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Monday, June 14, 2010

Sporting News


In what was merely a confirmation of a long-standing suspicion, octogenarian actress Betty White admitted today that she did, indeed, have an affair with golfer Tiger Woods during his philandering days.

“I just didn’t see the point in continuing with the ruse,” the actress said. “I’m 88 freaking years old. Who the hell am I trying to protect?” The not-so-startling admission comes on the eve of Woods’ appearance at this year’s U.S. Open golf tournament, being held on the Monterey peninsula in California, at Pebble Beach. Woods won the 2000 Open on this same golf course by a record 15 strokes, but his hopes for a repeat will surely dampened by this latest scandal.

“Tiger would often give me a “booty call” when he was in L.A.,” White continued. “He told his wife he was visiting his ‘family,’ seeing how he grew up here and all, but that was a crock, obviously. The paparazzi hounded him from the minute he got off the plane, but once they followed him here, they figured he was just paying a visit to a dear old lady in need of some companionship. Little did they know I was rocking his world the whole time.”

White’s sordid admission comes in the midst of a career renaissance for her, as she has recently been a guest host on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” and is co-starring in a new cable TV series, “Hot in Cleveland, “ premiering this fall. And while this latest revelation may prove disastrous to Woods’ attempts to revive his sagging golf career, it will surely do nothing but increase White’s visibility. “I see nothing wrong with the timing of this confession,” White argued. “Why shouldn’t I wait until now, when Tiger is about to tee off in the most difficult golf tournament in the world, and I’m shooting a new series? He used me for his own devious needs, and I’m just returning the favor. Like my slutty old friend Rue McClanahan always said, ‘Get while the gettin’ is good.’”

DD (Vic Venom reporting)

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