"My intellect has taken a step backward since discovering The Daily Drivel" - Albert Einstein
" When I read it I begin to hate my fellow man. I want to hit something"- Mohandas Gandhi
"A complete abomination. We all weep at its very existence"- Abraham Lincoln
"I wouldn't begin my day without it. I've learned so much." - Lindsay Lohan

Monday, December 8, 2008


By Count Dracula
Will you please start taking care of yourselves? Your blatant disregard for your health is staggering. Of all the civilizations I’ve ravaged, and I’ve ravaged them all, yours is by far the worst. If you don’t care enough for yourselves, the least you can do is think of me. How am I supposed to drain you of your life sustaining blood when it is full of cholesterol?
My physician has scolded me on several occasions to take better care of myself. It’s embarrassing, sitting there in my underwear on a table covered in wax paper, while a man 500 years younger than me lectures me on my health. Me? Like it’s my fault. My blood pressure is through the roof, my bad cholesterol is up 50% this past year alone, and my red blood cell count is the worst it’s ever been. I exercise, sleep well, and up to recently, ate well. Your complete lack of self control has now affected my health.
Why do you eat so much fried food and slather everything in mayonnaise? You are truly a disgusting lot. Vegetables, fresh fish, rice, grains, fruits, have you forgotten these items? A bowl of oatmeal with a splash of 1% milk, a banana and a glass of 100% orange juice, now that’s a healthy breakfast, not a double fried egg sandwich with cheese and bacon. If you will start your day off on a healthy note, then I can start my day off on a healthy note, when I sink my fangs into your supple neck.
Why can’t you be more like the people of the eastern European countries like Yugoslavia and Hungary? My time with those succulent people was pure bliss. I was so full of energy and ambition in those days. Never in all my existence have I had healthier blood. Those people gave me my doctor’s recommended daily amounts of vitamins and minerals. They tasted great and were also great for me. Their whole diet consisted of vegetables, roots, seeds and maybe a little poultry now and then. They wouldn’t know a doughnut or a corndog if it jumped up and bit them, which, of course is my job. I had a virtual smorgasbord of those delicious people for a few hundred years, but alas, all good things come to an end. I sucked that whole region dry and traveled across the ocean to your supposedly wholesome land. Big mistake.
While your people are much easier on the eyes and nose, your blood is sickening. Why just the other evening I feasted on a young, muscle bound, seemingly healthy surfer, draining him of at least 2 quarts. I was nauseous and dizzy for days. I had no energy and was forced to sit around my tomb watching Spanish soap operas (it’s the only channel I get). It’s getting to the point where I don’t know who to attack anymore.
Now, let’s change gears here for a minute and talk about another problem that you’ve created for me. Have you ever heard of something called a condom? Apparently not, because you idiots are having all kinds of sex with all kinds of people and not wearing anything. Are you crazy or what? In all my years I’ve never been so susceptible to germs. I catch anything these days. I’ve lived through the bubonic plague, and every disease known to man, but now the common cold keeps me coffin ridden for three days.
I don’t want to sound like an annoying parent, but please, I beg you to take better care of yourselves. My afterlife depends on it.

(Editor's note: Count Dracula's opinions are solely his own and have not been edited or changed in any way.) DD

No comments: