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Wednesday, June 2, 2010


There is a strange phenomenon sweeping the baseball world these days, which has the medical world completely baffled. It seems that many of the great sluggers of the recent past- such illustrious names as Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmiero, to name a few- have actually seen some of their medical woes heal themselves in recent years. Doctors are at a loss to explain the mystery, which appears to be nothing less than a medical miracle.

Longtime San Francisco Giants’ equipment manager Frank Annunziata was shocked when he happened to bump into Bonds, the ex-Giant, at a recent charity golf outing in the Bay area. Upon first meeting his old teammate, he could not shake the sensation that something about him looked drastically different. “I happened to be playing in the group behind him,” Annunziata said, “and when I saw him on the first tee I couldn’t quite put my finger on what looked so unusual. By the third hole, it finally dawned on me; his head had shrunk at least three full hat sizes.” Annunziata went on to say he distinctly remembered that when Bonds was in his heyday in San Francisco, he (Bonds) would often ask for a new hat, sometimes three to four times a year, and usually requested one that was a size larger than that previously issued. “At first I was worried,” Annunziata continued, “thinking maybe it was encephalitis or something. I asked him about it one time, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he’d been reading a lot of Nietzsche lately. He seemed fine otherwise, so I just forgot about it.”

Meanwhile, trainers for the St. Louis Cardinals are mystified that McGwire, who recently returned to the club as hitting coach, seems to have completely cured himself of the back acne which plagued him throughout his career. “When Mark was still playing,” according to Cardinals’ assistant trainer Mike LaCasse, “he was constantly asking us to see if we couldn’t get a hold of the latest unguents, astringents, and ointments for him. It got so bad at one point that he was embarrassed to take his shirt off. But I saw him coming out of the shower early in spring training one day, and his back was a smooth as a baby’s bum.” When asked if he (McGwire) had discovered some sort of herbal remedy, the ex-slugger was taken aback, according to LaCasse. “All he said was ‘You mean it’s gone? I hadn’t noticed.’ Which I thought was strange, since he was obsessed with it back in his playing days.”

But the miracles don’t end there. Sosa, who insiders claim struggled for years in his attempts to grow even the scraggliest of goatees, has been spotted recently sporting a full beard, to the surprise of his ex-teammates. “We used to give him grief all the time,” ex-Cubs teammate Roy Vasquez said. “He’d try and try to grow it out, but his face back then was as smooth as Mark McGwire’s back is now. Don’t quite know what to make of that.” And Palmeiro, who once served as a pitchman for Viagra, has suddenly found himself swinging for the fences again, without the aid of the Little Blue Pill. “It’s really been quite astounding,” said Palmeiro’s wife, Mitzy. “It’s like he’s seventeen again. Every night, he’s been coming to at me like an ‘a-steroid,’ if you get my drift, wink wink. Thank God for medical miracles, is all I’ll say.”

DD (Vic Venom  reporting)

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