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Thursday, October 21, 2010


Lexington, Ky-  Mr. Ernest Jurgens, an english teacher at Lafayette High School in Lexington, Kentucky, has a new topic this semester in his English Lit class. Mr.Jurgens, who tries to keep his finger on the pulse of pop culture in order to connect with his students, is attempting to teach and analyze rap lyrics with his students.

"I'm down, yo, with the lingo," mused Mr. Jurgens, in the extremely uncomfortable way a 48 yr old white man sounds when trying to act hip.

"I know what's cool, I was a teenager once too, you know," said Jurgens, "if I think outside the box, it will interest the kids, and BOOYAH, we've got some learnin' goin' on in this shizzle."

When asked what a shizzle was, Jurgens shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "it's all relative, nobody quite knows what most of these words mean, in this case I'm assuming shizzle to mean my classroom. You see, I'm speaking to them just like they speak to each other. I'm breaking ground here, be-yotch."

Jurgens first class of the day Monday morning was asked to analyze lyrics from the Eminem song, 'Love the way you lie', as read by the teacher in a cringe- inducing attempt to sound ghetto-

"I told you this was my fault, look me in the eyeball,
Next time I'm pissed I'll lay my fist at the dry wall,
Next time, there won't be no next time,
I apologize even though I know it's lies,
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back,
I know I'm a liar, If she ever tries to f#*%in' leave again,
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."

Jurgens, tucking his shirt back in his pants after getting all worked up, asked for volunteers to analyze "this modern day urban poem" as he called it.

The students, doing their best not to laugh, looked around at each other until one brave student raised his hand.

"I think,  he has a really bad temper, and he, um, hits his girlfriend, and I guess lies about it," said the student.

"That's right Kyle, or better yet, fo shizzle my nizzle. He is angry with his girlfriend, or ho, and gets physical with her and, yes, then he lies. But to whom? Her? The authorities? Himself?" Maybe a little of all three, huh, Kyle," said Jurgens with a smug look on his face.

Jurgens next tackled the Jay-Z song, '99 Problems'-

"If your havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
(dramatic pause by Mr. Jurgens, as he put on a Yankees cap and turned it to the side)
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe

 got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."

"Who is going to tell us, what some of the problems are facing this young man, or should I say, gangsta?" asked Jurgens.

A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "I think he grew up poor, and now he has money, so people want to shoot him or something."

"That's right, Brittany, very good. He's dealing with jealousy from other young men, who, perhaps are still living in poverty, or the 'hood'.  He's also dealing with violence, racism, and negative stereotypes, but apparently he has no problems finding women, because the bitch ain't one. Anyone else have anything to add?"

The class was silent.

After the class was dimissed, Jurgens was aked why he chose to dissect rap songs for his English class.

"I'm trying to keep them interested, there's only so much Shakespeare and Dickens that a teen mind can tolerate, it's boring to them. Heck, it's boring to me as well, I've been teaching the same damn books for 25 years. I've always found music to be the common ground that bridges the generation gap, so I mix it in. This year it's rap, yo," said Jurgens attempting to pose with arms folded," wait until they see the song that I picked for the mid-term, 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-lot. That song is rich with subtle nuances and playful double entendres. Let's see what kind of essays the kids can come up with for that one.  I can't wait, it'll be off the hook."

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Sesame Street-  Katy Perry's appearance did not air on Sesame Street, as producers deemed her attire inappropriate for the 'Sesame Street image'.

The singer's sexy outfit, while much more subdued than her usual attire, seems to have caused quite a reaction with several of the muppets.

Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, even Oscar the Grouch have all been acting erratically since the Katy Perry guest spot, especially around women.

"I can't even walk down the street without getting catcalls and comments from some of them lately. I expect that from Cookie, he's as horny as they come, but I'm shocked that Elmo is acting this way. I always thought he was gay," said Abby Cadabby.

Things came to a head yesterday, when Tyra Banks made a surprise visit to Sesame Street. The sight of the beautiful model and talk show host in skin tight jeans turned some of the muppets into uncontrollable libidinous creatures.

"Elmo suddenly has weird feeling in area below Elmo's stomach. Elmo first felt like this when singing with pretty Katy Perry. Elmo's fur is getting tight. Elmo must have you Tyra Banks," shrieked Elmo in his high pitched falsetto, as he pounced on Banks, kissing her ears and neck.

"Me make love to you woman! Me so horny! Ummm numm numm numm," joined in Cookie Monster, "you make me want to change my name to Nookie Monster."

"Bring her over here, I want to get her in the can," bellowed Oscar the Grouch.

Grover was removing his 'Super Grover' cape and helmet, and was about to join the furry orgy, when luckily, Bob McGrath, Luis, and several members of the crew were able to intervene before any damage was done.

"In over 40 years, I can assure you, I've never seen them act this way before," said a confused Bob McGrath, "we've had plenty of nice women of the program before, but none have aroused the muppets quite like this. I guess that Katy Perry appearance really stirred them up. Poor timing on Tyra's part, I guess we should have had Joan Rivers or Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan on, I doubt the muppets would have attacked either of them."

Order has been temporarily restored to the one time "safest street in America". Several of the muppets are undergoing counselling, and one muppet in particular, Cookie Monster, has been placed in a clinic for Sexual Addicts.
For now, the producers are sticking with guests who are less likely to evoke such strong reactions from the cast.
"Bob Costas, Ellen DeGeneres, Howie Mandel, these types of personalities. We'll play it safe, for now. I don't think booking Sofia Vergara from the show 'Modern Family' is such a good idea at this time," said a producer, "that woman might cause a relapse in some of them, especially Cookie."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)


New Paltz, NY-  A white plastic bag stuck high on a tree limb tries to pass the time by thinking about memories from a not so distant past. A past when it was important and actually served a purpose.

"I came home with them [the Prescott family] from Mega mart, and I was a valuable member of their family for quite some time. I was the one that carried Cassie's art project to school, and Mrs. P told her, 'honey please bring home that bag'. And she did," said the bag.

"I was the holder of little Teddy's stained underwear when he had the accident at the park. Poor, embarrassed little Teddy, I saved the day," remembered the bag, as its voice was reduced to a saddened whisper.

The bag has been stuck in the tree for the last 2 weeks, and knows that the fall season brings much heavier winds.

"The winds are really starting to pick up. This is going to end in one of 2 ways," said the bag, "either a strong wind carries me right off this branch to freedom or, gulp, I get ripped apart and become several pieces of plastic blowing all around. Obviously I'm rooting against the latter."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)


Montecito, Ca-  Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested this week as trespassers in a home that they no longer own. Allegedly, the Quaids caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Montecito, California home, breaking expensive mirrors and replacing them with pictures of themselves. According to court documents, the Quaids sold their former home to a movie studio exec named Bruce Berman, back in 1991.
Why, almost 20 years later, the Quaids suddenly believe this home to be magically back in their ownership is anyone's guess.
It does, however, follow a bizarre pattern the couple has undertaken in the past decade or so:

2000- Randy Quaid stormed behind the counter of a local pizzeria in Santa Barbara demanding free spaghetti and meatballs, claiming that he sold the owner of the restaurant ten dozen tomatoes grown on his property that he was never compensated for.
"This goddamn sketty sauce was made with my goddamn pa-matoes, and me and the missus are sure as hell gonna have some!" screamed Quaid to a basically empty restaurant, "my goddamn pa-matoes. Did you hear me? If you stiff a Quaid you'd better expect to pay the piper."
The owner of the restaurant, Luigi Pantangelo, tried to placate the outraged Quaid by giving him a free pot of spaghetti and meatballs to make him go away.
"I dunno who a this nutjob is, and I a don't care. I want him outta my pizzeria. Bad for business to have a nutjob like a this screaming. I buy a my tomatoes from a da same company I buy all a my produce. Why I'm gonna buy a tomatoes from some nutjob? From a his backyard? Getta the hell outta my store."

2003- While shopping in Beverly Hills, the Quaids came across a miniature collie tied to a parking meter outside of a clothing store. Evi Quaid untied the leash and the couple walked with the dog while they continued their window shopping. The frantic owner came out of the store and chased the Quaids down the street. The dog's owner, Roz Silverstein, confronted the Quaids and demanded her dog back.
Randy Quaid told Silverstein to "get bent" and refused to return the animal.
"Where I come from, whatever you put at the curb is considered unwanted by the person that put it there. If we put an old chair at the curb, have at it. If we put an unwanted rug at the curb, enjoy it. Do you see what I'm saying? Same theory applies here, as far as I'm concerned. You put a nice little poochie at the curb, someone's gonna take it. And  guess what? We did. Evi wanted it, so, that as they say, is that," said Quaid to the crowd that had gathered around. Beverly Hills police arrived and immediately made the Quaids return the dog to Silverstein. A publicist for Quaid released a brief statement saying the incident was just a minor misunderstanding.

2005-  Quaid accosts an 11 yr old boy riding a red Schwinn bicycle down Bear Valley Pkwy in Escondido, Ca. Quaid determines that this is the same bicycle that was stolen from him 40 years prior. The fact that Quaid grew up in Houston, Texas and this was Escondido, Ca, did not seem to faze the actor, nor did the fact that this was a new bike, obviously not 40 years old.
"You can try and change things, hell, you can replace every single part on the bike, which is obviously what they did, but I know what I know. I'd know that ol' Sting-Ray from a mile away, I loved that goddamn bike. You can't fool a Quaid. We're reunited and it feels so good."
The bike was, in fact, a Sting Ray, which had been discontinued for more than 30 years, and had just returned to the market in 2004.  The style of the bike was totally updated from that of its predecessor, but Quaid was undeterred in his belief that this was his old bike. He pushed the young boy to the ground and hopped onto the 20" juvenile bike, whose frame immediately bent under the weight of the 260 lb Quaid.
"They ruined my old Sting-Ray! Ruined her! They changed everything! Why? Why? Why?" sobbed Quaid.
Quaid settled out of court on an undisclosed amount with the family of the young boy.

The list of incidents goes on and on, and are much too numerous to list here.

In a day and age when people such as Joaquin Phoenix are pretending to have lost their minds and are trying to dupe an unsuspecting audience, it is refreshing to see the antics of a celebrity who actually is crazy. There are no cameras following around Randy Quaid to document these acts of insanity, and for that we can only say, 'Thank You'.  Keep making us smile big fella.

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)