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Thursday, October 21, 2010


Lexington, Ky-  Mr. Ernest Jurgens, an english teacher at Lafayette High School in Lexington, Kentucky, has a new topic this semester in his English Lit class. Mr.Jurgens, who tries to keep his finger on the pulse of pop culture in order to connect with his students, is attempting to teach and analyze rap lyrics with his students.

"I'm down, yo, with the lingo," mused Mr. Jurgens, in the extremely uncomfortable way a 48 yr old white man sounds when trying to act hip.

"I know what's cool, I was a teenager once too, you know," said Jurgens, "if I think outside the box, it will interest the kids, and BOOYAH, we've got some learnin' goin' on in this shizzle."

When asked what a shizzle was, Jurgens shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "it's all relative, nobody quite knows what most of these words mean, in this case I'm assuming shizzle to mean my classroom. You see, I'm speaking to them just like they speak to each other. I'm breaking ground here, be-yotch."

Jurgens first class of the day Monday morning was asked to analyze lyrics from the Eminem song, 'Love the way you lie', as read by the teacher in a cringe- inducing attempt to sound ghetto-

"I told you this was my fault, look me in the eyeball,
Next time I'm pissed I'll lay my fist at the dry wall,
Next time, there won't be no next time,
I apologize even though I know it's lies,
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back,
I know I'm a liar, If she ever tries to f#*%in' leave again,
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."

Jurgens, tucking his shirt back in his pants after getting all worked up, asked for volunteers to analyze "this modern day urban poem" as he called it.

The students, doing their best not to laugh, looked around at each other until one brave student raised his hand.

"I think,  he has a really bad temper, and he, um, hits his girlfriend, and I guess lies about it," said the student.

"That's right Kyle, or better yet, fo shizzle my nizzle. He is angry with his girlfriend, or ho, and gets physical with her and, yes, then he lies. But to whom? Her? The authorities? Himself?" Maybe a little of all three, huh, Kyle," said Jurgens with a smug look on his face.

Jurgens next tackled the Jay-Z song, '99 Problems'-

"If your havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
(dramatic pause by Mr. Jurgens, as he put on a Yankees cap and turned it to the side)
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe

 got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."

"Who is going to tell us, what some of the problems are facing this young man, or should I say, gangsta?" asked Jurgens.

A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "I think he grew up poor, and now he has money, so people want to shoot him or something."

"That's right, Brittany, very good. He's dealing with jealousy from other young men, who, perhaps are still living in poverty, or the 'hood'.  He's also dealing with violence, racism, and negative stereotypes, but apparently he has no problems finding women, because the bitch ain't one. Anyone else have anything to add?"

The class was silent.

After the class was dimissed, Jurgens was aked why he chose to dissect rap songs for his English class.

"I'm trying to keep them interested, there's only so much Shakespeare and Dickens that a teen mind can tolerate, it's boring to them. Heck, it's boring to me as well, I've been teaching the same damn books for 25 years. I've always found music to be the common ground that bridges the generation gap, so I mix it in. This year it's rap, yo," said Jurgens attempting to pose with arms folded," wait until they see the song that I picked for the mid-term, 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-lot. That song is rich with subtle nuances and playful double entendres. Let's see what kind of essays the kids can come up with for that one.  I can't wait, it'll be off the hook."

DD (Betty Diddit reporting)

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