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Friday, November 7, 2008

Study Shows The Most Dangerous Place In The World Is Between Sen. Chuck Schumer And A Camera

New York- A recent study by the Geneva Institute shows some of the deadliest places for humans found in the world. The wide ranging study took three years to complete and incorporates several of the most dangerous places, where injuries and even fatalities have occurred. Some of the places are not surprising due to their locale, such as inside an active volcano or climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. While places such as these are commonly known to be dangerous, the spot at the top of the list is there mainly because it travels all over the place, and seems to be harmless at first glance.
The number one most dangerous place in the world is between Senator Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and any form of media, especially a camera. In the years that the study was performed, 17 fatalities and 367 injuries have occurred, one even to a member of the research team.
“I didn’t know what hit me,” said Jan Stromeyer, research analyst for the Geneva Institute, “one minute I’m writing notes in my pad, the next I’m lying face down with four broken ribs and a punctured spleen. After I came out of my coma a few weeks later, I found out that there were some nature photographers taking pictures a few feet from me. Sen. Chuck went right for them. I guess you could say I was lucky. A family of five from Wisconsin was obliterated. ”
“The Senator has an insatiable thirst to be on camera, and stops at nothing to have his image, and every word televised. Many people have been injured by this human tornado. Trust me, I’ve seen the bloody aftermath,” said Dr. Roger Adelman, chief of surgery at NY Hospital for Special Surgery.
The research team traveled the world over to accumulate its data for the study. Here are the final results of the World’s Most Dangerous Places:
10. The middle of July in Death Valley (California, USA)
9. Shark infested waters off the coast of South Africa
8. A minefield outside of Kabul, Afghanistan
7. Climbing to the top of Mt. Everest
6. The Men’s room at the 42nd St and 8th Ave train station (NYC)
5. A fishing boat in the North Atlantic Ocean (off Newfoundland)
4. A McDonald’s at 4am in Detroit, MI
3. Inside Krakatau volcano (Indonesia)
2. Bogota, Columbia (anywhere outside of the airport)
1. Between Sen. Charles “Chuck” Schumer (D- NY) and a camera (numerous locales in the continental United States)

“I’ve been warning people for years about Sen. Schumer. They all thought I was joking in Washington. No one took me seriously. Over time this situation has gotten worse. A lot worse. There isn’t one member of the Senate who hasn’t sustained some sort of injury due to his camera lust. Look at my arm for God sakes!” said former Senator and onetime Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole.
The casualties of Sen. Schumer have been growing steadily over the years. Most in his home state of New York and various locations in Washington D.C., but seemingly any area with still and video photography is in jeopardy (the odds are even higher in areas where microphones and reporters are found). The injuries were at one time isolated to political meetings and fundraisers, but have since broadened to include supermarket openings and spelling bees.
“My best man Kevin stood up to make a toast to my wife and I at our wedding,” said Patrick Miller,” he barely said two words, when out of no where this man barrels him over and grabs the microphone. Poor Kevin has walked with a limp ever since. I didn’t find out until later that this guy was a senator from New York. We live in Ohio! We can’t even watch the wedding video. Two hours of it consist of this wacky senator talking about how he was the youngest member of the Senate since Teddy Roosevelt, and how he got a 1600 on his SAT.”
This inhuman ability to sense the presence of a camera, even from miles away, seems to have been with Schumer since early childhood. Class photos from P.S. 197 in Brooklyn show young Chuck posing in a business suit in front of the other second grade children who were all lined up in size order. A grainy reel of film from the 1965 high school football championship shows a teenage Schumer angling himself in front of the camera, obscuring the view of the final play of a tied game.
There are actually more pictures of Chuck Schumer in the Lincoln High School year book than any other student. While it is not unusual to have certain students in numerous photographs due to involvement in several teams and clubs, it is unusual in this case because Schumer attended James Madison High.
The recent Democratic National Convention, which took place in Denver, was highlighted by speeches from Sen. Barack Obama, Sen. Hillary Clinton, and former president Bill Clinton. Not to be outdone, Sen. Schumer started the chant, ‘We’re outta luck without Sen. Chuck’, which quickly died off. He then body surfed across the crowd to upstage vice presidential nominee Sen. Joe Biden during his acceptance speech.
An unfazed Biden said, “That’s just Chuck being Chuck. We’re used to that type of behavior from him. Thankfully, no one got hurt this time.”
When Biden was informed that Schumer had hospitalized a twenty person contingent from Idaho only moments before, Biden shook his head and said, “I guess I spoke too soon. It’s going to be a long night.”
Pundits are already speculating what Schumer will do four years from now, when the next election will take place.
“If Obama beats McCain, obviously Obama will be the incumbent. But, if the Republicans win, we have to worry about a sensory overload of Schumer until the next election,” said political analyst Alan Combes, “We could be looking at a totally out of control Schumer, and an even higher body count.” DD

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