THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

 Hello Schmucks, Madoff here.  First let me say, our cell block Halloween Party was a smashing success. I'd like to thank Darryl for his help with the decorations, Earl for his assistance with the food, and Garnett for his sewing skills with the costumes. I couldn't have done it without you fine gentlemen. Kudos to you all.

Also, I'd like to thank Corrections Officer Manell for judging our "Dancing Behind The Bars" contest, and to our winning couple, Lamar and Manfredo, congratulations gentlemen, your tango was perfect. For a few fleeting moments I felt like I was enjoying an evening in a club in Buenos Aires, instead of this flea bitten hell hole. Thanks to all who pitched in, which really added to the success of the whole event. Of course old Bernie did most of the work, which appears to be par for the course in here, but that's neither here nor there. Happy to do it.

     Now, that I've said that, let's delve into some of the other not so nice business that must and will be addressed. Someone is stealing from me. Ironic as that statement sounds, it happens to be true. Some of you reading this are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your heads at Madoff complaining about being ripped off. Well, to you I say, go invest your money with Morgan Stanley, and then we'll talk about who is the bigger thief. Anyway, back to my particular plight. Besides my wife Ruth and a bowl of creamy rice pudding there are a scant few things left in my life that I really give a crap about. I had 3 things in here that kept me sane in a world of utter insanity in this vile cement jungle:

1) a tattered copy of the book "Goodnight Moon"
2) a slightly rusted metal slinky (my first toy)
3) a 1938 wheat penny (the year of my birth)

One by one, all 3 of these items have disappeared. This does not make Bernie very happy.  None of these items are worth anything to the incarcerated animal that took them, but to me, they mean the world.
My bedtime ritual consists of: fending off potential sodomists with slick double talk, a little play with the slinky, a flip of the penny for good luck, and a reading of Goodnight Moon....

"Goodnight comb, Goodnight brush, Goodnight nobody and Goodnight mush."

Then off to sleep.This has been my nightly ritual for as far back as I can remember (minus the sodomy of course, although Ruth and I did experiment a little now and again, but that is neither here nor there). Don't judge me, you too, I'm sure,  have some nightly ritual that you do to get to sleep. You know who you are, so you know where Bernie is coming from. Just because I've been imprisoned does not mean I have to change all my habits. Well, that is, until some sub-human decided to take what was mine.

I cannot sleep.  Bernie cannot function without sleep. Some can, and I'm jealous of those that can, but I cannot.  I am asking the confused person or persons who has stolen these items from me to please return them. No questions asked. There may be a financial reward if the offending party returns these treasures to me. Am I broke? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. The only way to find out is the safe return of these items.
Until then, Madoff will be pacing his cell, not sleeping.
Madoff out