Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Beyonce Realizes In Horror That She Is Actually Married To Jay-Z
Beyonce Knowles is living a fairy tale life. She is beautiful, talented and rich. She enjoys not only successful musical and modeling careers, but also a budding acting career. She travels the world staying in the best hotels and dining at the most posh restaurants. She is one of the elite few who only needs to use her first name. Most would be jealous of a life style such as this. Unless, of course that meant waking up next to Jay-Z.
Beyonce herself cannot believe that she is actually married, much less to Jay-Z.
"I have no idea how this happened," said Beyonce," was I drugged? Am I really Mrs.-Z?"
Beyonce's befuddlement is shared by everyone on the planet earth, except of course for Jay-Z, who refused to be interviewed for this story. (He did however send over two obscenely obese men wearing sunglasses and lots of gold to our downtown offices to advise us to "reconsider" publishing the story. The Daily Drivel does not take kindly to threats, veiled or not, but we will be relocating our offices to an undisclosed address by week's end.)
Beyonce remembers working with Jay-Z, amongst others, on her successful solo debut album "Dangerously in Love" in 2003, but doesn't seem to remember much else since then. Until now.
"I'm confused. I feel like I've been in a trance the last several years. Honestly, the last thing I seem to remember is working on my solo album after I left Destiny's Child. Everything since is kinda hazy. Am I really married to Jay-Z? You mean I'm not married to Derek Jeter or Leonardo Di Caprio? Wow, I need to sit down, I'm feeling kinda dizzy. How did this happen?" said Beyonce.
How indeed no one seems to know for sure. Jay-Z has been seen in the company of a mysterious gentleman numerous times over the years. A gentlemen who has also been seen hanging around with performers like Seal and Billy Joel and several years ago with actor Billy Bob Thornton.
The identity of this mystery man is unknown but he is assumed to be some sort of svengali, hypnotizing beautiful women to date, and in some cases, even marry less than desirable men. Speculation abounds as to whether or not this male witch may have conjured up a spell on the unwitting diva, and how she suddenly snapped out of the trance.
"Heidi Klum has the same sort of look on her face that I did for several years. You can see it in her eyes, they're sort of glazed over, especially when she's next to Seal. I know that look. I've had that look," said Beyonce as she poured over several photographs, "here, look at this one of Angelina Jolie from 2000 when she married Billy Bob Thornton and this old one from 1985 of Christie Brinkley when she was married to Billy Joel. Same glassy look!"
Authorities have been alerted to apprehend and question the mystery man as to his involvement with Jay-Z, Seal and numerous other less than handsome celebrities with beautiful wives. The elusive svengali seems to have remained in the shadows for several decades and capturing him may prove to be an impossible task.
One thing we know for sure is that Jay-Z will not be revealing the man's identity or his existence for that matter.
Beyonce, for now, will continue to go about her daily business as Mrs.-Z but she, like the rest of us, would like some answers.
"I think it's time for me to go on a world tour. A year, maybe even two, until this whole thing can be sorted out. Hey, Angelina woke up and is now married to Brad Pitt, so there's hope for women like us." DD