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Monday, November 8, 2010


Memphis, TN-  Fred Bickle feels like a modern day David who tried to fight back against Goliath. Unlike the Biblical David, this version didn't stand a chance in a fight with a Goliath represented by high priced lawyers.

Bickle started a local delivery company using the name Fred Ex, and the slogan, "The Whirl on Time" which is a not so subtle twist on Fedex's "The World on Time". It is unclear what exactly is meant by the term 'whirl on time', and Bickle gave a cryptic response:

"We all know that a whirl goes fast, don't we? Well, I'm doing that, and I'm also doing it on time. Plain and simple. I'm certainly not copying their lame slogan, I didn't even know they had a slogan," said Bickle.

It would appear that the global delivery company has a justified case of copyright infringement and a ruling by the Tennessee State Court recently confirmed as much, ordering Bickle to stop using the name and slogan immediately.

"Why would a billion dollar company give two hoots about a guy making local deliveries in the back of a beat up van? I shouldn't even be a blip on their radar," said Bickle.

The Fred Ex delivery business is just the latest failure in a long line of them for Bickle, which have included: Mr. Field's Cookies, Kentucky Fried Turkey and Motel 7.

"I'm not a man who gives up easily, I have this van that I plan to put to use. I'm thinking of painting it brown and calling it "DOWNS", which stands for Delivery of Whatever's Needed Service.  I'd like to see them attempt to sue me over that one. I already have a catch phrase ready- What can Down do for you? Now, that, is original, if I do say so myself."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


 Hello Schmucks, Madoff here.  First let me say, our cell block Halloween Party was a smashing success. I'd like to thank Darryl for his help with the decorations, Earl for his assistance with the food, and Garnett for his sewing skills with the costumes. I couldn't have done it without you fine gentlemen. Kudos to you all.

Also, I'd like to thank Corrections Officer Manell for judging our "Dancing Behind The Bars" contest, and to our winning couple, Lamar and Manfredo, congratulations gentlemen, your tango was perfect. For a few fleeting moments I felt like I was enjoying an evening in a club in Buenos Aires, instead of this flea bitten hell hole. Thanks to all who pitched in, which really added to the success of the whole event. Of course old Bernie did most of the work, which appears to be par for the course in here, but that's neither here nor there. Happy to do it.

     Now, that I've said that, let's delve into some of the other not so nice business that must and will be addressed. Someone is stealing from me. Ironic as that statement sounds, it happens to be true. Some of you reading this are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your heads at Madoff complaining about being ripped off. Well, to you I say, go invest your money with Morgan Stanley, and then we'll talk about who is the bigger thief. Anyway, back to my particular plight. Besides my wife Ruth and a bowl of creamy rice pudding there are a scant few things left in my life that I really give a crap about. I had 3 things in here that kept me sane in a world of utter insanity in this vile cement jungle:

1) a tattered copy of the book "Goodnight Moon"
2) a slightly rusted metal slinky (my first toy)
3) a 1938 wheat penny (the year of my birth)

One by one, all 3 of these items have disappeared. This does not make Bernie very happy.  None of these items are worth anything to the incarcerated animal that took them, but to me, they mean the world.
My bedtime ritual consists of: fending off potential sodomists with slick double talk, a little play with the slinky, a flip of the penny for good luck, and a reading of Goodnight Moon....

"Goodnight comb, Goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody and Goodnight mush."

Then off to sleep.This has been my nightly ritual for as far back as I can remember (minus the sodomy of course, although Ruth and I did experiment a little now and again, but that is neither here nor there). Don't judge me, you too, I'm sure,  have some nightly ritual that you do to get to sleep. You know who you are, so you know where Bernie is coming from. Just because I've been imprisoned does not mean I have to change all my habits. Well, that is, until some sub-human decided to take what was mine.

I cannot sleep.  Bernie cannot function without sleep. Some can, and I'm jealous of those that can, but I cannot.  I am asking the confused person or persons who has stolen these items from me to please return them. No questions asked. There may be a financial reward if the offending party returns these treasures to me. Am I broke? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. The only way to find out is the safe return of these items.
Until then, Madoff will be pacing his cell, not sleeping.
Madoff out

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Freak and The Beard Help The Giants Win The World Series

Arlington, TX- The Giants won the World Series in 1954 with the help of players like,'The Say Hey Kid', Hoot and Hoyt, Windy and Dusty. They dominated the Cleveland Indians in that World Series, sweeping them in 4 games. Most baseball analysts expected many more championships from that team, but it never happened. The Giants moved from the Pologrounds in New York to San Francisco in the year 1958, the colorful nicknames slowly disappeared or retired, and the World Series crown has eluded them ever since.

The Freak
 Since their move in 1958, the Giants have played in 3 World Series, losing them all : 1962 to the Yankees, 1989 to the A's, 2002 to the Angels. While there have been numerous talented players on the Giants roster over the years, players like: Willie McCovey, Jack Clark, Will Clark and Barry Bonds, they could never seem to win the whole thing. Until now.

The Beard
 "The 2010 Giants finally won the World Series, defeating the Rangers in 5 games, not because they had more talent, but because they had much better nicknames. Just like they did in 1954. They haven't had that in 55 years," said baseball announcer Joe Buck, "over the years they've had -Barry Bonds, Will Clark, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, great players with boring names.  Now they have 'The Freak' [Tim Lincecum] and 'The Beard' [Brian Wilson]. As far as the Rangers, they didn't stand a chance with players named- Cliff Lee, Josh Hamilton and , yawn, Michael Young. They really need to add some punch to those names if they want to compete with these guys. "

Along with The Freak and The Beard, the Giants have a rookie catcher with a porn star's name- Buster Posey,  a journeyman 1st baseman with a name that sounds like a spoiled little school girl- Aubrey Huff, and a 3rd baseman  called- 'Kung Fu Panda' [Pablo Sandoval] who also goes by the nickname, 'The Round Mound of Pound'. The Giants are rich with colorful names, and most teams cannot compete with that.

"The names on this team sound like cartoon names from the 1970's. I can imagine a show on Saturday morning 1976, with names like these airing right after "Hong Kong Phooey" and "The Great Grape Ape".  That's what makes this team so unstoppable," said announcer Tim McCarver, "The poor Rangers didn't stand a chance, it was almost unfair. I think if Kung Fu Panda hadn't been in a slump and had played the whole Series, the Rangers would have been swept."

DD (Wilma Pantzfit reporting)