too. You'd better snatch this guy up before some other mega corporation beats you to it.'
I'm just not sure, but I do want to make a great first impression. When I step into the office I want them to say to themselves,' That's him! That's the man we've been looking for to fill this position.'
I think this look works for me, but I'd like your feedback. You'd never know it to look at me, but sometimes I tend to obsess on things, and take things a little too far. I'd hate to make a bad choice and make a fool of myself.
Thanks a lot, I could really use your input, it would mean the world to me.
Your friend, and hopefully soon to be employed, Kevin Nelson.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

NEW VARIETY SHOW 'NOSFERATU & FRIENDS' CANCELED AFTER ONLY TWO EPISODES



Ill fated variety show 'Nosferatu & Friends' was quickly canceled by fledgling network CW today due to controversy. The show, which centered around ancient ghoulish vampire Nosferatu, was flawed from its inception.

Trying to capitalize on the pop culture fascination with vampires, a few aggressive network executives thought it would be a good idea to build a variety show around one of the oldest vampires in Hollywood.

"They try to do things on the cheap over there at that network. We've seen some bad ideas thrown together with very limited budgets before from them, but this was an all time low. Nosferatu is not a very well known vampire, especially to the target audience of 18-34 that they were gearing it toward. He is also notoriously unpredictable to deal with, that's why no one in the business has worked with him in over 70 years. This is one idea that literally came back to bite them," said Melissa Marconi, executive producer for ABC.

The episodes of the show which aired the past two consecutive Saturdays at 8, were a disaster from the opening scene. Apparently Nosferatu only groans and hisses and makes other inarticulate sounds, and yet they had him attempting to sing a duet with former 'American Idol' contestant William Hung.
Their bizarre rendition of "I'm too sexy" was assumed to be a joke, but came off as creepy. Nosferatu, with unblinking eyes wide open, just stared and groaned at Hung, and slowly inched closer and closer to him as the song progressed, culminating with his claw-like fingers around Hung's throat. The show then quickly cut to commercial never finishing the song. Hung was not seen again on the show after the commercial break, or anywhere else for that matter.

"It was the worst experience of my life," said a production assistant on the show who refused to reveal her name for safety reasons. "They had dance numbers and sketch comedy routines planned, but Nosferatu would not cooperate. In one sketch he was supposed to be a sheriff who comes busting through the door of an old saloon to save a damsel in distress but instead he attacked the woman himself. It was horrible, it took seven stage crew members to pull him off her. I still have nightmares about that."

Another production problem ocurred when the editors realized that Nosferatu only appears in black and white, and all attempts to colorize his performances were unsuccessful, creating a strange and unsettling visual image.
Each episode was supposed to end with the whole cast onstage singing a group song, but no one wanted to get within 10 feet of the menacing vampire.

"I hope he never works in this town again," said co-star Bruce Brickmeier, a veteran actor and singer who has appeared in countless Broadway musicals, "I've never worked with someone so unprofessional in all my years in show business. He couldn't sing, he couldn't dance, he couldn't act, he was useless. It was like working with Tom Arnold all over again."

Nosferatu's career in show business seems to have come to an abrupt end, and he will probably slink back into the shadows where he has been hiding for three quarters of a century. Unless, of course, he turns his attention to producing, where various ghouls, like Harvey Weinstein, have had quite successful careers.
Only Nosferatu knows for sure what his plans are, and as usual, he's not talking.
DD

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL




YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS HAVE DECIDED TO COME OUT........................
WITH THEIR PREDICTIONS FOR THE NBA FINALS......




Paul- Hello faithful readers, Charles and I have been on an extended vacation, but we flew back just in time to cover the NBA Finals.

Charles- Oh Oh, I'm so glad to be back on American soil. I kissed the ground the minute I stepped off that lousy plane.

Paul- That was a little more than ground that you were kissing there big fella. You know it's customary to give a monetary tip to a man who carries your luggage, I think you went a little overboard there Casanova.

Charles- I didn't have anything smaller than a five, don'tcha know, oh,oh. Besides, money is quickly spent, I gave that man a memory he won't ever forget.

Paul- Yeah, and he'll have the doctor's bills to prove it.

Charles- Meeoww, can I get a saucer of milk for my friend over here. Must you be so vile with your salty little comments?

Paul- Alright, alright, take it easy there Chuck, I'm just pullin' your chain.

Charles- Too late!! Har Har, Oh, Oh.

Paul- Let's get to some basketball, shall we?

Charles- Of course, we are sports reporters after all. I'll tell you Paul, I'm so excited, I can't wait to watch LeBron James in action, that ebony prince is pure poetry in motion. I could watch his moves for hours upon hours, in slow motion, with the lights turned off and surrounded by hundreds of candles.

Paul- Sorry there big fella, but the Cavs lost to the Magic in the last round while you were traipsing all over Paris. Your ebony prince will be watching the Finals from home, same as us.

(cricket, cricket)

Paul- Hello there big fella, did you hear what I just said ?

Charles- Yes. I heard.

Paul- That's it? That's your response? Yes, I heard. Don't be such a drama queen now Chuck, our fans are eagerly awaiting our predictions you know.

Charles- I don't have any predictions.

Paul- Stop! I refuse to continue this article unless you snap out of your prissy little funk.

Charles- Fine.

Paul- Ok then, we have the Los Angeles Lakers with Kobe Bryant against the Orlando Magic with Dwight Howard. You're gonna like this Chuck. Do you know what Kobe's nickname is?

Charles- Unconvicted Rapist?

Paul- Now, we're getting close to some of that acidic Charles Nelson Reilly wit that we know and love.

Charles- Oh, oh, you're right Paul, I am feeling better, please forgive me. All it takes is one snide comment to make me feel better. Besides, LeBron is young, very young, dontcha know, he's barely legal, which is one of my favorite things about him. We still have all his commercials to look forward to, oh, oh.

Paul- What's your prediction for the series there Chuckles?

Charles- Well, if I must, I'll have to pick Orlando in eight.

Paul- Orlando in eight?

Charles- That's right. What's wrong with that?

Paul- You do realize that I'm talking about the city in Florida and not Tony Orlando, right Chuck?


Charles- If I thought you were referring to Tony Orlando I would have said 5 1/2, dontcha know.

Paul- So you're sticking with Orlando in eight?

Charles- Correct.

Paul- How can you make such a ridiculous prediction and expect our readers to take us seriously?

Charles- Don't you take a condescending tone with me sister or I'll walk out of here just like I did on Match Game, when Brett Sommers farted the National Anthem during a taping.

Paul- Oh, please, enough with the Brett Sommers story, I've heard it a million times. Try sitting in the center square next to Wayland Flowers and Madame. He was doing things with that puppet that would have offended the Marquis de Sade.
So save your Brett Sommers stories for someone else.

Charles- Oh, Oh, I'm the last person you want to get into a pissing contest with, as proven by our night in that Hamburg hotel room, so just give us your prediction already.

Paul- Lakers in three, alright there big fella. That's more of a realistic pick, and one that our readers have come to expect from us.

Charles- Whatever. My heart's not in it this year anyway. There's always next year LeBron.

Paul- Anyway, the game will be on any minute and I must get into my game time kimono. I hope you enjoy watching those large, sweaty men bang into each other as much as we do, and we'll talk to you before the next ball drops.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Movie Review of "STAR TREK" by Bill S. Hatner




To boldly go where no man has gone before. To BOLDLY go where no man has gone before? That phrase meant something once upon a time. Well, I have news for you, a man has been there before. A talented man. A man who can easily make the transition from drama to action to comedy and back again. A man who not only acts, but is a successful businessman, pitchman and philanthropist.
A renaissance man who is just as comfortable on the stage as he is on the back of a horse. A man who can make love to a woman while quoting Shakespeare as he watches the fourth quarter of the game. Now that is a bold man.
That man as you may have guessed is Mr. William Shatner.
I've never met the man, but I hear he is remarkable.
Once upon a time that man, a virile man, a man's man, helmed the Starship Enterprise, not a 90210 wannabe, whose eyelashes are longer than his resume and who looks like he'd be more comfortable in a salon chair instead of a captain's chair.
This is James Tiberius Kirk? I think not!
William Shatner, who has over 50 years acting experience and is the universal face of Star Trek, was snubbed by the director of this remake or pre-quel or whatever they're calling this farce.
They wanted to go in a new direction. Jump start the franchise. Go to the beginning, or so I hear. Funny, Nimoy's phone was ringing but not Shatner's.
Like I said, I've never met the man, but I'm sure his feelings were hurt. Of course they were. He is human after all, even if he appears, shall we say, more than human.
It's not like he doesn't have anything else to do you know. He is an extremely busy and sought after singular talent, who is constantly turning down work, or so I hear.
The way I look at it, it's the director's loss.
As far as the movie goes, I couldn't sit through it. I kept getting a nagging feeling that something was missing, something important.
I think we all know what that is.
J J Abrams, William Shatner's number is unlisted, but I think you might want to try getting in touch with him before you start filming the sequel.
He'll be expecting your call, along with an apology. Just don't call before ten, he likes to sleep late, or so I'm told.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Public Service Announcement: By V P Joe Biden



Hello there my fellow Americans, Vice President Joe Biden here.
Today is May 5th, a perfect day to further express my views that were first espoused on the Today Show with Matt Lauer.
May 5th, or as our neighbors to the south say it, cinco de mayo, is a fitting day to discuss the terrible disease these generous neighbors have presented us with, Swine Flu.
When Matt Lauer asked me if I would tell members of my family not to use commercial airlines, I answered honestly, something I thought the American public would appreciate.
Apparently not. I guess you want me to tip toe around the issue, but I'm not going to do it.
As a matter of fact I'm going to let you all know how I really feel, public opinion polls be damned.
Stay away from all closed "container like" forms of transportation. Airplanes, subways, anything of that nature as I previously mentioned. I wouldn't even get in my own car at this point.
Do not use ATM vestibules, you might as well pick out your coffin now if you go into one of those death traps.
Keep out of anyplace that sells Mexican food or any place, for that matter, where Mexicans might congregate. Good luck to you poor bastards in states that border Mexico. Its been nice knowing you.
Avoid anyone with a Spanish accent, they could be Mexican. Better yet avoid anyone with any form of accent that doesn't sound American. If you don't you'll be bleeding from every orifice on your body within hours. Trust me, I've seen it.
Lock yourselves in your homes, secure the premises, barricade the doors and windows, load your firearms. If anyone attempts to enter your premises, give them a warning shot and then start firing!
Now, listen, it is not my intention to cause a wide spread panic, I'm just trying to look out for my own, of which I consider all Americans. I want us all to be safe and healthy.
That being said I'm warning anyone who coughs or sneezes within 10 feet of me I will be carrying a sidearm, and I'm a damn good shot.
Final words: Avoid everyone and everything and you might manage to stay alive.
Be safe. Be smart. Be careful.
Good Luck and God Speed!!