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Wednesday, June 3, 2009



Ill fated variety show 'Nosferatu & Friends' was quickly canceled by fledgling network CW today due to controversy. The show, which centered around ancient ghoulish vampire Nosferatu, was flawed from its inception.

Trying to capitalize on the pop culture fascination with vampires, a few aggressive network executives thought it would be a good idea to build a variety show around one of the oldest vampires in Hollywood.

"They try to do things on the cheap over there at that network. We've seen some bad ideas thrown together with very limited budgets before from them, but this was an all time low. Nosferatu is not a very well known vampire, especially to the target audience of 18-34 that they were gearing it toward. He is also notoriously unpredictable to deal with, that's why no one in the business has worked with him in over 70 years. This is one idea that literally came back to bite them," said Melissa Marconi, executive producer for ABC.

The episodes of the show which aired the past two consecutive Saturdays at 8, were a disaster from the opening scene. Apparently Nosferatu only groans and hisses and makes other inarticulate sounds, and yet they had him attempting to sing a duet with former 'American Idol' contestant William Hung.
Their bizarre rendition of "I'm too sexy" was assumed to be a joke, but came off as creepy. Nosferatu, with unblinking eyes wide open, just stared and groaned at Hung, and slowly inched closer and closer to him as the song progressed, culminating with his claw-like fingers around Hung's throat. The show then quickly cut to commercial never finishing the song. Hung was not seen again on the show after the commercial break, or anywhere else for that matter.

"It was the worst experience of my life," said a production assistant on the show who refused to reveal her name for safety reasons. "They had dance numbers and sketch comedy routines planned, but Nosferatu would not cooperate. In one sketch he was supposed to be a sheriff who comes busting through the door of an old saloon to save a damsel in distress but instead he attacked the woman himself. It was horrible, it took seven stage crew members to pull him off her. I still have nightmares about that."

Another production problem ocurred when the editors realized that Nosferatu only appears in black and white, and all attempts to colorize his performances were unsuccessful, creating a strange and unsettling visual image.
Each episode was supposed to end with the whole cast onstage singing a group song, but no one wanted to get within 10 feet of the menacing vampire.

"I hope he never works in this town again," said co-star Bruce Brickmeier, a veteran actor and singer who has appeared in countless Broadway musicals, "I've never worked with someone so unprofessional in all my years in show business. He couldn't sing, he couldn't dance, he couldn't act, he was useless. It was like working with Tom Arnold all over again."

Nosferatu's career in show business seems to have come to an abrupt end, and he will probably slink back into the shadows where he has been hiding for three quarters of a century. Unless, of course, he turns his attention to producing, where various ghouls, like Harvey Weinstein, have had quite successful careers.
Only Nosferatu knows for sure what his plans are, and as usual, he's not talking.

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