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Thursday, September 9, 2010


Florham Park, NJ-   Darrelle Revis has finally ended his months long holdout and accepted a 4 year contract from the NY Jets. The star cornerback and his agent had previously turned down several prior offers from the Jets, leading some to speculate that he would hold out and not play at all this season.

Although Revis was asking for over $16 million per year, he settled for $46 million over the 4 years, with $32 million of it guaranteed, which breaks down to....well....4 into 46, 11....and carry the...oh whatever, let's just say it's a lot more than you and I make and we'll call it a day.

In a Daily Drivel exclusive, we were able to get a copy of the demands made by Revis and his agent:

I, Darrelle Shavar Revis, do make the following requests from the New York Jets:

1. $16 million per year for a minimum of 4 years ( Half of which must be guaranteed).

2. The owner of the team, Mr. Robert Wood Johnson IV, must learn to say and spell my name, and stop referring to me as, "Darryl Rivers" and "Dontrelle Willis". It would be especially helpful when I try to cash paychecks.

3. Please have  Rex Ryan wear clothes at ALL TIMES. If he needs to shower or take a soak in the hot tub, do it at home, or at least 1 hr AFTER all players, personnel, their families, and generally anyone with sight, has left the premises.

4. I need Joe Namath to stop "hawking" my ladies when I bring them around, which includes my mom, aunt and grandmother. This ain't the 1970's any more, the cat is creeping us all the hell out.

5. Please have fire marshall Bill or Ed, removed from his seat on the 50 yard line, and placed in one of the upper seats. He's way too annoying. Weird, I guess there's never any fires on Sundays?? We need to look into that.

6. Talk to Gov. Patterson about changing the name of Long Island to "Revis Island". If not, Long Island, then perhaps, Staten Island or at the very least- Randall's Island.

7. Find out once and for all if Joe Namath is wearing a wig. That is way too much hair for a man pushing 70 years old.  And I really need him to stay away from my ladies. Did I mention that?

8. I like Mark Sanchez, but see if Peyton Manning is available. Come on Mr. Johnson, use some of that baby shampoo fortune your granddaddy left you and get us a proven winner.
Joe Namath pretending to listen to Rex Ryan,
while watching a young woman adjust her top.

(The rest of the demands are unprintable in a family publication.)

With the two sides finally coming together, the team can now concentrate on the upcoming season, instead of off field distractions. The season opens Monday night Sept 13th against the Baltimore Ravens, and Darrelle Revis and the Jets should be ready for the challenge.

When asked if Revis being on the field will change the game plan for the Ravens, Linebacker Ray Lewis had this to say:

"Helllll Nooooo. No excuses now when we whip their asses. They have all their players, good for them, they're gonna need them. Revis and Buttheads. I like that, it has a nice ring. Almost as nice as my Superbowl ring. Game on son."

The signing of Revis insures the Jets of having the premier cornerback in the league locked up for the next 4 years. Will he and the Jets live up to all the hype? Only time will tell. The first test is Monday night.

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

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