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Thursday, November 26, 2009


Walter Haynes will not be asked to bring his side dishes to next year's Thanksgiving feast, or any other gathering for that matter. Haynes, who had never cooked before yesterday, decided to take on the monumental task of providing the accompaniments to this year's turkey at his neighbor's house.

"We extend the invitation to several neighbors every year who have family out of state and would normally spend the day alone. We may have to rethink that plan after this year's debacle," said Dennis McGuire.

Haynes was extremely excited by the invitation and wanted to pitch in and help with the festivities.

"He called Monday and said he really wanted to help and bring something. I suggested some wine or perhaps an apple pie, but he demanded to make all the side dishes. I tried to talk Walter out of it, but he was very adamant about it. I assumed that he had made these dishes before. I found out after sampling them that he had never cooked a dish in his life," said a disgusted Debbie McGuire.

Without a recipe or a plan Haynes went to the supermarket late Wednesday night, wandering up and down the aisles, picking random items and tossing them in his cart.

"I was watching this guy, and I could tell he didn't have a clue," said stockboy Jason "Dutch" Winters, "I figured his wife sent him and he forgot his list, because he was just wandering around for about an hour scratching his head and mumbling to himself. He put back as many items as he picked up. Poor guy, totally clueless."

Haynes destroyed his family's kitchen while creating the three side dishes which were ultimately brought to the McGuire's Thanksgiving dinner. The dishes consisted of: canned and burned brussel sprouts over a layer of unseasoned mashed turnips, a loaf of unsweetened cranberry sprinkled with an unknown cheese, and some sort of pulverized eggplant and uncooked rice dish that may or may not have contained spam.

"The side dishes were a disgrace," said enraged neighbor Vic Tuttle, " I wouldn't feed a pig that slop. Several neighbors got sick. My wife threw up that eggplant mess all over the McGuire's new rug. It was terrible. Terrible. Haynes is a menace! He single handedly ruined Thanksgiving for everyone."

Walter Hayne's wife Gladys and their two daughters, are so embarrassed that they are contemplating moving out of the area.

"We can't show our faces in public after this," sobbed Gladys Haynes, "Walter has embarrassed us yet again. He gets something in that thick skull of his and there's nothing that gets through. We were just recovering from his awful rendition of the National Anthem over the summer at our daughter's softball game when he told everyone he could sing. Now this. The girls and I can't go out in public. I think we'll move in with my parents for awhile and let things cool down."

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