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Saturday, August 15, 2009

Wrestling Family Challenges All Comers

Flagstaff, Az- The Drucker family is tired of being pushed around, and dag-nabbit, they're not going to take it anymore.

After years of abuse by relatives, neighbors, and even passers-by, Stew Drucker and his wife, Arlene decided enough was enough. They have taken wrestling classes from famed retired wrestler Mil Mascaras, and are using they're newly acquired skills to gain a modicum of revenge over their former tormentors.

"I've had my ass handed to me my entire life. I was used to getting slapped around by the other kids in the chess club and the marching band when I was in high school. Even as a grown man it was common place for me to get punched out at the supermarket or the dry cleaner. That was my life and I accepted my fate," said Stew Drucker.

Drucker's milque-toast attitude and victim persona even transferred itself to his wife Arlene who, seemingly immediately after saying 'I do', has been routinely beaten over the years. Not by Stew, of course, but by virtually everyone else that she comes in contact with.

"I don't understand it," said Arlene Drucker, "my whole life no one ever laid a hand on me, and then at my wedding reception I was pummeled and repeatedly kicked in the stomach by the maitre'd. It hasn't stopped since. I have no explanation for it."

The Druckers finally decided to do something about it when their son, Crandall, was coming home battered and bruised on a daily basis from kindergarten. That's when they contacted Mr. Mascaras.

"I've never seen a more pathetic family in all my days," said Mascaras," as soon as I met them I had this strange desire to start hitting them. Luckily, I fought back the urge, because I would've killed them, even at 65, I'm still a hell of a fighter."

After months of extensive training, the Druckers are now a force to be reckoned with. They've learned several of Mil Mascaras's signature moves like the 'double chop', the 'monkey flip' and the 'flying surfboard' and are not afraid to use them.

"The other morning the garbage man got in my face and started screaming at me for for putting some grass clippings in with the regular garbage. Normally, I would have been tossed to the floor and had my crotch jumped on by a man like this, but I used a move Mr. Mascaras taught me called a 'Mongolian chop' and needless to say, I don't think the contents of my garbage bucket will be questioned from now on," said Stew Drucker.
The Druckers are so enamored with wrestling and being able to defend themselves that they've begun wearing wrestling masks everywhere they go. This is a tribute to Mil Mascaras, whose name translates to "a thousand masks", and still wears a mask to this day to hide his identity.
"I appreciate how they honor me and my accomplishments by wearing the masks, but I fear I have created a family that is now out of control. They are fighting with people all the time now, they are even starting to beat me. They've become masters at double-teaming an opponent and their young son gives the final crippling blow, usually gouging the eyes or twisting the testicles. I can't control them any longer," said Mascaras with a quivering voice, "I'm sorry. I feel like Dr. Frankenstein." DD

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