Saturday, December 26, 2009
Denver, Co- Bertha Fluppins was hungry Christmas Day and rummaged through her freezer for something to eat. She wasn't in the mood for the frozen pot pie or the pepperoni french bread pizza, but she came across a package of fish sticks covered in ice at the back of the freezer.
"I don't remember ever buying fish sticks," said Fluppins, "they must have been in there for quite some time. The box was covered in ice and was actually stuck to the back wall of the freezer. I pulled it out and tried to find some sort of expiration date on it, but I couldn't find any. The Lord works in mysterious ways, I never got a chance to eat the darn things, which is good because it probably would've killed me."
Fluppins, undeterred by her hunger, decided to fry up the ancient fish sticks and eat them for lunch. She tossed them in a frying pan, and luckily had the heat up too high, burning most of the fish sticks beyond edible form. Of the six she attempted to cook, only one was only slightly burned, and when she turned it over to cover it in ketchup, she made her amazing discovery.
"I was about to shove the whole thing in my mouth, and just before I did, I took a quick look at it. I did a double take. It was Jesus staring back at me from the bottom of the fish stick! I couldn't believe it! I licked off the ketchup, and held it up to the light, wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but no, there it was plain as day, Jesus. On his birthday of all days."
Fluppins thinks it was devine intervention and believes that Jesus actually saved her life. The expiration date on the box was faded, but was found to be April 1983.
"I think Ms. Fluppins is very lucky that she didn't ingest that toxic fish stick. I don't think she would have been around to celebrate this holiday or any future holidays if she had," said her doctor, Dean Romano," I am hesitant to think Jesus stepped in here. I am more inclined to blame Fluppins's lousy cooking abilities that actually saved her life.
She sees Jesus, and you know what, more power to her. I kind of see John Phillips from "The Mamas & the Papas". I'm not a religious man, but I guess we should all be happy that it was Jesus she saw, because if it was John Phillips it might have gotten her addicted to heroin and then molested her for the next 10 years." DD
Thursday, December 17, 2009
HERE WE ARE AGAIN, ONE WEEK AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS. EVERYONE IS TRIMMING THEIR TREES AND GETTING IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, WHERE DID THE TIME GO? YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT OL' SANTA HAS BEEN UP TO SINCE LAST CHRISTMAS.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU, BUT TRUTHFULLY........ IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
WHAT? WHAT DID SANTA JUST SAY? THAT'S RIGHT I'M IN A FOUL MOOD THIS YEAR.
PEOPLE ARE MISERABLE, THE ECONOMY IS STILL IN DIRE STRAIGHTS, AND MY WIFE IS FAT, I MEAN REALLY FAT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, BECAUSE HER MOM WAS A VERY, VERY LARGE WOMAN.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, WHO THE HECK IS HE TO CALL ANYONE ELSE FAT. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, I AM FAT, BUT GUESS WHAT, I'M FREAKIN' SANTA CLAUS!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FAT, THAT'S MY THING, IT'S WHAT THE JOB CALLS FOR, AND BY THE WAY, I WAS FAT WHEN I MET HER. SHE WASN'T. FAR FROM IT AS A MATTER OF FACT. SHE WAS LEAN AND TRIM. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
WHATEVER, LET'S MOVE ON.
YOU MAY BE A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THIS YEAR IN WHAT YOU FIND UNDER YOUR TREE. WE'VE ALSO FELT THE FINANCIAL STING OF A DOWN ECONOMY AND BEEN FORCED TO "TIGHTEN OUR BELTS" AND CUT CORNERS.
THE Wii FIT THAT YOU ASKED FOR IS BEING REPLACED WITH A JUMP ROPE. YOU WANT AN INTERACTIVE GAME, WELL HERE YOU GO. START JUMPING.
THE iPOD YOU'RE EXPECTING WILL NOT BE APPEARING IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WILL? A PLASTIC KAZOO AND A TAMBOURINE.
GO TO TOWN. MAKE AS MUCH MUSIC AS YOU WANT.
DON'T LOOK TOO HARD FOR THAT KINDLE UNDER THE TREE, BECAUSE YOU MAY NOT FIND IT. BUT I HAVE A FEELING YOU'LL COME ACROSS YOUR OLD LIBRARY CARD THAT I HAD RE-LAMINATED AND WRAPPED UP SPECIAL FOR YOU. READ AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!! WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU WANT!!
THE KIDS MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY CONFUSED WITH THEIR PRESENTS CHRISTMAS MORNING AS WELL.
WE DECORATED A BUNCH OF OLD SOCKS WITH FACES AND MADE SOME DARN TERRIFIC HAND PUPPETS FOR THEM! (SOME OF THE SOCKS EVEN GOT WASHED AFTER WE USED THEM.)
WE ALSO MADE REALLY CUTE CATERPILLARS OUT OF EGG CARTONS AND PIPE CLEANERS THAT THE KIDS ARE GONNA GO CRAZY FOR.
WE'RE GETTING BACK TO BASICS THIS YEAR.
WE'RE STARTING OVER.
REMEMBER IT'S FAR BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE ANYWAY, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
IN TIMES LIKE THESE, BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND BE GLAD THAT YOU'RE NOT HO-HO- HOMELESS.
REMEMBER, I'LL BE WATCHING......
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Not every woman that Tiger Woods meets jumps into bed with him. Meet Hortense MacTavish, a woman who simply said "No".
As the list of women who had affairs with married professional golfer Eldrick "Tiger" Woods grows longer by the day, it is refreshing to hear of a woman who was not impressed with one of the richest and most famous men in the world.
Ms. MacTavish, a waitress at a pub in Turnberry, Scotland, was insulted and rather enraged that the golfer would even think he had a chance with her.
"I'm not that easy sweetheart, I told him. He offered me a lot of money to come back to his hotel. I said, 'who the hell do you think you're talkin' too?' I mean really, do women really fall for that crap? I can do so much better than that bloke. What a little baby he was, I don't think he's used to being turned down. He had a break down right at the table for Lord's sake," said MacTavish.
Woods met Ms.MacTavish back in July in between rounds while playing in the British Open and immediately tried to seduce her.
"He ordered a cobb salad with dressing on the side, and before I could ask him if he'd like something to drink he's already puttin' the moves on me like I'm some slutty little tart. The nerve of him! I'm a respectable woman, I don't go for those types of shenanigans. Besides, he's not my type, he reminds me of Bugs Bunny, weak chin and big teeth."
Woods was not used to rejection and went back to have one of the worst rounds of golf he had ever played, and ultimately missed the cut for only the second time in his career. Whether or not these two events are related is pure speculation, but there may be something to the notion that Tiger needs sex before he plays.
"Every golfer on the tour has a routine that he adheres to before playing a round. John Daly eats a triple cheeseburger and washes it down with 3 shots of Jim Beam. Phil Mickelson watches old Marx Brothers movies to loosen up. Sergio Garcia brushes his teeth for an hour, usually until his gums bleed. Every golfer has something, a ritual if you will, that's done before he heads out to the clubhouse.
Tiger's has always been rampant sex with loose women. He doesn't consider it cheating on his wife, but instead, staying faithful to his golf game. It's just his ritual, that's all. We've seen the devastating effects when he doesn't get his groove on. For all fans out there, including myself, let's hope there aren't any more women like Ms. MacTavish who would put their own selfish behavior in front of millions of adoring Tiger fans who are expecting to watch a great round of golf," said an anonymous PGA official, "ladies, please, give it up, for the good of the game."