Monday, May 10, 2010
"HOW TO" WITH MR. BACKYARD ENGINEER- DEAN MAVROVITIS
Enraged neighbor, How dare you sir! Everything used on my premises is disposed of properly and safely. I abide by all the proper town codes. Your daughter's bike probably came apart because a clueless puke like yourself put it together. Is this the same neighbor who's been peeking through my shades at night trying to sneek a peek at my wife? I bet it is. Well, neighbor, you obviously know where I live, so why don't you stop by one of these days. Okay tough guy?
MR. B E- Instead of purchasing one of those expensive Weber grills, I used your advice and made my own barbecue grill out of items I had lying around my property. Thank you, it worked like a charm. I now have third degree burns over 50% of my body and am missing 2/3 of my nose and most of my left ear. What the hell were you thinking when you told me to use liquid oxygen? From Charred in Charleston
Wow, what is this pick on Dean day? Hey Charred, I'm sorry for your unfortunate accident, but let's get something straight, I gave those instructions to someone I believed to be a man, obviously I grossly under estimated your testosterone level. Toughen up pal, it's only skin, it grows back for Christ's sake. I warned you about the liquid oxygen, or as those in the know like to call it- LOX. I said be careful, did I not?
I told you that an ignition source, such as a lit cigarette, must be present BEFORE pouring on the LOX. If charcoal is PRESOAKED in LOX first, an EXPLOSION will result because one briquette presoaked in LOX is approx equiv to 1 stick of dynamite. Isn't that what I said silly? I'm sorry, Charred, but I'm not taking the blame for your ineptness. I've got enough B S going on in my life right now, trust me.
MR. B E- We're thinking about building an extension on our home so that my mother in law can live with us. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what permits and materials I would need.
From Joe in Jersey
Joe, Joe, Joe. Sweet naive Joe. The "materials" that you'll need for this job are as follows:
1 head full of rocks (presumably yours)
2 testicles missing (also yours)
2 overbearing women (1 there already, 1 on the way)
1 life over (that's right yours again)
I can not, and will not, assist you in this foolish endeavor.
(If you do however go through with it, make sure the room you build is poorly ventilated and equipped with a portable propane heater. You can thank me later.)