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Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Local idiot, Horace R. Finkle, ruined another celebration this weekend. Wanda Niedermeyer's retirement party was supposed to be a happy occasion, surrounded by family, friends and co-workers. The local VFW hall was packed with guests, who came to help Niedermeyer celebrate her retirement. A photographer was hired to document the events, unfortunately, Horace R. Finkle was up to his old tricks and over half the pictures have to be thrown out.

"That idiot ruins everything," said Niedermeyer's husband Drake," he wasn't even invited, and yet he's in almost every photo. Wanda is so upset, the memory book I bought for the party will only have a handful of nice pictures. I hate that jerk!"

Finkle, it seems, refuses to pose normally for a picture, and is usually making a weird face or doing something extremely stupid, ruining the moment.  His antics have been going on for quite some time, and most of the local residents are fed up with him.

Finkle's refusal to take normal pictures is up for speculation, and Dr. George Levas, a renowned authority on psychological behavior, was consulted regarding this matter. The following is a small portion of the 3 hour response given by Dr. Levas:

"Believe it or not, alcohol only plays a small part in this type of behavior. Yes, it can pronounce and magnify an already existing problem, but this is a classic case of self loathing and an utter contempt for the rules of modern society. Someone like this is uncomfortable in his own skin and, in turn, tries to make those around him uncomfortable as well. This man was probably born with this disorder, and nothing short of a frontal lobotomy will cure him. Extreme? Perhaps. Necessary? Most definitely."

Edna Finkle, Horace's mother, confirms Dr. Levas's theory that he was born with this annoying trait.

"This is nothing new, he's been doing this crap his whole life," said Edna Finkle, "He's been weird since birth, he was even making ridiculous faces in pictures as a newborn. He ruined all the class pictures grades K through 11, and his high school graduation picture was so stupid they refused to use it in the yearbook. Just a blank spot with his name next to it. What a complete idiot. He needs help."

DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)

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