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Sunday, September 19, 2010


Shaker Heights, OH- Zbygniew Khrystich, a machinist at nearby Smithson Industries, is a first generation American of Polish-Russian descent who has made his hard-working, immigrant parents proud. A respected union leader and local zoning board member, he and his wife, Elena, are also the proud parents of two teenage daughters, the eldest of which is beginning her sophomore year at Cleveland State this fall. The 52-year old (who could easily pass for a man ten years younger) enjoys a round of golf every Sunday after Mass, weather permitting, with the same three friends he’s known since high school, and their families often vacation together come wintertime. In many ways, he is the personification of the American dream…and yet, he is unhappy.

“For most of my life,” Khrystich explained,” I was plagued by the notion that something was missing from my life, and I’d never know true happiness until I found what it was.” It was only recently, after some sessions with a therapist, that Khrystich began to suspect that the source of his unhappiness: his own name.

“We have a large Italian community here,” he continued, “and when I’d see some of those names- Aiello, Napolitano, Esposito- I would feel a strange sense of unease, as though they were members of a fraternity that would never accept the likes of me.” But Khrystich credits Dr. Shlomo Mendelbaum, his psychologist, with helping him unlock the mystery. “Now I know that it is my deep-rooted envy of their melodious, vowel-enriched names that has made me unhappy all these years.”

“Ziggy, as I like to call him,” explains Dr. Mendelbaum, “has harbored such deep resentment all these years toward these people, despite their outward kindness and acceptance of him in the community as one of their own.” Even his wife, Elena, by all accounts a devoted wife and loving mother, has stirred his sense of unrest. “She has more vowels in her name than consonants,” Dr. Mendelbaum explained. “It’s almost unfair.”

Further complicating the matter is the fact that Khrystich’s parents, Thaddeusz and Ludzmilla, are alive and well and living nearby, and would be horrified if their beloved Zbygniew attempted to distance himself from his ancestry. “Every Christmas it’s the same- pierogies and borscht, pierogies and borscht,” Khrystich continued, becoming more animated. “Do you have any idea what that looks like when it’s all on the same plate? I’m tired of food that looks like something hacked up by a bulimic Cossack. Christ, I’d give my left nut for a lousy slice of turkey.”

But Dr. Helmut Dinckelacker, another local psychologist who once treated Khrystich, begs to differ. “I don’t think it is ze lack of vowels,” he explained in his heavily accented English, “so much as it is ze abundance of consonants zat is ze problem. I suggested to him zat perhaps he drop an ‘h’ or two from ze surname, or maybe even change ze ‘y’s’ to ‘i’s’, but he just called me an idiot and stormed out.” Dr. Dinckelacker then shook his head and sighed. “Without even paying ze bill, I might add.”

When asked for a reply to Dr. Dinckelacker’s comments, Dr. Mendelbaum was unimpressed. “Oh, please. That quack is clueless; his patients never stop calling me. In fact, I’m thinking of naming the 3,000 square foot extension I’m building on my house ‘The Dinckelacker Wing,’ with all the business I’ve gotten from him over the years.”

Khrystich, for his part, seems resigned to his fate. “Well, Dad just had a checkup, and his cholesterol’s lower than mine, so it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” he said with a sigh. “And both of Mom’s parents lived well into their nineties, so it looks like I’m stuck for now. But once they kick, you’ll be able to find me in the Yellow Pages under ‘Alopecia Areata.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Tammy Collins updated her Facebook status to let everyone know her plans to call in sick to work and head to the beach.

Miss Collins's history of giving out too much information on her status updates have become legendary, and have usually resulted in some sort of backlash against her.

The following are samples of some of her posts over the past year:

Jan, 1 2010 (10:07 am)- Tammy Collins can't believe I had sex with the valet parker guy at last night's New Year's Party in the back of that crappy Subaru- Hope Dan doesn't find out. LOL

This post led to the subsequent divorce of Tammy Collins from Daniel Slater, who read her status 7 minutes after she posted it. It also contributed to the firing of Enrique Vega from his job at Villa Roma catering hall, and the lawsuit filed by the Hoffmans, owners of the Subaru.

Mar, 10 2010 (1:31 pm)- Tammy Collins hates her job as hostess at The Blue Water Bistro on West Elm Street. You wouldn't believe how filthy the kitchen is. YUK !!!! OMG-They reuse food there from people who didn't finish their meals. DISGUSTING!!!

Miss Collins was promptly fired 3 hours later when she arrived at the restaurant by the manager, who was alerted of the post by one of the waitresses. An inspector from the local Board of Health made a surprise visit 2 days later, and the restaurant was closed by the end of the week.

May, 22 2010 (4:16 pm)- Tammy Collins is having a horrible time at her neighbor Tanya Moseley's BBQ. Too many black people here. I feel like I'm in a Spike Lee movie, I think I'm the only whitey LOL. I can't wait to get the heck out of here.

Tanya Moseley received an alert on her Blackberry a few minutes later and immediately threw Miss Collins out of her backyard, and hasn't spoken to her since. Tanya Moseley had been used by Miss Collins as a reference for a job interview, and, well, you can imagine how that phone conversation went.

Jun 6, 2010 (9:34 am)- Tammy Collins is so looking forward to her 10 yr H.S. reunion tonight. I hope that Christina (the bitch) Morales and Julie (the ugly slut) Fitzpatrick aren't there. GOD I HATED THEM SOOOO MUCH !!!

Christina Morales Carpenter and Julie Fitzpatrick were, in fact, in attendance at the McKinley High School Ten Year Reunion at the Summit Hotel and Conference Center. The evening did not go as planned for Miss Collins whose car needed to be towed after it was "mysteriously" given 4 flat tires and a shattered rear window. Julie ("the ugly slut") Fitzpatrick did, however, seem to have a good time that evening, leaving the reunion with Tammy Collins's date, former valet parking attendant, Enrique Vega.

Aug 17, 2010 (8:11 pm)- Tammy Collins cannot believe her cousin Sara's children are such homely and spoiled brats. Just spent the day at their house. WOW these kids are rotten little bastards!!! NO MANNERS... NO PERSONALITY... I'm sorry to say but Sara and her husband Jack aren't much better- I guess you can't blame the kids with parents like that. JK- NOT..LOL

Sara's daughter Tess read the post a few days later. Tess had "friended" her aunt Tammy a few months ago and always checked the status of her favorite aunt. Tess is now in therapy two days a week. Tammy and Sara are no longer speaking.

As of the publishing of this story Tammy Collins was happily spending a lazy day at the beach. Undoubtedly at approximately 9:01 tomorrow morning she will be looking for new employment.

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Florham Park, NJ-   Darrelle Revis has finally ended his months long holdout and accepted a 4 year contract from the NY Jets. The star cornerback and his agent had previously turned down several prior offers from the Jets, leading some to speculate that he would hold out and not play at all this season.

Although Revis was asking for over $16 million per year, he settled for $46 million over the 4 years, with $32 million of it guaranteed, which breaks down to....well....4 into 46, 11....and carry the...oh whatever, let's just say it's a lot more than you and I make and we'll call it a day.

In a Daily Drivel exclusive, we were able to get a copy of the demands made by Revis and his agent:

I, Darrelle Shavar Revis, do make the following requests from the New York Jets:

1. $16 million per year for a minimum of 4 years ( Half of which must be guaranteed).

2. The owner of the team, Mr. Robert Wood Johnson IV, must learn to say and spell my name, and stop referring to me as, "Darryl Rivers" and "Dontrelle Willis". It would be especially helpful when I try to cash paychecks.

3. Please have  Rex Ryan wear clothes at ALL TIMES. If he needs to shower or take a soak in the hot tub, do it at home, or at least 1 hr AFTER all players, personnel, their families, and generally anyone with sight, has left the premises.

4. I need Joe Namath to stop "hawking" my ladies when I bring them around, which includes my mom, aunt and grandmother. This ain't the 1970's any more, the cat is creeping us all the hell out.

5. Please have fire marshall Bill or Ed, removed from his seat on the 50 yard line, and placed in one of the upper seats. He's way too annoying. Weird, I guess there's never any fires on Sundays?? We need to look into that.

6. Talk to Gov. Patterson about changing the name of Long Island to "Revis Island". If not, Long Island, then perhaps, Staten Island or at the very least- Randall's Island.

7. Find out once and for all if Joe Namath is wearing a wig. That is way too much hair for a man pushing 70 years old.  And I really need him to stay away from my ladies. Did I mention that?

8. I like Mark Sanchez, but see if Peyton Manning is available. Come on Mr. Johnson, use some of that baby shampoo fortune your granddaddy left you and get us a proven winner.
Joe Namath pretending to listen to Rex Ryan,
while watching a young woman adjust her top.

(The rest of the demands are unprintable in a family publication.)

With the two sides finally coming together, the team can now concentrate on the upcoming season, instead of off field distractions. The season opens Monday night Sept 13th against the Baltimore Ravens, and Darrelle Revis and the Jets should be ready for the challenge.

When asked if Revis being on the field will change the game plan for the Ravens, Linebacker Ray Lewis had this to say:

"Helllll Nooooo. No excuses now when we whip their asses. They have all their players, good for them, they're gonna need them. Revis and Buttheads. I like that, it has a nice ring. Almost as nice as my Superbowl ring. Game on son."

The signing of Revis insures the Jets of having the premier cornerback in the league locked up for the next 4 years. Will he and the Jets live up to all the hype? Only time will tell. The first test is Monday night.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)