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Friday, November 7, 2008

Man In Town For Business Trip Blames Fruit In Drinks For Drunken Behavior

Chicago- A man from Hohokus, N.J. blames his drunken and inappropriate behavior on the fruit garnishes he ingested during a recent trip to Chicago. Barney Greengrass, a software salesman in town for a business trip, took a few potential clients to a day game at Wrigley Field. What started out as a pleasant day at 11 am ended almost 15 hours later, when Mr. Greengrass was found on a bench outside his hotel encased in a cocoon of what is believed to be his own regurgitated food and drink.
"I am allergic to cherries," proclaimed Greengrass, " I’m sure I made this clear to the bartender."
Local area cocktail waitresses and bartenders, when shown a photo of Greengrass, recognized him from the previous afternoon and evening.
"I knew that guy was trouble the minute he walked in," said Carla Reed a bartender at Casey Moran’s, a popular bar on N. Sheffield Ave., down the block from Wrigley Field.
"He kept ordering drinks that women usually order when they’re at a bachelorette party. He asked for an apple martini and a few minutes later he was at the other end of the bar ordering a cosmopolitan from Tommy, my co-worker. I actually thought he was ordering for a group of women, until I watched him down a pitcher of woo-woos."
Greengrass was spotted at numerous bars surrounding Wrigley Field, known as Wrigleyville, the day the Cubs were playing a day game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
"Barney took the three of us out for a ball game," said Bill Titus owner of Titus Weed & Feed. "The day started off so well. He picked us up in Deerfield, and brought us to Wrigley. It was a beautiful day, and we were having a fine time. It was early, probably the 2nd inning, he said he was going to get a deep dish pizza from the concession stand, and that was the last we saw of him."
Somewhere along the way Greengrass wandered out of the friendly confines and wound up on Waveland Ave., which runs along the rear of Wrigley Field.
"I’ve heard so much about Chicago deep dish pizza, but the line was ridiculous. I made a wrong turn and somehow ended up out on the street. They wouldn’t let me back in," said Greengrass. "I got thirsty and decided to have a drink. That must be when I accidentally ate the fruit in my drink. I have no memory of what happened after that."
Kurt Spodnick, bartender at Bleachers Bar & Grill on W. Addison Street, recalls Greengrass creating quite a scene for the brief time he was in the bar.
"Everyone was fixated on the game on the wide screen. Soriano was up, two outs, bases loaded, Cubbies down by three and this guy starts banging on the bar demanding a pink lady. I thought I was hearing things, so I asked him to repeat it. A pink lady? We sell beer and shots of whiskey in here. I asked him if he would rather a beer, and he starts shrieking in a high pitched wail, ‘I want a pink lady’. I had to consult my bartenders guide to see what the hell it was. This drink actually calls for an egg white whisked into it to give it a foamy top. Do you believe that shit? A freakin egg white! And topped off with a maraschino cherry! What kind of man drinks that?"questioned Spodnick.
Greengrass was forcibly removed from Bleachers, after he took off his shirt and repeatedly pantomimed the hammer throw, tossing his shirt onto the heads of other bar patrons.
"I’ve been allergic to fruit since birth. Cherries especially, but also oranges, limes and pineapples. It messes with my nervous system, makes me black out and appear drunk. I should probably wear some sort of medical emergency bracelet," said Greengrass. "I don’t know why bartenders insist on putting all this fruit in the drinks. It’s ludicrous! Alcohol and fruit? What idiot came up with this idea?"
Champions Sports Bar on N. Clark St., was apparently the last stop for Greengrass. Leon "Big Hurt" Lincoln, a bouncer at the bar recalled the arrival of Greengrass.
"This cat was out of his head. He tries to walk in and I asked him where the hell his shirt was. He leaves and comes back 10 minutes later wearing a t-shirt he bought around the corner. I think the shirt had something written on it like, ‘If you don’t remember Merkle’s Boner, I’ll show you mine’. Some stupid shit like that. I can’t stop everyone from coming in who’s wearing an offensive shirt, we’d have no customers. But I told this guy he was on a short leash," said Lincoln.
Greengrass, who had already made stops in 27 different bars and restaurants throughout the afternoon and night, made an immediate impression on the patrons of Champions.
"This drunken fool jumped up on the bar and started to do some Irish folk dancing. A lot of high kicks with hands on the hips, you know that sort of thing. In all honesty, he wasn’t half bad, but if you’re gonna do that type of dancing, you need a lot of room," said Irv Trotter, local resident.
Greengrass, whose high-stepping antics caused hundreds of dollars of damage to the bar, also injured a few patrons, some of whom were kicked in the head.
"I heard yelling and glass breaking and there was that same cat I just let in up on the bar. He was hard to grab, but we were able to get him down when he started to do the Vogue," said Lincoln. " We found a key card in his pocket for a room at the Days Inn, and put him in a cab to the hotel before someone killed him."
Dr. Peter Bergen, head of the emergency room at Chicago General Hospital, recalls the arrival of Greengrass in the early Sunday morning hours.
"He was in bad shape when they brought him in. I’m surprised he wasn’t in a coma,"said Dr. Bergen,"we were amazed at the contents of his stomach when we pumped it."
When told Greengrass blamed his actions and condition on fruit, Dr. Bergen had this to say.
"People have allergic reactions to various foods, so I won’t discount that, but I’d be more inclined to blame his actions on the enormous amount of alcohol we pumped out of him. Gin, vodka, bourbon, brandy, along with an array of items, most prominent was a partially digested boneless pork chop sandwich, and several undigested Asian pot stickers. We also found little plastic swords and part of a paper umbrella on a toothpick. There was some fruit found, but I’m leaning toward the alcohol as the culprit here."
A dejected Greengrass, whose numerous phone calls were not returned by Bill Titus, said, "Well, that business trip wasn’t very successful, but maybe on the way to the airport I’ll find a place to finally get a piece of that damn pizza." DD

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