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Monday, March 16, 2009

The Unsinkable B M: THE PRISON REPORT with Bernie Madoff

I love rice pudding. I love it more than money, so that will tell you how much I love rice pudding. Warm, cold, room temperature, it makes no difference. I like a sprinkle of cinnamon on it. Not a total covering of it mind you, just a quick sprinkle to enhance the flavor. Mmmm yummy.
Ruth, my wife, makes it exactly the way I love, the rice is perfectly cooked and the pudding is creamy. I am a purist though, no raisins in mine thank you. I have nothing against raisins, a fine little fruit, but not in my pudding.
Now, you may wonder why my first report from prison starts off with a rant about a pudding containing rice. It's complicated, and quite frankly, it may be over the heads of most lay people. I'll tell you what, forgive my bluntness, but I'll try and dumb it down for you.
I was told by a very reliable source that the prison is getting a shipment of Kozy Shack rice pudding, which in my expert opinion is one of the finest store brands available. It doesn't come near my dear Nana's recipe or even Ruth's for that matter, but it is a damn fine product nonetheless. I was beside myself when I heard the news. If I were capable of crying, I would have wept tears of joy. This prison thing isn't going to be so bad after all.
Now, here's the dilemma. It will only be available this week only. Apparently there is a rotating menu and the rice pudding won't be back in the mix until mid June. Mid June?? My heart sank.
I tried to reason with the warden, but to no avail. I found him to be an ill mannered man of very low intelligence. He laughed at me. HE laughed at ME! Can you imagine that? A man who makes possibly $80,000 a year laughing at me. Something must be done. Something will be done. Bernie needs his pudding.
Time is of the essence, I had to devise a plan. I spoke to a few of the neanderthals incarcerated here, and as luck would have it, most of them don't even like rice pudding. This to me is unimaginable. How can I spend the next 150 years locked up with people who don't enjoy one of life's greatest pleasures? Whatever, more for me.
I asked for a copy of the rotating menu, and as I scanned it, I wrote down all the possible desserts for the next 3 months.
As I quizzed some of these "gentlemen" about their favorite desserts, I noticed a recurring theme. Sno-balls. 1 out of 2 mentioned them, which I found out to be creme filled chocolate cakes covered with marshmallow and coconut flakes. Repulsive, but understandable when you're dealing with cavemen. The good news, no Sno-balls on the menu, at least for the next 3 months.
Are you still with me? Even when I try to speak simply enough to you people, I tend to lose you, which is one of the reasons I'm where I am today, I'm too smart for my own good.
Stay with me.
I told many of the inmates individually, that if he gave me his rice pudding this week, in a few weeks I would give him a Sno-ball each night from my tray, when supposedly they would be on the menu per the warden. I told this to about 180 morons, of which all I need is half. Gabeesh? Each one believes he is to recieve a week's worth of this crappy dessert from me. Idiots.
I also made an "arrangement"with a kitchen employee (the terms of which I cannot divulge at this time) who is clearing space for me in the walk-in refrigerator and freezer. I will be able to store a 3 month supply of rice pudding for myself until June and then repeat the whole scenario over again on these unsuspecting shmucks. This is the genius of Madoff.
What about the prisoners who are expecting Sno-balls you ask? Who cares. I will stall them. Tell them it will be coming the following week and then the following week and so on. I'll blame it on the warden, remove all my culpability.
Of course, to make this scam work I'm going to have to give a few of them a taste, which I will next time. This time the warden will be my patsy, next time someone else, and so it goes. These mindless mutants will think they're getting something from me, which of course, they shall not.
Bernie will get his rice pudding. Bernie is smarter than them. That's how it works.
Anyway,that's all that's going on. It's only been a few days, maybe I'll have few more nuggets of my wisdom for you next time.
Madoff signing out. DD

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