"My intellect has taken a step backward since discovering The Daily Drivel" - Albert Einstein
" When I read it I begin to hate my fellow man. I want to hit something"- Mohandas Gandhi
"A complete abomination. We all weep at its very existence"- Abraham Lincoln
"I wouldn't begin my day without it. I've learned so much." - Lindsay Lohan

Saturday, August 28, 2010


Portland, OR-  Nathan Pitts had a terrible day. He woke up late for work, brushed with his son's toothbrush by mistake, sliced part of his ear lobe while shaving and bit into an apple that was rotten in the middle. All this before 8 am. Little did he know that this would be the best part of his day.

Nathan Pitts, while checking his Blackberry for messages between sales calls, crashed his Toyota Prius into a truck as he carelessly merged onto the expressway. The next thing he remembers is waking up on a gurney in the hospital, and looking into a vaguely familiar face.

"I wasn't sure what happened or where I was exactly. The man in the white doctor's coat standing over me looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. Until he spoke, and then memories from over 25 years ago came flooding back in," said Pitts, "it was the voice of the boy that used to ask me to drop my shoulder so he could copy my answers on the Biology tests in high school. I almost blacked out again when I found out that he was the surgeon who was about to operate on me."

Pitts's memory did not betray him. Dr. Terrence Ferguson was indeed the same boy who used to cheat off of him in high school, and whose nickname back then was "Roach Clip".

"I was distracted in high school, as most of us are. Girls, music, sports, and yes the occasional joint. That was high school. That's what you did. I took some time off after high school, traveled and sorted my life out. I eventually went to college and then went to the island of Grenada and got my medical degree at St. George's University School of Medicine. It's all legit. Don't worry," said Dr. Ferguson.

Pitts's accident left him with various injuries including: several cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen and a punctured lung, which required emergency surgery. Dr. Ferguson performed the surgery, and proclaimed the operation  a success.

"Piece of cake. I could have done that one with one hand and my eyes closed, and as a matter of fact, I think I did. Late night of partying last night," Said the doctor as he winked at the recovering patient, "just kidding old pal. Now we're even Pittsy. I couldn't have gotten through that boring Biology class without your help."

Pitts is recovering nicely, but still has a nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong.

"They tell me to relax and say everything is fine, that I'll be as good as new very soon. How can I possibly relax? I was just operated on by "Roach Clip"! The guy was as dumb as a rock. He couldn't even dissect a damn frog, and this is the same guy that just had his smelly brown fingernails inside my body.  Oh God, I swear to you he screwed this up somehow! He probably left a scalpel or some sponges or something inside of me. Or worse yet, he removed something that he wasn't supposed to. I need to increase my life insurance policy immediately."

DD ( Betty Diddit reporting)

No comments: