LEBRON JAMES CHOOSES MIAMI HEAT- BREAKING THE HEARTS OF CLEVELAND, NEW YORK, CHICAGO AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY
Greenwich, CT- After months of speculation as to which uniform Lebron James will be wearing next season, the wait is finally over. In a televised 1 hr interview on ESPN last night called, "The Decision", James announced his intention to sign with the Miami Heat alongside friends and NBA superstars Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. The 'decision' has left those outside of the Miami area upset and highly critical of James's announcement.
While fans in Miami rejoiced and celebrated after hearing the news, citizens of Ohio, most notably in Cleveland, were inconsolable. Several groups got together to have #23 jersey burning parties. Cleveland residents weren't the only ones devastated by the news, fans in cities such as New York, Chicago, New Jersey and Los Angeles also voiced their displeasure with James's choice.
"I'm so upset," yelled Elsa Oliphant, a 62 yr old florist from Queens, "I was so sure that he was coming to the Knicks that I made a floral arrangement 6' 8" tall in his image wearing a Knicks uniform. It's made entirely out of various colored carnations and took me an entire week to make. What am I supposed to do with it now?"
"He led us on," said Carlos Silva, a Chicago based tax attorney," he played a selfish game, toying with several teams, knowing full well that he was going to Miami all along. He tarnished his image with that ridiculous 'interview' last night. Jordan never did anything like that. This guy wants to be like Mike, good luck. He's not even worthy of rinsing out MJ's Hanes briefs."
The General Managers of the teams that were spurned by James have vowed to put it behind them and improve their teams by any means necessary, through free agency, trades or working to improve existing players on their rosters. One former suitor of Lebron James, however, is more deeply hurt than the rest. That suitor is former game show panelist and current contributor to The Daily Drivel, Charles Nelson Reilly. Reilly showed up at Lebron's agent's office in Cleveland last Friday and made an ambiguous offer to the confused basketball player.
"The two o'clock meeting was bizarre," said Leon Rose, James's agent," my secretary said Charles Nelson Reilly is here for you, and I thought it was strange that Charles Barkley, Don Nelson and Pat Riley were all here together. I didn't quite understand, but I told her to send them in. When the door opened and this person waltzed in wearing some sort of toga we were all in complete shock. No one moved. Lebron sat there the whole time with his mouth slightly open staring in disbelief as this person made some sort of sales pitch. I couldn't quite focus on his presentation because I was dizzy from all the perfume he was wearing. He smelled like my grandmother. I'm still not quite sure, but I think he was asking Lebron to be his house boy or something. He said something about having a big hole to fill and that Lebron was the right fit. Lebron never said a word. Just stared. The whole 'meeting' lasted ten minutes, he left his number on the desk and skipped out. Literally skipped. It was surreal."
Charles Nelson Reilly watched the Lebron James interview in his hot tub alongside pals, Rip Taylor, JM J Bullock and Paul Lynde, and was in complete shock that he wasn't picked.
"We had a connection, it was kismet when our eyes met, dontcha know. I cannot believe that he picked the Miami Heat over me. Oh! Oh! I refuse to believe it. I have so much more to offer him than they can. This can't be right! I'm at a loss," said a befuddled Nelson Reilly. "Well I've waited this long, I guess I can wait 5 more years. In the meantime, I think I'll put my "feelers" out there and see if I can make another offer. I'm curious about this Rudy Gay. Something about his name intrigues me. Can't quite place my finger on it, but trust me, I'll get to the bottom of it. I always get to the bottom. Oh! Oh!"
DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)
*(Editor's note- Rudy Gay agreed to a 5 yr- $84 million deal with the Memphis Grizzlies last week, I don't have the nerve to tell Charles myself, maybe one of you can send him an anonymous note. Thanks, JB)